‘Tis The Season (Without Rhyme or Reason!)

photo-55T’WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE MENOPAUSE

T’was the night before menopause, when all through my bod,
Not a creature moaned or complained more than me, OMG!

The Size 6’s were hung in the closet with care,
In the hopes that Jenny Craig would soon take me there.

My husband was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of erotic positions danced in his head.

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
Like when I shoved a Hooter’s waitress, carrying a taco platter.

Away to the window I flew, triggering a hot flash,
Followed by clammy skin, irregular heartbeat, and allergic rash.
(Brain fog made me forget to tear open the shutters and pull up the sash!)

Oh, the moon on the breast of the new fallen snow!
Not to mention my own breasts had sunk to a new low.

When what to my fatigued eyes, who should appear?
But a rich, black, chatty woman and a man wanting to do my pap smear.

This wasn’t the plastic surgeon I ordered or the Avon Lady chick!
I looked closer, recognizing Oprah and Dr. Oz, her sidekick.

Then more rapid than eagles, my troubles came with sharp aim,
And Dr Oz. and Oprah whooped and shouted, calling them by name.

“Now Itchy, Now Bitchy, Now Sweaty And Sleepy,
Now Bloaty, Now Psycho, Forgetful and Weepy.
Onward Insomnia, Moody, and Fibroids So Creepy!

To the Top of the medicine cabinet with your symptom roll-call
Dash away Metamucil, Calgon, Midol, Prozac and Geratol!

Then up to the Ceiling Fan, this pair of Celebrities flew,
Cameras rolling, talk shows and infomercials filming on cue.

Just then in a Twinkling, what did I hear on the roof?
A Sitcom Star more famous than this ridiculous spoof!

As I drew in my muffin top, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Ms. Suzanne Somers came with a bound.

She was dressed all in (faux) fur from her head to her (chiseled) thigh,
And she said, “Tis not the Thigh Master that keeps me so spry!”

Bundles of hormones were flung over her (well-toned) back,
With more Bio-Identicals stuffed in her (shapely) fanny pack.

Her eyes, how they sparkled, her dimples how merry,
Her cheeks were like roses, her lips like a cherry.
“Listen,” I interrogated, “Do you still eat Gluten and Dairy??”

“Why are YOU Somebody? Three’s Company went off the air?
If I sound like a Grinch – It’s cuz I just found yet another gray hair.

What did you do with that fat guy and his white beard and round belly?
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
(And made me feel less guilty when I indulged at the Deli.)

Say, you don’t have a stump of pipe in your teeth,
With smoke that encircles your head like a wreath.
And I betcha a new blonde wig, you wear Spanx underneath!”

I demand someone plump or ugly like ‘Elf on the Shelf,’
Someone who makes me feel better, when I compare myself.

With a wink of her eye, and a twist of her shiny, platinum head,
Suzanne said, “No more Somercizing, you’ve nothing to dread!”

She spoke not another word and went straight to her work,
Filled a few lacy stockings, (with garters) flashing a sexy smirk,

And laid a manicured fingernail aside her cute button nose,
Her mom should warn her about smirking, maybe her face froze?

I sprung to my feet as Dr. Oz and Oprah gave a wolf whistle,
Finally some hope that went beyond Black Cohosh and Milk Thistle!

Who knew that a night of magic with Suzanne, Oprah and Dr. Oz
Would have me feeling so much better about entering Menopause?

And away they all flew, but I heard them exclaim,
“If you listen to us, you’ll be one awesome, hot dame!”

That was the last I saw of those three, as they drove clear outa sight,
“Happy Menopause to all and don’t grow old without a good fight!”

 

Little Miss Menopause wishes everyone a day free from brain-fog, hot-flashes and weight-gain on December 25th!

Stephanie

 

 

Advertisements

Hanukkabulary (New words to use this Hanukkah)

photo-54 *Spellukah — n. A democratic way to settle any dispute over how you should write the word Chanukah. “You spell Hanukah, I spell Chanuka, let’s call the whole thing off!”

GeltnGuiltnGlutton – n. One who buys a big supply of those little mesh bags of chocolate gold coins weeks ahead of time in preparation for Chanukah parties and adorning presents, only to stealthily gobble them all up – – which results in more shopping trips to replenish original stash. (Similar phenomenon as occurs with Halloween candy.)

PresentStation – n. Designated area of the house (cleared away of all furniture by grunting, complaining males) for displaying ever-accumulating wrapped gifts for all eight nights. Most effective space includes motion detectors and iPhone surveillance system. Oy!

DecembeRemember — v. A way to remind children who envy their non-Jewish friend’s Christmas celebrations to appreciate their own. i.e. “Every year I need to DecembeRemember my twin sons that we get eight nights (all in a row!) of fun, while little Johnny down the block only has one measly morning. Sure!!

Nebbishwebish – adj. A description of an online invitation to a Chanukah party used primarily to save postage. Who cares? It’s not like Barbra Streisand or Adam Sandler emailed it to you. If they had, we’d call that, “NebbishCelebish.”

ShooJewzoo – v. The act of insisting that guests (upon their initial arrival) stop loitering in the kitchen, schmoozing, and attacking food like a bunch of untamed animals with ferocious appetites. (The formal living room (which is never allowed to be used) has been beautifully prearranged for this purpose, for heaven’s sake!)

L.A.S.E.R. – Acronym. Stands for: “Latke Applesauce Sourcream Eating Recruiter” One who makes it their business to convert a purist (single topping) latke consumer over to the other side — combining both fruit and dairy into one neat bite.

Ignoramenorah – adj. A way to describe children who rush through the beautiful tradition of candlelighting so they can rip into their presents (and the adults who allow this). The flame of materialism!

Brisketfixedit – v. The cocky action of giving unsolicited advice to the young hostess of a Chanukah party (usually by a wise grandmother type) that results in a moister main course. Often involves adding warm water (a “secret” ingredient?) to the pan drippings for extra gravy.

MessiahJeremiah – prop n. Someone (usually named Jeremiah, but can be a Joseph or even a Zack) who has religious sightings in the fun waxy build-up on the menorah base. There’s one in every bunch. Note: shapes resembling Jesus will be met with raised brows.

Fryerliargoodbyers – pl. n. Those who fabricate reasons why they cannot help cook the latkes in a deep pan of oil, (spattering hot grease all over their blouse) then abruptly depart the kitchen.

Fryercomplier – n. That lone individual who remains near the stovetop after all other fryerliargoodbyers have exited because he/she couldn’t think fast enough.

Jiltguilt – n. Feeling of obligation to come back inside kitchen to help the overwhelmed ‘Fryercomplier,’ who was previously abandoned. This results in a “Mitzvah-Shvitza-Splitza.” (see below)

Mitzvah-Shvitza-Splitza – n. The unspoken agreement between the two people who end up frying all the latkes together. Their reward for perspiring over the burning stove? Getting to share as much potato pancakes as they want, (fresh from the pan while they’re still hot!) before carrying out the cold platter for the other lazy bums. Also known as “WarmaKarma.”

WinchellsmellJell – adj. Description of that telltale scent which is evidence that the hostess purchased her Sufganiyot (traditional jelly donuts) at an outside chain establishment, rather than deep-frying them up homemade. Can you really blame her? Enough of the oil already! We get the miracle…. it burned for 8 long days.

*(Spellukah!) Just for fun – Here’s how many online searches there were in 2014 for the different variations of the word.  Oy!  Jews can never agree.  Happy Holidays!

Hanukkah : 8,470,000 
Chanukah : 3,390,000 
Hanukah : 862,000 .
Hannukah : 677,000 
Chanuka : 335,000 
Chanukkah : 274,000 
Hanuka : 192,000 
Channukah : 128,000 
Chanukka : 116,000 
Hanukka : 86,300 
Hannuka : 51,400 
Hannukkah : 37,300 
Channuka : 33,600 
Xanuka : 992 
Hannukka : 686   
Channukkah : 508 Channukka : 489 
Chanuqa : 25

 

Please visit me at In The Powder Room, a funny brilliant website where I have had a 3-part humor series going on.