Would You Date Casper the Ghost?


Casper the GhostWhen you’re a Ghost Writer, you often wish you hadn’t agreed to let someone else take credit for YOUR brilliant, original words.   Nothing worse than a regretful phantom.  But are people ever sorry they asked you to ghost write for them?  I think my obnoxious divorcee neighbor wishes she could take back that fateful day when she asked me to compose her online dating profile.  Listen:

Lydia: I just got my eyes and boobs done.

Me:  Done? I didn’t realize you were born with incomplete sets?

Lydia:  Very funny.  And the Doctor took some extra fat off my butt and injected it into my lips, so they’re nice and full.

Me:  Great!  Now all those men can continue to kiss your ass and never even know it.

At least you won't have to wonder where thin lips like these may have been before!

At least you won’t have to wonder where thin lips (like these) MAY have been before!

Lydia:  Never mind that.  How about using some of that clever humor of yours to help me find someone who will appreciate my anti-aging efforts?

She had a point.  I have never seen anyone so well-preserved – – except maybe a jar of strawberry jam.

That’s why I simply have no idea why Lydia rejected the witty title I composed for her Personal Ad. . .

Will you be my Charmed Princester Before I Become an Old Spinster?

Some people can be so picky.  But I changed it to something much better.

The adventure was on!  Lydia enthusiastically gave me her password to Match.com and soon I was thrust into the Online Single Dating world.  AS SOMEONE ELSE.

And lemme tell you – – with my very Dark Brunette style of writing, I was gonna make extra sure that Blondes do indeed, have more fun.

The intro line . . .

5ft 2″, Green-Eyed Monster Blonde Hears Voices, But Has Too Much SelF–ContRol to Act On Them!

And then because everyone knows that men need a good opening line to help them write interesting responses. . .

BE surE to ask me about the time I Stumbled and trippEd over my right breast.

Then the middle portion went like this . . .

EXcited to meet “The Man in the Mirror!”  I’ll certainly be your “Thriller.”  On our first date, we won’t “Stop Till You Get Enough.” I might be “Bad” in bed, but at least you won’t have to stay home alone and “Beat It.”

Yeah.  She may not be such a huge Michael Jackson fan anymore after she reads that. Maybe she’ll stop blasting “Billy Jean” at 2 am.

I’m an expert stripper and very good with my hands.  But my sanding and varnishing skills might need a little work.

Ho hum – –  my own humor was boring even to me, and the money she was shelling out ($0) for me to write this junk wasn’t worth it, so when I got sick and tired of thinking up little gems, I decided to peruse the male online profiles.  AS LYDIA.

And lo and behold, whom do I see but my ex-husband!   At first I didn’t think it was really him, because the headline didn’t proclaim, “God’s Gift To Women.”  But I’d know that stupid joke about the one-legged flamingo and roll of toilet paper anywhere.  It was definitely him. Perfect.  I quickly poked and prodded and pinched and winked until he finally sent me a real message. Aha!  I gleefully watched his status change from “Guest” to “Paying member.”  Good.  Because I was worth it.

I took this as my big opportunity to find out what he really tells people about the reason why we got divorced.

Hi Handsome! Before we get in too Deep, I’m a Firm believer in finding out why a man’s marriage failed.  Mind telling me your story?  Flirtaciously Yours,  Lydia.

I figured I had him with “Deep” and “Firm.”  His response came instantaneously.

Forget it.  You’re just as nosy as my Ex-Wife.

Hmmph – – How dare he respond so rudely to poor, innocent Lydia!

I turned my attentions back to her silly profile and decided what Lydia needed was some nice photos to attract just the right man for her.  I went onto Google Maps, entered her Home address, and found a lovely picture taken in her backyard from a helicopter.  Men just love candids.  And another taken of her smoking, so all the guys could appreciate how much determination it took for her to quit.

I'm Seeking a Non-Smoker ONLY.

I’m Seeking a Non-Smoker ONLY.

There's no grass back here for you to have to mow!

Dear Potential Mate:  There’s no grass back here for you to have to mow!

Next I decided to scope out Lydia’s competition and began methodically scanning all the women until I ran straight into one I recognized.  It was none other than my boyfriend’s sister-in-law.  The only problem was she was happily married.  To my boyfriend’s brother.  What to do?  What to do?  There was only one thing to do.  I called my boyfriend and broke the bad news to him.

Boyfriend:  Forget my sister-in-law.  You were  roaming around on a dating website because . . . ??

Me:  Oh.  That’s easy.  I was hired by my neighbor Lydia to write a profile for her.  Just call her and verify everything, Honey.

It could have been that Lydia no longer thought my humor was very funny.  Or it could have been the slightly unflattering photos of her that I put up.  But I seriously doubt it was my clever new title for her profile . . .

I’m Chlamydia Lydia – – Looking For My Penicillin Pete!

I guess I’ll never know the exact reason because Lydia refused to say.  But she vehemently denied ever asking me to write her dating profile, which left me in some awfully hot water with my boyfriend.  That’s okay though, because Lydia now has a hot message of her own, running through her profile like a Secret Coded Anagram.  Check out the Green Capital letters above.

And good luck, Lydia!  I’m gonna make like a ghost and disappear now, but your online dating life might haunt you for some time to come.

 

 

56 thoughts on “Would You Date Casper the Ghost?”

  4. So much in this post made me laugh, but the Chlamydia Lydia also brought back a favorite memory: after treating a guy for chlamydia in a clinic where I used to work, he promptly asked me out. “Call me after you finish your Doxy” is the line I’ve wished I’d thought of at the time!

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  5. Yes, how is it not illegal?! When you find the answer, please let me know. But I guess consent and compensation always make a whole universe of difference in anything. Wait, are we still talking about ghost writing? Maybe you can use those double Cs for Lydia’s profile? Hahaha!

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  6. Lol. Love it. What a great service to offer–professional dating profile author (you would need a more witty title..) Ooh future wahm career!! “Pro Dating Profile Writer-98% Success Rate! Only .25 Cents/word!! Money-back Guarantee! Act Now to Receive Free (fill in blank with irresistible offer)!! 😉

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  10. How’s this one. I am Southern Belle Kind of Lady. A little forward these days but my daddy raised a lady. Every girl’s got to have a little rebellion in her, don’t y’all know? To know me is to love me. Just ask my puppy dog Cat. He’s a bit schizophrenic but that’s only cause I give him the pills. So if you love puppy dogs and ladies with a Julia Roberts smile, well just smack down some words and email them to me. I got to tell you that I am a working girl but it’s an honest trade. I fundraise for Dildos for Jesus. It’s a healing ministry and non-profit. We have a 501c to prove it. So get with it, fella. My inbox is waiting. That’s an email inbox, y’all. Don’t get fresh.

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    • Thank you – – “Lydia” is sort of a composite of different “friends” who have asked me to write ads for them through the years. Would you believe one even requested a “seductive profile” for one of those websites where women look to cheat on their husbands? Of course I refused, but the idea for blogging on this subject has stayed with me for quite some time. I want you to know I always appreciate your visits here!
      Stephanie

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    • Thank you so much and it’s quite mutual – – we made placemats the other night and I thought of you! I even showed the mailman. And I just had fun perusing today and now guess where my soap sits? That’s right….on a sponge!! Thank you again.
      Hugs,
      Stephanie

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      • It is good to read that someone is utilising my Money Saving tips.
        I saw a cartoon last week that made me laugh. Two dogs were talking: the first one said “Are you still blogging?” The second one replied “No, I’ve given up and gone back to incessant barking”.

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  14. First, strawberry preserves.
    Second, the Michael Jackson songs.
    Heeeeelarious.
    See, when I do that with whatever movie titles are laying around (anytime we’re picking a movie to watch), my brothers get mad at me.
    Does your neighbor know you write about her??? Lolololol.

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    • ha – – you’re the only one who picked up on my fave line with the strawberry jam/preserves. Thank you! And why does it not surprise me that you do that with movie titles?! We’re so alike! So confession time – – Lydia is a composite character of many women who have asked me to help write personal ads. This was a fictional little tale, but maybe I should do that! Nah…. Thanks Bryon!
      Stephanie

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  15. Okay, your humor just relaxes my clammed nerves! This was such an awesome prank! 😉 Got the green highlights immediately. Poor lady might not even know what bit her in the butt (or is it lips?) for some time, I think. P.S. I hope your boyfriend sees the humor!

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  19. This should be a test before I invest time and effort and sweat to tell you how amusing you are.

    I’ve been doing some stripping lately, so I had to do a double-take when I read what Lydia has been up to lately. I wonder if she has any tips to share. (I did a google search to prompt me to think up a line to add, and came up with a gingerbread cookie recipe in the midst of sites for striptease artists!)

    When I saw the first weird letter, I thought you had used a smart phone that wasn’t so smart, or that WordPress was continuing to be funky. When I reached “contRol”, I thought you were being lewd, and that I was too “out there” decipher the other words.

    I must be an idiot for trying to post a comment here. I just tried at least 4 times to respond to your comment elsewhere, and it wouldn’t post, so I emailed it to you.

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    • Oh my Grace – – so sorry you are having WP troubles. I have been losing entire posts the past few weeks. It says, “Are you sure you wanna do that?” before I click “Save Draft” and it’s asked that in the past, and everything has been fine, so I go ahead and then WHAM….it’s all gone. VERY frustrating.

      You are the only one who apparently appreciated “Lydia’s” (we all know there’s no Lydia, right?) stripping talents. Gingerbread? What the?

      I had to stare at the word “contRol” a super long time before I could figure out what could possibly be crude about it!! I just love your vision.

      I will check email now. Believe it or not, I’ve been glitchy there too! oy.

      Big hugs,
      Steph

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  23. Surely anyone stupid enough to let someone else at their Match.com page deserves all they get. Just don’t expect an invite to the wedding.
    When you wrote ‘green-eyed’ monster, then started highlighting letters green I wondered why they weren’t ‘i’s. I’m pretty sure I should be blonde.

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  26. Lydia should be glad that last headline didn’t mention Penicillin Paul which just may be the case if the anagram is productive. However, is that truly accurate, as it states in the anagram? I suppose it depends on who pays for dinner. This was humorously timely. I’m sure your boyfriend is use to your crazy writing gigs by now. Another funny work of humor.

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  27. Where to start…so I saw the green highlights immediately and started trying to figure out the secret code but missed the first F which got me to thinking you were writing something about Reese’s Pieces…until I got to the ‘x’. Finally figured out and LOLed like I never LOLed before. As for trying to date your ex husband on line…LYDIA…yes, I could have seen that coming. Even in your writing, your personality is way too distinctive. It’s surprising he didn’t just say ‘You are just my nosy ex-wife!’

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