Phone Sex . . . Your True Calling? (Part 2)

betty boopI was going to end with Part 1 (avoiding future awkward moments for my readers) but many people phoned insisting I finish what I started. Of course most of those callers were my daughters referring to their baby scrapbooks.

 For better or worse, we now return to the climax of the “HOW TO HAVE BETTER PHONE SEX” article I modified from Wiki How, posted in its original state  HERE. My additions are in Red Font.

Begin the call!

Once you have your partner on the phone, take things at a speed you’re both comfortable with. There’s no “correct” way to have phone sex.  However there is an incorrect way! Don’t put your partner on hold each time your persistent Jewish mother calls worried about your “health.” Here’s the fix: Tell her beforehand you’re keeping your line clear for a prominent physician to call. She’ll be so busy humming, “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” she’ll forget about you for hours.

  • If it helps you relax, spend a few minutes chatting before you get started… just don’t let yourselves get distracted from your sexy goal.  I like to sing, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” to bolster my confidence and to see if blondes really do have more fun?
  • A low, soft tone of voice or heavy breathing can help set the mood, but don’t force it (if you have asthma, get your inhaler) Speaking comfortably in your normal tone of voice will be sexier than an awkwardly forced attempt at sounding sexy. In fact sometimes doing the opposite can break the ice for both of you.  Do you do a mean Rosanne Rosannadanna impersonation? Now’s the time.
 Introduce a casual topic that will segue nicely into sexy talk. Getting started is possibly the hardest part. Pick a topic that’s easy for you to bring up, but which has the potential to spiral into steamier territory. Examples:
  • How much you miss them, or wish they were with you (if  your partner leads with this, best to confirm it’s not a wrong number.)
  • What you would like to do if they were with you (Refrain from saying, “Call your mother up so you can explain why she’s not welcome at our house for dinner anymore.”)
  • What you’re wearing and how you look in it  It’s a huge turn-on to be assertive so instead of asking them the usual insecure question, turn it around into a confident “I” statement. i.e. Insist,”I know these jeans DO make my butt look fat.  Yes, they absolutely do!”  If that seems to get a rise out of them, you can berate and discipline them ala Fifty Shades of Grey. “It’s your job to tell me! Don’t you roll your eyes at me!! How could you let me go out like this?  OMG, I oughta strangle you. Would you like that??”  Mmmmmm, they would. . .
  • What you’re doing at the moment (Feel free to skip this part. They’ll never hear you filing your nails over your loud moans.)
  • How you’re feeling about starting phone sex (avoid any synonyms to “Silly”)
  • Recount how many items went missing in the last load of laundry, causing sorting and mating footwear to be difficult. Oh wait, that’s Phone Sox.
  • Escalate into sexy talk. (If you tend to loose your footing on moving staircases, Elevate into sexy talk instead.)  Once you’re feeling comfortable, try getting bolder with your descriptions. A good approach is to describe these 3 things:
  • What you’re doing: Describe how you look and the way you’re touching yourself. Be raunchy but coy! (Just don’t say, “Maybe we could do it in a Koi pond some day. Wouldn’t that be raunchy?”)
    • Ask for “advice” — for example, “should I start playing with my underwear?” (“White underwear that turned pink in the wash yet again, I kid you not! Any advice on that issue?”) Shhh, not the laundry again!  That’s only erotic the first time around.
    • Tell them what you’d like them to do, if they’re willing. (Would they be willing to buy you a Porsche? No? Bargain with them. How about just a down payment on a Honda Accord?)
    • Don’t feel bad if you’re not comfortable touching yourself — you can still let them know that you’re enjoying simply listening to them.  Or say enthusiastically, “I couldn’t wait to touch myself. And guess what I discovered? My purple nail polish is nearly dry!”
  • What you’re imagining: This could be, for example, what you’d like to be doing with your partner, or a moment from great sex the two of you experienced in the past, (make sure their recall skills are just as sharp as yours however, or you’ll be arguing whether you were the person on top during an Alaskan cruise or a Mexican holiday.
    • You might want to start out slow: begin with tame descriptions like “first, I’d stroke your hair. Btw, did you ever try that dandruff shampoo I bought you?” or “I really like the way your chest looks in a T-shirt”, (just not the one that says, “I’m with Stupid.”) before moving on to steamier things like “then I’d kiss your neck” or “remember when you did that thing in the shower?” And after that, we never had another clogged drain again!
    • As always, how explicit you get, and how quickly, is entirely up to you. Seize the control, baby! 
  • How you’re feeling: Describe the physical and emotional feelings you’re experiencing as a result of what you’re doing and/or what they’re saying.
    • Moaning is a great way to communicate. However, there’s no need to to do this if you’re uncomfortable. You can start with just letting your breath go at first, to help encourage little moans into louder moans. I think there’s a MPH (Moans per Hour) formula but I’m not sure. Moan Multiplication is complicated if your mouth math skills suck.  You could moan to the 10th power and then divide by the square root of 9 and call it a day. If you’re more right brained, Musical Moaning to Michael Jackson’s Thriller can be equally as effective.
    • Let them know when they’ve described something you particularly enjoyed. (Nordstroms, Tiffany’s, Neiman Marcus. This is called Foreplay storeplay)  Likewise, don’t be afraid to tell them when you don’t enjoy something — it’ll allow the two of you to move on to something else that you’ll both find enjoyable. Have a judging system like they do on ‘So You Think You Can Dance.’

 What Comes Next!  

  • Masturbation and orgasm . Mutual masturbation and orgasm are excellent additions to phone sex, but they’re not a requirement by any means. No worries. Just like a new driver who starts the ignition and idles in the driveway the whole entire day. It’s all good.
    • Don’t feel bad if your partner doesn’t join you in masturbating. If you don’t want to masturbate alone, ask them before you start if they’d be interested in joining you? Don’t make a sales pitch. You’re not telemarketing.  Besides, they may still harbor resentments from you demanding they leave the warm bed you share together and heading to the phone booth around the corner so you could try phone sex.  Likewise, they shouldn’t get anxious if they start masturbating and you don’t want to — you’re not obligated to join them. What do they think they’ve formed? A Mutual Masturbation Coalition?  Just enjoy listening to them pleasure themselves.
    • Don’t worry if one or both of you never reach orgasm. Think of it as the icing on the cake, rather than the goal of the exercise.  However, they may have achieved their goal so quietly, (or your ears may be failing at your age) that you didn’t hear them. In situations like this, it’s permissible to say, “Was that what I thought it was?” Warning!  Don’t say, “Come again?”  photo-75
    • If you reach orgasm before your partner has, never hush all the way up!  Brush up on the lyrics to “The Sound of Silence” by Simon & Garfunkel and serenade them. Or continue talking, describing what you’re feeling and imagining. You might want to say, “Well, I imagine you might want to come back home now?” if it’s still raining outside.
     
  • Finishing. The point at which you decide to stop is up to you. There’s no need to wait for orgasm or until you’ve built hotels on both Boardwalk and Park Place. However if you can’t discern if they’ve reached their climax (because it’s all sounding the same right about now) you may want to have an agreed upon signal that they are indeed “complete.” Walter Cronkite signed off with, “And that’s the way it is!” but I think you can do better.
    • There’s no rule as to how quickly you should end the call after finishing off. Some people prefer ending the call as soon as their breathing has gone back to normal, whereas others prefer to stay on the line and chat. Just don’t say, “Well, I hate to eat and run but….”
    • Let your partner know how much you enjoyed yourself before you end the call and that you’d like to do it again soon.  I once said, “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”  (That didn’t go over very well.) Good Luck readers!

If this doesn’t work out, and a divorce looms in your future, I’ve got you covered there too with my brand new article on Huffington Post today right HERE.  

  • photo-76

Are You Hung Up On Phone Sex?

couple phone sexAs a convenient service to my readers, I occasionally take online “How To” articles and expand on them so they’re more accurate.  This will enable you to better accomplish your goals, (which let’s just suppose for today is, “How To Have Better Phone Sex!”) in a more expedient manner.

See, I’ve got your number.  And you’re welcome!

This article was originally from Wiki How and can be found HERE with outrageous graphic illustrations that depict a woman getting ready to . . .  uh, shampoo her hair??

Let’s Begin! My additions will be in red font and will luckily include much more than scintillating dialogue like this: 

“What are you wearing?”

“I don’t know.  What are YOU wearing?”

PART 1 (The Introduction)

Phone sex is a great way to spice up your sex life, whether you’re doing it because your partner is far away, (does the kitchen count?) because you’re not ready to have other kinds of sex together, because you just want to try something new, or any other reason like needing to have unique blogging material. To have great phone sex, you need to let loose, stop being self-conscious, (yes, remind yourself the phone probably hasn’t shaved its legs in weeks, either) and be ready to get turned on, no matter how silly you may feel at first. (“Silly” probably wasn’t the adjective you were feeling, but now that “Silly” has been mentioned, you probably cannot help envisioning how “Silly” the phone below would look on your partner’s ear)

phone sex

If you want to know how to have phone sex, just follow these very easy steps.  Hmm, shouldn’t one of these steps be very Hard? At least for him?

  1. Set up a phone date. While it’s true that, as with any other kind of sex, phone sex can “just happen”, the session is more likely to go well if you’ve planned ahead, especially if it’s your first time doing it together. There is probably a ready-made invitation you can send from evite.com but make sure the RSVP info is clear. You do not want to be stood up for this particular activity. And will it be potluck or catered?  If you do not have a special someone already to have phone sex with then you could try a phone sex chat line number such as 1-888-392-5412.  Yes, although this phone number is just one digit off from the As Seen On TV “Hurricane Spinning Kitchen Linoleum Cleaner”  so be careful because instead of dropping your drawers, you’ll just be mopping your floors.
  2. Pick a time when you’re both alone and free to let your inhibitions loose. (Extremely wild inhibitions may do better abiding by local leash laws.) Your plan won’t work if you’re rolling around in bed, feeling hot and heavy, (hot, as in hot flashes? Heavy, as in that extra 25 lbs?) while your partner is shivering in the rain outside the library. (Your partner is intellectual enough to visit a library, but not intelligent enough to take shelter inside during a storm?)
  3. If your partner is new to phone sex or feeling unsure, consider sending them this article, or reading it together. If your partner is already a phone sex expert, then send ’em my blog on I Hate Hugging. They’ll feel blessed to have you as a partner instead of me!
  4. Don’t forget that you can always discuss what you’d like to do during phone sex before you start. Great point. How about designing a personalized menu for both of you to choose from? i.e. Let’s say his name is Gus. You can order up a side of Steamed AssSpareGus. You get the idea.

PART 2 (The Setting)

Let loose and get in the mood. It will be difficult for you to enjoy yourselves if you feel tense or Silly, (oops!  There’s the mention of Silly again.  Now you’re thinking about this . . .)finger

So before you call, do whatever you need to do to get yourself comfortable and feeling sexy.  If you’re the one in that pouring rain outside the library, get a seductive looking umbrella.

  • Let loose: Lie in bed for a while, (browse the internet, have a glass of wine, jog on the spot, do some singing and silly dancing in front of the mirror — anything that will allow you to release the tension from your body.) If you keep your drapes open for all the jogging, singing and dancing, you may not have time for any phone sex since the neighbors will have beaten you to the telephone. They’ll call the asylum.
  • Get in the mood: Setting up a sexy atmosphere can help put you in the right frame of mind, so consider doing whatever you’d do to prepare for any other kind of sex. Here are some ideas:
    • Tidy up your room and make the bed (this was written by Merry Maids, Inc.)
    • Turn off lights, perhaps set up some candles (nice touch if you forgot to pay the electric bill)
    • Play soft music (Actually your cell might already have just the perfect melody programmed into itunes or some other app, but you’ll never know unless you get your phone turned-on.)
    • Have a bath or shower (and a shave, if you like) Yes! Poor hygiene is a real hot button. Your mobile device is very dialed in to this issue and you don’t want to push its buttons.
    • Put on (or take off!) your favorite, sexiest clothes and underwear. I have nothing to add.
    • Set out a sex toy (Be careful that it’s not another battery operated gadget because your cell phone may feel jealous and possibly even replaced. You could convince your phone that this is actually for a ménage à trois. However it may not fall for this trick since it’s a Smartphone.)
    • Turn yourself on by gently caressing your body, or thinking about your lover, or imagining sexual encounters you’ve had or would like to have… but don’t let yourself get too turned on just yet — that’s what the phone call is for!  Definitely don’t get too worked up! It’s much better to stay in that Silly frame of mind (mentioned numerous times earlier) so your partner will sense your arousal when you finally quit singing, “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and stop dancing like Dick Van Dyke.

Part 3 (The Climax) Coming Soon!cell phone sex

I’m Intent to Rent for my next Event!

photo (15)Seriously? Why is this so complex?  It’s a dress, not an apartment!  Here’s my letter of recommendation:

To Whom It May Concern,

Little Miss Menopause would make an excellent candidate to wear a rental gown because she doesn’t drink and zip, she never eats anything that stains, and she has her perspiration well under control.  I can honestly say that you won’t regret letting her rock your frock.

Signed,

Her Bra & Panties

Dear Readers – – Please check me out RIGHT HERE  for a humorous portrayal of how Online Dress Rentals work (at least how they work for me!) as I am  featured today on an online magazine called BLUNTmoms.  I would really appreciate you sharing and leaving comments over there.  It’s easy to do!  Thank you to all!

 

 

The Blogcademy Awards (The Bloscars!) With a Giveaway Prize!

photo (14)C’mon, admit it.  You just knew you’d find me with this Blog title today, right?  With my love of inventing Blogger Vocabularly (read here) and how I honored the Winter Olympics with “The Writer Olympics” (read here) and Super Bowl Sunday (read here) then it follows there must be an event called “The Bloscars.”

Now let’s walk the Red-Carpet and enter the actual Post to see the grandeur that awaits, shall we?  Beware of the Blogarazzi with their blinding camera flashes, whoops and hollers.  Smile nicely, with that odd, “look over your shoulder at who-the-hell-knows what” type of pose.  Maybe all bloggers should keep looking over their shoulder for the next odd thing to happen to them?photo-217

 THE PRE-CEREMONY TIME WASTERS & A PRIZE!

Welcome! First of all – – instead of Ellen Degeneres and pizza, you’re stuck with me serving Blogdogs on Buns. Children Bloggers get CornBlogs.  Sorry.  I won’t pass a hat around for $ contributions, but please don’t blog one single word about how I didn’t take into account alternative meal options for Blegetarians and Blegans.  We like our blogs meaty here!  i.e. – – “Where’s the Beef  Blog ??”

photo-216Insert your Favorite Opening Dance Sequence Here to the left.  Idina Menzel (pronounce it however you like, but give John Travolta a break- – he’s barely “Staying Alive” since his Saturday Night Fever stint) can also sing “Let It Go” from the animated film, Frozen, which is what happens to Bloggers who refresh their Stats page too much.  Our computer freezes.

And yes, just like last year with Ellen hosting, there will be a Selfie Photo Contest, so let’s take down Twitter…Wordpress!  Not to place any WordPressure on you, but please take a photo of the front page of your Blog the way that it looks on your laptop/computer with you (the proud Blog creator!)  in the photo as well.  Shy, retiring, inhibited, insecure, and/or paranoid Bloggers (that would be me) feel free to just portray your blog alone, without any human in the pic.   Put a link to your photo (Shutterfly, Facebook, any other forum where you can post a picture) in the comments section and the winner (based on the most eye-catching, creative photo) will receive two movie passes. (or the equivalent of such, on a $25 Amazon Gift Card)  Deadline will be this Friday Feb 27th  to post Selfie photos and a winner will be picked and prize awarded on my birthday, March 12th.  Since I will have nothing better to do on that day, other than to sob about not being in my 40’s any longer.

And Now . . . The Blotion Picture Blogcademy Proudly Presents . . . THE BLOSCARS! (think of orchestra rising here)

During the silence that follows each category,  please imagine who would deserve this particular award in your own real life world or Online world that you call your Blogosphere.  I would never be so presumptuous as to start naming Names here!  The idea is to get YOU thinking about the kinds of people (bloggers and non-bloggers alike) that you consciously surround yourself with each and every day.  It CAN make a difference.photo-218

And the Featured Categories Are ????

Best Supportive Commenter:  Who regularly leaves you lots of love?

Best Editor:  Which individual do you count on to give your posts a onceover, so you don’t have blatant errors like “onceover” when published?

Best Original Score UnderScore: (Note: Strikeovers would also fall in this category)

Best Blog Header:  Your eye was drawn immediately!

Best Blog Background:  It compliments, rather than detracts.

Best Song: (Oh!  I feel another contest coming on!)  In the comments section below, please leave the one best song (with either a Title or the well known chorus lyrics) that would best suit your blog.  In other words, you would most want to have this song blasting when someone clicks open your blog.  Give a brief explanation as to why you chose this song. One winner will be announced (same dates given for the Selfie Photo contest above) and awarded a $20 itune Gift Card.  We’re looking again for Creativity here and some Wordplay.  Here’s a not so good Example:  The song “Roar” by Katy Perry should accompany my blog because people always roar with laughter when they read it!

Best Tagger:  Who gets the best traffic from tags?

Best Muse:  Who inspires your ideas?  Which individual do you most find yourself telling to “hold that thought” for a second while you jot something down in your “Blog Notebook”  You do have one of those, right?!?

Best Brusher-Off-er:  Who (in real life) changes the subject the fastest when you bring up your Blog?

Best and Worse Dressed List

Clothing is a huge deal.  I know.  Just not here. And breasts are not going to be mentioned here at all.  If you want to know why, go here.   So alternatively,  there will be no hiring Mr.Blackwell  Blogwell to ogle (blogle) and rave or conversely rant/diss any certain Blogger’sPajamas Attire – – but the following categories will rhyme with the word “Dressed” instead.  You should nod your head right about now and see this as a perfectly “suit”able solution.

Best Jest:  Favorite Non-Serious Blog

Best Guest:  Who regularly has the most interesting Blogger Guests writing for them?

Best Blessed:  Whose Blog seems to have the most Gratitude or Grace?

Best Addressed:  Who takes a Controversial Subject and Nails it?

Best Confessed:  Who takes the opportunity of blogging to bare their soul, show their authentic truth?

Best Assessed:  Who is the Best Reviewer you know.  Books, Movies, Food, etc. Their opinion matters to you!

Best Compressed:  Who can blog in the fewest words you know and still make it work?  Really distill down their ideas so you just get the concentrated bottom line from them?

Best Distressed & Stressed:  Who is always having an issue?  Yes, this could be a Drama Blog, but maybe not?

Best Obsessed:  Who focuses on just one topic every single solitary time, but you love them anyway?

Best Cardiac Arrest:  Who shocks you the most with their outrageousness?

Best Nest:  Which Parent Blogger gets the most “oohs and ahs” because their love of family shines through?

Best Quest:  Who seems to have the loftiest goal or purpose in Blogging?

Best Teenage Blogger who is wise beyond their years:  Hey that doesn’t rhyme?  That’s right, just seeing if you are paying attention.

Best Contest:  Who regularly has Blog Giveaways that excite you?

Best Pest:  Who is that Blogger you wish you could secretly Unfollow?

Best Rest:  Their Blog is where you hang out when you want to unwind and relax.

Best Pressed:  They haven’t been Freshly Pressed, but you think that’s just a matter of time. Either that or they make really good freshly squeezed orange juice.

Best Detest:  Okay, you hate their blog.  You don’t follow it at all, but you’re aware of its presence and you want them to clean up their act.

Best Intelligence Test:  Wow, are they just off the chart smart or what??  Do you even belong there as a reader?  Yep, you do!

Best Request:  They’re the Blog-Pleasers.  They will do what you ask because they want crowd approval.  But do you really know what they’re about?

Best Impressed: They are the equivalent of the  Name   Blog-Dropper who wants you to admire their Blog for the Flash, not the substance.

Best Protest:  They are never going to be happy unless they can keep blogging about how unhappy the world makes them.

Best Mae West:  “Why don’t you come up and see me sometime?”  That’s right, I finally ran out of rhymes that had any connection to blogging! And besides we needed a real movie star right about now.

Along with leaving a comment, Please don’t forget to enter one or both contests above (Selfie & Song) and we’ll see you next year at the BLOSCARS! Also signing up to follow my blog will guarantee you won’t miss the next time I get zany enough to decide to bizarrely tie a Giveaway Contest with a Posting Topic.

Must You Be Sneaky to Become a Successful Blogger?

photo (13)No.  You just need to have a good memory to recall these devious tips.

7 Tactics That Truthful Bloggers Will Admit Trying

1.  Get Readers! — Let’s face it, most of us are not writing a diary here. We want our words seen by millions. Therapists claim we didn’t get enough “Show & Tell” in grade school. Try this — Join Facebook groups that have nothing to do with writing (otherwise you’re competing with other hungry bloggers) but make sure the group is at least in your niche.  Let’s say you are a food, gardening or fashion blogger. Or you blog about parenting.  Join those kind of special interest Facebook groups and then periodically post about a fantastic article a friend of yours sent and now you want to pay it forward and share the link. If you have a different profile photo on Facebook than the one on your blog, chances are nobody will correlate you are one in the same person.

2.  Start Your Comments Off On The Right Foot! — Did you just post something terrific and . . .  crickets? There’s nothing wrong with giving a little encouraging nudge to your readers with a comment (anonymously, of course!) from yourself that says, “This was pure genius! I seriously hope I get to be the first one to comment here about how good this was.”  Emperor’s New Clothes, people!  Rest assured, others will soon follow suit. Do not forget to respond back to yourself (you don’t want to be ignored, right??) with something like this.  “Much appreciated, Anonymous!  I hope you’ll come back and tell me your name so I can thank you properly.”  What?? We talk to ourselves when we’re alone in the car. What’s wrong with a little self-esteem raising banter on our blog?

3.  Visiting Other Bloggers! —  What goes around comes around. You must give in order to receive. Yada, yada, yah ha. If you want subscribers and engagement, surprise — you’ll need to subscribe and engage. But only subscribe or follow extremely succinct bloggers.  Better yet, bloggers who write in rhymed verse. Trust me, they can’t carry this out for too long.  This will cut your required daily reading in half.  Would you rather take a class on Emily Dickinson (she was a short poet, standing a mere 5 ft tall.) or Tolstoy? Alternatively if someone becomes too wordy for you, simply delve into the middle of their War and Peace entry and single out one sentence to quote. Go to their comments and copy/paste their own words back to them, followed by “Best. Line. Ever.”  People love seeing that.  Warning:  Do not excerpt something from the beginning or the end. They will suspect you didn’t really read the entire thing. The nerve of them.

4. Testing Your Readers For Sincerity! — Ever get the feeling “they’re just not that into me?” People might be reading/commenting just so you’ll follow the Golden Rule (see #3) and return the favor, taking an interest in what they do. Especially people in real life. Your sister probably doesn’t have time to TRULY read your blog, yet every so often she’ll toss out, “Hey, great post last week.” Then you can say, “Thanks, Sis!  Do you mean the one where I bought crunchy peanut butter and had to pick out all the lumps so the kids wouldn’t say Ew?” After she says, “Yep, that’s the one!” you can lower the boom. There was NEVER such a post. What kind of nut doesn’t buy smooth and creamy?

5.  Bring People Back to Life! —  Do you notice some original subscribers have died out or lost interest in visiting your blog. But is the love affair really over? Try this: Occasionally peruse your statistics list (this is akin to going through your personal telephone book, back when we had those) and when you see someone you haven’t heard from in a long time, immediately visit their blog and say, “hope you’re okay? Was just thinking of you yesterday,” in their comment section.  This will jog their memory about your existence and they will think, “Oh yeah. Her. I suppose I should probably go see what she’s been up to lately. Ho Hum.”  And then just like Poltergeist . . they’re baaaaack.

6. Get Even More Readers! — Ploys for this endeavor cannot be done too often. Put the link to your blog as an auto signature stamp on your email.  Suddenly become the best little email communicator in the world. This is like sending advertisements for your blog into their home without having to pay for postage.  Volunteer to send out class emails for the teacher and help your boss out at work with company memos. People love romance. Email an invitation for your wedding to everyone you’ve ever met. After traffic increases on your blog, simply break up with that creep. Put a “How’s My Driving?” sign on your car bumper with your blog address instead of a phone number. Weave in and out of traffic. Do not discount the idea of giving birth to more children. They will grow up to be more readers for you if you increase their allowance.

7.  Lists! — Nobody wants to read a plain paragraph anymore. So old school.  Go back into all your old posts and convert them to lists.  Anything you’ve written can easily be numbered, categorized, pro’d & conned or How To’d and it will instantly become fresh again. Didn’t your mother tell you to go through your wardrobe and sew on nice, new buttons to spruce things up? Don’t you put new knobs on your kitchen cabinets instead of refinishing them? Same thing here . . . “Bullets, baby!” And when you’ve exhausted making lists, by all means Compare and Contrast stuff. i.e. “How Marriage Is Similar to Divorce.”

You’re a Successful Blogger.  Which Ones Will You Admit to Doing? Tell me in the comments. 

If you enjoyed this, you’ll love my list of how Writing/Getting Published is Similar to Fifty Shades of Grey! Read it on the Huffington Post right HERE.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/complicated/

A Rose By Any Other Name . . .

hello!When I went to a networking meeting two weeks ago, I reached for a pen to fill out the “Hello, my name is . . . ” tag and instantly wrote down “Rose.” As I slapped “Rose” onto my chest, I thought WTF??

Yes, Stephanie is a three syllable name and does take longer to write down, but huh?!? So without any notice, I was “Rose.”

I was neither flowery nor thorny, and I certainly wasn’t Rose Kennedy . . .  nope. I was feeling very Titanic-y. Where was Jack Dawson?  “I want you to draw me like one of your french girls, wearing this. Wearing only this . . .”photo-74

In about an hour I was yawning, tired — evidently now channeling “Briar Rose” from Sleeping Beauty. But I was excited because I realized from this point on, I could be someone brand new each day!

Here are my results: 

Bernadette — Boy they sure clamoured around me at a cocktail party. (It might’ve been the platter of shrimp I was seated near)  They wanted to know if I spoke French? Finally I ended up giving a few people some legal advice after they twisted my arm and found out my closest friends know me as “Bernie the Attorney.”

Harmony — Barefoot in the supplement section of our local grocery market, three separate people (upon overhearing me answer my cell phone confidently with, “This is Harmony…”) asked me if I could recommend an herb for energy and tranquility.  “Well, if you gotta have both together then it needs to be organic, raw, whole, virgin, bitter, and very very green.” I said, knowingly.  “Vitameatavegamin!   Yes, without question, Vitameatavegamin will let you spoon your way to health. It’s so tasty, too. Just like candy.” Then I winked. There was no question in my mind who I was going to be the next day.

Lucy — As Lucy, I kept wanting to be in the sunlight so the reddish highlights in my dark hair might catch someone’s eye. But nobody really laughed at anything I said or did. Frustrated after telling each stranger my name and asking, “Don’t you love Lucy?” I overate a bunch of chocolate candies, stomped on a few grapes (no wine) and decided to look for Charlie Brown instead. The day was a total bust.  I fell asleep at night to Kenny Rogers crooning, “You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille.”

Mary – – This was an interesting pick for a nice Jewish girl. Although I was blessed once by two people as I sat in the Dr’s office waiting room, but in all fairness, I had just sneezed. I also was feeling cranky, grumpy and tired.  It could be the sore throat I’d been battling but quite frankly, I couldn’t stop thinking, “Mary, Mary, quite contrary…”  I needed to do something quickly to cheer myself up, so I began to smile really big and toss my hat up into the air.

 

Wouldn't it great to turn an entire world on with your smile?

Wouldn’t it great to turn an entire world on with your smile?

 

Minerva — Never having picked up a single Harry Potter book (or movie) in my life, I had no idea what I getting myself into with this name. I just wanted to sound smart. But it was too late. At the park, smart alec kids wouldn’t leave me alone. All sorts of questions about Hogwarts and Gryffindor and Muggles. Seriously? In one hour flat the name Minerva was getting on my last nerva and I immediately changed it to. . .

Grace — I resisted an urge to pirouette and arabesque right there in the sandbox, but quite honestly, elegance and class were now my middle name. I told all the confused children that I missed my calling and would catch them later, perhaps in the Royal Opera House and immediately went to a high tea where the waitress curtsied after I signed my name on the check. Perhaps I may have inadvertently scrawled the word “princess” before it.

Bertha— I didn’t think I’d last long as a Bertha.  I answered a few personal ads and nobody would write me back except one man who sarcastically responded, “Boy, I sure dig Bertha.” He asked for my measurements and I replied I didn’t know them, but offered to send him a photo instead. He wrote, “that’s okay, nobody can miss seeing you in Seattle.”  Seattle?  I googled “Bertha, Seattle” and decided that I was keeping this name for the entire day.  I needed to feel down to earth for once.

Mirabelle — I dunno. I always wanted to have “Belle” as part of my name.  Annabelle or Isabelle always captured my fancy, but Mirabelle just suddenly rang a bell.  I went to a different hair salon and wrote my name on the client log. When the stylist called out “Mirabelle” it took three times before I realized that was me, jumped and followed her back to her chair. She looked me over and told me that Mirabelle needed a pixie cut and maybe some spiky bangs. I got panicky and exclaimed, “My name is actually Stephanie!”  She shook her head, laughing. “Yeah, right.” I tossed my long hair indignantly, “Stephanie needs glamorous long curly tresses,” I insisted.  She cocked her head skeptically.  “And maybe some credibility?”  After informing me there was no way I looked like a Stephanie, I pleaded for her to just look me up online, read a few of my blogs, perhaps a Huffington Post.  “Oh,” she said suddenly getting it. “Let’s coax some of those natural gray highlights to show through, dearie.”

Gray? Dearie??  And in that moment, I realized with a long sigh — I would always be “Little Miss Menopause.”

Hey YOU!  What do YOU think is in a name?  Do you get upset when someone can’t remember yours?  UPDATE: As a bonus for leaving me a comment about this piece, if you tell me your first name, I shall tell you what I associate it with.  That’s highly valuable!

Guess Who?

photo (15)Remember the game where you snuck up behind an unsuspecting individual, covered their eyes and shrieked, “Guess who?” If your tuna smelling fingers didn’t give you away, your friend could whip their face around, instantly revealing your identity.

But suppose you could touch someone while staying incognito indefinitely?

Anonymous has been a presence that’s figured prominently throughout my life. Here’s how:

  •  In 2nd grade, a pretty and popular girl in my class received cards throughout the school semester from “Your Secret Pal.” You know those cutesy, colorful ones with little kittens or teddy bears saying things like, “Although you may not know my name, I think you’re terrific just the same!” She barely stopped to read them before running off to play dodge-ball because she was team captain. “Your Secret Pal” was probably shy, couldn’t spell anonymous, and was always chosen last.

 

  •  In 5th grade drama class, an unsigned note was placed on the teacher’s desk nominating me for the part of Dorothy. The ruby shoes were too small, so alas that juicy role went to Becky with the petite feet.

 

  • In middle school, lengthy letters were turned into the principal’s office, citing full names of students who were smoking marijuana in the bushes after school. Anonymous obviously did not want to be known as a ratfink.

 

  • In a college suggestion box for the university’s literary magazine, two stories were submitted as “Author Unknown.” One was published without credit or a bio. Anonymous must’ve thought the writing was either too awful or too fantastic to attach a name.

 

  • In my early 20’s, various anonymous tips were given to the local police department. One led to an apprehension of the thief who abandoned stolen cars. Being a Good Samaritan was dangerous.

 

  • In my late 20’s, I volunteered on a suicide hotline. On my night off, my co-worker answered the phone to a depressed caller who described fantasizing various ways of dying. The call was lost before logging in a name.

 

  • In my early 30’s for three Valentine Days in a row, several of my divorced girlfriends received boxes of chocolate marshmallow hearts left on their doorstep minus a card. They were cheered.

 

  • In my mid 30’s, a bouquet of red roses was delivered to our home on my birthday. It was signed “From Your Secret Admirer.” After a jealous tirade, my husband took up the new hobby of finally sending me flowers. Daffodils were his thing. One year he forgot our anniversary, but when a heart traced into the dust on my car’s windshield suddenly appeared, he was jolted back into the routine.

 

  • In my late 30’s, Anonymous attended 12 step programs. There was one for Eating Disorders, Emotions, Love & Sex, Codependency, and Addictive Personalities. Anonymous sat in the back and rarely spoke.

 

  • In my early 40’s, a therapist friend of mine mentioned she got a frantic email from an account she didn’t recognize, confessing an inability to take care of young children properly. She considered calling her supervisor or a social service bureau but there was no contact information.

 

  • In my mid 40’s, before caller ID, a lot of my married friends received anonymous phone calls with eerie silence. Anonymous probably wanted to hear what went on in their household during the few seconds before they hung up. Or was curious if husband and wife would accuse one another of having an affair.

 

  • In my late forties, anonymous donations were made to various charities. Children’s organizations, animal rescues, breast cancer were a few. Or a local theatre because Anonymous seemed to support the arts. Perhaps Anonymous thought the amounts were embarrassingly small. Or was worried they were large enough that other people would ask to borrow money.

 

  • In my mid-forties, Anonymous left fliers under doormats on cul-de-sacs, suggesting someone start a Neighborhood Watch program. I guess Anonymous didn’t want to be that someone.

 

  • In my late-forties, our large city newspaper published some anonymous letters to the editor taking a strong stand on issues ranging from childhood vaccinations to guns. Anonymous hates confrontation.

 

  • In the last year, comments from “Nobody” have occasionally surfaced on my humor blog. They generally single out a line of dialogue that’s hilarious or refer to me as The Queen of Comedy. They are never EVER unfavorable.

 

  • Now that I’m 50, Anonymous feels the need to claim accountability for more things. A cleansing of the soul, you might call it. An owning up to the past. All things neutral, good, bad or just plain odd.

Anonymous is responsible for six children, an aging mother, a home, a dog named Lola, a car, and a writing career. It’s about time Anonymous took responsibility for herself, don’t you think?

 

How I Shoved Valentines Down Everyone’s Throat!

photo-72And it tasted like Pepto Bismo. For a change of pace, I decided to catch my children off-guard with being festive this year. All it took was sending everyone an “adorable” Valentine’s app and a lot of Splenda packets to conjure up the sweetness in our lives for a day. At least that’s what I thought.  Guess they don’t call them Conversation Candy for nothing! Have a look . . .

Me: photo 4-11

 College Son:

photo 5-9

 Me:

photo 1-16

 College Son:

photo-69

 Me:

photo 3-10 Then my two younger kids chime in.

Daughter 12:

photo 4-12

 Son 10:

photo 5-10

 College Son:

photo 2-17

Me:

photo 3-12

 College Son:

photo 1-18 photo 1-8

Me:

photo 4-7

College Son:

photo 4-4

Me:

photo 3-3 photo 3-7

College Son:

photo 4-9 Sick of this son’s smart retorts, I send a heart to his twin brother with a love greeting . . .

Twin Brother:

photo 1-23

Me:

photo 2-22

Twin Brother:

photo 3-18 Finally my 17 year old daughter (who btw takes 45 minutes to decide what she’s gonna wear in the morning) decides to join in . . .

Daughter 17

photo 4-14

 College Son:

photo 4-16

 Me

photo 1-13

 College Son:

photo 5-6

Me:

photo 1-22 photo 4-15 photo 3-14

College Son:

photo 2-18

Me:

photo 4-5photo 2-9

College Son:

photo 5-4

Me:

photo 1-11

College Son:

photo 2-10

Son 10

photo 3-8 photo 2-13 photo 5-11

Daughter 17

photo 4-17

Me:

photo 3-17

Daughter 17:

photo 2-19

Me:

photo 4-20 photo 5-12

College Son:

photo-71

photo 1-17

Me:

photo 2-16

Frustrated, I decide to send the Valentine app to my boyfriend….

Boyfriend:

photo 4-3

Me:

photo 5-3

Boyfriend:

photo 2-21

Me:

photo 1-20

Boyfriend:

photo 2-20

Me:

photo 3-16

Boyfriend:

photo-70

Desserts backwards = Stressed.  Of course!  And look — this time playing Scramble was HIS idea. At least this confirms I’m with the right guy.

Hope your Valentine’s Day is a little more on task than ours! And now excuse me while I eat my own words…

15 Ways Getting Published & “Fifty Shades of Grey” are Similar!

photo (10)If you want to get published, it takes lots of passion and discipline to send your submission to fifty places. The stress may make you gray. Ironically, “Fifty Shades of Grey” is also all about passion, stress, discipline and submission. But you’ll be surprised to find there’s even more overlap! (Not including Christian Grey bending Ana over-his-lap)

 

  1. Christian Grey knows about ropes and is into Bondage. An editor knows the ropes and is into Beverage. (Red wine or coffee!)
  2. An editor has to scrutinize a submission. Christian Grey has “screwin’ eyes” for a submissive.
  3. Christian Grey’s hands are full of kink. A publisher’s hands are full of ink.
  4. Christian Grey will not tolerate Ana rolling her eyes during their contact. Editors will not tolerate you not dotting all your i’s in your contract.
  5. Christian Grey has masochistic tendencies. An editor has manuscriptic tendencies.
  6. Publishers want to own someone’s copyright. Christian Grey wants to own someone outright.
  7. Editors like to bold text the exciting snippets. Christian Grey likes bold sex and exciting whip-its.
  8. Your editor likes literary fiction, but will turn on you for using the passive voice. Cristian Grey likes friction, literally. And will get turned-on by a passive voice.
  9. Submitting means you want to be published. SUBmitting means you want to be punished.
  10. Most editors won’t like you writing off-the-cuff. Cristian Gray won’t like you, except writhing in handcuffs.
  11. In Fifty Shades of Gray, a safe word will end the pleading. In publishing, it’s safe to say the words “The End” end the reading.
  12. Editors want you to draft many versions. Mr. Grey wants you to drift into many perversions.
  13. Editors will ask how long you’ve been blogging? Mr. Grey will ask how long you want a flogging?
  14. Mr. Grey demands Ana sign a contract to consent to being erotic. An editor demands contact info with your content if she’s being neurotic!
  15. It makes Mr. Grey hard if Ana’s bound, with a nice gag.  Publishers will make a hardbound with a price tag.

Planning An Affair? (Carrying on with someone else when you’re married!)

photo-439Does anyone PLAN an affair? Not a black tie affair with music, food and dancing! This is for my followers who are okay with reading something different from me.  Back soon with some Valentine’s humor.

SO YOU WANT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR . . . 

You want to have an affair. You haven’t even been married long. Wait a sec, are you married or just roommates? You check and yep, your marriage license is in your nightstand drawer. The wedding video that cost $800 is covered with dust. No question — you’ve made a lifelong commitment.

But your current nights certainly give a good impression of being roomies. There’s even a posted schedule of whose turn it is to take out garbage and shop for groceries. Truth be told, you’ve been contemplating the idea of an affair for a long time and not because you’re having a mid-life crisis, envisioning a red sports car in your future.

No, this isn’t about low self-esteem. Quite the opposite. You deserve more. You deserve someone who understands, connects, responds — and “gets” you on a deep level.

You’ve been testing the waters lately, making more intense eye contact with attractive strangers. When they hold your gaze, you’ve felt that elusive thrill from your past. But your thoughts never go beyond this. Until today.

Today a pop-up window appeared for Ashley Madison. Their slogan — “Monogamy is monotony!” Clever. Maybe that’s a sign? Visions of hang-up phone calls, excuses to get milk (when it’s not even your turn!) and seedy motel rooms run through your head. You visit the website and there are many photographs. These people do not look underhanded, sleazy or desperate. They look like…you.

They talk of voids. “Mistakes, regrets and soul-searching” are other buzzwords. Everyone’s profile states they don’t want to change their current marital situation. They don’t want to hurt their lifelong partner or upset the family’s applecart. They just want to supplement their life. And above all, they want discretion.

You are attracted to several of the profiles, but there’s no way to contact them (even to innocently chat) without making a profile of your own. You could easily do this. You have that private email account. And amazingly enough, you have a nice photograph of just you. You wouldn’t even have to crop out someone else’s arm around you. You decide to do it. It’s just a couple hundred words describing your likes and dislikes, no big deal.

You’re careful to phrase things so people understand you haven’t done this before. You’re not a player. You’re just curious about what’s “out there.” When you’re done, you preview it and feel confident you’ll get lots of views and responses. You hesitate just for a moment before you click “Publish” but then do it very matter-of-factly. After all, you want to have an affair. Don’t you?

Later, your spouse is particularly upsetting which justifies your actions. Not listening to anything you say, but instead thinking up the next clever remark to interject while you’re still speaking. You’re tired of being talked over and around, so when you finally go to bed, you’re grateful there’s no talking at all. Carefully staying on your side of the bed, you don’t brush skin. Even accidental cuddling would elicit guilt.

You can’t sleep. Your new online mailbox is all you think about. In the den, the monitor glows eerily and after remembering your password, you’re rewarded (and flattered!) to find 6 new emails. Several of them try to be funny. They try too hard. One goes on and on, obviously totally self-absorbed. Who does that remind you of? One talks about extreme guilt, which you don’t want to be reminded of. Two of them gush over your photo and tell you they’d sleep with you tomorrow.

But really if this was just about sex, you could find that anywhere. After all, you’re attractive. Hell, there’d be zero risk of getting caught if it was just the physical release you were after. You can do that for yourself. And God knows, lately you have. A lot.

No, you’re trying to find that missing connection. You hate the term ‘soulmate’ but admit it fits here. The chemistry must be there, yes, but you’re seeking more. You write back to all six individuals. You ask questions. What brought them here? What are they looking for? What’s wrong with their marriages? You don’t ask anything you wouldn’t answer yourself.

You tell everyone to write back and confess something surprising, even shocking. You spend the next twenty minutes deleting emails, emptying recycle bins, erasing history as your other half sleeps in the next room. This is kind of daring, kind of thrilling and definitely an adventure into the unknown.

The next morning you can’t look your spouse in the eye, but interestingly, there’s no notice taken of that. Everything proceeds as usual and you’re off to work. In your office lobby, you look around and wonder how many people are having secret affairs? From the number of hits on that website, you’d venture 1 in 3 people do this.

Could it be her? Maybe him? Oh! You bet it’s those two over by the ATM machine. Maybe that one is even one of your actual responders… after all, the photo was faraway and blurry. You feel giddy. Your day flies by. You don’t dare check email from work because you’ve heard employers have ways of tracking these things. So you race home to log on and… Jackpot!

Nine new responses and four from the first batch have already written back. As per your request for surprising tidbits, there are some real shockers revealed. Someone is a physician who regularly sleeps with patients. Someone else is happily married and just looking to add a threesome to their routine and someone else has a gambling problem and just lost the house. Interesting how that one original respondent who was so cocky and self-assured hasn’t sent a photograph or admitted anything astonishing. All the rest are okay, but it’s those voids in that particular email that’s most intriguing. You ignore the others and pursue the individual who represents a challenge.

Two weeks pass and you’re wild with desire by the mystery profile. The witty flirtations have been like nothing you’ve experienced, well at least not since you first got married. This person truly “gets” you, which blows your mind because you’re so complicated. Sometimes you don’t even “get” yourself! And after all this time, you haven’t even seen a photograph, but this doesn’t matter because you’re officially obsessed. You can’t believe your spouse hasn’t noticed changes.

Computer time increases three-fold. You’re simultaneously jumpy, edgy, and euphoric. You’ve shopped for the perfect meeting outfit. There’s talk of an out-of-the-way place for cocktails but both people know that’s just a formality. Until you seduce one another physically, mirroring what’s already occurred emotionally online.

Today’s email is especially adorable and funny. An agreement has been made that when you meet, the long awaited photograph will finally be placed in your hand! Kinda ironic because when that happens, you won’t need a photograph. The email also promises you’ll be told what quality about you was initially the most attractive. How fun!

You write back that you can’t wait for this to happen. You delete that because it makes you sound needy. Instead you casually write back “perhaps our paths will cross one day, when we’re least expecting it.” You add that you’ll anticipate a photograph and the compliment when that time comes.

You log off the computer with a yearning sigh. You walk from the den into the next room where you literally bump into your spouse. As you look up into wistful eyes, a photograph is gently slipped into your hand. Your spouse softly whispers, “Hello. It was actually your honesty that originally attracted me the most.”

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/carry/