Today I got bored eavesdropping on other people and decided to tune into myself for a change. My Body, to be exact. It has a lot to say. So, won’t you join me and we can listen in together?
Left Breast: She hates us. Have you read this? It’s her “Breast-O Manifesto.” It’s only a matter of time before she tries to shrink us again with Reduction Surgery. I say we Kill her first. Wage a Preemptive Strike.
Right Breast: I’m cold and feeling a bit “nippy” right now. I’ll read it later when my goosebumps are gone.
Left Breast: But we must stay abreast of this woman’s body hatred before it’s too late! The Abdomen alleges that war was declared over bathing-suit season and the oblique muscles were nearly Crunched to death. Doing 100 a day. We can’t be stupid about it, either. If we strike aggressively with Breast Cancer, everyone will know it was us. Let’s think about using a couple of Hit Men. Literally – – A stealthy pair. But not breasts. . . a pair of Hands.
Right Breast: No, not the Hands, although God knows they have too much Time on them. Let’s keep this a female thing. I’ll speak with the Cervix and the Uterus to see what their entire region’s thoughts are about waging a “Woman problem” type of attack. If it’s done discreetly, there won’t be any eyewitnesses who can finger the Vagina in a line-up.
Eyes: Someone mention an EYEwitness? Make no mistake, we see it all. There’s no lashes aflutter here. Our gaze is piercing.
Ears: Piercing! Seriously? She shoulda listened to that mother of hers who said, “If God intended for you to wear earrings, you woulda been born with holes in your head.” Ouch!! But nobody hears anything anymore. It’s all that rap music. Hey Four Eyes, you got nothing to complain about.
Eyes: Who you calling “Four Eyes?” We look at the world thru a new lens now. It’s a Contact sport these days, E.T.
Ears: Oh yeah? Well what’s with the “E.T?” It’s Eustachian Tube to you. Just don’t go around saying “Piercing” when you don’t know what it really means. Stick to keeping your eyes peeled.
Eyes: Well I never! That’s some way to refer to the “Window of the Soul.”
Ears: LOOK whose talking! Some body organs can be so touchy.
Left Hand: Did someone say “touchy?” I didn’t want to let that one slip thru my fingers. My biggest complaint right now is that she keeps letting her 12 year old daughter do her manicures. Do you have any idea how sick of blue sparkles I am?
Elbow: Obviously the Left Hand doesn’t know what the Right Hand is doing. Look! It’s completely polish-free!
Right Hand: (sheepishly) Peeled it off. I go to a 12 step-program for that. I’m a Peeler. It’s a bad addiction.
Elbow: Aw, don’t be so hard on yourself. You just need to apply a little elbow grease. Besides, we all know who has the worst habits around here and makes your fingernails so raggedy and jaggedy. Our Biggest Offender. Just can’t stop biting and nibbling. No Siree.
Nose: Please keep it down. As you’re all aware, I have to reside just above our Biggest Offender and you took the words right outa my . . . Well, let’s not even go there. Saying her name will surely only make her ______ water even more. And then there will be more food shoveled in. And I’m not talking Food for Thought, either. So don’t bother mentioning this to The Brain. All the problems that chatty body part brings to the rest of us just sets my teeth on edge! I’d really like to put a zipper on it when she shoots her ______ off like that. And if another morsel goes in anytime soon, we’re all gonna pay through the nose. It doesn’t make any scents, I tell you! But I apologize for getting my nose outa joint over this whole issue.
Eyes: That’s right, you don’t wanna cut yourself off just to spite your face! And we shouldn’t be looking down our nose at anyone else either. Just keep yourself to the grindstone, eh?
Abdomen: But it’s true – – The nose knows! I’d rather have butterflies in me than some of the stuff that passes through those lips. I simply cannot stomach it anymore. I’m all tied up in knots. And really, do you see our Biggest Offender ever paying the price for its own actions? Doing any exercise at all? It should put it’s money where it’s _____ is. Because a moment on the lips is forever on the hips. And I speak for the Hips because they’re exhausted from the Stair Climber she made them endure just this morning.
Thighs: Oh C’mon, Little Tummy. You can’t speak for Hips. You know Hips, Butt and us Thighs operate as a complete lower body team. And quit standing up for the Nose. You don’t have a leg to stand on where this issue is concerned. Nobody pays thru the nose. It’s the limbs who pay. It costs us an arm and a leg when she goes on one of her fitness kicks. We thought we’d fully recovered once Suzanne Somers retired that crazy contraption from infomercials. But nooooo, then she had to go and take up jogging. There’s no relaxing now. Jeeze, we can’t even get our “foot in the door” at Massage Envy.
Nose: Wow, you sure put your foot in your MOUTH with that little speech. OMG. I said it. I just slipped. I said that body part . . . I’m so sorry.
MOUTH: That’s right, Nose. Someone sure has a big MOUTH around here. And I’ve heard everything now.
Elbows: Well, shut my Mouth. As I live and breathe, you took a break from the chewing. And the spewing.
MOUTH: What’d I ever do to you? You’re perfectly slender. There are no exercises for an elbow to do. And it’s not like I’m spewing bad nicknames at you – – like Muffin Top or Thunder Thighs. Why you’re practically her favorite body part.
Elbow: Listen to this. As if butter wouldn’t melt in your _____. Quit foaming at the ______, Oh, forget this. I’m gonna go rub Elbows with the Knees.
MOUTH: Alright, alright everyone. Right now, it may look as though I’m the culprit. But I’m no Motor Mouth. I speak in turn. It’s true I might be a Smart Mouth, but at least I wasn’t born with a Silver Spoon. I don’t talk out of both my sides. But nothing leaves a bad taste in me more than being talked about behind my Back.
Back: Don’t even start, you spineless wimp. Just Back off.
MOUTH: Alright, alright. I know when my back is against the wall. It’s true. I DO wreak havoc on y’all. Sometimes I say things I don’t mean. I can’t take them back. Then I eat to numb the pain. But it’s not like when we were younger. Nobody’s washing me out with soap anymore. Nobody’s fixing my meals and monitoring my Sweets. I’m on my own. It’s a lot of Lip Service, I tell you. Not to mention when tragedy befalls us all, I’m the one tries to keep a stiff upper lip.
Feet: That’s a whole lotta tongue-in-cheek. You don’t have to just grin and bear it. It’s not your fault, Mouth – – so don’t get cold feet.
Back: Think on your feet, Man. We’re trying to get Mouth to wipe that smile off her face. And own up to things.
Feet: Look, Mouth is just a mouthpiece. I don’t mean to be punny, but it’s our
Sole Soul that’s got some issues that are more than just skin deep. Yet for now, she manages to stand on her own two feet, keeps her feet planted firmly on the ground, and last I looked, she’s not six feet under and doesn’t have one foot in the grave either. So just give her a break. She’s just eating. And speaking. If the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn’t we all just want to put our best foot forward? I’m just sayin’.
Brains: Honestly I’ve racked myself for days now. And I know Soul has done a lot of deep searching as well. But until we join forces together for an entire Mind, Body, Soul connection, we’re never going to be anybody.
All Together: We don’t want to be just Any Body. We want to be Somebody. Somebody special.
Neck: Then why don’t we stop focusing on ourselves and start Sticking our Neck out for others?
And that’s when I really began to listen more intently – – because I knew that at last . . . the right questions were finally getting asked.
Sorry, the rest of the conversation is kinda private – – After all, in the end – – we all must answer only to ourselves.