What’s in Your Bag? (a guessing game!)


photo-244Some Ladies magazines do a column, “What’s inside a certain Celebrity’s designer bag?”  It usually features hints on what products to buy – –  so you too can look just like the actual movie star!  But we know better than to think that carrying a designer keychain like Jennifer Aniston will have us carrying her gorgeous figure too.   But today, in honor of Spring Cleaning (Whoever thought that concept up had far too much time on HIS hands)  I have decided to go through my own bag.  But why should I stop there??

 

Checking out my bag today, what the heck’s in my purse?

Wouldn’t it be all the more fun to describe it in verse?

There’s lipstick, mascara, & crumbly pink blush,

Chewing Gum, a Birthday Tiara to feel Royal in a rush.

Saltines and single serve apples, pummeled to mush,

And a stray tampon in packaging marked, “Please Do Not Flush.”

Where’s the gift cards, the American Express, the cold, hard cash?

Just a few coins, wrinkled tissues, and some creme for diaper rash.

That’s kinda funny, when my “baby” is old enough to curse.

But just when I think rummaging can’t get much worse . . .

From a funeral yesterday, I have a business card for a hearse?

Where's the beef??

Where’s the beef??

Moving on to my kitchen, what’s going down in my Fridge?

Aside from greenish Provalone (and hey that’s just a Smidge!)

Besides, I assert to my family, if the truth were to be told…

Where do you think cheese comes from, if not from a bit of mold?

On the Top Shelf, you can see “Top Chef” has obviously been fired,

Hardened Kraft macaroni (and more cheese!) leaves little to be desired.

Oh wait!  He wasn’t laid-off – – he tossed his white puffy hat and promptly retired.

After all, what’s left to prepare when the eggs and the butter have expired?

In the produce drawer, (like my purse!) exists apples, but I use the term loosely,

Let’s just say there’s no need for a blender to get fruit in this house juicely.

Tupperware = the Family Game, “Guess what lives in here for your dinner?”

Who needs Weight Watchers?  This is the most effective way to get thinner.

One last look at the freezer’s contents, and I turned and I smiled,

“We’re eating out tonight, kids – – next life you should be born to Julia Child.”

It's an Auto Buffet!

It’s an Auto Buffet!

But just when I thought it was safe for us to pile in behind the wheel,

Under the passenger’s side, I found part of a McDonald’s Happy Meal.

But a mother’s instinct sensed I should probably take another peek…

And lo and behold, out rolled a carton of yogurt and it was actually Greek!

But I ask you, what else would you expect from a mother this chic?!?

In the seat pockets, were napkins, cups and silverware galore,

Ketchup packs, soda cans and french fries littered the car floor.

In the glove compartment were remnants of steak cooked by flame,

I’ll tell you, this gourmet vehicle really put my refrigerator to shame.

So I cranked up the Bee Gees and flickered on and off the interior light.

“Welcome to Mom’s Disco” I said, “We’re eating in the Toyota tonight!”

47 thoughts on “What’s in Your Bag? (a guessing game!)”

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  3. Hi Stephanie 😀 I am so, so pleased that you mentioned this post as it’s so funny yet true. I have local friends here in Spain with identically filled fridges but have more wine bottles stuffed somewhere on their Tardis shelves 😀

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  5. This is awesome Stephanie! Congrats on the publication. My fridge may compare to yours, and, in our ever continuing pattern of like minded blogging, I actually wrote a poem dedicated to rotted fruit left in the fridge, soon to be published. I will have to tag this in it. However, I must say, I travel light with the purse and do my best to keep junk from accumulating in the car.

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    • I get a big thrill any time YOU read one of my amateur rhymes, so thank you!! Can’t wait to read your rotted fruit!! I cannot tell you the number of times I have turned grapes into raisins and then told my kids, “Hey, I meant to do that — to put in our raisin bran cereal!”

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      • That’s a good one. I’ll have to write that down. It will definitely come in handy. I only wish it was just grapes to raisins as I am guilty of crimes far more sinister when it comes to culinary disasters.

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  7. Twas at midnight before Stephanie released her next post, and all through the house
    Not a sound could be heard, but an occasional grouse
    And to think that I heard it on Mulberry Street!

    A little Moore Seus?

    Thanks again for the fun! I appreciate all the sculpting that you do to get your posts just right.

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  8. OMG this was cracking me up! I always swear that I am going to be a super with it mom that has everything together from the house in perfect order without a trace of dust to the car being clean, vacuumed, and kid garbage free. Never gonna happen! No matter what with kids from 4, 7, & 19 (even thought the 19 year old does not live at home) there is no chance of this being my future any time soon!

    Thanks for being so honest. It is nice to know that I may resemble some sense of normal!

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    • Thank you so very much for that comment. You’ve got quite the age range children, like I do. We moms just have to give ourselves permission to prioritize and remember that nobody said (at the end of life) that they wished they had a closer relationship with Hoover or Bissell, right? Take care!
      Stephanie

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  16. Dang! You are good woman…it looks likes being at the threshold of the next decade has inspired you to greatness…Have a happy! (I’m even still chuckling at bumblepuppies’ last comment) oh, and the last line is perrrrrrfect! What an image!

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  17. “there’s no need for a blender to get fruit in this house juicely.”

    Juicely? I’ll have to use that one!

    Are you sure we don’t drive the same food-encrusted vehicle? Your description sounds suspiciously familiar!

    Very funny!

    🙂

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  18. Excellent…I don’t know how you do it! Really enjoyed reading that…one of my favorites! And I know that you’re not exaggerating about the refrigerator. For an encore, maybe you can write a little poem about the pantry next week? 😉

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