Me: Oh my goodness, congratulations! When did you get married?
Friend: I didn’t. I just finally had to start wearing this diamond so guys wouldn’t disturb me in the supermarket.
Me: (Blank Stare)
Friend: You know — so they know that I’ve been taken.
Me: Been taking what? Benadryl?
I discreetly gave Tiffany my gal-pal, the once over while wondering about the accuracy of her statement. Seriously? Yes, she’s attractive in that well-preserved apricot jam type of way, but really? Are there actually women who have so many men coming on to them that they cannot concentrate enough to knock on watermelons or end up rereading the same line of their grocery list due to the ever-present distraction of having to decline dinner dates?
Who were all these males that Tiffany (and apparently others) were giving the proverbial (ring) finger to? I just had to find out.
Little Miss Menopause Interviews Men About Jewelry
Me: Thanks for helping me with my research, guys! So what do you think about the Engagement Band?
Guy: (Mid-20’s) Do they play pop-rap or alternative rock?
Me: No, I’m talking about a real rock. You know, the kind women wear on their left hand to send signals to men?
Guy: (Mid-40’s) The only signal I get is to take out the trash.
Guy: (Early 30’s) Which body part does your wife wear the garbage thing on? I think mine’s got on a “mow the lawn” anklet.
Me: Now now, there’ll be no strategic chopping off of appendages, please. Alright so do you find a ring on a woman to be a strong deterrent?
Guy (Mid-20’s) You mean like Tide or Gain?
Me: You just listen from now on, okay?
Obviously my Jewelry focus group for men is going nowhere and the subject is getting more confusing, so bear with me as I change the format to . . .
5 Tips About Important Jewelry Everyone Should Know
- Symbolic — Since women are putting wedding rings on when they’re unattached and men are taking wedding rings off when in fact they ARE very married, nowadays this golden loop most likely stands for total random nonsense. Instead everyone should display Zoo ticket receipts. If you haven’t been to a zoo recently, then you’re unmarried. Trust me on this.
- Promise Rings — Men who give women this particular piece of jewelry are in actuality saying, “Promise that after you wear this, you’ll still be interested in sex” Women who give a promise ring to their husband should insist he recite these words as he slips it on: “I hereby promise not to remove my real wedding ring when I see a hot blonde.”
- Family Heirlooms — We get it, you want her to think you’re super sentimental. But Great Grandma Pearl’s dying wish was to be buried in her double strand of fresh-waters, so you goofed-up (big time!) at the funeral. Put ’em back, buster.
- Size — When ring shopping, she’ll try to convince you that the number of carats equals your amount of love. Tell her you need to think about that statement, but you’ll definitely give her “a ring” tomorrow. Then telephone her the next day and break-up.
- Earrings — Go ahead and summon up the courage to get your ears piereced together and even buy His n’ Her matching ruby studs — but when you’re brave enough to get hitched, literally link yourselves together thru the ear holes by sharing one hoop earring. It’s the modern day ball & chain. Ain’t nobody picking someone else up in the produce section now! Problem solved.
If you enjoyed my “sparkling” sense of humor with this silly jewelry piece, please visit an oldie of mine RIGHT HERE about how women can convince a man that size really DOES matter.