The Haunted House of Hormone Hell!


Enter at your own

Enter at your own risk!

In honor of October and upcoming Halloween, here’s a scary thought – – I have a teenage daughter.  PUBERTY.  That coexisting with MENOPAUSE is all I need say for you to envision the daily terror in my household.

When we mess up, we blame our own personal hormones. And when we’re angry, we get to scream and curse at each other’s hormones. I never realized how much hormones took their toll until a note sent from my 9-year-old son’s teacher read, “Desmond says he can’t finish homework because there’s too many “Hoarse-Moans” in his house?” Sounds like a good name if we formed a band, right?  Or we could simply have a decal on our drum ala “Josie & the Pussy Cats.”  Ours would say, “The Harmonious Hormone Hussies.”

Having a daughter’s puberty coinciding with your Menopause is bad enough, but with more of us putting off childbirth for careers, the collision of Mothering babies and toddlers with Menopause is as deafening as a train wreck. And not nearly as pretty. I call this category of women:

“The Stressed Breed Who Breast-Feed”

Is this mother Angry at her teen daughter or embarrassed she cannot remember her name?

Is this mother Angry at her teen daughter or just embarrassed she cannot remember her name?

So here’s some tips on how menopause and motherhood can actually work together in tandem, doing Double Duty in your life. But before you read on, make sure when greeting those darling Trick-or-Treaters, you hide your broomstick. Trust me, we’re frightening enough just as we are!

1.  Simultaneously read your child a book as you fan yourself with it.

2.  Snatch frozen teething rings from your baby’s mouth to wear as bracelets on the pulse points of your wrists during hot flashes.

3.  Rocking chairs and lullabies sooth temper tantrums…Yours!

4.  Two hot guys come into your family room every morning, never noticing your weight gain or gray hairs. Ernie & Burt! They’ll even serenade you their new song, “M is for Muffin Top.”

5.  Skip the park – – kids have more fun getting pushed around by your mood swings.

6.  Substitute Gerber’s jarred vanilla custard for cream in coffee.  Pureed peaches lighten facial hair, while diaper rash ointment will vanish cellulite.  Maybe that’s reversed?  Experiment!

7.  You now have something in common with your teens. They want to acquire your car to Drive and you want to acquire their Sex Drive.

8.  Empty containers of Nutella and Duncan Hines Butter Cream frosting make great sand toys. Empty containers of sardines or brussel sprouts – not so much.

9.  Earn brownie points and favors from husband when camouflaging your unshakable insomnia as “diligent motherly concern” by staying up till 2 am for daughter on prom night.

10.  Your mind is set free from all the clutter.  Relax in the evening as Brain Fog helps you blissfully unwind and forget how to help with 7th grade algebra homework. And who can remember that tomorrow you’re supposed to serve on jury duty followed by carpooling and dry-cleaning pick-up? Best of all, you’ll never recollect that this afternoon little Timmy broke the crystal vase your husband gave you for your anniversary. What vase? Do you even have a husband?? Ahh, life is good.

11.  Having both dependent young kids AND needy elderly parents, you can march into the nearest Subway restaurant demanding that oh so clever “Sandwich Generation” discount!

12.  At your kid’s school, create fundraisers for a new PTA — “Progesterone,Testosterone Activation.” Or start a Neighborhood Watch program where nearby households report all hormonally crazed mothers suspiciously roaming the streets.

13.  Your kids absolutely cannot accompany you on “Serenity Retreats” because they’re the ones you are retreating from!

14.  Keep plenty of oxygen masks around the house and always secure yours first before assisting younger children. If you don’t have real oxygen masks, teach your kids to recite this important airline metaphor like the Pledge of Allegiance.

15.  Head for a support group where they serve lots of wine and socialize with other menopausal moms who wander their own “Hall of Hormone Hell,” only to realize their “hall” is literally littered with Hot Wheels, Barbies, and Legos.  Watch those bare (wrinkled) feet!

You can't egg my house just cuz I ran out of candy. Haven't you heard of binge-eating disorder???

You can’t egg my house just cuz I ran out of Snickers bars. Haven’t you heard of binge-eating disorder???

47 thoughts on “The Haunted House of Hormone Hell!”

  1. You aren’t over 70, are you Miss Menopause.

    I don’t want to add more heat to drama…let’s say my perimenopause was tame..I had hot flashes for 5 min. occasionally and only when I woke up morning.

    Went on for about 2 yrs. Now I’m home-free. Except now when I’m psychologically stressed I seem to sweat more. I was never like that before.

    Not every women’s menopause is dramatically heated nor super crazy. I know several women personally who have been like me.

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  3. LOL Stephanie. I have been told that perimenopause is what I get to look forward to next. But the more I learn about that and menopause, the more I wonder how mom who has gone through both never let on that there’s a lot happening during this process. I have a feeling that when it’s my turn I’m going to be much more vocal about it.

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  4. Great list of reasons to want grandkids ASAP, but as my sweats subside to 15 minutes every night at around 6, I’m more inclined to continue waiting patiently for my kids to be menopausal parents.

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  5. Hoarse-moans!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Maybe I’m a mutant, or I just killed all those brain cells, but I don’t remember menopause being so traumatic.
    I felt like a 400 degree furnace most of the time … but that’s it.
    I’ve had sleeping issues since I went through puberty and I’ve been lost in my own thoughts since I learned to read, so I can’t blame any of that on hoarse-moans 🙂

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  6. 5, 7 & 11 😀 Stephanie, tell me this is for laughs, it ain’t that bad!

    My mom mixes up our names all the time. On the phone, I can pretend to be my sister. She’s a lot older though.

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  8. I knew I was right. It made me chuckle! But oooohhhhh, the ‘hoarse moans’…I wonder what that teacher must be thinking. LOL! Loved your list, but in particular #s5 & 7. On a serious note, I think you’re absolutely correct in pointing out that more and more moms would really find themselves in this situation because of the delay in reproduction. The sociologist in me really got tickled by that insight. :-)) Thanks for the giggle, Steph! Brilliant as always!

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  10. Course some of that screaming may be from the pain of the tongue and face piercing your daughter is getting or the tattoos. And then there is the tattoo of her dad she has on her wrist just to remind you of what a jerk your ex was. And just to get even, you tattoo the name of her ex-boyfriend, whom she hates now, on your lower arm to remind her what an idiot she was to date the guy. Seems to me this younger generation loves needles a lot more than I did.

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  11. This post is so funny Stephanie. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have female company around the house, but then I read this and think, “Do I really want to live in a war zone ?”. 😉

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  13. LOL. Thank you for a good laugh. My own baby is only 10 months old and yes, when she is a teenager, I am most likely be going through menopause. Which also reminds me why my mom and I were at loggerheads during my teenage years.

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    • And the vicious (in more ways than one!) cycle continues, mmm? Thank you very much for reading and commenting, especially with a ten month old! Sheesh, you probably need sleep more than you need the blogosphere right now!!

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  17. This article paints quite a picture. I like the band idea, perhaps The Howling Kitties. You could redo some songs such as “Iv’e got a tiger by the tail” or “Honky Cat”. Perhaps you could write a new TV show called the Menopause Files. A detective uncovers Menopause Mystery cases and unsolved insanity. It was originally written by a man but he is suspiciously missing. Of course, if you don’t like it just throw the idea in the litter box.

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  19. LOL Funny stuff. It tempts me to write something similar from the male point of view.
    The effect of menopause on husbands and dads. They roam the streets as glazed eyed zombies. Children mistakenly think they hear them speak of “hearse-moans”. But I won’t.
    I don’t won’t to tempt the wrath of a mood swinging woman. 🙂

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      • LOL I know it’s not easy! I’ve noticed my more popular posts are shorter ones. So I couldn’t write a good long piece like you. I’m tempted about many things. but I resist temptation…..and eat. 🙂

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        • No! I certainly did NOT mean that. Lol. That came across wrong. I meant it’s not that easy for you to talk about doing it but then get out of it by saying, “I don’t want to incur any female wrath so I won’t.” Lol. So c’mon…. Something short? Maybe?

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          • I’m a coward. lol. I risk wrath. Or laughter depending on the mood. I guess that’s the point..the moods. I think in this case discretion is the better part of valor. Which is is a nice out for us chickens. 🙂

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