Blech!
“Birds of a feather flock together.” Maybe that just means you should marry someone who also owns a parakeet. In honor of February and Valentines Day, I’m trying to find out if there’s any truth to that age old theory that opposites not only attract; they make for long sustaining unions?
First I will confess to writing Snopes.com to convince them to list this notion as an urban legend based on my past, personal (and polarized!) relationships, which went downhill faster than Lady Gaga can belt out, “Bad Romance.” Now I’m not talking the Donny and Marie syndrome, (“she’s a little bit country, he’s a little bit rock n’ roll”) I mean true fundamental differences at the very core of your personalities. So can extreme opposites ever really work out in the long run?
I’ve been married nine times. Note: In reality I’ve only walked down the aisle twice but I’m trying to disguise my situation because my ex-husbands are best buddies and claim they’ll collaborate to sue me if I ever blog about them. (Like you can copyright aggravation!) Maybe after reading this, they’ll join forces and search for the seven other stashed away, missing ex-husbands instead!
Husband #6 (really #1 but shhhh!) seemed like your typical romantic bachelor during courtship, but I soon realized he was a Sciencemathologist. That’s code for being a total left-brained thinker. (Note: I’m a right-brained creative, emotional personality type – just in case fabricating seven extra marriages and concocting the word “Sciencemathologist” didn’t tip you off)
This husband expressed his affection by custom ordering Valentine conversation candy with the periodic table elements on them. I found this slightly endearing – after all, how many chalky, heart-shaped Pepto-Bismols proclaiming, “crazy4u” can you consume? And there’d be instances when I’d need the atomic number for both helium and aluminum, right? Suppose I simultaneously bought a party balloon and a roll of Reynolds Wrap? Hey, it could happen. 
“Oh Honey, No diamond engagement ring, please. I’ll just loop some carbon atoms around my finger,” said no Bride-To-Be ever!
Instead of anniversaries symbolized with the traditional gifts of paper, linen, silk, bronze and pearls, he favored titanium, sulfur, lithium, sodium (sodium got me a saltshaker) hydrogen, and chlorine. No, that last one doesn’t mean he built us a swimming pool. My friends deemed it “quaint” but I wasn’t sticking around for the big ten-year gifts — plutonium and arsenic.
A certain other husband (who shall remain numberless) was a painstakingly slow decision maker, a fastidious planner, and tossed food out days before the sell-by dates. I’m carefree and spontaneous, (sounds better than saying disorganized and impulsive) and happen to know Dannon puts premature expirations on their yogurt. Heck, I even throw caution to the wind and buy day-old donuts. Needless to say, leaving the house simultaneously was impossible, let alone going away on vacations. Miles ahead, I’d sneak through airport security, (harboring full-size tubes of Colgate, mind you) while back home, he hunched over the bathroom sink, deliberating, “should toothpaste really have baking soda in it?”
(above) Yep, he highlighted expiration dates.
And SEX! So how was intimacy, you might inquire? Scheduled and organized. Or maybe that was just a game of “Twister” we always played? (“Left hand on red negligee!”) Where was his soap-opera push me down on the pillows passion play? Things were entirely too calm in the boudoir and elsewhere. Grocery shopping was equally regimented, with elaborate lists written for a week’s worth of dinners. Do you know on Sunday if you’ll be in the mood for beef-stew on Wednesday in the dining room? Or (ahem) “Beefcake” on Friday in the bedroom?!
I’m certainly not the only one grappling with these oil & water issues. My friend Tiffany (who promises NOT to sue me if I mention her scenario) enjoys expressing herself with eloquent and flowery phrases that even Hallmark has plagiarized. However her boyfriend (who doesn’t care enough to send the very best, but still expects a little somethin’ somethin’) is one of those “Love Ya” kinda guys.
You know the type. They can’t even be bothered to spell “love” correctly, so she gets “Luv Ya!” And exactly what part of speech is “Ya” anyhow? Pretty sure it’s an exclamation like “duh or “meh.” If a man can’t commit to using a solid personal pronoun, then he shouldn’t be dangling his participles in your direction. But yesterday Tiffany excitedly called to report a new revelation . . . he switched to “Wuv You!” Not wanting to shatter her “Tiffany Epiphany” I said, “Congratulations, Tiff. Now you can say you’re in a relationship with a guy who speaks fluent Kitten.”
I still haven’t come to any definitive conclusions on this whole opposite dilemma but as you read this, I’ll probably be answering the door to find both my exes standing united, holding an official court summons.
On the porch will sit a Bunsen burner and some stale Sourdough rolls. “Even though you didn’t use our real names and you changed our marital numerical order, we still recognized ourselves in your blog” they’ll accuse in unison. And I’ll be hard pressed to deny it – after all, personality traits as distinctively irritating as theirs are hard to camouflage.
But I’ll finally have my answer to the age-old question. Do opposites definitely attract? No, but they definitely attack!
Have you been drawn to your opposite? Did it last? I’d love to hear.
Bad Bitter Butter!
- He HIGHLIGHTED the exp. date!
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Once Upon Your Prime 
Yeah, I’m attracted to the opposite but I’m also attracted to the same.
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First, I loved, loved this post! Second, where, where can I get those hearts with the periodic table? Instant love. And that line: “Congratulations Tiff! He’s one step closer to KittenSpeak.” was laugh-out-loud funny. So good!
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hey you! You have amazing tenacity to make it thru this many of my posts on Oscar Night! Anyhow, wanted to let you know that this was an online generator where you could make the hearts say anything you want. And then save the image. BUT….it you want to order them in real life, just Google custom printed conversation hearts. Thank you for loving (understanding) my humor.
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No no, thank you! For the laughs and for the candy info. I ordered those custom hearts and I can’t wait to surprise my husband with them. I went with Dubnium, Thorium, and Ytterbium. Yum!
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Haha great post, very funny 🙂 My husband and I are opposites, so I guess it is true lol. But it causes us to argue over EVERYTHING! We’ve only been married for 4 years so I couldn’t tell ya lol
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Check back with me in ten!
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Reblogged this on DrShapero's Blog and commented:
Your relationship will certainly impact all other areas of your life. I am so fortunate to have a partner who supports and adds tremendously to all areas of my life. May you be as blessed. Now have fun with this jest filled article.
Humor is good, enjoy Dr. Shapero
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Thank you!
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Wow! so honest and funny – loved it! 🙂
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Many thanks, Tina!
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Save me from regimentation and give me spontaneity every time. Me and mine (with one divorce each behind us) are sometimes too much alike but the laughter, even after nearly two decades, is sublime. That’s the most important factor of all.
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Perhaps omitting V-day is the secret to romance! Well, congrats on 25 years of “pretty well working.” And yep – – the real secret has gotta be the humor. Thanks for dropping in today!
Stephanie
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Funny post with some truth.
Yes, I think that opposites attract each other. I have been living with the same man for 25 years and it works pretty well although we couldn’t be more different. I still don’t know how we manage to make it work. Lots of laughter and humor I would say.
BTW we never celebrate Valentine’s Day!
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Great job! Tiffany Epiphany! Darling, you crack me up! There are too many goodies to mention them all, but I did appreciated the Fe 26 candy heart. Hey, just had a thought – with 9 husbands current or ex, you’ve got a ball team, yes?
I may be a quasi authority on marriage since I’m on my third. And that’s not counting the intervening long term “living with” arrangements. Perhaps I’m more an authority on divorce, ya think? Anywho, opposites may attract, but you dang well better make sure there is enough in common. I think I got it right this time.
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You always seem to notice the “small stuff, Maggie!” Thanks for that by the way….I usually work the hardest on the tiniest of details. And YES…one of your last blogs inspired me to make a candy heart with Iron….lol. I am glad you got it right this time with marriage! Maybe threes a charm? I have only blundered two thus far. But they gave me enough material to fill out 9 “psuedo-exes!” Come back again soon, my dear.
Stephanie
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I married an opposite. My anniversary gift last year was a crystal ball. Maybe I will repost on our beloved fb site;) great post
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It was really incredibly rich prose. I am so glad you did! Can’t you repost it on your blog for new followers?
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We’ve been doing the ‘attract + repel’ dance for the last 33 years. I guess it just depends on which way you’re holding your magnet.
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Yeah Donna – – you probably have enough “Same” to keep a bond and enough “different” to keep it VERY interesting!
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This was another funny one. Certainly arguments for both but generally speaking it’s nice to have some common ground. Also, nice to be able to look at this with some humor which is important when things do not go according to plan.
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Do things ever go according to plan? Thanks for dropping by!
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You have a great point. It’s good to be flexible.
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Absolutely loved this – hilarious. And in some cases opposites do attract and stay together. My husband and I are total opposites – everybody has always said that. We just celebrated 30 years. It wasn’t easy, but we did it without killing each other.
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Thank you! Congrats on the big 30! Let’s see….what Anniversary present would that be? Probably Gold or Diamonds for you, right? My ex would have given me some Mercury!
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