Men At Work (Never Date These Guys!)


blog 1What are the worst professions to have a relationship with?   Most of you know I’ve been divorced twice now and careers seem to have caused a lot of tension in the union.  When a Creative Writer (me) marries a Technical Writer (him), she should be prepared to have her entire life edited.  The first red (literally red!) flag was when he took his red pen to our wedding vows. But I’ve had my grocery lists, daily planner, and tooth fairy notes to our kids proofread as well.  Love letters that I thoughtfully composed were returned to me with the comment, “Couple of run-on sentences, but otherwise a great first draft!”  He told me “i before e except after c” so many times, I finally changed the spelling of my name to “Stephanei,” just to irritate him.

The husband before him was an engineer.  Not the easygoing kind of engineer who makes the train go, “Choo-Choo.”  No, he was an   Electrical Engineer  that designed chips, (nothing to do with salsa, by the way)  but I can’t talk about his career because he holds some sort of Top Secret Security Clearance, which I always suspected means he just runs a big hush-hush yearly sale at Walmart.

Here then, in no particular order, (and certainly not in the order that they dumped me!) are the different fields of work I’ve had the experience of dating and my “sparse and neutral” comments that follow.

Vague, Vapid, Volatile, Vexing Vocations

 

Owner Of a Merry Maid Service – – And these weren’t just joyful women who cleaned during the Christmas season either.  This fastidious man had a Maid Brigade of housekeepers at his beck and call – –  so of course, he could never find out that he had a messy girlfriend.  Or that the song playing in my house was “Another One Invites the Dust!” Or that my one and only use for a  broom was being swept off my feet.   I scrubbed more surfaces in that one hour before he was due over my condo than a surgeon does in a lifetime.  (Note: I never dated a surgeon)  I even discarded old, tattered recipes for Sloppy Joes.  Days before our dinner date, I wore white gloves so I wouldn’t fingerprint my glass table or mirrors.  And then it happened.  With just ten minutes before his arrival, my vacuum broke.   So I did what any girl would do hoping to impress a Neatnik.  I got out the salad tongs and ran them over every rug in every room in the house, making those telltale tracks for that “just Hoovered” look.  Of course when it came time to serve my first course, there were gold shag carpet fibers tossed in with his lettuce.  Yes, not only was I a slob, but I was an outdated one who needed to redecorate.

Did you know these work as a vacuum in a pinch?

Did you know these work as a vacuum in a pinch?

The Police Officer – – Being a writer, I kept insisting he growl, “Throw the book at her!” in his meanest voice.  He was also disappointed when instead of racy bedroom fun with his handcuffs, I wouldn’t unlock them until he admitted that highway patrol officers really DO have a quota for giving traffic tickets.  I also worried that there would be telltale evidence around my apartment, so I wore those same white gloves (see above with the cleaning business man) in case he decided to lift my fingerprints off a wine goblet.   It was at that point that I thought of having a threesome.  The officer could frisk me and proudly announce to Merry Maid Guy, “She’s clean.” What a turn-on.

The Magician – – This relationship started off bad – – He was the entertainer on a cruise ship and his first trick of the evening was making his wedding ring vanish.  Meanwhile the only thing I ever learned to make disappear was the midnight chocolate buffet.   But still he persisted in dating me, sadistically refusing to teach me his secrets while enjoying my frustration over how the sawed-in-half lady’s pedicure always stayed so pretty.   But I got even with him – – one Father’s Day, I replaced his Presto-Change-O color growing necktie with a boring paisley one on sale at Sears.  Before the big cocktail party in his home, he asked me to make sure he had a full deck of cards – –  so I covered his patio with Get Well, Happy Birthday, and “Congratulations on Your Retirement” Hallmark greetings.  Next I velcroed odd items inside the hem of his costume that would come loose at inopportune moments.  Maybe he didn’t have anything up his sleeves, but out of his pant legs tumbled rubber bands, gluesticks and pieces of duct tape.  For his grand finale, he pulled a rabbit out of a hat . . . with a condom on its tail.  Needless to say, at the end of his act (as family and friends clapped half-heartedly) he bowed out of our relationship in a puff of smoke.

That would be the last time he pulled out a coin from underneath my dress.

That would be the last time he pulled out a coin from underneath my dress.

Barney Rubble – – Before he was married to Betty, I went out with him a few times until his laugh drove me berserk.  Okay,  so I was just seeing if you were paying attention my Dear Reader!  And also if you believe I’m old enough to have lived in the Stone Age.  But I’m not in that generation;  it was really his son, Bam-Bam I went steady with.  And I was literally quite broken-up when he broke up with me using that club of his.

The Accountant – –  This guy put an ad on Match.com saying he was looking for his female counterpart – – the perfect Bookkeeper.  I dragged my entire series of hardbound Nancy Drew’s out of the garage and lined them up alphabetically against a handsome shelf on my living room wall.  He wasn’t impressed.  When I learned foreplay would consist of balancing my checkbook for hours on end, I knew we were finished.

The Chiropractor:  His best pick-up line – – “Don’t worry baby, I got your back.”  But when he found out I was too scared to let him adjust any part of my body, he told me I needed an attitude adjustment and walked (perfectly straight) out the door.

The Attorney/Professional Chef:  If that isn’t a winning combo, I don’t know what is.  He thought I was cute when I asked him if “that was a docket in his pocket or he was just happy to see me?”  But eventually the burden of proof was on me to show him I could cook.  Exhibit A was charred beyond recognition, and my kitchen smelled so bad, he had to ask, “May I approach the stench?”  But when I couldn’t even make a decent cup of coffee, that caused a latte of problems and was grounds for a break-up.

Orthodontist – – An unful”filling” relationship because he never appreciated my biting sense of humor.  There were just far too many puns to be made in this relationship, so I braced myself for getting on his nerves.  But as it turns out, many romantic moments were ruined as he gazed into my eyes and inquired if I ever thought of doing a little something with my endearing overbite?  Ignoring what I blatantly told him I thought of doing at the moment, he instead suggested a retainer.  A retainer??!  That’s when I fantasized about another perfect threesome with the Lawyer!   He could sue the orthodontist for incisor trading and as a witness, I could solemnly swear to tell the tooth and nothing but the tooth.

Owner of Kraft Inc. – – It should be quite obvious after reading this blog, my perfect match is with a man who appreciates cheesy writing. It seems I have become a bit obsessed with puns lately.

 

What’s your profession and which ones have you found you are quite incompatible with?

 

89 thoughts on “Men At Work (Never Date These Guys!)”

  2. I liked this post only a paragraph in because I had already laughed out loud three times. I love your style of writing. I aspire to be at least half as witty as you in the near future. Keep it up!

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    • Hey and thank you so much! It’s always fun for me when someone lands on an older post of mine. And I get so curious as to how they found it! By the way, the name “Fearlessexistence” is three times as witty as anything I can come up with….no accident a reader picks up “Sex” right in the middle of that, eh?!
      take care,
      Stephanie

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  3. The lawyer – every discussion had to be backed by precedent and the argued before a jury of our peers ie having huge fights in front of friends and appealing to the jury to find me guilty.

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  4. Let’s see … I saw your blog name, and as National Certified Menopause Practitioner, I just had to come check you up. I’m SOOOO glad that I found humor!

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      • I am indeed. If you google NAMS (the North American Menopause Society) you’ll learn about this certification. If you went to my blog, you’ll have figured out that it is about photography and motorcycles. My NCMP is one of my certifications in addition to being a Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner.

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  5. hmmmmm….

    You do realize that if you nominate me for a Liebster you’ll have to tell everyone about the response I authored when your husband nominated me.

    And do you really trust me to be nice? 😉

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    • Hi Grace! I just said Grace earlier. Yes, yes, pun intended. But seriously, my ex asked if I’d seen you around these parts and I told him we have private email correspondence. He was surprised you never responded to my mentioning you to him in the comment below. An astronaut, hmmm? Well, I don’t know – – the downside….”In Space, nobody can hear your puns!” The upside? Hey, it’s all looking up with an astronaut.

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      • You make a good point about an astronaut being a good V V’er (5 Vs: Vague, Vapid, etc.) I thought that the idea was way out there, but what else would you expect from Spacey Gracey ?

        You wanna know what you did to my sense of humor? When someone jokingly asked me to say grace, the best response I could come up with was, “me”. I was the only one who laughed…each time. Now, I think of you, and say a funny grace that is inappropriate for the occasion.

        Hi Ron! I left my calling card when I “liked” your comment. I was glad to see that you admitted to editing Stephanie’s shopping lists, just not her grocery lists. I also appreciate your pointing out the special care that she took to highlight your former job title with extra spaces. That was clever of her. Oh, and I like your Proctologist suggestion. He could share some far-fetched stories.

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  12. Magnificently clever! I’m glad I never came across any of those fellows- I just love living vicariously through you. Regarding your multiple remarks concerning threesomes- I do believe you might have some very interesting romantic writing in your skill set. So, along with the other articles that you promised to write, I will be waiting with baited breath to read your first romance novel (the cheesier, the better). I know you won’t disappoint! 😀

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    • hmmm, I have a pen name for that “other adult writing” I’ve done. 😉 But speaking of – – I’ve read what you’ve got going on at your blog recently and my, my, my…..I was a bit too breathless to comment afterwards but I am coming back to do so asap!

      Everyone check out the gorgeous artfullyadelie blog (click on her name above) – – she’s really made Saturdays the new favorite day of the week!!!

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      • lol you’re too kind, really! I hope sometime I’ll be worthy of learning your other pen name because that writing has to be SAUCY! I’m glad you liked my first Steamy Saturday- I hope I’m creative enough to keep it going lol! 😀 Feel free to share any other thoughts!

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  13. So, I definitely feel like I want to team up with you at some point one day to write something. I don’t know what, but something. It’d probably be the world’s best thing ever, because collabs are too much fun. (Hmm. I never get that musical off the ground…) Anyway. There’s that.

    In other news, my favorite puns here were within the attorney/chef. Too bad he wasn’t a chef/meteorologist, or you might have had a better shot at cooking up quite a storm. (I didn’t read the other comments, but I really hope I’m the first to say that one)

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    • Yep, you’re the very first one to make that clever remark. Since this morning. 😉 Seriously, you’re such a fun/hip/witty/gregarious commenter that it’s always such a pleasure to see your gravitar when I log on here! And team up? Hell yeah! But I still gotta say – – you’re going places all on your own….especially with that comedy sketch you wrote. Pure Gold. People – – If you haven’t seen this and need some laughs, go immediately to Bryon’s blog (click on BB2 above) or just use this link. http://bkblack28.wordpress.com/2014/04/09/who-else-but-diogenes/

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      • Ha – you’re a gem! The last thing I expected was another shoutout for the Diogenes sketch. I’m waiting for inspiration for the next sketch.
        For no reason at all, my brain just envisioned a version of your recent Disneyland adventure of going from one character to the next deceiving them for sympathy. But now I wonder what would happen if Diogenes was the one doing this, acting like a frail terminal old man who just wants to ride something in his last days just to annoy Socrates…and then doing something vile to the Disney character after the ride as a “haha got you” to them.
        I have no clue where this came ramble of an idea from. But apparently I enjoy your posts far too much for my own good. Lol.

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  16. I always preferred Barney to Fred, and Betty to Wilma… but … whatever happened to Pebbles? Wait. Don’t answer that. I bet that when she saw how smitten Bam-Bam was with you and your irrepressible humour… she new the jig was up.

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  19. Hahaha! Loved the chiropractor one! Awesome. I have a friend who was married to a chiropractor. Once she made a comment about having been a “doctor’s wife.” I said, “but chiropractors aren’t real doctors.” THAT did NOT go over well.

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  20. I’ll marry you. Three times a charm, right?
    I love all the puns and wordplays. It almost seems as if you were dating these guys just so you’d be able to make all those jokes:D Seems to me like you’ve led quite an interesting life. At least enough to give you inspiration for great many more blogs.

    Kind regards,

    Arthur

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  21. “…some sort of Top Secret Security Clearance, which I always suspected means he just runs a big hush-hush yearly sale at Walmart.”

    Best. Line. Ever.

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  22. Not the easygoing kind of engineer who makes the train go, “Choo-Choo.”

    Oh, I know the type all right. Some have it socially together and we can talk shop for days. Others are of the Scott Adams of the comic strip Dilbert variety– while I mostly get where they are coming from, they are so socially inept that I must cut them off swiftly before HULK SMASH POINTDEXTER.

    What’s your profession and which ones have you found you are quite incompatible with?

    Sorry, m’dear, I don’t have a profession until society accepts the microhomesteader househusband (and forgets the “on disability” part) again. About all I can say is Cimmorene says “I’m not a farmer” whenever I get excited about gardening and try to enlist her help because I can’t bend so well.

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      • Thank you 🙂 I usually can get support from many kind women such as yourself– but– I am wanting a little more acceptance from men, as well.

        I guess I can be thankful for what I have right now; my ward (read: congregation) is pretty inclusive about my situation. And, a bit more closely on topic- I thank you for the reminders on how to treat my dear Cimmorene, including kind gestures and “dating” time. (I know such things are still important!)

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  23. Straight up funny through and through my dear Stephanie. The last one was a bit cheesy but pretty sure the Merimade guy could clean that off the carpet before it stains. Could be a good round table starter for a women’s group. Laughed all the way through, nice work.

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  26. Dear Stephanei,

    I think that you are exaggerating a little. I didn’t actually edit your grocery lists. And by the way, if you had the “Show/Hide” paragraph feature turned on (turned on? 😉 like I have advised you numerous times, you would have noticed that you left quite a few double spaces between words in your post. I know, you did this intentionally just to “irritate” ME!

    Although I enjoyed reading your post, except for the part about me, I did LOVE the following two lines:

    “May I approach the stench?”
    “He could sue the orthodontist for incisor trading and as a witness, I could swear to tell the tooth and nothing but the tooth.”

    I don’t know how you come up with these, but they really made me laugh. I’m just a little jealous though because you thought of these before I did.

    For obvious reasons, you may also want to avoid dating a Proctologist. I’m sure you could come up with a lot of good puns on that one!

    Keep up the great work, Ms. Lewis!

    Mr. Lewis

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    • For your information, our children also complain that you “nitpick” their book reports with the number of spaces between words as well. I will ask any commenters reading this to state whether they notice that type of thing or if it’s just (as we suspect) only you.

      And I’m sure WeaverGrace will have something to say about your suggestion that I avoid dating a proctologist (thank you very much as I was trying to distract her from colonoscopy blogs!)

      Other than that, I greatly appreciate your continued support and encouragement with my posts like this, even though when it’s my turn to pick up the children, I’m so involved with my writing, I sometimes ask if you would mind dropping them off instead.

      Good of you to drop by, Mr. Lewis.
      Stephanei

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      • Dear Stephanei,

        Thank you very much for bringing that to my attention…that I “nitpick” too much. I will add that to my (long) laundry list of other “helpful criticisms” that you have brought to my attention over the years. 😉

        And as long as I’m still walking the dog for you and taking care of our, I mean your house for you while you go on yet another vacation, and I’m (still) bringing your spare car keys to you (almost weekly) when you lock yourself out of the car, yet again, the least I could do would be to pick the kids up for you this afternoon to make up for dropping them off for you earlier today! After all, I would not want that to interfere with your writing or cause any inconvenience to you. You are welcome, and the pleasure was all yours!

        Thank you,

        Mr. Lewis (aka “The “nitpicker!”)

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    • oh, that just made my Sunday! I know it’s not Sunday in your part of the world anymore, right? But I really appreciate such a compliment any day of the week!!
      take care now,
      Stephanie
      ** PS. Readers be sure and check out this lovely lady’s humor blog plus now it’s all in the family!! She has two teen daughters writing their own blogs (links all at Gluestickmum’s blog!)

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      • Thank you, Stephanei.
        BTW, did you know that schools in the UK no longer teach the ‘i before e’ rule as there are more words that break the rule than conform to it? Maybe a post using words such a ‘excellencies’, ‘fallacies’ and ‘heinous inaccuracies’ could be in the offing? I’m sure it would be right up Mr Lewis’ street. 😉

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  28. 35 years into matrimony, I shall bookmark this advice – just in case. In the meantime I shall fantasize about BAM! BAM! By the way, did you meet him at the Hard Rock Cafe?

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