Monthly Archives: May 2014

So . . . The Dog Ate Your Email?

"I'm lost and I have important info!"

“I’m lost and I have important info!”

The glint of something oblong and shiny in the bushes caught my eye as I strolled with my dog through a nearby park.  When I bent to check it out, I was surprised to find an egg.  This wasn’t the Homeowners in my neighborhood’s idea of offering a hearty free breakfast for the residents – – No, this was a plastic remnant from an Easter Egg Hunt.  I shook the contents of the pearly pink shell and it rattled.  Hopefully those are Skittles and not M&M’s, I thought, or the insides will be a chocolate mess (we’ve had 100 degree weather since April) but when I pried it open, instead of the jelly beans, my focus became the note.

Ava:  I hope you enjoy this one last sweet treat from a Nana who loves you!

My writer’s mind went to work.   Was Ava getting too old for egg hunts?  Did she develop a serious case of diabetes?  Was Nana terminally ill?  Was this the one and only egg that contained those loving, parting words from a grandmother to her grandchild and I was the wrong person holding it?

Recently I have been both the sender and receiver of many text messages and emails that were never received.  This is a real problem with technology because you don’t realize your words are not being transmitted and you end up feeling ignored or unacknowledged.

Worse, crucial information that would have impacted an important outcome has gone missing and nobody knows it.

Once I drove two hours to pick up a child who cheerfully announced, “Thanks Mom, but I texted you earlier to let you know I already had a ride home.”

I have lost blogging jobs because I never received an email telling me I needed to submit a sample of my writing before a specific deadline.

I have sent an apology and told someone I loved them dearly only to have them proceed as if we were parting ways.  (Granted that would have been better verbalized in person, but you know us gun shy writers.)

Let’s look at how outcomes in history would be altered if certain communications had come across as they were intended.

 

DIDN’T YOU GET THE MEMO???

 

Dear Prince Charming – – I heard you found a high heel slipper at your ball.  That would be mine!  I’m going through some glandular stuff right now, so I might look a little “different” when next we rendezvous.  But rest assured . . .  that’s MY size 6 Jimmy Choo and there’s no need to send some Duke Dude with a foot fetish throughout your land, searching high and low.   See ya at our wedding!

Drizella

ps.  Beware of sooty-faced Gold-Digger girls with petite feet nicknamed Cindy.

 

Garfunkel,

I’m skipping the Scarborough Fair today.  But I’ve been thinking – – Crooning about “The Sound of Silence” makes no sense. Let’s do the piece in sign language.  Also, “Like a Bridge Over Troubled Water”   –  meh, I dunno – – really?   How about “Like a Bathmat Over Soggy Carpet, I will Lay Me Down?”  And finally, that Mrs Robinson chick is one Hot Mama!  I say we draw guitar picks to see who’s gonna be “Feelin’ Groovy” with her tonight!

Simon

 

photo-374My Darling Barbie – – As much as I love your va-va voom measurements, maybe we should give all the females in this country a break. You should probably start eating.  Outback Steakhouse at 7 pm?

Ken

 

Sonny,

Pick up a Barbie for Chastity on your way home from skiing today.  I’m thinking our daughter should be playing with dolls a little more.

Cher

 

Siskel~

We better give “Terms Of Endearment” two thumbs up.  I’ve heard that Karma can be a real bitch.

Ebert

 

Okay Peter,

Will you just grow up already?  And stop with the Flying Fad.  United Airlines offers round-trips for less than the cost of a Pirate’s Booty.  Besides, we could partner up and have a great career in Peanut Butter.  I promise to split the profits fairy fairly.

Tinkerbell

 

Shalom Dr. Seuss:

It has come to our attention you are planning on publishing a book that might mislead quite a number of children down the wrong path with its title and subject matter.  We respectfully ask you to consider “Green Eggs and Brisket” instead.

National Council of Jewish Mothers

 

Hey Abbott~

I am so over talking about baseball ad nauseam.  Let’s go bowling tonight instead.  How does that strike you?

Finally, "Hu" IS on first!

Finally, “Hu” really IS on first!

Costello

 

To Dorothy (and your little dog ToTo too!)

I don’t mean you any harm.  I’m really a Goth clothing designer and the Ruby shoes are just what I need for this new black gown I’m manufacturing.  The message in the sky was not supposed to say “Surrender Dorothy!” it was supposed to read, “Suspender Dorothy!”   My little fashion tip to you (with all that blue gingham you’ve got going on!)  Sheesh, where is the Giant Etch-a Sketch when you need to fix a Cloud Typo?  See you on Broadway in Wicked!

What a world!

Elphaba

 

Siegfried,

Just watched a Wizard of Oz rerun – – “Lions and TIGERS and bears….Oh My God!”

Roy

 

Adam & Eve,

Forgot to mention that Apples are now on the Dirty Dozen List of produce and should only be eaten if they are certified USDA Organic or with the skin peeled.  To be safe, I’d pass on all of ’em.   And talking Serpents?  In what whose Universe??

Your One & Only,

God

 

Our Beloved Snow White,

We have a feeling you need to study your bible more, particularly looking into the Adam and Eve skit referenced above.  An Apple is always a metaphor for something bad.  We’re working late in the mine tonight and don’t plan on building any glass coffins to stand watch over a maiden, no matter how pale her skin – – So don’t wait up for us.  Sleep well.

The Seven Dwarfs

 

This Easter Egg didn't have my name on it...

This Easter Egg didn’t have my name on it…

Oh, and it was with great sentimentality that I posted a “Lost & Found” notice on our neighborhood bulletin board to see if I could return the wayward Easter Egg to the poor little ill-fated Ava or her affectionate (but not long for this world) Nana.  I left my cell number so they could message me.

This morning an acne-faced teenage girl showed up on my doorstep making sure I knew I could eat all those Jelly Beans myself.   It was too late for her.  She has a full set of braces now.

I never got that text.

How has a lost email/text or missed voicemail messed up your life?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For Whom The (Bar)Bell Tolls!

Why do I have to be Apple Shaped?

Why do I have to be Apple Shaped?

Summer is almost here.  If you’re a female, do you have Gaps and Bridges?  No, don’t head to a dentist – –  I mean “Thigh Gaps” and “Bikini Bridges.”   You will see them pictured below.  After you achieve these spaces between body parts, you might want to work on your Chin Chasm, Leg Lag, Neck Scape, and then your crowning glory, which would of course be some Shoulder Scaffolding.

If any teen girl is reading this – – deciding they have their work cut out for them at the gym, carving or rearranging their body parts (before bathing suit shopping)  I need to make sure you first rearrange your tongue firmly inside your cheek!  Because tongue-in-cheek is how I write this blog.  Miss Menopause endeavors to find the fun and frivolity, even in Society’s Serious Stupidity.  But not if it kills her.  Therefore she won’t starve or break her back lifting heavy weights.  So you too, Dear Reader – – Reject all suggestions that how you currently are isn’t good enough.

"Thigh Gap" Gasp at this Gap. REJECT THIS!

“Thigh Gap” Gasp at this Gap. REJECT THIS!

Enough has been written about Diets, so for the sake of word count, I will skip over Calorie Humor and only mention that this next Halloween, I already have my costume in mind.  I am dressing up as part Baked Potato and part White Rice.  Can’t wait to hide around corners,  jumping out to say “Boo” to all those who are terrified of Carbs.

Psycho Music Screeching! Imagine how much more scared she would be if this were a slice of bread!?

Psycho Music Screeching! Imagine how much more scared she would be if this were a slice of bread!?

Now let’s head to the gym, shall we?  But first it should be noted that I haven’t stepped into a fitness center since the early 80’s when I thought the Aerobic fad meant we all had to learn the foreign tongue spoken in Saudi Arabia.  I was also quite turned off that women stopped shaving their legs until I looked closely and realized that all that “fur” was just the leg-warmer trend.

Now that Aerobic is called Cardio and calves are bare again, I think it’s safe to step foot back inside.

I tell myself I am going to the gym for my interior, not my exterior.  Because our bodies are simply just shells (think eggshell) that contain the important stuff – – our essence (the yolk or our souls) of the people we really are.

It doesn’t matter what our shells look like as long as we are good people inside and have healthy organs. I almost have myself believing this until I see a size 2 blonde BombSHELL parade down the beach as Men rush over to throw down their towels so she doesn’t burn her dainty manicured feet.  While I hop along the scalding sand, I make a mental note to violently crack open and vigorously beat as many eggs as I can find for a cheese and avocado omelette when I get home.

But back to my health and my first trip to the gym.  I am told I have Adrenal Fatigue (that’s the new catch phrase, right?)  and advised that exercise will alleviate this exhausting condition.  I’m not sure how that will help if my adrenals are too tired to do anything once I arrive.  But I plan to start them off slowly.  First I’ll coax one of my adrenal glands onto the Exercycle, while the other one will be encouraged to gently swims laps in the pool.  And I’ll take a nap.

Speaking of swimming,  I plan on snorkeling around my living room couch a little bit each day to benefit my Indoor Fins.  Oh! That’s Endorphins.  Never mind.

But here I am – – finally inside this gym!  I do a ton of huffing, puffing, heaving, tugging and pushing, but it’s totally worth it  – – I get my work-out shorts on just fine.

At a door with loud music blasting from within,  I am greeted by Gwyneth Paltrow’s twin sister chirping, “Hya, I’m Kimba! Welcomma to our Gymba. Wanna try Zumba?”

Can I just say this – – “Rule of thumba: When you go outa on a limba, and shake your bumma to La Bamba, you’re gonna feel super dumba!”  Interestingly,  when the instructor has us check our pulse, I think I hear Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” coming from my wrist and take that as my cue to practice the Moonwalk.

Maybe it's really the beat of the Mexican Hat dance? After all, it IS Latin?

Maybe it’s really the beat of the Mexican Hat dance? After all, it IS Latin?

After getting laughed out of the crazy Latin-inspired dance class, I wander thru some more doors down a long hallway and into a little room where women sweat and perspire.   A lady with annother unusual accent (is this Italian?) remarks, “I just love having sonnas.”   She gives me a dirty look when I ask her if she also likes her daughteras?  Then a trim, white-towel swathed brunette says it’s been ages since she had a sauna.  Still trying to fit in with the hip lingo spoken in this little wooden room (and finding the high temperature intolerable!) I mutter, “Sauna of a Gunna – – it’s hot in here!  You would think they could afford air-conditioning with our high membership dues!”  As I’m escorted out, I overhear the brunette ask a redhead if this is still an exclusive health spa?

Some people can be so touchy. I was only trying to fit in.

Some people can be so touchy. I was only trying to fit in.

But now I know exactly what I need – – gosh, I haven’t had one in years!  As the masseuse rolls and kneads my backside with her strong hands, I am reminded that I really should bake homemade bread more often.

Next I go through some double doors and meet a handsome young fitness instructor named (according to large print across his white shirt) Nike, who offers to show me where I can pump. Having weaned my son from breastfeeding many years ago, I shyly decline. He gestures at the dumb-bells and grunts, “No! I mean Iron!” I casually thank him and explain that I use the dry cleaners down the street. He and his friend Reebok, continue staring oddly as I glance behind them, swooning over the only comfy, padded, flat surface in the entire room – – a Slantboard!

Yawning, I pull on my jammies, blow everyone a goodnight kiss, and curl up for my well-deserved nap!  The true cure for Adrenal Fatigue!

Has Your Muse Taken a Snooze? (Or Worse, Blown a Fuse??)

photo-362Got writer’s block?  You might want to try what I did….

An Interview with My Muse

Me:  So….what gives?  You’re so quiet in there.  You gotta come up with something new to get me going.  I never have anything nice to post like all the other Bloggers do.

Maisy Musey:  You gotta be kidding me!  You’ve got a closet full of Inspiration.  And…. You just got Freshly Pressed. What more do you want from me?

Me:  That ratty old thing?  That’s been hanging in there since Valentine’s Day.  Besides, it was just a coincidence they picked that one.   You never give me anything new and exciting anymore.

Maisy Musey:  (sighs) Here we go.   And what’s up with my name?  We’ve gotta change it.  I can’t work like this.  It’s depressing.

Me:  Okay, okay – –  I can understand feeling a little out of sorts after WordPress featured us.  The letdown after the spike in stats.  And maybe the intense pressure to come up with something else as a follow-up.  But you can shake these Muse Blues. I know you can!  Here – – Lemme sing you a little song — “a Muse-ical” if you will.  “la-la-la – – The Muse will come out tomorrow….betcha bottom dollar that….”

Minnie Musey:  Shut up.  And stop with all these cutesie names.  I am NOT a-mused.

Me:  Yes, you most certainly ARE a muse.  And you’re my muse.  You’re just a bit mixed-up.  “Musion Confusion” they call it.   Here….try a better, stronger name.

Moses Muse:  Oh, so its Moses now, is it?  What am I- – a Jew’s Muse?   Listen you, I’ve paid my Muse Dues.  You got what you wanted.  I’m on strike now.  That’s right.  You heard me – –   I.  Refuse.  to.  Muse.

Me:  What?!  With my new followers?  What am I supposed to do?

Moses Muse:  Tell them you have some News.  Your Muse took his departure Cues after finally getting some Clues and feeling Used.   He was tired of Cruising for a Musing Bruising.

Me:  I don’t believe this!  All my readers will jump to the wrong Musion Conclusion now. Like I’ve given you a Musion Contusion or something.  Yeah, sure.  Besides,  you just can’t go into Musion Seclusion.  How am I going to keep up with the “I’m really a witty writer” Illusion?  Please!?

Sybil:  Has it ever occurred to you that you don’t even have a Muse? That you just talk to yourself??  You do have a track record you know.photo-363

Me:  You miserable Excuse for a Muse.  You just watch.  I’m gonna Peruse a famous writer’s Muse.  Someone with profound, Profuse Muse Views.   A Muse who won’t Accuse.  Hemingway’s Muse!  Now that’s a great Muse for me to Choose to Reuse!!

Ernie:  (Belches)  Hey man!  I am definitely not the Muse for you.  I’m a Male Muse.  Into minimalism.  Not all that girly chit-chat.  Any of these sound familiar?  1.  Farewell to Arms  2.  The Sun Also Rises   3.  The Old Man and the Sea. (And my strong personal favorite) . . .  4.   For Whom the Bell Tolls?

Me:  Don’t give me that Muse-o,  Macho B.S.  You’re sensitive deep down, I know it.   You could have easily made those titles into 1.  Farewell to Feminine Charms  2.  The Daughter Also Sets (the table)  3.   The Cold Man and His Tea.  (And a terrific wedding planner called…) 4.  “For the Groom Rochelle Controls”

Ernie:  Okay, Miss Smartie Pants Blogger….you don’t need a muse.  Just take all the classics and tweak ’em with your  own little womanly touch.  See how far it gets you.

Me:  You don’t have to ask me twice. Go back to the Booze, Hemingway Muse!

Little Miss Menopause’s Take on Literature Greats

1.  Crime and Punishment – – Grime and Tarnishment  (A Housekeeping Guide)

2.  Sense and Sensibility – – Blintz and Minceability  (A Cookbook)

3,  Wuthering Heights – –  Withering Nights  (A Sex Manual After Age 50)

4.  The Importance of Being Earnest – – The Importance of Being an Internist – –  (How To convince your kids to become a doctor)

5.  The Catcher in the Rye – – Scratch Her in the Eye  (What to do when you find the woman your husband cheated with)

6.  Red Badge of Courage – – Shred Bag to Discourage  (A Shopaholics Recovery Bible)

7.   Great Expectations – –   Weight Fluctuations   (It’s normal to put on a few pounds throughout the monthly cycle)

8.  War and Peace – – Drawer of Fleece  (Sweats ARE okay on weekends)

9.  Scarlett Letter – – Car-Knit Sweater (Driving Hobbies while your hubby takes the wheel)

10.  Call of the Wild – – Bawl of the Child  (Beyond Time-Out Punishments for your Little One)

Okay, alright. Those are awful.   I admit it.  I need my old Muse back.  Nobody should Lose their Muse.  I promise to be kind, grateful and most of all to think of a dignified name.  That’s right  – – I, Little Miss Menopause, do solemnly swear to attend a support group to stop “Muse Abuse.”  The meetings are held in the local Museum, of course.

And how do you treat your writer’s Muse when it goes Mute??

 

A Blog Only a Mother Could Love?

 

Both Mom and WordPress will make you feel guilty that this cake is not very creative!

Both Mom and WordPress will make you feel guilty that this cake is not very creative!

Ways WordPress And Mothers Are Alike:

1. PRESSURE!    WordPress(ure?) sends me these “naggy little reminder” notifications when I have not met my “One Published Post Per Week” goal.  They sound like this,  “Uh Oh.  Have you forgotten something? It’s been a while since you’ve published anything new!”  Yet, just like Mom, WordPress never acknowledges when I’ve far exceeded those expectations (four posts in a week?!)  C’mon a little extra love?  Cookies and Milk before bed?  Grrrr,  Just like Mom – -always quick to point out that one darn B+  even though the rest were straight A’s.

2.  BARE NECESSITIES!    WordPress lets you have the basics for free but you’ll have to pay extra for any custom designs to make your blog uniquely yours.  Mom provided room and board and three square meals a day, but if you wanted to go to Disneyland or shop at Nordstrom, those “life upgrades” were gonna cost ya!

3.  REWARDS!   Remember sticker charts?  If you kept your room clean for a week, you got taken out for ice-cream?  Well, we all know that WordPress offers the chance to be “Freshly Pressed.”  But darn it, I’ve emptied the trash, dusted and vacuumed hundreds of times on my blog . . . and my only reward has been having my allergies clear up.  So WordPress – –  If you’re gonna dangle the “Freshly Pressed Carrot”  – – be clear in the steps we need to take to finally reach it.

4.  SELF-DOUBT!   Before I did anything even slightly risky, my mother had some applicable, yet tragic horror story to deter me or make me think twice about my abilities.  “Go ahead, ride your bike in bad weather.  Lisa Carter rode her 10-speed in the rain two weeks ago and now all that’s left of her is a soggy pair of size 3 Keds strapped to her bike pedals.  Is that what you want??”  On WordPress, when I am just about to delete something, up pops a little window with what I like to call a “Lisa Carter Warning Message,” It says, “Are You Sure You Want To Do That?”photo-359

5.  CONTEMPLATION!    WordPress features “The Daily Post,” which offers different Weekly Challenges. They are fun and rewarding opportunities for writing.  i.e. “Think About a Time When You Did Something So Terrific, Everyone Cheered For You.”  or  “How Has Blogging Helped You Stay Out of Therapy?”  Whereas Your mother issued some Weekly Challenges that maybe weren’t quite as fun or rewarding. “You Just Think About What You Did Wrong and By The Time I Come Back Into Your Room, You Better Have a Handwritten Apology!”   And of course your mom is the one who single-handedly drove you into therapy.

6.  ENRICHMENT!  WordPress offers a variety of themes with lots of ways to showcase your talent.  Some play up your photography skills, others emphasize your writing more prominently.  Still more themes can help you start a business or heighten your salesmanship skills with products.  Mom read books to you, enrolled you in summer camps and gave you voice lessons so you could become a more well-rounded person.  (But I’m still waiting for someone to ask me to play, “You’re a Grand Old Flag” at a social get-together – – My Mom promised me piano lessons would make me popular at parties.)

7.  LOVE!  WordPress gave birth to all the rest of our millions of online Siblings (our Followers!) and helps us stay connected to each other by holding daily Family Reunions (The Reader).  WordPress also encourages our cyber brothers and sisters to continue to offer us support and attention by leaving kind comments.  Sure, there’s gonna be some sibling rivalry reflected in those comments (Mom likes My Poetry Best . . .  so mmmnyeah!) and some “sticking out your tongue” remarks  (Ha Ha, I have more followers than you. Check out my stats.  Made ya look!!) but overall there’s lotsa WordPress Love to go around.

8.  PUNISHMENT!    “You march right into your “Log-In” window, sign on, and write one final farewell post.  And you better make it good because from now on, you’re suspended from all your WordPress blogging privileges until further notice.  You’re lucky I’m giving you a chance to say Goodbye.  Some other Blogging Websites will shut you down for violations you’re not even aware of.  And you lose every single one of your posts! FOR LIFE.   Now don’t you take that typing tone with me, Bloggy Boy.  When I was your age, we had to write in tedious diaries.  With real tiny silver keys. And we had to turn the heavy pages, both ways, with only one finger. Next time you’ll think twice before you disobey Mama WordPress!”

Dear  WordPress – – I hope you enjoyed this post.  Because I did NOT get you a bouquet of roses this year.

Love, Little Miss Menopause

“LOOK MA!  NO HANDS!”

Don't worry - - BOTH hands are on the keyboard at all times!

Don’t worry – – BOTH hands are on the keyboard at all times!

What Do Bloggers Eat at a Meet & Greet ??

Maybe they eat "Meet(and greet!)Balls?

Maybe they eat “Meet(and greet!)Balls?

Seriously?  What was I thinking?  Registering for a huge Blogging Conference like BlogHer 2014?   I can’t converse with anyone verbally.  That’s why I became a writer in the first place.  And I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I don’t talk, I don’t drink and I don’t dance. All I do is sit in front of a keyboard and type.

And the only reason I’m capable of that is because I’m protected by the online anonymity.  But that will be stripped away, too.  I’ll have to wear one of those “Hello!  I’m Little Miss Menopause!” name tags.  And then people will approach me.  And say, “Really?  You’re not so little.”  Or, “How can you be a Miss if you’re divorced?  Wouldn’t that make you a Ms?”  Or, “So are you having a hot flash right this minute or are you just nervous to meet me?”

And then I am going to have a roommate.  What if she is a serious and substantial T-Bone Steak type blogger and thinks all us humor bloggers are just a jar of Marshmallow Fluff?  And if she’s one of those types who partakes in a specific, odd nightly routine.  Let’s say she takes a bubble bath, popping all but 11 bubbles, says prayers backwards, does 100 crunches to disguise the fact that she’s carried twins, sticks her head in the hotel mini-bar fridge for an hour, slathers on some awful smelling night creme and then humors   fluffs her pillow exactly 7 times on each side?  Oh wait, that’s my nightly routine.

Oh dear. What number Fluff was I on? Guess I'll have to start all over.

Oh dear. What number Fluff was I on? Guess I’ll have to start all over.

And then I’ll go to the fancy hotel ballroom for my meals.  And people are going to sit at tables without any laptops to keep their hands busy. What will we all do with our fingers besides tapping on the tablecloth like it’s an imaginary keyboard?  Maybe the centerpieces will be glitzy computer screens with the words, “Once Upon a Time….” typed in Helvetica font.

Of course the elegant board with our various dining choices will fall from the table and crash on to my lap, because that’s what “Drop-Down Menus” do.  And no doubt, I’ll be very confused as to what to order at this BlogFeast.  If I wanted my soggy, bloggy cereal, I shoulda just stayed at home.  There’s a whole lot more creative food choices to nourish a Blogger than just Alphabet Soup, you know.    Let’s have a look . . .

BLOG CONFERENCE MEAL OPTIONS

Whether You’re Famous, Famished or Already Full (of yourself!)

It will be Love At First Bite!   Write!

BREAKFAST:

Posted Eggs, Edited Over Easy.  Served with Permalink sausage with choice of (depending how your writing is going) Belgium Awfuls or Fancakes, drizzled with Blog Cabin Syrup.

OR

Quotation Quinoa Quiche with Jumbled, Crumbled, Stumbled-Upon Mumbo Jumbo.

OR

Jotted, Blotted Frittata served with a Scone Poem

Bold, Seasoned Condiment Comments by Request

 

LUNCH

All entrees (entries) accompanied with a Flaky BlogRoll & Butter and your choice of Mixed Metaphor Mesclun salad, Cliched Clam Chowder or Stat Pea Soup.

“All You Can View” Stew served in a Writer’s Block Crock pot.

   OR

Dangling Participle Pasta – – Garnished w/ Grated Gravitar Graphics

OR

Steamy, Creamy, Dreamy Porkography – – Archived Anchovies

OR

Widget Wasabi Won-Tons  & Parsnip Snippets, Turnip Tags

OR

Bloghetti & Tweetballs served over Doughy Poetry

OR

Allegory Albacorey Tuna on Spellcheck Spelt

 

DINNER

Sauteed Jumbo Shrimp Daily Prawmpts with Freshly Pressed Garlic and Cleverly Clarified Butter

OR

Tempura Templates  w/ chopped, cropped Images of Inspiration

OR

So You Think You’ve Posted the Holy Grail Lobster Tail?  And Corny Kale

  OR

Hacked Halibut w/ Plagiarized Potatoes &  Tender AsPUNagus Tips

OR

FRENCH CUISINE:  – – Blog Hop Frog Legs & Escargot Escape Buttons

OR

STARVING WRITER’S SPECIAL: Blank Screens Frank & Beans w/  Wordless Watermelon

 

AFTER YOUR MEAL

Keyword Keylime Pie

Simile Spumoni

Deleted Donuts

Ping-Back Pumpkin Pie

Published Plum Pudding

Dashboard Cheeseboard

Expressive Espresso

Italian Italicized Ice

 I better stop here because I’m afraid one of my clever readers is going to make me eat my own words! 

Disclaimer:  If someone asks me what the hell I’m doing there, I will actually be able to justify my presence.  It seems that I was selected for 1 of 25 “Voices of the Year” in the Humor category.  Now that’s a real laugh.

But if you don’t have indigestion by now and would like to read the post that got me that honor.  Click Here. 

Yes, I could very well have made this badge up on Photoshop . . . if I wasn't so computer challenged.

Yes, I could very well have made this badge up on Photoshop . . . if I wasn’t so computer challenged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OMG! God Is Everywhere. . . Online!

photo-351It’s a full moon and God has been stalking me.  Online.   Now mind you, I think it could possibly be a God Fraud, (He spells his name Godd) but I still find it enormously flattering and will NOT get a restraining order.   It all started when I couldn’t resist clicking on the “See Who Viewed You Recently,” button on “Linked In.”  And there he was!

Godd’s Profile on LinkedIn

PROFESSIONS:

1.  Vacuum Salesman  (Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness?)

2.  Detective/Investigator (God Works in Mysterious Ways?)

3.  Atlas Van Lines (God Can Move Heaven AND Earth?)

4.  Beef Industry (Holy Cow!)

5.  Math Teacher (Your Numbers Up!)

He also endorsed me for Writing Poetry, Building Toothpick Sculptures and Cooking Meatloaf Shaped like a Heart.  How on earth did Godd ever know that??

The next thing I knew, Godd sent me a Friend Request on Facebook!!  For Heaven’s sake!

So I checked him out there, too….

Godd’s Profile on Facebook

Divorced From:  Betsy   (Heavens To Betsy!)

Children:   Two

Daughter – Marcy  (Lord Have Mercy? – – Typo on Birth Certificate?)

Son – Susej  (Dyslexia?)

Favorite Quote:  “There, but for the Grace of God, Go I.”

Favorite Food:  Angel Food Cake

Favorite Song:  “My Sweet Lord” (George Harrison)  and “God Only Knows” (The Beach Boys)

Favorite Movie:  All Dogs Go To Heaven

Pet Peeve:  Why do so many people have to sneeze every single minute?

Then to my surprise, I got a notification that Godd had become a Follower of mine right here on WordPress, so I went to peruse his Blog and this is what I saw.

 

“Godd With a Blog”

Where I part the          Red         C         C’s

Godd’s About Page – – This blog is for all my creations made in my own image.  I am all places at all times, all knowing and all powerful.   I command you to follow thee.

 

COMMENTS  (3)

 

photo-192 Wow.   You’ve really got a God complex.  Good luck with that, buddy!

 

 

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Thanks for liking my most recent post on Tablets.  You did understand that they were electronic, right?  Just checking because the advice to smash them was confusing? At any rate, it will be nice to have an omniscient narrator around.

 

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I really like the theme of your blog.  Maybe you could write an updated list of the Ten Plagues?  Cuz Lice?  Really?

Then suddenly I got a Wink from Godd at Match.Com.  Of course I just had to view him there.

Godd’s Profile on Match.Com

 

Hi!  Thank you for considering me.  Though I’m not tall, dark and handsome, I count my blessings that I don’t look like George Burns.  But the good news is – –  YOU needn’t have the face of an Angel either.  Just be a good person.  I would describe my personality as follows:   Wise (Proverbs 3:19; Romans 16:26-27) Righteous and Just (Deuteronomy 32:4; Psalm 11:7; Psalm 119:137) and Gracious (Exodus 34:6).

I have just a few rules I would like for my Perfect Match to follow, well there’s Ten really.  Be warned:  There could be Hell to pay if you don’t abide by them.  But we can talk about that on our first date.  And Holy Smokes, please be a non-smoker! As for what we’ll do together?  For G-d’s sake, please leave that in My Hands, too.  I have a Grand Plan.  But we won’t be going to hell in a handbasket, I can promise you that.

My hobbies are Walking on Water, Burning Bushes, Raising Hell and when it Freezes Over, I Pave the road to it with good intentions. I also enjoy keeping busy with arts and crafts because idle hands are the devil’s workshop. What am I looking for in a mate?  Just please don’t have a fiery temper like my last girlfriend – – Hell have no fury like a woman scorned.

After all of this, I thought we might be fairly compatible so I poked Godd and then gave him my phone number.  I even mentioned I was excited to meet him with a few exclamation points.   I got this text back from him:

No OMG’s pls.

That was followed by another message, which made me think he might be the jealous type.

i  m only 1 4 u. seriously! no 1 b4 me.

We set up a time/place to meet and I must say at first I was rather disappointed.   As is usual for these dating sites,  Godd did not resemble his image at all.  They must not have been recent pics.  And he had a little paunch.  I betcha he snored, too.

But then Godd confessed.   He was not  “Almighty.”  He was only just sorta, “Alrighty.”  It seems he wasn’t getting any responses to his ordinary profiles when he had put down his true description of, “Odd”  – –  so one day he added the “G” just for fun.   The results had been life-changing.   He immediately felt like God’s Gift to Women.

I was actually relieved.  The original way was just far too much pressure.  But now . . . well my being “Quirky” and him being “Odd” seemed like it could work.  I mean we could possibly be a match.  Just not a match made in heaven, of course.

If you want to send a message to G-d, you can do so by clicking  HERE

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/moon/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How I Came THIS Close to Getting Freshly Pressed !!

photo-350I’ve been doing a lot of research on how to get it to happen . . . the pinnacle experience here on WordPress – – the honor of having your blog post exposed to millions of new readers.  It’s called “Freshly Pressed.”

I came to the conclusion that there’s nothing a writer can do to make it happen . . . except maybe pray.

With that in mind, Here are the Steps I Took Towards my Goal:

MY FRESHLY PRESSED STRATEGY

1.  I went to my House of Worship today and when I got there, the clergy put his hands over my head and uttered some holy words about my Blog.  Freshly Blessed!

2.  I then knelt down and admitted I had told a few friends I had 50,000 Followers.   Freshly Confessed!

3.  He then pronounced me a little crazy eyed, kinda guilty – – maybe “the devil made me do it?”  Freshly Possessed!

4.  While I was there he also healed some of my other ailments, including Writer’s Block.  Freshly Convalesced!

5.  I went home to prepare for a date with another writer and put on a clean skirt.  Freshly Dressed!

6.  The writer showed me his new book and I oohed and awed.  Freshly Impressed!

7.  Feeling inferior, I got up to leave – – but he asked me to stay.  I reluctantly sat down.  Freshly Acquiesced!

8.  We ordered roasted chicken and I took my favorite part – – the white meat.  Freshly Breast!

9.  He rapidly took my hands, looked into my eyes briefly, and in a big hurry said he’d call me soon.  Freshly Expressed!

10.  I did my best sexy old movie star impression and drawled, “Why doncha come up and see me sometime?”  Freshly Mae West

11.  That made him embrace me, running his hands slowly down my backside.  Freshly Caressed!

12.  When I drove home, I couldn’t stop thinking about his muscular arms, shoulders and chest. Freshly obsessed!

13. I stepped hard on the gas pedal as I began to feel anxious that he wouldn’t call again.  Freshly Stressed!

14.  The cop asked if I knew how fast I was going?  I was unsure, but tried to estimate. 65 mph?  Freshly Guessed!

15.   When he said he was going to write me up, I began to argue.  Freshly Protest!

16.  Then he handed me the ticket and I made a recommendation of where he could stick it.  Freshly Suggest!

17.  He didn’t like that and took out his handcuffs.  Freshly Arrest!

18.  I asked him to sing to me, reminding him that people get a last wish before they go to jail.  Freshly Request!

19.  He changed into his costume, (white sequined pants, sunglasses) and put on a long, black famous wig.  Freshly Tressed!

This was the moment I had been waiting for!  I knew it would finally happen.  As I watched him gyrate his hips to Jailhouse Rock, he transformed into a brand new, updated version of  “Elvis, The King!”  And that’s when I realized, (I was never getting Freshly Pressed.  Nope!)  I was getting  “Presley Freshed!”

And now I remain Freshly Depressed.

 

“Thank you.  Thank you very much!”