‘Tis The Season (Without Rhyme or Reason!)


photo-55T’WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE MENOPAUSE

T’was the night before menopause, when all through my bod,
Not a creature moaned or complained more than me, OMG!

The Size 6’s were hung in the closet with care,
In the hopes that Jenny Craig would soon take me there.

My husband was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of erotic positions danced in his head.

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
Like when I shoved a Hooter’s waitress, carrying a taco platter.

Away to the window I flew, triggering a hot flash,
Followed by clammy skin, irregular heartbeat, and allergic rash.
(Brain fog made me forget to tear open the shutters and pull up the sash!)

Oh, the moon on the breast of the new fallen snow!
Not to mention my own breasts had sunk to a new low.

When what to my fatigued eyes, who should appear?
But a rich, black, chatty woman and a man wanting to do my pap smear.

This wasn’t the plastic surgeon I ordered or the Avon Lady chick!
I looked closer, recognizing Oprah and Dr. Oz, her sidekick.

Then more rapid than eagles, my troubles came with sharp aim,
And Dr Oz. and Oprah whooped and shouted, calling them by name.

“Now Itchy, Now Bitchy, Now Sweaty And Sleepy,
Now Bloaty, Now Psycho, Forgetful and Weepy.
Onward Insomnia, Moody, and Fibroids So Creepy!

To the Top of the medicine cabinet with your symptom roll-call
Dash away Metamucil, Calgon, Midol, Prozac and Geratol!

Then up to the Ceiling Fan, this pair of Celebrities flew,
Cameras rolling, talk shows and infomercials filming on cue.

Just then in a Twinkling, what did I hear on the roof?
A Sitcom Star more famous than this ridiculous spoof!

As I drew in my muffin top, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Ms. Suzanne Somers came with a bound.

She was dressed all in (faux) fur from her head to her (chiseled) thigh,
And she said, “Tis not the Thigh Master that keeps me so spry!”

Bundles of hormones were flung over her (well-toned) back,
With more Bio-Identicals stuffed in her (shapely) fanny pack.

Her eyes, how they sparkled, her dimples how merry,
Her cheeks were like roses, her lips like a cherry.
“Listen,” I interrogated, “Do you still eat Gluten and Dairy??”

“Why are YOU Somebody? Three’s Company went off the air?
If I sound like a Grinch – It’s cuz I just found yet another gray hair.

What did you do with that fat guy and his white beard and round belly?
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
(And made me feel less guilty when I indulged at the Deli.)

Say, you don’t have a stump of pipe in your teeth,
With smoke that encircles your head like a wreath.
And I betcha a new blonde wig, you wear Spanx underneath!”

I demand someone plump or ugly like ‘Elf on the Shelf,’
Someone who makes me feel better, when I compare myself.

With a wink of her eye, and a twist of her shiny, platinum head,
Suzanne said, “No more Somercizing, you’ve nothing to dread!”

She spoke not another word and went straight to her work,
Filled a few lacy stockings, (with garters) flashing a sexy smirk,

And laid a manicured fingernail aside her cute button nose,
Her mom should warn her about smirking, maybe her face froze?

I sprung to my feet as Dr. Oz and Oprah gave a wolf whistle,
Finally some hope that went beyond Black Cohosh and Milk Thistle!

Who knew that a night of magic with Suzanne, Oprah and Dr. Oz
Would have me feeling so much better about entering Menopause?

And away they all flew, but I heard them exclaim,
“If you listen to us, you’ll be one awesome, hot dame!”

That was the last I saw of those three, as they drove clear outa sight,
“Happy Menopause to all and don’t grow old without a good fight!”

 

Little Miss Menopause wishes everyone a day free from brain-fog, hot-flashes and weight-gain on December 25th!

Stephanie

 

 

61 thoughts on “‘Tis The Season (Without Rhyme or Reason!)”

  1. Pingback: Smorgasbord Christmas Posts from Your Archives – Twas the night before Christmas, with presents to wrap by Judy E. Martin | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life

  6. Hi Namesake, I seriously applaud you because even in menopause you come up with the most delightful morsels of humor. Geez I fumble through my days trying to remember basic words like ‘futon’ for example. A recent conversation with my cousin went something like this “you know, it’s one of those things you, like, you know, it’s a long think, sorta like a bed but not a bed, I can’t remember what it is, the word isn’t even close to being on the tip of my tongue…” when my reach for the word doesn’t work I begin using my hands in a vain attempt to pantomine ‘futon.’ I never did get the word out but my cousin (bless her heart) figured it out. Okay now I’m tired and it’s time to go to bed only to be stricken with another bout of insomnia. Thanks for the laughs as always 🙂 ~Steph

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  7. This was terrifically funny one would have to admit, you sure have good prose, I admire your wit. This would be a good rhyme for the Dr. Seuss special “Morton hears a Jew.”

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  8. Stephanie, I’m absolutely tickled that this is a Christmas/Menopause piece. Season greeting-ish and revolutionary and hilarity all in one. I am certain there is nothing like it in the history of forever. Happy Holidays! I hope you are having a wonderful season. xox

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  11. Pingback: Episode 84: ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas…My Version. | Edwina's Episodes

  15. That is difficult to do … But you did and made it work …. Was everything true? If so I would like some pictures of you shoving the Hooters girl …. And I didn’t know you have a husband … I guess my quest to have you make me gravy is finished (sigh). Merry Christmas Stephanie and a very wonderful New Year .

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  16. “Little Miss Menopause wishes everyone a day free from brain-fog, hot-flashes and weight-gain on December 25th!”

    Ah, Steph, from your lips to God’s ears, if only. But it is, after all the thought that counts. And I think you are the best.

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  21. Oh, how I’ve missed you! I’ve been sitting here reading this chuckling all the way through…I love the OMG you tossed in there and I love the new reindeer names! Whole thing is Fabulous!

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  24. Great piece of literature you have here. Just two things. OMG does not rhyme with bod. And where was Dr. Phil. Since you didn’t include him for the milk and cookies, you will now have to suffer Dr. Phil karma. And that is some nasty stuff.

    Here’s something for you to sing. You get this one down and you will have it made in the shade. Santa will love you for it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFMyF9fDKzE

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  26. Best: “Now Itchy, Now Bitchy, Now Sweaty And Sleepy,
    Now Bloaty, Now Psycho, Forgetful and Weepy.
    Onward Insomnia, Moody, and Fibroids So Creepy!”

    My fight is now feeble and I don’t give a shit,
    Why just take a look at my hairy armpits.

    Take Oz and Oprah and Miss Somers, too
    Take them to that chimney and up it screw.

    Without us damp dames, flashing night and day
    You’d be fucked my friends, now dash away!

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  27. Awesome, I don’t plan to. Hey, funny story, there was a girl who used to attend my son’s School of Rock, knew her and saw her and her fashion designer mother around for years before finding out they were Suzanne Somers’ daughter and granddaughter!! Maybe I should show them this poem. (Ha, ha just kidding.) I’m doing my Night Before Christmas spoof submission on Wednesday.

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