You Can Fool Some of the People ALL of the time!

April Fool’s is perfect for getting what you want. Forget about lame pranks like switching hardboiled eggs for regular ones as your spouse makes an omelet. Ho hum. I’ve got something much more exciting!

Remember the old adage “In every joke, there’s a grain of truth?”  Well the reverse is also true.  “In every truth, there can be a good joke!” Use the 1st of April to see what’s allowed and where the boundaries actually are.  Uh oh!  Is it backfiring? Are they yelling??  Relax! That’s the beauty of the plan. Simply call on the holiday and shout gleefully, “April Fools!” And all will be forgiven.
 

Meanwhile, you’ll see just how far you can go!  Ready? Follow this easy script below, which happens to hinge on the sexual fantasies of a hypothetical spouse, but you can modify it depending on what you’re trying to get, and from whom! (In this case, an entire makeover and a dream vacation are the goals … heh heh.)

1.    “Hi honey. You know your longtime fantasy where we make our own sex tape? Well I decided to indulge you, but I want to look super hot so I bought a Valentino dress, a pair of Louboutin heels, and had my hair highlighted to see if blondes really do have more fun.”

HIS RESPONSE:  A) Adult movies starring US?  I’m all over that! (Skip to #2) B) WTF? Take all that junk back! (You exclaim, “What’s the matter? Can’t you take a little joke? April Fools!”)

2.   “Oh good! Glad you’re so receptive because I think the perfect place to film is on a cruise ship, so I booked us a 10-day sailing to Greece. Just think, we could even do “it” wearing those orange life vests! Won’t that be colorful?”

HIS RESPONSE:  A) Anchors away, baby! (Skip to #3)  B) I think your brain is already waterlogged Cancel that cruise! (Slap him hard on the back and say, “Aha!  You thought I was serious? Gotcha!”) 

3.   “But I’m nervous about our kinky adventure so I reserved a spa package, with daily massages to help me relax. You don’t want me hyperventilating right before we turn the camera on, do you?”

HIS RESPONSE:  A) Hell no! Why don’t you sign up for private daily yoga and facials too? (Skip to #4)  B) Uh, I don’t think so! I’ll rub your back. You’ll be fine. (Elbow him roughly and say, “Had ya goin’ there for a minute, didn’t I?”)

4.   “Oh dear — if only I felt more confident about my legs. I wanted to wear those lacy thigh-high fishnet stockings you like so much and gosh (look forlornly at calves) well, you know Dr. Pransky, that new cosmetic surgeon all my friends go to…?” (Trail off pathetically here.)
 
HIS RESPONSE:  A) Definitely make an appointment for liposuction and throw in that butt lift you’ve been wanting, baby doll! (Skip to #5) B) What the hell do you think that Stairclimber in our living room is for? (Kick him with your ugly cankle and yell, “Ha-ha, the jokes on you!”)

5.   
“Of course I thought you could also take some sexy pics of me to carry in your wallet — maybe show the guys at work? If only my breasts weren’t so droopy. Sigh. Maybe this whole fantasy thing is a bad idea.  Look wistful and give a pitiful little shimmy.

HIS RESPONSE:
  A) The fellows will be SO jealous. Go ahead, get ‘em done nice n’ perky! (Skip to #6)  B) Nah, you could just wear a push-up bra. You look fine.

6.  
Congratulations. If you’ve gotten this far, the skies the limit!

Why not go for another fantasy? Has he always wanted to have sex on a public beach? I hear Tahiti is lovely this time of year. Have fun and I’ll wave to you on the high seas. (I’ll be the one with the new Gucci purse!)

Don’t have the guts to be this daring? In that case, Happy April 1st and remember to hard boil those eggs between ten and twelve minutes, you fool! Yawn.

In keeping with my “adult theme” April Fool’s Day, please visit me on that great online magazine “In The Powder Room” where I’ve got a brand new list of “R” rated pranks you can play. I would be very grateful for any support you can give there (comments, likes, shares) as it helps me quite a bit!  Click HERE!

Adult Preschool?(Puppets, Painting, & Puzzles . . . Oh My!)

photo 3 (1)Simon Says . . .  Adults go to preschool!  Don’t believe me? Last year the very first preschool for grown-ups (in the world) opened up RIGHT HERE.  So I enrolled. And even though some of my classmates’ arthritis seems to have flared up while finger-painting, we have a blast.

Here’s a typical day’s curriculum.

Morning Circle Time: Calendar – Can you actually remember what day it is? Weather- Let’s look outside and talk about rain. Will your bursitis act up? Stretching – Can you touch your toes? Should you??

Song Time: Wrinkle, Wrinkle Little Scar, If You’re Peppy and You Know It, Middle-Age MacDonald Had an Organic Farm, On Top of Old Fogey, Do Your Boobs Hang Low?`

Sharing Time: Swap good dental plans, a referral for a rheumatologist, or an effective eye cream for crow’s feet!

Show & Tell: We’re proud of ourselves! — Susan cut calories and fat from her meatloaf recipe. Carol got new yoga pants. Richard is finding himself in therapy.

Snack Time: Non-GMO kale chips sprinkled with Metamucil and lactose-free skim milk.

Playground Time: Today we’re hanging from monkey bars to tighten flabby arms.

Arts ‘n Crafts: Use Play-Doh to form heel inserts or arch supports, String beads to make chains/necklaces for our reading glasses.

Story Time: Goodnight Prune, Poky Little Progesterone, The Little Pension That Could

Block Time:  Who can build the highest tower with their prescription bottles and diuretic containers?

Nap Time: Bring your own orthopedic pillow.

Nursery Rhyme Time:  Jack & Jill went Over the hill — Mary, Mary, still eating dairy! — Hickory, dickory dock, We can’t turn back the clock.

Closing Circle Game: “I spy with my little eye . . .  some bad hair dye, facelift gone awry, elbows that are dry, someone no longer spry!”photo 2 (5)

In the few weeks since I’ve attended class, I’ve noticed slight changes at home with my own children. Here, listen in and see for yourself.

12-Year-Old Daughter:  (on her cell) Can’t you see I’m on the phone? How many times have I told you it’s not polite to interrupt?

Me: It’s just that I have a headache. Could you keep it down?

12-Year-Old Daughter: Don’t you take that tone with me! You’re just cranky because you haven’t eaten.

Me:  You’re right.  We should go out for salads.

10-Year-Old Son:  When we want your opinion, we’ll ask for it.

Me: (hanging head) Sorry.

10-Year-Old son:  Look at me when I’m speaking to you. If you can get your shoes on before I can count to three, maybe we’ll go for pizza.

Me:  Oh goody.  Can I get a diet coke?

12-Year-Old Daughter:  We’ll see.

At restaurant:

Me: (Checking out some cute guys at the next table) Wow!

17-Year-Old Daughter: You can look at those things, but don’t touch.

Me: (taking out my calorie counter book, kitchen scale, and diet salad dressing in container) I wonder what I can order that’s on my Weight Watcher’s plan.

17-Year-Old Daughter: (to Waiter)  I apologize for her behavior.  She’s special needs.  ADHD. (Annoying Dame Having Dinner)

All in all, I think I’ll stick with my new preschool program because I finally know what I want to be when I grow up . . . a five-year-old.  Hey, it can happen!

Is youth wasted on the young? How long do you give this new business? What’s Your favorite memory from this age?  Or just leave me an original comment.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/learning/

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When Their Turn-Ons Are Your Turn-Offs!

photo (22)There’s something sexually explicit (and illicit!) going on with your mobile device! It’s called Kindu and it’s a Smartphone app with the above image being a screenshot from just one brilliant suggestion it gave me.

Kindu was my inspiration for a humor article I’ve just had published RIGHT HERE, but which is probably a tad too racy for my regular followers — so you’ll need to depart from my blog to read it. The website put it under the category “Getting Naughty” but I don’t know how naughty you can actually get when you still use vocabulary like “naughty.”

I hope you get some laughs and will leave me some comments at the risqué and edgy website called BLUNTmoms because it will greatly benefit me. Indeed next time around, I hope they’ll hire me to write a piece called, “How Toaster Ovens Can Help You Get Lucky, Even Without a Bagel in Sight!”

Meanwhile here are the easy directions for Kindu should you ever venture into installation territory.

Using Kindu is as simple as 1-2-3.

1) Rate the sexual idea as either “definitely”, “no thanks” or “maybe.”

2) Next, let your partner privately rate the same series of ideas on their own cellphone.

3) Kindu cross-matches your responses and lists ideas you both rated as “Definitely” or “Maybe” in a common category.

The beauty is if your partner gave a “no thanks” to something that you rated positively, they will never know. Therefore with Kindu, your SICK (I added that part!) secrets are safe. Kindu only reveals fantasies that both you and your partner agree on.

SO NOBODY HAS TO KNOW WHAT A TWISTED PERSON YOU ARE!

Have sex in my garage?!!  The Kindu authors must have known there's a cardboard Eiffel tower in there. (Don't ask why!) How romantic!

Have sex in my garage?!! The Kindu authors must have known there’s a cardboard Eiffel tower in there. (Don’t ask why!) How romantic!

Well, suffice it to say, “I can kinda do Kindu.”  But not without some funny side affects and consequences. Again, you can read about it all right HERE!

On a much cleaner topic than both the sexual post and my garage, (but still closely related to electronics and the online world) — please also join me on a terrific webzine called, “Mrs. Muffintop” as I delve into what goes through the mind of a computer Hacker as they peruse your personal and private email accounts! Just CLICK HERE. And comments there are most welcome as well!

And as always, thank you for supporting humor that occasionally goes sideways. Okay, alright, completely upside-down.

Naughtily yours,

Stephanie, AKA Little Miss Menopause

Come to a Commercial Character Cocktail Convention!

tv-commercial-break-workouts-img-15684 (1)Don’t change that channel!  The guest list is distinctive, the drinks flowing, the rumors flying – – we join our gathering in full swing. Who might you recognize and remember??

Doublemint Twin:  Don’t look now, but I think Colonel Sanders is totally chicken you out!

Sun-Maid Raisin Girl: Oh gawd — not him! That’s not sour grapes.  He’s just so old, I should introduce him to my Aunt.

Doublemint Twin:  How is Jemima these days?  She was always so sweet.

Sun-Maid Raisin Girl:  She got herself in a sticky situation with her gal pal, Mrs. Butterworth.

Doublemint Twin:  I could fix one of them up with my Uncle Ben. He’d love to get married and get rice thrown at him! If they’re not careful, they’ll both end up old maids.

Sun-Maid Raisin Girl: (sniffs) Maid?!  Go ahead — rub Salt in my wounds.

Morton Salt Girl: Ladies, I couldn’t help but overhear my name?

Doublemint Twin:  Oh please, take it with a grain of you know what.

Morton Salt Girl: Let’s dish about Betty Crocker. I heard she has a bun in the oven, doesn’t that just take the cake?

Sun-Maid Raisin Girl: Shhh, she’s coming! Betty! I love the necklace… it’s the icing on the cake.

Betty Crocker:  Oh c’mon, You don’t have to stop talking on my account. I know there’s six layers of gossip tonight. But I thought of a name. If it’s a boy, it’s gonna be Gerber. I always wanted a Gerber baby!

Culligan Lady – – Mind if I join in?  Who’s the father? I hope it’s not some drip.

Betty Crocker: Don’t ask. He’s all washed-up in this town. Did the dirty deed, then vanished faster than you can say ‘Spic n’ Span.’

Morton Salt Girl: (whispering to Double-Mint)  Who’s the Daddy??  Some germaphobe?

Doublemint Twin: Yes, it’s none other than Mr. Clean.ty-d-bolmrclean

Morton Salt Girl: (gasps) Oh! But I heard last week he finally came clean. Admitted he scrubs and scours both ways and then tore off with the Tidy Bowl Man!

Betty Crocker: (cheeks flushing) Why don’t you run off and play with The Little Dutch Boy. Yes, all true ladies. And please no puns about toilet paper. They’re all just tearable! I can’t spare a square.

Mr. Whipple: I disagree, you seem to be on a roll. Let’s keep a soft spot in our hearts for that topic. Meanwhile, I’d be willing to make an honest woman out of you, Betty.  A man always has room for dessert.

Doublemint Twin:  Oh please Sir, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Betty Crocker: Take your hands off my baby bump, Mr. Whipple! If it’s a girl, her name is Charlotte. Please don’t squeeze the Charlotte!

Culligan Lady: Well nice chatting with you all, but I see someone I know. I could sure go for a long, tall drink of water. Hey Culligan Man!

Mr. Whipple: Wow, that’s one thirsty broad!

Coppertone Girl: Hey ladies!  Check-out the guy on the sofa. He’s smoking hot!

Josephine the Plummer: That’s the Marlboro Man.  I’d take the plunge with him any day.

Betty Crocker:  Which guy?  Point him out to me. I always thought the Marlboro Man and I would be the perfect match. I’d love to strike up a conversation.

Coppertone Girl:  He’s the one with the great tan. He’s sitting directly at 9:00.

Madge the Manicurist: Well 9:00 has a 5:00 shadow. And The Marlboro Man can’t hold a candle to The Michelin Man. He’ll drive a gal crazy. Personally, I tire out just imagining it. But you should tread lightly. With him, the squeaky wheel always gets the oil, if you know what I mean. Mmm, oil.  Softens hands while you do dishes.

Betty Crocker:  Oh Madge, you’re so funny. And what’s that you’re dipping your celery in?

Madge The Manicurist:  Ranch dressing.  You’re soaking in it.

Josephine The Plummer: (coughing) Excuse me, something just went down the wrong pipe. But it was delicious. Who’s the caterer?

Betty Crocker: Chef Boyardee.  But I heard that Gorton the Fisherman did the salmon pate.  Now he’s a real catch. I’d fall for him hook, line and sinker.

Doublemint Twin:  OMG Betty, you’ve got your spatula in everyone’s batter.  I don’t think you even know who the father of your little cupcake is.

Betty Crocker: It’s not like I did the whole Geek Squad! Goodness, these rolls are scrumptious, but I daresay the butter has too much cholesterol.

Madge the Manicurist:  Give it to Mikey. He eats everything!

Mother Nature: If you think it’s butter, but it’s not . . . it’s Chiffon!

Madge the Manicurist: It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature. Did you get a facelift?

Mother Nature:  Well, how dare you!

Jake From Statefarm:  Hi, what are you wearing?

Brooke Shields:  Nothing gets between me and my Calvins!

Alfred E. Neuman: (on loudspeaker)  Welcome Everyone. Don’t get MADD at my little announcement but you’re all officially out of work.  Some of you may even be dead. The votes are in and the networks are going with Commercial-Free television from now on.

All Commercial Characters:  Noooooooo!

Alfred E. Neuman: Now see, if you’d been a character in a print magazine (like me!) none of you would be concerned right now.  “What, me Worry?”

Boos and jeers abound as a violent food fight breaks out when Orville Redenbacher brings out the popcorn.

photo (20)And today is my birthday which means it’s time to announce the winners for The Blogcademy Awards!  Thanks to everyone for participating in my yearly event.

The winner for the Best Selfie (with blog in the picture) is Donna Gwinnell Lambo-Weidner and you can see her highly creative Selfie right here

The winner for Best Song is Marissa Bergen and here are her original humorous lyrics!

When it comes to blogging I’m the Cat’s Pajamas
And they call me the Rock N’ Roll Supermama
Cynical sarcastic subtle and sublime
And I got it in the pocket with the fattest rhymes
And if you haven’t got it yet, this is my song
With a guitar and a beat you’ll be singing along
So I know the Bloscar will go to me
Cause I got it when it comes to originality
And you know i got credentials, I come highly recommended
So thanks for the iTunes gift card, I’ll just tell you where to send it.

CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF YOU and please email Little Miss Menopause at  thequotegal@yahoo.com with a way to send your prize!

And finally, if anyone can go HERE  to vote for me, maybe I’ll win a silly prize myself.  It takes literally one second. Thank you!

Difference Between 1st & 6th Child’s Baby Memory Book!

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Okay, okay I plead guilty to Baby Book Slacking!  But it was self-defense. Should we put mothers on trial for omitting crucial information from subsequent children’s baby books?  Wouldn’t the father be an accomplice?

So I got a little lazy?  Besides, who really ever reads these books anyhow? It’s not like they’re headed straight for the New York Times Best Yeller Seller list, are they?  Number six child is lucky she got any kind of handwritten documentation out of me at all.  She could’ve just had a copy of the below dog-eared book shoved in a keepsake box (or an empty Lucky Charms cereal carton) along with some loose teeth and a lock of hair. And it could’ve been the dog’s teeth and hair. Give me some credit!images (2)But just for the sheer fun of shaming me, let’s take a quick looksy at the differences, shall we?  Of course, the First page of all Baby Memory Books always starts off with the classic Family Tree. Important stuff!

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PAGE FROM FIRST CHILD’s BOOK!

Above is a beautiful specimen, sure to be treasured through the years.  But nothing beats the creativity of the sixth child’s Family Tree below.photo 1 (5)

As I further compare and contrast books — all information from First Child’s Baby Memory Book will be in Blue Font.  Whereas Sixth Child’s info (what little there is) will be in Pink Font. 

BABY’S NAME:  Benjamin       

SIGNIFICANCE OF NAME:  Your Dad and I bonded over watching actor, Benjamin Bratt in the television series, “Law & Order.”  On our honeymoon, we kissed in front of the Big Ben clock in London!

BABY’S NAME:  Lacey      

SIGNIFICANCE OF NAME:  I wanted to remember my favorite vintage blouse which got ruined when morning sickness made me vomit all over the Chantilly applique collar and sleeves. Tsk, Tsk!

HOW LABOR BEGAN:  – We were shopping for nursery furniture when I felt a mild twinge so we rushed to the hospital. The labor and delivery nurses thought we were so cute and sent us back home three different times until the pains came closer together.

HOW LABOR BEGAN:  At Disneyland, my water broke on Splash Mountain. Nobody would believe me. Your siblings insisted we stay for the Electrical Light Parade. Sitting curbside while writhing in pain, I was suddenly seized by a huge contraction which made me kick an extension cord out of an outlet. The entire park plunged into darkness.

THESE WONDERFUL INDIVIDUALS WERE PRESENT FOR YOUR BIRTH: Nana, Papa, Aunt Carol, Uncle Gary, Great Grandma Ethel, my wonderful obstetrician Dr. Pransky and of course, your Daddy!

THESE WONDERFUL INDIVIDUALS WERE PRESENT FOR YOUR BIRTH:  Pluto and a Dwarf. 

FAVORITE STUFFED ANIMAL:  A darling lavender poodle who sleeps in a doghouse on your dresser.

FAVORITE STUFFED ANIMAL:   A dust bunny who hangs out under your crib.

Time for Baby’s First Hand & Foot Prints.  Awww…. 

photo (18)

Though not depicted below, 6th Baby does possess a complete set of Hands and Feet!  I thought leaving that to the imagination was a nice touch.

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Yes, 6th Baby WAS nicknamed SpongeBob SquareToes for quite some time.

YOUR FIRST SOLID FOOD:  Mashed banana, rice puree and strained spinach

YOUR FIRST SOLID FOOD:  A piece of What’s His Name’s  bean, rice, cheese and guacamole burrito, french fries, a diet coke. 

FIRST WORDS:  Mama, Dada, light, doggy, ball, cookie, more!

FIRST WORDS:  Help! Valium, postpartum depression, Crème Brûlée, Weight Watchers!

YOU BEGAN TO USE YOUR HANDS AT   6 months      THIS IS WHAT YOU DID:  You reached out tentatively for a colorful rattle shaped like a butterfly!

YOU BEGAN TO USE YOUR HANDS AT   2 years       THIS IS WHAT YOU DID:  You shoved a pen and this Baby Memory Book into my arms and looked expectantly into my eyes. 

Story time together is such a delight. Here are your favorite books and now they’re mine, too!

 Pat the Bunny         Green Eggs & Ham       Where The Wild Things Are!      If You Give A Mouse A Cookie!              

I’m so sick of these stupid books, I’ve taken creative license with the titles. Also, you’re getting more astute and have started wondering why every book consists of only two pages and then we chant triumphantly “The End!” Here’s your faves:

Splat The Bunny        Green Eggs & Scram        Where the Reviled Things Are!         If You think Your Mom is kooky!              

FIRST LULLABYE:  Rockabye Baby, I sing it to you in the rocking chair

FIRST ALIBI:  I couldn’t have sung to you because I became tone deaf. Plus we used the rocking chair for kindling wood during a family camp out.

FIRST OUTING:  We went to the park and you experienced your very first swing.             

FIRST SHOUTING:  You got to listen to your dad and I argue (over emptying the dishwasher) and experienced my first mood swing.               

And the Last Page always ends with such independence!

FIRST WALK:   You took three steps and we all applauded for you!   FIRST WAVED:  You’re off to preschool already – – turned and waved to me “Bye-bye!”  Good job! Where did all the time go??          

There were some “small time gaps” in Sixth Child’s book, but I DID finish the last page:

FIRST JOCK:  You’re a cheerleader now dating the high school quarterback!  FIRST SHAVED:  Your legs look smooth and silky. You’re off to college already?  “Bye-bye!”  Good job! Where did all the time go??

How Captain Von Trapp Chose Between Maria and The Baroness

sound of musicAt long last, we’ve discovered a never seen before authentic “Pros and Cons” list inside the props box from The Sound of Music set. The Captain wrote it to help decide which woman to make his wife and the new mother of his 7 children. Let’s peek, shall we?

Baroness Elsa

PROS

1. She’s got that classy, reserved icy blond, Austrian nobility thing going on. I’m up for the challenge of making her bleat like a mountain goat! 2. Says wise and profound things. “Somewhere out there is a lady who I think will never be a nun.” I wonder what she’d say if she knew I was hoping for a nun who will never EVER be a lady? 3. Easy to end a date with. You don’t have to launch into a whole song and dance routine, “So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, au revoir, sayonara, shalom, etc.” It’s just “bye-bye bitch.”

CONS

1. Not a performer and she’s a bit selfish. I doubt she’d walk out to finish my song for me if I were to break down on stage in the middle of lyrics I know like the back of my hand. 2. She doesn’t really care for yodeling. Which means my best joke will be lost on her. “Knock-knock. Who’s There? Lil Ole Lady. Lil Ole Lady Who?” Ha ha ha! 3. Given half a chance, she’ll send all 7 of my children to Boarding School. Wait, this goes on the pros list.

Fraulein Maria

PROS

1. I sure would like to handle a problem like Maria. I fantasize about being her personal troubleshooter. 2. Has a mathematician background and counts like nobody’s business.  “You are 16 going on 17.” Maybe one day she’ll star in a movie called “10” and introduce me to Bo Derek. 3. Won’t be a chronic dieter like my buddy’s wives. The only scales she’s obsessed with are Do-Re-Mi. 4. I love a woman who’s easy to buy for on Valentine’s or Mother’s Day. I have my list for Maria for the next 5 years. 1. Bright copper kettles. 2. Crisp apple strudel 3. Warm woollen mittens. And I don’t even have to giftwrap (brown paper packages tied up with strings) Easy to please. Aww screw it. Something tells me she’d be just as happy if I didn’t cut the whiskers off kittens. 5. Somewhere in her youth or childhood, she must’ve done something good.  She deserves me! photo (16) 6. Ever see anyone blush like that? I bet she’ll make a beautiful blushing bride. Of course that could be because the train on her wedding gown will be so long and heavy, half of Salzburg will have to carry it down the aisle for her. 7. Whenever there’s a thunderstorm, she’ll invite people into our bed. Mmm, I like me some kink.

CONS

1. She brought music back into the house. And now my kids play the Top 40 at decibels that would blow the roof off a Nazi regime. 2. Obsessed with puppets. Which means she thinks she can pull my strings. 3. She’s not great with names. Keeps forgetting “Kurt.” How will I feel if one night in bed she moans (off key) and says, “Mmm, that feels so good. God bless you, Whatsyourname?” 4. Tea, a drink with jam and bread. Seriously woman? Every single solitary time? I’m a Starbucks shareholder. 5. Hates whistles. I suppose that twisted Snow White fantasy I have of her singing, “Just Whistle While You Work” while sweeping the front porch in a Nun’s habit is out of the question? 6. She might force me to wear boxers she stitches from our dining room blinds. Yeah, but that’s an easy fix. Sell her Singer. It’ll be curtains for that sewing machine of hers! Hey!  As long as I’m considering Thrifty Recycling Movie Heroines, I know a racy raven-haired vixen who also made her gown out of the living room drapes. Maybe there’s a 3rd option here. Who says I can’t be a Cross-Film Actor and marry . . .

Scarlett O’Hara

PROS

1.  That 18 inch waist 2. Never worries about anything — she’ll think about it tomorrow. We all know what “it” is. Heh heh.

CONS

1. Oh who the hell cares anymore?  Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Any woman who can tilt her head like this without a neck ache is the one for me!

Any woman who can tilt her head like this without a neck ache is the one for me!

       

 

 

 

 

Please visit me on The Huffington Post to see why I think publishing is similar to Fifty Shades of Grey right HERE

Did I Mention My Invention Convention?

next great ideaIf you can’t be a famous Blogger, you might as well become a well-known Inventor, right? I come from a long line of innovative Idea People. In fact my great, great grandmother was the first person to cook her stuffing INSIDE the turkey at Thanksgiving.  You can thank her for having one less pot to wash each year.

But every time I come up with something mega clever, I Google it and sure enough, someone has already beaten me to it.  And with wild success, I might add.  Are there no more original ideas left?

Complaining to my attorney friend (who always has a runny nose and never any tissues)  that I can’t afford to patent or register/trademark my ingenuity, he told me all I need do is write down my idea, mail it to myself through the U.S. postal service and save the unopened envelope.  He then sneezed and wiped it on his sleeve.  Eww.  I wrote down, “Man’s necktie made out of handkerchief material,” sent it off and when it arrived, I stuck it unopened in my sock drawer.  Easy Peasy, Lemon Squeasy! (I invented that phrase, by the way.)

Before I get to my sock drawer day in court, here are some of the other inventions I’ve had and the people who’ve ruined them.

1.  Prego Poetry: The first time I was “with child,” I decided it would be nifty to market a book of poetry, specifically designed for reciting to a woman’s pregnant abdomen. The book came with a special microphone that brought the words straight to the ears of the developing baby as it was held up like a reverse stethoscope to the mother’s tummy. There were calming and self-esteem enhancing rhymes like, “Dear baby fetus, we can’t wait till you meet us!” or “We hope you’ll be kind, smart and cuter than us, when you decide to emerge from the uterus.” This invention backfired when my ex-husband reported that all his sports-nut buddies used the uterine mic to shout football scores into their wive’s stomaches, startling all the unborn babies, and thus defeating the purpose.

2.  The Tush Cush: When my twins began to toddle around on our hardwood floors, I noticed their little bottoms became bruised from falling down so much. Of course this led to a cute animal-shaped pillow that velcroed onto the rear of baby’s little rompers.  It was my fantasy to sell the Tush Cush to a company called Osh Kosh to softly pad every child’s rear end across America. I could just see my face plastered in every Sear’s catalogue.  Then my 2nd ex husband pointed out that a competitor came up with something brilliant that would pull the rug right out from under me. It was called, “Carpet.”

3. Embracelets: After scratching my daughter on the face with my crystal bangle during a snuggling session, the idea of soft velvet jewelry shields was born. To protect children during hugs. I called these covers, “Embracelets” and though they were kinda ugly, they slipped easily over your wrist to guard against sharp bling. My mother smiled smugly and said simply, “Of course you could just invent removable jewelry.” Darn her!

4. The Zoom Room Broom! A ride-on toy that vacuums as the child scoots it across the floor. Phenomenal!  “Aren’t baby’s afraid of vacuum noise?” my nosy girlfriend Tiffany asked, luckily before I spent hundreds on prototypes. I then switched to the “Crawl-a-Mop” but as you can see below….

Someone always gets there first!

Someone always gets there first!

 

5. It’s High Time You Climb! This was a portable staircase that could hook up to a changing table or a crib so if you had a bad back, you needn’t lift a heavy baby. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but by the time a child can climb stairs, wouldn’t he be using a toilet and sleeping in a regular bed?” asked some know-it-all teacher at my kid’s preschool.

6. The Teddy Placenta – – A cute bear to cuddle with.  Nobody wanted to part with their baby’s precious placenta — they were all saving it for some silly cord blood banking gimmick.

7. The No Crawl In the Stall, Hang From The Wall Shawl – – What holds your baby when you need to pee in a public restroom? (Certainly you don’t want them crawling on that dirty floor!)  A shawl with a large pouch that hangs on the bathroom stall’s purse hook, that’s what!  Okay, so there were a few liability issues.

8. The Why You Cry?An electronic gadget that analyzed baby’s screams and could tell you if he was hungry, tired or sick. Instead it kept reporting, “Nothing is wrong. It’s just your genetics!”

Then came my crowning glory.  I knew this one would make millions!

9. The Activi-Tee – – a blouse for new mothers which had toys, rattles, buttons, and colorful spinning wheels sewn on the front. New mothers wear it to keep their infants busy when they have to sit on their laps for long periods of time, like at a doctor’s office or the DMV (because us moms always have to go to the DMV, don’t we?) or anytime you need to keep them occupied.

I made a sample shirt, gave it to my friend Tiffany (she’s obnoxious but gorgeous!) to wear one morning when she lost her childcare and had to bring her baby to the office. She told me the shirt worked okay, but might need a little work. Next thing I know, there’s a big advertisement in a parenting magazine for MY shirt. It’s MINE. They changed the name to “Busy Bee Tee,” but we all know what’s going down here, don’t we??

I file a lawsuit and rush down to small claim’s court with my sock drawer full of envelopes, triumphantly waving them in front of the judge’s nose (which is runny, btw) as he puts on his glasses and begins to peruse my claim to fame.

Oh yeah. And I bring Tiffany as my eyewitness.

Judge Herb ItAllBefore asks the plagiarizer/thief,  defendant, where she was when she first conceived of this tee-shirt idea. She states, “The DMV.” I snort loudly. Right, like how many moms frequent the DMV?

“It seems the plaintiff is a little mixed up in these matters,” says Judge Herb, wrinkling his brow while holding up my envelopes. “The idea is not to open your self-addressed stamped envelope, read the contents and then write yourself a flattering letter back, complementing your clever idea.”

“I was lonely that day,” I defended. “Haven’t you ever laughed at your own jokes?”

“That’s different. I’m funny.” He frowns. “In this letter here, you even remind yourself to buy more postage stamps and orange juice. And in this letter here, you’ve mailed yourself the Serenity Prayer.” He sneezes – – it comes out sounding like “Fruitcake.”

I wisely decide not to offer him my necktie made out of a handkerchief.

Will HER Endeavor Ever Be As Clever? Never!!

He then asks to see my prototype, which Tiffany had the good sense to wear. She models it, flaunting her well-proportioned body in front of the cute bailiff.

“I’m sorry,” Judge Herb says, “But I think the defendant has built a better mousetrap.” I shudder because I hate rodents.

“But your Honor,” I interrupt. “All she did was reinvent the wheel.”

“Well, at least she didn’t sew two colorful, spinning wheels right over her friend’s nipples!” he points and everyone stares. I look at Tiffany, still parading around the courtroom and she mouths, “Told you it needed some work.”

“I’ve made my decision,” he says firmly, raising his gavel. “You’re a nut who has conversations with yourself via the U.S. Postal Service. You’re menopausal and probably having a mid-life crisis. And you went through all of this just to get some good blogging material, didn’t you??”

“Guilty as charged,” I say as I log onto WordPress and begin to furiously type.  Who wants to be an inventor??  I’m gonna be a famous blogger….

dog toilet

 

 

 

 

 

So that’s my story. What ideas have YOU had that might get you on Shark Tank??