Gee Mom, You’re NOT What I Ordered!


Do NOT choose me if you throw your clothes on the floor, kid!

Do NOT choose me if you throw your clothes on the floor, kid!

Many people believe that before conception, babies are actually able to pick out exactly which mother they would like to be born to. There must be a catalogue of some sort that the “man upstairs” presents them with so they can make an educated choice.

In honor of Mother’s Day coming up soon, I’d like to share just a partial glimpse with you now:

 Mommy Menu

(New selections added every Sunday)

Mommy #6,035 – A frugal female but a good cook so you won’t go hungry. After weaning you from the breast, (at age 4) she’ll whip up culinary masterpieces with a bottle of hot sauce, cupcake sprinkles and some beef jerky, which she purchased with expired coupons. Quick tempered, won’t put up with unmade beds, smart mouths, or even pierced ears. But you’ll never hear, “Because I said so.” Currently single, but actively looking for a husband – so please like adventure. Note: Must buy own car and pay for college with this model of mother.

Mommy #27,686,235 – You’ll have four older siblings and always be considered “the oops” baby. She’s endearingly “scatterbrained” which is a nice way of saying you better have an affinity for cold chicken nuggets, Halloween costumes that are actually old sports uniforms, and be able to do your laundry at age six. Make that four. She’ll beg you to arrange your own carpool to and from baseball practice. (Uses the term “carpool” loosely since she’ll regularly forget when it’s her turn to drive.) Learn to be ultra polite so her more “together” friends will feel sorry for you and step in to help. There’s a Mother Code for that. Bonus: Your older brother is totally cool and makes the high school swim team which means you’ll always have a pool in your backyard!

Mommy # 18,633 – Control freaks unite. You’ll be a homebirth, your cord blood will be banked, she’ll grind her own baby food, and color code the Legos. Also nobody touches you without wearing full scrubs and mask. And this is at your Bar Mitzvah. Your house will be spotless and she might even sterilize your tallywhacker before you masturbate. When you’re 17, she’ll have a nervous breakdown and repetitively utter the mantra, “Always secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others.” She’ll make the perfect scapegoat when you’re in therapy for the rest of your life.

Mommy #312 – You’ll hit the jackpot with self-help books when you’re raised by this version of Mama. Postpartum depression, binge-eater, germaphobe, co-dependent, OCD, emotional intensity disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, histrionic personality disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, reactive attachment disorder, arachnophobia, and fear of flying. Plus she’ll start a blog about motherhood, which she’ll title, “Does This Straight Jacket Make Me Look Fat?”

Mommy # 318,206 — This one has the perfect nanny all interviewed so she’s ready to go back to her legal career in six weeks. But if you’re a real charmer, she’s gonna feel guilty and you just may snag yourself a full-time, super smart mother who will ask you to cite statutes and precedents when you ask for cookies and milk. Full Disclosure: She will constantly remind you what she gave up to raise you.

Mommy #1 – “The Perfect Mother.” Sorry, but this style is currently out of stock. Actually Perfect Mothers sat in the warehouse for thousands of years so they were all sent back to the factory. No baby ever requests a perfect mother because – – what’s the fun in that? Children are the best teachers and they just want a mommy who has open arms, heart, mind and soul. And a ton of LOVE to give, in return for all they’ll receive.

50 thoughts on “Gee Mom, You’re NOT What I Ordered!”

  1. BTW, Stepnanie, I thought it was safe to write this comment now, nobody but you should ever see it. (And my mother was not #666131366613, but it does so happen I met one while working with adults with disabilities many years ago. It was hard to believe any mother could do the things she was doing to her son, he truly believed he was born with a disability even after his mother was carted off to jail. I lost track of him after the trial, but I do hope he discovered he was not the person his mother made him out to be.

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  2. Am I 8 months late, or 4 months premature? This post came up on my MORE ON WORDPRESS.COM so of course I had to read it. First, you forgot Mommy #666131366613 the Munchausen-by-Proxy mom who will use her child’s health to get every ounce of attention she can generate. The Munchausen-by-Proxy mom never reveals herself beforehand, and can never believe she is doing anything wrong anyway. This Mom is the perfect mom, if you want to punish yourself for whatever reason in some previous life…
    Meanwhile, just to correct your intro, the baby-to-be actually selects both parents, even if daddy is just a sperm-donor who disappears right after delivering the sperm. Especially for Mommy #318,206, the daddy might be the real attraction…

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      • Lmao. Hashtags go before the subject your post is relating to, so readers who like to read posts on those subjects can see them when they go to that hashtagged word to find tweets on those subjects. Don’t start a tweet with a hashtag. Remember, if you are directing a tweet to someone in particular, start your tweet with @(whomever) and it is sent to that (or those, if multiple) people specifically. If you tweet and later add the @(whomever) your tweet is live to everywhere and the @ usually refers to the person you want to mention about whatever you’re tweeting about in that post. Confused? Of course you are, so, you know where to find me. 🙂

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  5. I suppose that as much as we might think about number #1 you are absolutely right. That would be some book I would imagine. Thankfully by now I suspect there is a app for that. Through it all our kids will look back with an entirely new outlook. You are such a good mom numbered in some multiple of 18 I suspect. May we be thankful for the choice WE made so long ago. Truly a funny article.

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    • This was the best mother’s day gift ever – – hearing from you THREE times in a row, Wendy! I’m still learning too. When does class let out???? I think you’re a fabulous mother and I hope it’s filled with joy, light and love!
      hugs,
      Steph

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  9. This is so funny! Thanks for starting my day off with a good laugh Steph! My excuse is that I wasn’t born a mother and learnt (still learning) as I went along. Unfortunately, they were the guinea pigs. Despite that and part from some twitches, they appear to be well adjusted. At least, I think so. Happy Mother’s Day to you on the 10th!

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  10. Love this Steph! So funny! My excuse is that I was not born a mother … I learnt as I went along and unfortunately, they were the guinea pigs. Apart from a few twitches, they appear to have survived my mode of motherhood. Thanks for my morning laugh!

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  13. This is funny, well observed and touching.

    The best day of my life was when my offspring (now adults) both apologised for their shocking behaviour (having discovered old videos of their childhoods) and thanked me for being a good role model (despite claiming I was “never there for them” while growing up.

    Thank you.

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        • Well that is a most welcome thought.
          Mind you, this morning, my sons, nieces and nephews all got together in my kitchen and created a most wonderful brunch for my sisters, my mother and me. I’ll take that for now and hope that the whole “good role model thing” comes later… 😀

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    • Actually that gives me a great deal of hope. Thank you for giving me a personal glimpse of insight just now.. Sometimes the paved road seems to lead to bumpy emptiness at the end. You give it your all and they move out and say, “See ya! It’s been fun. Sorta.”

      Happy Mother’s Day!
      Steph

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  14. I got Mommy #101,834. A single mother who divorced the laziest man in the state of Alabama. She was working class poor. Her only vice was a cigarette and a cup of coffee. She never met a stranger. And she worked her hands to the bone trying to put food on the table for her two young’uns.

    Just have one thing to follow that with. Wait till you see what I have coming on Mother’s Day. I am revealing an age-old secret.

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  20. LMM, I love this post! So much fun. Love that all the perfect mothers were out of stock and not made anymore because they’re too boring. That’s a perfect ending!

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