And Now We Take A Pregnant Pause!


photo-274In the last month there seems to have been quite a few bewildered females “out there,” walking around in a 9 month state of conception confusion.   It appears some women are under the impression they have a stomach virus, when in fact, they are really about to give birth. Just like this link will explain . . .   Woman’s Tummy Ache is Really a Nine lb. Baby Boy!  (And wouldn’t that be a nifty commercial slogan for Tums or Alka-Seltzer??!)

But conversely, (though admittedly a tad less common) there are many gals who fancy the notion they are carrying up to Four Babies, when in actuality they are simply wearing a pair of ill-fitting Spanx.  (Woman tricks boyfriend and entire town into believing she is having Quadruplets!)    And no, this was not Alan Funt’s grandson from Candid Camera who was “tricked.”

But never fear – – Little Miss Menopause (who has six children and can empathize with how subtly mysterious the last few days leading up to Labor and Delivery can be) has decided to come to the rescue of these poor baffled Mothers-To-Be and Mothers-NOT-To-Be (as the case may be!) with a handy, clever checklist that will help them tell the difference between just a simple “Jelly Belly” and a “Baby Belly.”  It’s tricky, but she thinks she can lend a helping hand.

She also recommends this same list to give some clarity to all the male companions of these mixed-up women so they can avoid things like having to sheepishly return a truckload of diapers and infant clothing, (donated on Facebook by well-meaning community members) or being interviewed on the 11:00 evening news and saying things like, “It was the darndest thing – –  first I assembled four cribs from Ikea while swearing like a sailor, then we thought up four different first and middle name combinations that went perfectly with our last name “Goofenblogger,” and then I rushed into the hospital room in time to see the doctor yank our four cute little floral chintz living-room throw pillows out from underneath her blouse.

So Without Further Ado, Little Miss Menopause Presents . . .

How To Definitively Decipher If You’re Really “With Child.”

 

1.  If you still think about sex, you are most definitely, absolutely, completely NOT pregnant.  Period!!  (or even if you stop your period!)

2.  If a well-meaning male co-worker remarks they thought all “Ladies-in-Waiting” were supposed to have a healthy glow or look radiantly happy,” and the police haven’t referred to you as “a Person of Interest” in their murder case, then there’s no baby.

3.  If you can still find a basket of saltine crackers in a restaurant even remotely appealing, you’re not Prego.

You may not be This. But you can still pour this over pasta.

You may not be “This.” But you can still pour “This” over pasta without vomiting your guts out.

4.  If you don’t mutter things like, “Breasts just slightly more sensitive than usual, my ass!” aloud to the author of the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book, you are simply not Expecting.

5.  If you prepare older Siblings-To-Be by saying things like, “Do you know what mommy has in her tummy?” and they instantly respond with, “yes, the cushion that matches our dining room drapes,” you’re a Big, Fat Faker.

6.  If a girlfriend asks you to go shoe shopping and you don’t immediately think it’s “Naturalizers or Nothing,” then you’re experiencing a Phantom Pregnancy.

7.  When your husband asks you what the baby’s kicking feels like, and you don’t have a sudden, increased desire to demonstrate by kicking HIM in the beer-gut the very next time he’s happily snoring away . . . don’t even bother signing up for diaper delivery service.

8.   If you haven’t changed the title of Beyonce’s song, from  “All the Single Ladies!” to “All the Double Ladies!” and chanted the chorus as, “If you liked that last piece of cake, then you shoulda put a (napkin) ring on it!” rest assured that you don’t have a bun in the oven.

9.  If it’s one day after your official due date, and you don’t answer your incessantly ringing telephone by growling, “Yes, I AM still here.  Go get a life!”  then you are so NOT Knocked-Up.

10.  If you still think it’s worth it to be pregnant because you get to pull your car into all the good parking spots at the mall – –  plus you’re entitled to gobble two boxes of Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies without feeling guilty because you’re “eating for two” now – –  someone (like me!)  needs to tell you that pregnant women actually only need an extra 200-400 extra calories a day.  There!!  We’ll see if you don’t come to your senses this very minute and go ride all the forbidden rollercoasters at Disneyland , followed by drinking two glasses of wine.

11.  If you are shopping for a bathing suit to impress your new guy because you just lost 12 pounds, and the salesgirl asks you when your baby is due?  You have my permission to give her a dirty look and inform her that you are definitely not pregnant.  But why doesn’t she try having four C-sections in 7 years?!?

12.  HOWEVER – – if you’ve lasted 38 weeks in a condition that would rival a beached whale, keep dreaming you’re giving birth to a dancing red-haired Hamster – – you hate everyone, everything, everywhere, every sound they make, every touch they take, every smell they bake, every minute you’re awake, every body part will ache, every emotion you fake — and if someone says, “You think you’re tired now?  Just wait till the baby comes!” one more time, you’ll slap them quicker than you can say “Give me my Epidural, NOW!” then you need to start your deep-breathing technique, pack your bags and head to the nearest hospital – – because you’re definitely going to be a mother.  And life as you know it will never be the same again.

 

38 thoughts on “And Now We Take A Pregnant Pause!”

  1. LMAO!!! Wow, Lady. That is quite the list! Numbers 1, 4, 6, 8, and definitely, definitely 12. Oh my goodness, yes!

    “who has six children and can empathize with how subtly mysterious the last few days leading up to Labor and Delivery can be”.

    Laughed so hard I think I pulled something. Yeah, I don’t understand how women can not know. And the funniest part is that they’ve usually had kids before!!! Mind-blowing. And this post, mind-blowingly funny!

    🙂

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  6. Carefully crafted title. Check
    More than one good laugh per paragraph. Check
    Clever remake of an image. Check
    Mentions food. Check
    Includes a man to laugh at. Check
    Creative and meticulous prevention of word repetition, even when repeatedly referring to the same thing that is repeated a gazillion times. Check
    Alliteration and rhyming. Check

    Your Beyonce and Stevie Wonder remakes were my biggest laugh-makers.

    Hooray! You’re back! And in tip top shape! What a workout this one must have been.

    So, my adorable hubby and I just threw a luncheon to celebrate that it’s a week past my due date. I thought that we had that well-rested, after-sex look because we are so enjoying the glow of pregnancy, I stood tall in my comfy new spikes. Someone mentioned that it was strange that the pillows were all in their proper places. What a relief when they took all the leftovers. And then I had my annual mammogram. Are you telling me that I really just need an Alka-Seltzer?

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    • LOL! Oh my gosh – – catching breath here. A checklist comment! My first!! “Includes a man to laugh at.” LOL, LOL!! And you’re the only one who ever notices that i put a lot into prevention of word repetition. All of my revisions are usually focused on that! THANK YOU GRACE for being such an Eagle Eye. But wait a sec – – when did I do anything with Stevie Wonder. Did I made an inadvertent funny?? I can’t even find it now that i know what I’m looking for. I know I got the Police in there with the “every breath you take play” toward the end….but where is Stevie Wonder??? Thank you Grace – – you’re a dream come true. Your last paragraph stellar! Oh and, “Mentions food. Check.” LOLLLLLLLL!

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  7. Heehee! Awesome!
    Reminded me of my pregnancy years ago… There were many days I thought I’d have to call on my best friend to help bury a body (always that of a male- digging graves is not good for a pregnant woman) if I heard one more time: “Are you sure there’s just one in there?” or “Whoa-Ho, I didn’t know ankles could get that big!”

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  10. Belly laughs, that was very funny. It is the baby of those that are truly oblivious that have quite a road ahead of them. Perhaps the fakers should use a GynoSealy to see if the cushions are a genetic match. Those that have been through it know your list is clever and perhaps closer to the truth than we may like, very very funny.

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  11. Very helpful tips! I hate to admit that more than once, I’ve feared that a stomach ache or severe bloating was a baby on the way. Luckily, I always consulted Web MD before rushing to the gynecologist or sending out pink and blue announcements! Thanks for the clarification.

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    • Oh the Web MD! I’ve been meaning to do a posting on him! Do you want to do it, or shall I?? It really needs to be done! And you said the B word, Adelie….we don’t mention “bloating” in these parts. And just as a future aside – – your children are going to be drop dead gorgeous!! Thanks for coming.
      Stephanie

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      • Oh, I definitely think Web MD is a topic you could address with more wit and well-articulated veracity than I. Seriously, it wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining reading it from me. Your take on everything is just much more clever and engaging. Whenever I read your posts, I’m always in awe because I could never write about such topics with your level creativity and spunk. I’m greatly looking forward to reading your introspection about a website whose ultimate diagnosis is cancer, no matter what the symptoms. 🙂
        I greatly appreciate your compliment to my future children- I’ll be sure to print this one out and give it to them on their 5th birthdays (I think by then, you can form a definitive opinion of whether the child is cute or not 😛 ). The thing is, I was not a cute baby… by any means. In all seriousness, when I was born, I looked like a 50 year old man, whose name would be something like Herbert or Gerald. I then grew into an even uglier monstrosity. My parents actually called me the Michelin Man, as my body had a plethora of fat rolls. My parents say in all sincerity they were “worried about me.” Meaning, they thought I’d have to live outside with all the other farm animals. Though, my husband was a cutie, so maybe things will even out! 😀

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        • I daresay that I should NOT write a post about Web MD because every time I’ve gone on there, I develop every single symptom described. I’m scared that if I read about heart attacks there might be trouble. But I’m not a hypochondriac mind you, Adelie.

          And you will NEVER have me believing you weren’t an adorable child unless you provide photographic proof. But Michelin Man is hilarious. At least it wasn’t The Marlboro Man. Smoking is awful. It causes lung cancer. And even though I don’t smoke, my father did (a lot!) so I was exposed to second hand smoke throughout my childhood and I worry I might have lung cancer already. But I’m not a hypochondriac mind you, Adelie.

          Also, I’m glad you never had to live outside with all the other farm animals. Getting that much sunshine would surely do incredible damage, not to mention melanoma skin cancer. I try to never go outside if I don’t have to but still I have this little spot on my arm. But I’m not a hypochondriac mind you, Adelie.

          Well, I’m feeling nice and renewed after our conversation and thinking I will indeed tackle the Web MD posting. After all, what’s the worst that can happen, Adelie??

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          • Oh dear…This is going to be a wild ride! You have me thoroughly convinced that you are, in fact, not a hypochondriac. You’re just well-informed and astute! In fact, I think Web MD has a thing or two to learn from you!
            You know, I can easily spot a hypochondriac…I’m married to one! Several years ago when my husband and I were dating, he was at my parents house and seriously called me into the bathroom. He’s a very private, soft spoken man, but in this instance, he was convinced he had a worm in his poop (Which he had neatly displayed on folded toilet paper). Long story short, he summed up the courage to ask my mother to look at his poop…Sigh…It wasn’t a worm. I don’t know what it was, but it definitely wasn’t a worm!
            😛 Thought you could use the story for inspiration, though! Best of luck to you- I can’t wait to see what you come up with!

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  12. I was missing you.

    I had a friend in high school who denied she was pregnant, as did her parents, until she actually delivered a baby boy. Thank heavens he was okay despite her lack of prenatal care, and nineteen years later, they’re fine. After three pregnancies, the power of that psychosis still blows my mind.

    Now, can we have a lesson in how women in their mid-30s and 40s should understand how “oops” pregnancies can happen? Thankfully, I don’t need that lesson–I understand darn well how to make it so I’m never doing that again. In another body, I’d love an oops baby but this one’s done with that.

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    • I’ve missed seeing you around too. I guess I hibernated for a bit after Disneyland post. And then WordPress sent me this thing that I wasn’t meeting my goal of posting once a week. Hmmmm, I guess I earned zero extra credit all those weeks I posted three times?? It only points out my deficit. Typical. And wow, that is a wild story about your friend. Glad he was okay. We both have bodies that are “been there done that” finished! lol. Thank you!

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