Should You “Toy” With an Older Woman?


photo-139Disclaimer:  Occasionally I remember why I call myself “Little Miss Menopause” and do a post related to the topic.
There are board games meant for almost all phases of life – – from Childhood to the Thirty Something Crowd.  But why should a certain gender/age group be left out with nothing but “Old Maid” to entertain them?  Here are some newly revamped fun nights around the kitchen table for the 40 to 60 year-old female demographic.  And men, don’t stop reading here – – you may need to know the rules of the game(s)  if you expect to “play.”
MENOPAUSEOPOLY – – The classic game of monopolizing stuff from your opponents as you wearily drag your little pewter token – – a miniature fan, a Naturalizer high heel shoe, haircoloring kit, Prozac pill, a syringe of Botox, an iron and a thimble (see, I told you it would be classic, therefore still Chauvinistic!) around the board attempting to purchase back the properties of your Mind, Body & Spirit that you once possessed control over. Memory Lane, Sexual Drive, Brain Cell Way, Stability Street, Metabolism Court and Smooth Skin Avenue are just some spots you can land on. The Utilities are represented by Energy & Pep and Hydration. Or take a ride on the Wispy Waist-Line Railroad. But if you land on the unmade bed you must go directly to Never Satisfied Husband, do not Pass the Doctor and do not collect your 200 mg prescription for testosterone.
CHEST – – This is a game of the utmost strategy and wits, wherein you move your Queen many various bra sizes around a black and white checkerboard until you capture your current correct cup size which will vary depending on if you just ate a grain of salt or are up ½ a lb. But breast assured, once you do this, you can confidently say,  “Chestmate!”
HOOTS ON LADDERS – – Best if played directly after a good, satisfying game of “Chest.” The object is to walk by a construction crew and if you can still get any man at all, (even the male parrot on the drywall contractor’s shoulder) to wolf-whistle after giving you the once-over, you win! Batteries sold separately.
I APOLOGIZE – – It’s “Sorry” redone with an Anger Management theme. Simplistic little game with easy to follow rules, 1. I yell or throw my estrogen cream at you. 2. I try to atone while making flimsy hormonal excuses. 3. You forgive me. 4. I do it all over again on the next roll of the dice. Once I grovel enough, I graduate to the brand new 12 step game, “I Surrender” which culminates at the finish line where I sheepishly admit that even my Higher Power has no control over my temper during menopause.
AFFLICTIONARY – – Be the first to draw what ails you and let your partner guess before the timer runs out. You’ll sketch a body with sweat pouring out of it and they’ll guess “a bee sting.” You’ll doodle a giant stomach with lots of excess skin and they’ll guess “fallen arches.” At this point you’ll need a new partner. Makes a great party game until you draw your biggest affliction ever…a realistic picture of all the guests attending who have gotten on your last nerve. They guess correctly. And the Party’s over!  Nite, nite!
THOUGHTZZZZZZEE– – Who needs “Yahtzee” when you can noisily rattle 6 dice in a little jar, simultaneously giving yourself a migraine, just to eventually spill them out on the table to formulate thoughts that are so fleeting in your own head, you usually can’t remember them in time to vocalize, write or act them out. But be sure to scream out “Thoughtzee!!” at the top of your lungs so other players will run out of Tylenol and need to borrow yours. Comes with Tylenol PM bonus bottles so you can put the ZZZZZZ part of the game into your sleep.

 

GET A CLUE! – – Oh that Miss Scarlet – – she’s still sexy and hot, especially with this new Night Sweat edition. But watch out Professor Plum and all other male players – – She’ll conspire with her Gal Pals and then the crime will be “a lethal male bashing with Mrs. White, Mrs. Peacock in the Ballroom with The Mouth” – – the deadliest weapon of all.

Miss Scarlet Nowadays?? Oh No! Looks like my Mother got to Miss Scarlet and chopped her hair off. Because she thinks "Women over 40 must have short hair." What do you think??

Miss Scarlet Nowadays?? Oh No! Looks like my Mother got to Miss Scarlet and chopped her hair off. Because she thinks “Women over 40 must have short hair.” What do you think??

TRIVIAL DISPUTE – – It’s the game of Life…in other words who argues it better? The never-ending quest to always be right is the central theme of this fast-paced question and answer card game played in teams. Remind other players (your children) that you could’ve gone to law school if you hadn’t gotten married and devoted your life completely to raising a family. Fight with them over your borrowing skirts from your teenager’s closet. How else are you supposed to look younger? And that if they told you they were staying late after school but you forgot, it’s still their fault for not reminding you. Always remember to play The Guilt Card (find it at the bottom of the deck) and also you have one free, “Because I said so” pass to be used anytime you appear to be losing. Good luck!

TRAGIC 8 BALL – – The Magic 8 ball just as you remember it, but this time you will receive prophetic answers to all your earth-shattering calamities. Go ahead and ask questions like, “Am I destined to have a muffin top in all my jeans or just the Skinny Jeans?” and “Am I wrong for wanting men to suffer through every single one of these 34 symptoms too?” and of course, “Didn’t Heather Locklear look majorly photo-shopped on the cover of this week’s People magazine?” The answers of course will always be “Reply Hazy, try again” because the “Tragic 8 Ball” is now a fifty year old toy and therefore also going through menopause, with brain-fog of its own.

Now, I’ll race ya to the nearest Toys R Us, where thankfully they still have the plain and simple “RandyLand”   Candyland, with no age limit to the fun it brings!

 

Have a favorite childhood game?  How would you give it a makeover for your generation?

 

84 thoughts on “Should You “Toy” With an Older Woman?”

  2. Randyland!!!
    Lots of fun here!
    I do have to say though, for every Man that commented about Temperature Wars, I’d like to suggest: Will it or Won’t It (rise, that is).

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  3. Extremely funny. You sure picked some of the classics although you may want to have a drug free version of some of these. Very funny. There are so many great games. I’m thinking that with Menopause and emotional swings the new game of Twisted would be fun it comes complete with duct tape, rope and an initial supply of alibis. Although, thinking of the to do list you create for your opponent complete with small props of things around the house that need some attention such as loose door handle, laundry and the like. This game could keep you busy for days – – – House Trap. Another classic for both men and women would be RISK!!! How to successful talk to your wonderful wife without having her capture the flag and strangle you with it.
    Although, you wrote these in jest you may be on to some interesting new games. Keep Smiling.

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  5. OMG I couldn’t even get through 3 of these without cracking up and actually wishing they were real. I mean if someone can come out with Ghetto-opoly (it sucked because you repeatedly got sent to jail for pimpin’ your hos on the wrong corner) you can make any number of these a reality! Kickstarter, Baby!
    Oh, and what’s the one where you’re a forty-something woman whose slightly older friends compete to traumatize her with the most nightmarish menopausal symptoms ever? That’s what I’m immersed in currently… :/ I don’t think I’m winning… LOL

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  6. 🙂 🙂 🙂 think of these as laughing out loud mouths, Stephanie! on A serious note, why shouldn’t there be games for the over 40 female crowd that are fun, bold, sexy, and all that? I say you start your own line- you’ve got the creativity and humor to do it. I’d buy for sure!

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  7. Very funny games. I think I want to play with you if I can bring menopause Barbie and menopause Barbie game where she outs Ken and has an affair with Poindexter and gets rid of that Malibu beach house and buys a one level ranch!

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  8. OMG…had to LOL, LMFAO and read through 56 thoughts first. Your Pavlov’s Blogs put that bug in my ear. I’ll never be able to play a bored, uh, board game again without being reminded of you. So, how about “52 Pick-Up” – for 52 years of age and up – ideally played in bars and at construction sites. Best results after a game or two of OPERATION.

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  10. Marvellous!
    Could I have a little bag to schlep along ALL of the tokens in Menopauseopoly? I’d only ever need to use ONE token, but would prefer to take them ALL with me, just in case.
    I’m always happy to play the Guilt card though. Trivial Disputes would definitely be the best game ever.

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  12. I thought Menopauseopoly was going to involve collecting cash and property during a divorce…

    And you forgot the classic game Bedbugs. For your age group, that game might require you to pick up where the nursing home janitorial staff left off.

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    • Ew! Are you too young to remember Cootie in which you built these critters with bug parts? Well since I like you, (and you’re too clever with comebacks) I’m gonna let the last remark slide (down the Chutes) but let’s see if some other reader will walk into your (Mouse)trap, which was my fave game of all btw, and engage you with their own Mastermind.

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  15. OH MY! I am laughing out loud. The whole office is coming into to my office to see what’s so dang funny. Unfortunately none of them are over 35, so they just don’t have a clue. This has got to be your funniest post yet.

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  17. Babble Ship. Where you and your spouse (or lover/ex/estranged children/relentless relatives/long lost friends) can babble to the death. Missiles included. Bazookas sold separately.

    Stephanie, I’ve nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award at http://pixiedustbeach.wordpress.com/
    You’ve probably been nominated before. But I wanted you to be on my list because I read you religiously and think you are super clever. Thank you for making me laugh a lot (LAL).

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  18. I think you ought to send these suggestions to Milton Bradley and Parker Brothers. You have some real winners here. I have several suggestions to add:

    HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY GLASSES. It’s like Where’s Waldo, only you;re trying to find your glasses.
    I SPOIL THE GRANDKIDS, THEN YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM HOME. You see how fast you can completely ruin the grandkids, then see how fast you can get them out of the house. Oh and there should be an internet version of this, so you can compete internationally.
    HAVE I GOT A PILL FOR YOU. You sit around a table and play cards. While you do that, you tell everybody your latest ache or pain.
    I AM GOING TO THE OLD FOLKS SOON. You get to design your very own nursing home.
    And a follow up to Has Anybody Seen My Glasses will be HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY TEETH.

    Instead of selling these ideas to Milton Bradley or Parker Brothers, maybe we can start our own game company. We could call it Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Inc.

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  22. OMG. This is your funniest post EVER! I love these. Do think you forgot MayDay (PayDay) where you just try and get through the month and yell for help (Mayday!) wondering what the heck is happening to your body and mind….but other than that omission….you got them all! 🙂

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  26. I want to take a ride on the Wispy Waist-Line Railway. Seriously. I think I miss having a real waist more than anything else. I regret taking it for granted all those years. Please come back!!!!

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  29. This is a giggle fest – I thought MENOPAUSEOPOLY rolls trippingly off the tongue, don’t you? Loved the dry throw-away line, “batteries sold separately.”

    Funny, I was just wondering the other day if I should get an old lady hair cut. Mine falls to the shoulders and apart from a year or two, always has.

    OK, let’s see… revamped games… How about Crazy Hates? Or Crazy Ates. You pick.

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  30. This is a giggle fest – I thought MENOPAUSEOPOLY rolls trippingly off the tongue, don’t you? Loved the dry throw-away line, “batteries sold separately.”

    Funny, I was just wondering the other day if I should get an old lady hair cut. Mine falls to the shoulders and apart from a year or two, always has.

    OK, let’s – revamped games… How about Crazy Hates? Or Crazy Ates. You pick.

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  31. I think I would hide under my bed all day on fear of estrogen cream was a real thing that could potentially be thrown at me.

    Also: RandyLand. This sounds like it’d have to be played online only, perhaps one handed. I’m stopping there.

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  32. Funny again! Don’t forget the game for the husbands “Risky”.
    Lot’s of opportunities for the man to make a wrong move and lose. The big challenge..try to touch the thermostat and either raise or lower the temperature in the house without being caught and punished!
    I do like your posts.

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