I’ll Have the Menopasta w/ a Side of Heatballs, please!

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Warning:  Male Diners:  Do Not patronize this 1 * starlet establishment!  And male readers?  Scroll to the next Football article.

In this day and age, (especially at my age!) with the influx of baby boomer women reaching their mid-life years, it’s about time someone finally got smart and opened a restaurant specializing in issues exclusive to menopausal females. Women come to these establishments for a little R & R, hence their name — “Rest-or-Rants!”

I invite you to accompany me during tonight’s dining experience, complete from droopy butts  soup-to-nuts.

As I stroll inside, I immediately detect the light strains of Carly Simon crooning in the background, “I haven’t got time for the pain…” (so far so good!) followed by a cheery greeting from the “Hostess with the Mostest…” wrinkles, that is. But how refreshing to be seated by a Menopausal Mama instead of the usual “Stunning, Spanxless, Skinny-Jeaned, Stiletto-Heeled, Sexy Siren named Savannah.”

“Hello! I’m Esther Jen!” her hostess’ badge proclaims. I later find that customers too, don these cute name tags, saving us from resorting to clever word-association tricks to recall our table mate’s names.  Like this one:  “Okay, she chatters like a Magpie bird, so remember her name is Maggie. Wait, maybe it’s Robin? Or Raven? How about Sapsucker?”

Next order of business — decide whether I prefer to sit in the “Fanning or Non-Fanning” section. I won’t tell you which one I choose, because it will be apparent as Esther Jen (say that 5 times fast) leads me to my table. All around, women in various stages of sweating, swooning, swelling, swearing and swallowing (pills) — complain to their male servers (not waiters, women our age hate to wait!) in irritated tones, while their husbands catch a break, reading Victoria Secret catalogues at home.

THOUGHTFUL TOUCHES INCLUDE:

• Napkins folded/creased like makeshift fans.

• Medicine droppers and syringes in place of silverware.

• Placemats have guided meditations printed on them.

• Plates perched on pillows for unexpected naps.

• Water glasses refilled constantly with Icy Stares from servers.

Since this is an upscale Rest-or-Rant, a well-dressed woman walks around with a basket of Ice for the gentleman to purchase for his lady. Choice of Cubed, Chipped, or Shaved. For the discerning woman, room temperature ice is available upon request.

Esther places the menu before me with a conspicuous placard stating it will be left during the entire meal for use as a fan. I notice it also has a magnifying glass attached by a ribbon for reading.

SPECIAL OF THE DAY:

Wilted Insomnia on a bed of Lettuce (lettuce sleep please!) tossed (and turned) with Mean Goddess dressing.

Black Cohash Succatash Squash gently sautéed in Evening Primrose Oil.

Chicken Tender Breasts battered with Lose Your Temper Tempura

Hot (Flash) Sundae.

MAIN ENTREES & SIDE DISHES: Past-Your-Prime Rib, Alaskan King Cramps, Forgetful Farfalle, Beef Swellington, SlamDoory Chicken deep-fried with a vengeance, Arugula Adrenala, Nip N’ Tuck Duck with caramelized Cortisol, Taming of the Shrew Stew with hot-flashed, rehashed browns, Fetchabikini Afraido paired with Beach Wobbler for dessert, Chicken Cancha FriggenSee? Accompanied by Shredded Wits with Toasted Testosterone, and I’ma Crack Pot Roast served w/ Half-Baked potato with sex-drives chives.

BEVERAGES: Iced Tea, Iced Coffee, Iced Milk, Iced Diet Pepsi (or Irregular Pepsi) and of course, Iced Ice. Dr. Pepper is available by appointment only.

DESSERTS: (Forget gluten free, these are Glutton free) Muffin Tops, Pumpkin Praline Progesterone Pie, Part-Gray Parfait with Melatonin Mints, TearsofMissYou Tiramisu (the self-pity dessert)

I-SCREAM FLAVORS: Rocky Road, Cookies & Cramps, Schitzopolitan
Whine List: Chabliss, Chagrin, Chabloat, Crabbyday SaveYourYawn, and a White Sinfandel or Merlobido that will make you Blush.

As I decide what I’d like to eat, a fellow diner is chewing far too loudly so I tell him he reminds my of my ex-husband. He pokes me hard and I startle awake with typical nightsweat irritation before I am able to slap him back. Yes it’s all been just a wild dream, which is disappointing because I was hoping to somehow order what Meg Ryan was having.

 

 

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Meet Your New Slangologist!

photo-41Why does the X & Y generation get to have all the new, fun slanguage?  They get to say “Totes” and “Probs” and “Adorbs.” But how original is that? Because of their lazy tongues, they shorten or abbreviate a word and then it hits it big time and catches on with the masses.  I can do better than that.  Here, I present some new Words For US and OUR time.  We know who we are!  Please help “spread the word!”

Little Miss Menopause’s Shabang Slang for The Older Gang!

Bodyostasis – – n.  Those rare, fleeting moments when nothing hurts or feels out of whack.

Mattressable – – adj.  A term used for a woman who is easy to sleep with. Not that kind of sleep. Actual shut-eye.  “Cynthia didn’t throw the covers off and on according to her body temperature fluctuation, nor admonish him for breathing, blinking, snoring and she even let him cuddle with her once, therefore Steve deemed her highly Mattressable.”

Menopausability – – n.  You skipped your period! Could a 50 year old be pregnant?  It’s a distinct “menopauseability” since you occasionally still ovulate, but more than likely you’re just starting the change of life.  Relax!  You’ll soon be pushing a walker, not a stroller.

Menobump – – n. Related to above.  Friends will look at your midsection and wonder, “Is she or isn’t she?”  But woe to the man who actually ventures forward and says, “Congratulations!”

Babyboomerbitterbutterbetter — adj.  A feeling of betrayal during all those years you switched to margarine and thought you were eating healthier, only to find out it was actually harming you. Damn the partially hydrogenated process.

Eggoangst — n. Similar sensation to above.  When you hear that eggs have been given a bad rap for years, you mourn the missed omelette opportunities in your 20-30’s.

Cancermonopoly — n. The final conclusion that it doesn’t matter what you eat, there will always be an article saying it’s bad for you. People who fit in this category are fond of saying, “You only live once and I’d rather die young and happy.”

Afeeliate — v. The strong desire to affiliate with other women who feel the same symptoms of aging that you do.  Closely tied to illfeeliate  “Linda wants to illfeeliate herself with other women who feel like shit because misery loves company.”

Repeat-o-mind — n. A brain that fools you into thinking you can still do something just like you used to.  “Rebecca suffered a repeat-o-mind which caused her to go horseback riding with her young adult children.” Ps. Rebecca’s uterus will never forgive her.

Wondertainment — n. When a title of a movie sounds so familiar that you wonder if you’ve seen it before??  “45 minutes into the movie, Trudy realized Titanic was wondertainment.”  Not to be confused with . . .

Onertainment!— n.  An enviable state for people who want to simplify life.  The ability to own just one book, one DVD or CD because each time you hear, read, or watch it, it’s like the first time, brand new and enthralling!

Candleaccountability – – adj.  The crucial earlier moment in the kitchen, when the Cakewalker (one who walks the sheet cake into a crowd while leading off the “Happy Birthday” song) decided that each single candle can represent an entire decade.

This cake simply has no Acandleability!

This cake simply has no Acandleability!

Flipoverbreath — v.  When you insist your husband turn over and face away from you in bed because his exhalations are hotter than a dragon’s.  Calling him “Lava breath” will never earn you the title of “Mattressable” either.

Roomrecall — n.  That magical moment when you remember why you walked into the den in the first place.

Haditallalong — adj.   The realization you get after you ask someone if they’ve seen your glasses and you’re already wearing them or your cell phone which you’re currently talking on.

Namegameblameshame — n.  A syndrome during which you call your adult child by all their sibling’s names first, and even a few names you almost gave them when you were pregnant. Their actual name does come to mind however, by the time they humiliate you by saying, “Hi! I’m Mitchell, your firstborn.  Nice to meet you.”

Agexaggerate — v. Purposely telling someone you’re ten years older than you actually are so you can hear back, “Wow, you look great for 64!”

Doctorson — n.  A physician so young, you could be his mother.

DaughterDr — n.  Girl version of above.

Battersneaker – – n.  One who engages in the act of promising a child they can lick the bowl, but then pretends they forgot and accidentally washed it.

ItemOrigination — n.  Going into a grocery store and buying everything except what you came for in the first place.

Actnesia – – n.  The loss of a skill you were particularly proud of in which you could watch a movie and identify all co-stars by first and last name, cite who they are related to, and give at least two other examples of films your partner has seen them in before.  “Bill keeps very quiet on movie date nights since his recent bout with Actnesia.”

Glutendisputin — prop n.  One who maintains the entire gluten-free industry was thought up by a guy who hated that his mother put whole wheat sandwiches in his lunchbox when other kids got Wonder loaf bread.

Inventionintention n. — Knowing you thought of a clever new product first but were too lazy to do anything about it.  Claims can date back to electricity.

Holipressure — v.  The influence other neighbors can exert on someone who is too old or fatigued to put up X-mas lights or other exterior decorations.  Closely connected to a Reluctoweener — someone who really doesn’t want to dress up for a Halloween party so they just carry a trivial prop. i.e. “Dave asserted he was wearing a Plumber costume because he carried a toilet plunger.”  (In reality though, Dave just had a fear of clogging public toilets.)

Trendependafriend — prop. n. — someone you’ve known for years who makes it her business to ensure you stay up-to-date with the latest fads.  She’s the one who shamed you onto Instagram.  Or she will forward you this list!

Slangshorterm — v.  The tendency to forget all these new and clever slang words the moment you read the next post, thereby reducing the chance they will ever catch on to an older generation who desperately needs new terminology to describe that which there are simply no words for!

If you like this kind of murky, quirky, smirky humor, please check me out (most grateful if you would leave me a comment there!) on Huffington Post today! 

When Did I Ever Tell Disney Studios to “Be My Guest??” (I’m suing Walt!)

photo-422Wait till you see what’s been stolen from me to make scores of Disney hit movies!  Have you heard about author Isabella Tanikumi, who is taking Disney Studios to court for allegedly ripping off her books, which were based on her real life story, to make the movie Frozen?  If she doesn’t ‘let it go,’ she stands to make a lot of money.  But I’m sure the judge will agree that I am the larger injured party here. After my lawsuit(s) it’s only a matter of time before I’m singing “When You Wish Upon a Star,” bathing in my own millions!

SLEEPING BEAUTY:  It’s shocking how much Disney plagiarized my childhood events for this animated feature — Where do I even start?   At the beginning, of course.  First of all, just like Maleficent, I was shunned from my own Baby Christening. (Religious differences were cited.) Along those same lines, identical to Aurora, I was also born Royalty (according to my father) — a Jewish American Princess.  Then ironically, at age 16, in the middle of sewing my own gym bag in Home Economics class, (we should still make this mandatory, btw) I was also poked by a needle.  Now mind you, there are no witnesses. I couldn’t very well shout out, “Who just saw me Prick myself?” because I would have been sent to the principal for profane language.  But from that day forward, my mother could never awaken me to get to school on time.

CINDERELLA:  There can be no doubt of copycatting here.   But how Walt managed to spy on me in shoe stores, I’ll never know! It was my sheer amount of shoving, jamming and forcing my pregnant, swollen feet inside that last pair of silver stilettos in a Size 6 narrow, (during Nordstrom’s half-yearly sale) that was obviously duplicated for his stepsister’s dramatic scenes.  The fact that I was only raised with a brother or that I’m deathly phobic of mice need never come up in the lawsuit.  And perhaps I haven’t cleaned out our fireplace lately, but I can attest to scrubbing many a bathroom fixture. Nicknaming me “SToilet” instead of Stephanie would not be too far-fetched.

WRECK-IT RALPH:  Here I can only go after Disney for taking the title of this recent film directly from tapping my phone.  Ralph is the name of my Allstate auto insurance rep.  Three times during the same year this movie was made, I had to call and report a claim with my Mazda, lowering my voice to a shameful whisper the third time when I confessed, “I Wrecked it, Ralph.”

FINDING NEMO:  I might be persuaded to drop these allegations since it’s a bit of a leap.  However I want it on record that I’ve always lost my notes (for my blogs) and other scraps of papers I scrawled groceries on to buy at the market.  Therefore, I thought up a clever name for a contraption I invented that locates your “To Do” list around the house with an annoying buzzing sound. “Finding Memo!”

PARENT TRAP:  Alright, here my case is completely airtight.  I have twin boys and my one scaredy cat son once bribed his courageous lookalike brother to go to the pediatrician to get an extra flu shot for him.  When his Dad and I discovered the switcheroo, we didn’t reconcile our marriage, but we did have an hour long phone conversation where we both (miraculously!) agreed that the boys should lose dessert for a week and get different haircuts.

TANGLED:  Just look at this picture of my hair.

The original TANGLED, 80's style.

The original TANGLED, 80’s style.

Can there be any argument what the movie is based on??  Plus when I tell a white lie, my mother always recites, “Oh what a Tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.”  Thanks Ma, I’ll split the settlement with you on this one.

FREAKY FRIDAY:  Disney must have a thing with the “Swapping People” bit (see Parent Trap above) but I definitely explored this theme first.  Witness the following multiple dialogues between me and my daughter.

Daughter: You can’t keep saying, “Cuz I said so!”

Me: Yes, I can.  And when you’re the mother, you can say it too.

or

Daughter: All the other mothers are letting their daughters go to the dance.

Me:  I’m not all the other mothers.

Daughter:  Well I wish you were!

or

Daughter:  It’s so unfair!  You have no clue what life as a teenager is like nowadays. It’s not like when you were in school and your biggest stress was pricking your finger with a needle in Home Ec class!

Me:  Try shoe shopping with big feet, scrubbing toilets, taking your twin brothers to the pediatrician for vaccinations, talking with car insurance companies, never being able to find my memos for my blogs, having a hairdo so tangled that it resembles a rat’s nest, and dealing with a smart-mouthed teen like you, Young Lady!

“Ya got that, Walt?  Freaky Friday was born when my sassy daughter was!”

And tonight if I see any Disney producers or writers loitering around my dinner table, it’s . . .

“OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”

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I’ll see you in Court, Mickey!

Meanwhile, please see my latest laughter featured on Huffington Post about men I would NEVER date.

 

 

 

The Haunted House of Hormone Hell!

Enter at your own

Enter at your own risk!

In honor of October and upcoming Halloween, here’s a scary thought – – I have a teenage daughter.  PUBERTY.  That coexisting with MENOPAUSE is all I need say for you to envision the daily terror in my household.

When we mess up, we blame our own personal hormones. And when we’re angry, we get to scream and curse at each other’s hormones. I never realized how much hormones took their toll until a note sent from my 9-year-old son’s teacher read, “Desmond says he can’t finish homework because there’s too many “Hoarse-Moans” in his house?” Sounds like a good name if we formed a band, right?  Or we could simply have a decal on our drum ala “Josie & the Pussy Cats.”  Ours would say, “The Harmonious Hormone Hussies.”

Having a daughter’s puberty coinciding with your Menopause is bad enough, but with more of us putting off childbirth for careers, the collision of Mothering babies and toddlers with Menopause is as deafening as a train wreck. And not nearly as pretty. I call this category of women:

“The Stressed Breed Who Breast-Feed”

Is this mother Angry at her teen daughter or embarrassed she cannot remember her name?

Is this mother Angry at her teen daughter or just embarrassed she cannot remember her name?

So here’s some tips on how menopause and motherhood can actually work together in tandem, doing Double Duty in your life. But before you read on, make sure when greeting those darling Trick-or-Treaters, you hide your broomstick. Trust me, we’re frightening enough just as we are!

1.  Simultaneously read your child a book as you fan yourself with it.

2.  Snatch frozen teething rings from your baby’s mouth to wear as bracelets on the pulse points of your wrists during hot flashes.

3.  Rocking chairs and lullabies sooth temper tantrums…Yours!

4.  Two hot guys come into your family room every morning, never noticing your weight gain or gray hairs. Ernie & Burt! They’ll even serenade you their new song, “M is for Muffin Top.”

5.  Skip the park – – kids have more fun getting pushed around by your mood swings.

6.  Substitute Gerber’s jarred vanilla custard for cream in coffee.  Pureed peaches lighten facial hair, while diaper rash ointment will vanish cellulite.  Maybe that’s reversed?  Experiment!

7.  You now have something in common with your teens. They want to acquire your car to Drive and you want to acquire their Sex Drive.

8.  Empty containers of Nutella and Duncan Hines Butter Cream frosting make great sand toys. Empty containers of sardines or brussel sprouts – not so much.

9.  Earn brownie points and favors from husband when camouflaging your unshakable insomnia as “diligent motherly concern” by staying up till 2 am for daughter on prom night.

10.  Your mind is set free from all the clutter.  Relax in the evening as Brain Fog helps you blissfully unwind and forget how to help with 7th grade algebra homework. And who can remember that tomorrow you’re supposed to serve on jury duty followed by carpooling and dry-cleaning pick-up? Best of all, you’ll never recollect that this afternoon little Timmy broke the crystal vase your husband gave you for your anniversary. What vase? Do you even have a husband?? Ahh, life is good.

11.  Having both dependent young kids AND needy elderly parents, you can march into the nearest Subway restaurant demanding that oh so clever “Sandwich Generation” discount!

12.  At your kid’s school, create fundraisers for a new PTA — “Progesterone,Testosterone Activation.” Or start a Neighborhood Watch program where nearby households report all hormonally crazed mothers suspiciously roaming the streets.

13.  Your kids absolutely cannot accompany you on “Serenity Retreats” because they’re the ones you are retreating from!

14.  Keep plenty of oxygen masks around the house and always secure yours first before assisting younger children. If you don’t have real oxygen masks, teach your kids to recite this important airline metaphor like the Pledge of Allegiance.

15.  Head for a support group where they serve lots of wine and socialize with other menopausal moms who wander their own “Hall of Hormone Hell,” only to realize their “hall” is literally littered with Hot Wheels, Barbies, and Legos.  Watch those bare (wrinkled) feet!

You can't egg my house just cuz I ran out of candy.  Haven't you heard of binge-eating disorder???

You can’t egg my house just cuz I ran out of Snickers bars. Haven’t you heard of binge-eating disorder???

Betcha Can’t Read Just One! (Mmm, Mmm Good!)

Brand Allegiance!

Brand Allegiance!

I think I missed my calling to be in the Marketing field because I’m always thinking up slogans and jingles.  I also feel sorry for Generic store brands because they don’t have any colorful packaging or catchy tag lines.  They’re like the Ugly Ducklings of the supermarket shelves. But I can help these underdog products shine by giving them an edge with a few well placed words.  For instance, Let’s take a plain “No Name” brownie mix. Just slap a label on the package that says . . .

“Now with extra Batter!”  Your batch will bake up thicker . . .  even though you’re a licker!”

Okay so maybe not so much that particular example, (you knew I meant the spoon, right?) but give me a break – – I’ve not had any formal training in this field.

Lemme try another.  How about for a Cab Company.

“Our Drivers Are Always Nearby. We Don’t Condone Taxi Evasion!”

Yep, pure gold.  I think I’m ready to branch out into the actual world now with a little job portfolio:

Little Miss Menopause’s Advertising Promos For Real Life Situations

 

DOG TAG

“If you’re reading this, it means I’m lost.

Maybe there’s a street I shouldn’t have crossed.

But the worst is over ‘cuz now I’ve been found. . .

And you’ve saved me from ending up in the Pound.

So pick up the phone and give my owner a holler

And tell them you read about it here on my collar!”

Would a jingle fit on here?

Would a jingle fit on here?

 

What is this, some G Rated job?  I think I can have some sexier promotional campaigns than that!

 

MALE’S TEE-SHIRT IN BAR

Hey ladies, look my way so I’ll flash you a wink,

I can do so much more than buy you a drink.

I can talk to you and complement and flatter,

But lemme take you home and prove size really does matter!guy tee shirt

GYNECOLOGIST’S SPECULUM

I ‘m cold & metal but actually quite gentle,

Any pain you feel is purely accidental.

If I touch you “down there,” don’t give me a slap,

Just checking that you haven’t been given the Clap.

You might say I’m important and quite ‘instrumental,’

Your doctor owns me outright, I’m not just a rental.

I’ll never be replaced with a cellphone or an App…

Rest assured, I’m the only way to get your Yearly Pap!

I could not bring myself to show an actual speculum.

I could not bring myself to show an actual speculum.

 

So much for sexy.  I think I better go tame again.

 

OUR COUNTRY’S NEW LEADER

I’ll take an oath the day that I become President,

Swear to protect and serve and never be negligent.

You won’t find me surrounded by trauma or drama

Like the guy in the White House now, Barack Obama.

So pick me when you vote in our upcoming election.

P.S.  I could also promise to outlaw Ebola infection!

 

And finally a little advertising buzz to honor the reason we’re all here.

 

 

A WORDPRESS BLOG

Do you have some feelings you wanna express?

Or a bunch of friends you wanna impress?

Pick a theme and make your personal gravatar

Reach for the brass ring, or just grab a star.

You pick your domain name – – we’ll be your Free Host

Say what you wanna say and that’ll be your first post.

But if you ever run dry, don’t write these kinds of silly advertising campaigns

Do that to your followers and watch how quickly he or she complains!

And instead of ever becoming Freshly Pressed . . .

We’ll make sure you get Especially Suppressed!

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That’s right, don’t worry . . I’m not giving up my day job any time soon.

Little Miss Menopause:  Don’t leave home without her.  Please Leave Her At Home!

Would love for you to visit my latest humor on the Huffington Post Comedy Section today.