What Do Bloggers Eat at a Meet & Greet ??


Maybe they eat "Meet(and greet!)Balls?

Maybe they eat “Meet(and greet!)Balls?

Seriously?  What was I thinking?  Registering for a huge Blogging Conference like BlogHer 2014?   I can’t converse with anyone verbally.  That’s why I became a writer in the first place.  And I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I don’t talk, I don’t drink and I don’t dance. All I do is sit in front of a keyboard and type.

And the only reason I’m capable of that is because I’m protected by the online anonymity.  But that will be stripped away, too.  I’ll have to wear one of those “Hello!  I’m Little Miss Menopause!” name tags.  And then people will approach me.  And say, “Really?  You’re not so little.”  Or, “How can you be a Miss if you’re divorced?  Wouldn’t that make you a Ms?”  Or, “So are you having a hot flash right this minute or are you just nervous to meet me?”

And then I am going to have a roommate.  What if she is a serious and substantial T-Bone Steak type blogger and thinks all us humor bloggers are just a jar of Marshmallow Fluff?  And if she’s one of those types who partakes in a specific, odd nightly routine.  Let’s say she takes a bubble bath, popping all but 11 bubbles, says prayers backwards, does 100 crunches to disguise the fact that she’s carried twins, sticks her head in the hotel mini-bar fridge for an hour, slathers on some awful smelling night creme and then humors   fluffs her pillow exactly 7 times on each side?  Oh wait, that’s my nightly routine.

Oh dear. What number Fluff was I on? Guess I'll have to start all over.

Oh dear. What number Fluff was I on? Guess I’ll have to start all over.

And then I’ll go to the fancy hotel ballroom for my meals.  And people are going to sit at tables without any laptops to keep their hands busy. What will we all do with our fingers besides tapping on the tablecloth like it’s an imaginary keyboard?  Maybe the centerpieces will be glitzy computer screens with the words, “Once Upon a Time….” typed in Helvetica font.

Of course the elegant board with our various dining choices will fall from the table and crash on to my lap, because that’s what “Drop-Down Menus” do.  And no doubt, I’ll be very confused as to what to order at this BlogFeast.  If I wanted my soggy, bloggy cereal, I shoulda just stayed at home.  There’s a whole lot more creative food choices to nourish a Blogger than just Alphabet Soup, you know.    Let’s have a look . . .

BLOG CONFERENCE MEAL OPTIONS

Whether You’re Famous, Famished or Already Full (of yourself!)

It will be Love At First Bite!   Write!

BREAKFAST:

Posted Eggs, Edited Over Easy.  Served with Permalink sausage with choice of (depending how your writing is going) Belgium Awfuls or Fancakes, drizzled with Blog Cabin Syrup.

OR

Quotation Quinoa Quiche with Jumbled, Crumbled, Stumbled-Upon Mumbo Jumbo.

OR

Jotted, Blotted Frittata served with a Scone Poem

Bold, Seasoned Condiment Comments by Request

 

LUNCH

All entrees (entries) accompanied with a Flaky BlogRoll & Butter and your choice of Mixed Metaphor Mesclun salad, Cliched Clam Chowder or Stat Pea Soup.

“All You Can View” Stew served in a Writer’s Block Crock pot.

   OR

Dangling Participle Pasta – – Garnished w/ Grated Gravitar Graphics

OR

Steamy, Creamy, Dreamy Porkography – – Archived Anchovies

OR

Widget Wasabi Won-Tons  & Parsnip Snippets, Turnip Tags

OR

Bloghetti & Tweetballs served over Doughy Poetry

OR

Allegory Albacorey Tuna on Spellcheck Spelt

 

DINNER

Sauteed Jumbo Shrimp Daily Prawmpts with Freshly Pressed Garlic and Cleverly Clarified Butter

OR

Tempura Templates  w/ chopped, cropped Images of Inspiration

OR

So You Think You’ve Posted the Holy Grail Lobster Tail?  And Corny Kale

  OR

Hacked Halibut w/ Plagiarized Potatoes &  Tender AsPUNagus Tips

OR

FRENCH CUISINE:  – – Blog Hop Frog Legs & Escargot Escape Buttons

OR

STARVING WRITER’S SPECIAL: Blank Screens Frank & Beans w/  Wordless Watermelon

 

AFTER YOUR MEAL

Keyword Keylime Pie

Simile Spumoni

Deleted Donuts

Ping-Back Pumpkin Pie

Published Plum Pudding

Dashboard Cheeseboard

Expressive Espresso

Italian Italicized Ice

 I better stop here because I’m afraid one of my clever readers is going to make me eat my own words! 

Disclaimer:  If someone asks me what the hell I’m doing there, I will actually be able to justify my presence.  It seems that I was selected for 1 of 25 “Voices of the Year” in the Humor category.  Now that’s a real laugh.

But if you don’t have indigestion by now and would like to read the post that got me that honor.  Click Here. 

Yes, I could very well have made this badge up on Photoshop . . . if I wasn't so computer challenged.

Yes, I could very well have made this badge up on Photoshop . . . if I wasn’t so computer challenged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

55 thoughts on “What Do Bloggers Eat at a Meet & Greet ??”

  3. Wow, how humourous you are (but you know that already after your award). I haven’t laughed so much since I spilled Daddies sauce all over myself and brother because he hadn’t put the lid back on tight.
    Looking forward to reading more of your humour, this site is amazing for meeting friendly people from all around the globe without any inhibitions. Everyone is here for the craic and with St. Paddy’s Day being just around the corner (on Friday) that’s no bad thing.
    Anyway, I just wanted to say how much I like your blog and you make me hungry but then can we all eat your words? If you write enough I suppose we could and very tasty they sound too.
    Glad I dropped by and my name is Dave and I’ll look forward to you dropping in on me sometime.

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  4. Once again I’m late to the party. But better late than never. Anyway it’s fun going into a party room after everyone left. There’s all the uneaten food and refreshments at the buffet table you can gorge on without guilt. They were going to throw it out anyway so I’m just making sure it doesn’t go to waste. (insert pun here about going to waist.)
    Anyway I enjoyed your post. Always funny and a creative take on every subject you tackle.
    I’m off to read the post that got you the award.
    I hope you have left over shrimp. 🙂

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  7. CONGRATULATIONS, Stephanie! That is such an honor, and you totally deserve it! You don’t nearly give yourself enough credit, but I’m sure you’ve heard that a ridiculous amount of times! Hey, now we know that if you get tired of the blogging biz, you can be a professional menu writer <- That is an actual occupation, right? Well, if it's not, you can be the leader in your field.
    This post was delectable and satisfying, and I'm so glad you didn't skimp on dessert! Seriously though, congratulations, and I envy the blogger who is lucky enough to be your roommate. Wow, that sounds creepy, but I'll leave it there just to prove that you're not the only socially awkward gal around. 😀

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  8. Reblogged this on lilicasplace and commented:

    Hey guys! You have to, have to, have to, drop everything and check out my friend Stephanie’s blog, Once Upon Your Prime. She goes by the name, Little Miss Menopause… 😀 She just got nominated for a blogging award (a real one!! heehee) and will be going to a big to do soon. Her blog is hysterical. She graciously allowed me to re-blog one of her insanely funny posts.

    Enjoy; when you’re done, make sure you follow her blog. She’ll have you pee-ing your pants all the time! Muah!

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  12. “Blog Hop Frog Legs & Escargot Escape Buttons” HAHA! So funny! I work online for the university I graduated from and I’m constantly communicating with students and staff. It’s definitely an odd feeling not being in that student roll anymore and have your old professors read mail you send them. Though… It still cracks me up that one of them signs his formal mailings as “Dick” =P

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  13. Ha! You are too funny. Oh gosh… I haven’t thought that far ahead, to wonder about the food. Last time I was at a fancy meal, I dropped a fork on my plate while the governor was speaking. Hopefully there won’t be any governors at BlogHer…

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    • How fun for me to find your comment here on this particular post. Congrats on your award!! Loved that piece of yours, and as I said – – it was the first of “you” that I ever read. Started the addiction! Well, you’re the only online blogger I know going to BlogHer so if I hear a fork clanging, I will look for the redhead!

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  14. I was gonna say something about making you eat your own words…but you beat me to it. So nvm. Haha.

    Congrats on the nomination! That sounds fantastic! 🙂 maybe if you bring some of these treats, it’ll be easier to break the ice w/the others. And if all else fails, sticking your head in the mini-bar whilst pondering life afterwards sounds like a good plan. Lol.

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  15. Congrats Stephanie!! I’m so excited for you… 😀 Ooh please, can I re-blog this post to my blog? It’s hysterical! Hell, they’re all hysterical, but I’m loving this menu. Eva

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    • I would be truly honored for you to reblog this, Eva. Thank you for being so enthusiastic (I love food and blogging so it seemed a good idea to combine!) and now…. What’s on the menu at your place tonight?? 😉

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  16. You deserve this award. How wonderful! Mazel Tov.

    Of course, I couldn’t make it through the whole post just because the idea of having to meet people who’ve read or might read something I’ve written makes me so anxious. So anxious. I’m so glad I’m not funny like you.

    In seriousness, I know many people who’ve had wonderful times at BlogHer — some of them definitely were introverts. I think the acting suggestion above is great — be this person on the page. Of course, now you’ve made her an introvert on the page, so maybe delete this and instead write a post about how you rock first encounters and small talk.

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  18. Now that was appetizing. You had me laughing right from the start. This is certainly a MUST read for bloggers. How would one know if they have written off more than they can chew? Certainly your menu is a great guide for that.

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  19. Congrats on your award!!!!! That’s a big deal!!!!

    You have to have meet balls to go to a meet & greet as an introvert. Do you have any acting background? Maybe impersonate someone famous? Or a bag lady? Can you attend by webcam?

    You MUST set someone up to use your hot flash line when lots of people are around. That’s brilliant!

    I love your nightly routine. How annoying! I take back my invitation for you to visit.

    I am impressed by how thoroughly written your menu is. It is leaping tall buildings with a single bound, not lame in the least. Will you let them plagiarize?

    I laugh at my husband as he pronounces poem so it sounds kinda like orange. No, kidding. “You say orange, I say…” His rhymes with slow hymn. When I say it, it sounds like phloem. Yours rhymes with scone? Are we speaking the same language? You could be eating scones topped with phloem, listening to slow hymns while reading poems.

    Your catering skills are gleaming! Do keep your day job blogging, though.

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    • A Bag lady? That’s funny! How about a Baggy/Bloggy Lady? And yes, I’ll just have someone set me up with the hot flash line and tell her she must answer to “Grace” so I’ll feel like a part of you is there, too.

      So now, I cannot come and hang out to watch Frozen (for the how many’th time?) with you?? I’ll leave the yucky face cream at home?

      Scones topped with phloem? You’re doing that taste test first, Gracie!!

      love ya,
      Steph

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      • Yes, I’ll be there rooting you on as you expand your network. You’ll be busy for the next few weeks reading up on Arianna’s blog so you can catch all of her subtle references. You never know; she might give a prize to the one who catches the most inside jokes. Or to the one who thinks best outside the box, like you.

        You can burst your bubbles, say your prayers, and do your crunches (but I must give you grief for not telling us before that you’re pregnant). I expect you to transform the marshmallow fluff into pillow fluffing. But the fridge doors must stay closed. You can take an icy shower instead. Or watch Frozen. And yes, if the face cream smells awful, let your face be naked for a change. We’d rather that you come as you are 😉

        Thank you for offering me a doggie bag. No dogs here. You can enjoy all the phloemy scones yourself.

        I must say that this might be my favorite post from you so far. Every eye is crossed and every tea is blotted. (remember blot paper?)

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  21. Miss Menopause….An honor well deserved….but you are correct for feeling funny in your underpants being with other bloggers, or writers. Most of them are a group I do not want to associate with and find them to be boorish and full of themselves. My suggestion is to go and at some point during the dinner…..stand on a table, drop your panties to project a full length color motion picture on a wall…..and when someone in the back of the room hollers “Focus !” …. kill that blogger first and then walk out with your head held high. I will then meet you at the exit door and run away to some deserted island with you.

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    • New meaning to Live Streaming? Okay, EL – – Not gonna touch this any more than that. And please you don’t either. Small kids and cute animals come here. 😉 Thanks for the compliment and escape route offer, you Wild Card, you.
      Stephanie

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  27. You were Nominated!!! Congratulations, Steph! ( I wish there was an option to use a 48 point font, bold, italic AND underscored!)
    Now, let’s see if you and I are still in sync: “Oh wait, that’s my nightly routine.”

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    • Laughing so hard – – yes, yes!! That’s why I even put “my” in italics. You’re so good at that, Maggie! Second favorite line was the Drop Down Menu that falls off the table into lap. But that may have been too obscure for anyone. But now, my new ending line is my fave. I really think it’s hysterical how you can do that, EVERY SINGLE TIME! Did you want the left or right side of our brain? You and your minerals better keep to the left!
      hugs,
      Stephanie

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      • I wanted to be a zoologist but wasn’t so great at chemistry. Psychology seemed similar, but with people 😉 but perhaps it’s simply because my week days are spent dealing with people challenges that I prefer to lead a quiet life at home. Not so say a bit of social time sometimes isn’t fun though.

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