I’ll Have the Menopasta w/ a Side of Heatballs, please!


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Warning:  Male Diners:  Do Not patronize this 1 * starlet establishment!  And male readers?  Scroll to the next Football article.

In this day and age, (especially at my age!) with the influx of baby boomer women reaching their mid-life years, it’s about time someone finally got smart and opened a restaurant specializing in issues exclusive to menopausal females. Women come to these establishments for a little R & R, hence their name — “Rest-or-Rants!”

I invite you to accompany me during tonight’s dining experience, complete from droopy butts  soup-to-nuts.

As I stroll inside, I immediately detect the light strains of Carly Simon crooning in the background, “I haven’t got time for the pain…” (so far so good!) followed by a cheery greeting from the “Hostess with the Mostest…” wrinkles, that is. But how refreshing to be seated by a Menopausal Mama instead of the usual “Stunning, Spanxless, Skinny-Jeaned, Stiletto-Heeled, Sexy Siren named Savannah.”

“Hello! I’m Esther Jen!” her hostess’ badge proclaims. I later find that customers too, don these cute name tags, saving us from resorting to clever word-association tricks to recall our table mate’s names.  Like this one:  “Okay, she chatters like a Magpie bird, so remember her name is Maggie. Wait, maybe it’s Robin? Or Raven? How about Sapsucker?”

Next order of business — decide whether I prefer to sit in the “Fanning or Non-Fanning” section. I won’t tell you which one I choose, because it will be apparent as Esther Jen (say that 5 times fast) leads me to my table. All around, women in various stages of sweating, swooning, swelling, swearing and swallowing (pills) — complain to their male servers (not waiters, women our age hate to wait!) in irritated tones, while their husbands catch a break, reading Victoria Secret catalogues at home.

THOUGHTFUL TOUCHES INCLUDE:

• Napkins folded/creased like makeshift fans.

• Medicine droppers and syringes in place of silverware.

• Placemats have guided meditations printed on them.

• Plates perched on pillows for unexpected naps.

• Water glasses refilled constantly with Icy Stares from servers.

Since this is an upscale Rest-or-Rant, a well-dressed woman walks around with a basket of Ice for the gentleman to purchase for his lady. Choice of Cubed, Chipped, or Shaved. For the discerning woman, room temperature ice is available upon request.

Esther places the menu before me with a conspicuous placard stating it will be left during the entire meal for use as a fan. I notice it also has a magnifying glass attached by a ribbon for reading.

SPECIAL OF THE DAY:

Wilted Insomnia on a bed of Lettuce (lettuce sleep please!) tossed (and turned) with Mean Goddess dressing.

Black Cohash Succatash Squash gently sautéed in Evening Primrose Oil.

Chicken Tender Breasts battered with Lose Your Temper Tempura

Hot (Flash) Sundae.

MAIN ENTREES & SIDE DISHES: Past-Your-Prime Rib, Alaskan King Cramps, Forgetful Farfalle, Beef Swellington, SlamDoory Chicken deep-fried with a vengeance, Arugula Adrenala, Nip N’ Tuck Duck with caramelized Cortisol, Taming of the Shrew Stew with hot-flashed, rehashed browns, Fetchabikini Afraido paired with Beach Wobbler for dessert, Chicken Cancha FriggenSee? Accompanied by Shredded Wits with Toasted Testosterone, and I’ma Crack Pot Roast served w/ Half-Baked potato with sex-drives chives.

BEVERAGES: Iced Tea, Iced Coffee, Iced Milk, Iced Diet Pepsi (or Irregular Pepsi) and of course, Iced Ice. Dr. Pepper is available by appointment only.

DESSERTS: (Forget gluten free, these are Glutton free) Muffin Tops, Pumpkin Praline Progesterone Pie, Part-Gray Parfait with Melatonin Mints, TearsofMissYou Tiramisu (the self-pity dessert)

I-SCREAM FLAVORS: Rocky Road, Cookies & Cramps, Schitzopolitan
Whine List: Chabliss, Chagrin, Chabloat, Crabbyday SaveYourYawn, and a White Sinfandel or Merlobido that will make you Blush.

As I decide what I’d like to eat, a fellow diner is chewing far too loudly so I tell him he reminds my of my ex-husband. He pokes me hard and I startle awake with typical nightsweat irritation before I am able to slap him back. Yes it’s all been just a wild dream, which is disappointing because I was hoping to somehow order what Meg Ryan was having.

 

 

58 thoughts on “I’ll Have the Menopasta w/ a Side of Heatballs, please!”

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  7. I don’t know how I missed this one Stephanie but I think you have something here. We boomers are the largest population ever in the history of the US and I see these Rest-or-Rants really taking off.

    I’ll take a double order of Chicken Cancha FriggenSee? Accompanied by Shredded Wits with Toasted Testosterone please 😉

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  9. O.M.G… My kid thinks I’ve lost it as I am snort/guffawing/killing myself here… and I’m not even “there” yet… but I feel it a-coming!

    Thanks to Kendall F. Person for introducing you to me!

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  12. This post made me fall in love with you all over again.

    Next up: purees aka smoothies. Chewing hurts our calcium-deprived osteoporous teeth! And then I crunch a crown and have to wait until after the holiday weekend to see my dentist, and then the temporary crown comes unglued (like my nerves) when I bypass the Tenders, and try to chew some Winterfresh gum.

    I’m delighted to see HuffPo working out so well for you. All my best wishes always…

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    • Grace – – had we fallen out of love with one another and I didn’t know it? I hope not! The magic has always been there for me! 😉

      “And then I crunch a crown” sounds like a new commercial for an aging generation’s Cap’n Crunch Cereal!

      HuffPo has given me a temporary cheap little thrill but now I’m back to wanting more literary fulfillment. Hmmmm, or maybe I’ll just eat some Lucky Charms cereal.

      many hugs,
      Steph

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  16. As I read, I pictured myself in the rest-or-rant during the height of my menopausal migraines. I would be wearing my very own invention: the MuffleHead. A soft cap that wraps around your ears (to keep out all noise) and folds over your eyes (to keep out all light). Color optional, but I imagined mine as black. The other women in the rest-or-rant wouldn’t mind that I looked like the bad guy from Farscape because they understood: you do what it takes. Brilliant, as usual — I am so glad you reblogged because I had not seen it.

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  17. Oh man! THIS is where I can see a little “blog-ference” starting up. Addressing the ONE thing mama never told us about ~ MENOPAUSE and how to get through it gracefully! A common thread with you and I! I have a little post piece that compliments this! Check it out !

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  18. Haha, Rest-o-rant – that made me laugh. You were definitely right in pulling this one out from the archives, that was so funny!
    And I think the plate on pillow concept should be extended to every restaurant, even those of the non rest-o-rant variety. Nothing like a little nap after lunch 😉

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  20. Love this idea. I think you really have something here.. although with the kids and the writing career and all that you may already have your hands full. I love this- a food space that nurtures and caters to women in menopause. I’d definitely go when the time is ripe.

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      • Thank you! 😀 Yes that’s him!!! Eventually I’ll get around to posting some pictures, but we are getting ready to leave Washington DC in the next couple days! Yay!! When I found that post, I just had to share it. It’s not a topic that we want to look at or even read about, but it’s important to know that it happens all the time and it shouldn’t be accepted at all.
        Miss being on here, just been online long enough to make a quick post or replies, but eventually I’ll be back in full force. 😉
        Michelle

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  29. No no no! This restaurant can’t all just be a dream! I want a chain. An international one, as ubiquitous as McDonalds, because it’s too perfect not to be true. Women NEED this restaurant. Although there’d better be Tena pads in the ladies as the menu had me laughing WAY too hard!

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  31. LOL I don’t know how you do it! I’m good for writing a paragraph or less. You keep coming up with full articles. Great work.
    As usual it inspired an idea that I’m far too lazy (LOL) to flesh out.
    A mens club for old guys fed up with all of it. Called…”Who gives a hooters!”

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  32. ” Plates perched on pillows for unexpected naps.”…..I’m IN! Where’s the sign-up? I’m so hungry for Past-Your-Prime Rib and rehashed browns! Wonderful post for the ages (get it? ages…)

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