The Twilight Zone:
Submitted for your approval . . . One Mr. Henry Bemis, thrilled to be a library squatter with zillions of books to read and nobody to bother him as the rest of humanity is wiped out in nuclear war. While a Ms. Stephanie Lewis simultaneously climbs into her bed, (a mistress upon a mattress) ecstatic for a night without children to disturb her sleep. On this particular evening, menopause strikes Ms. Lewis with a vengeance — hot flashes, night sweats, and a bad case of insomnia wreaking havoc as she also hears loud snoring sounds, though clearly her husband disintegrated. It’s a dimension of sight, a dimension of sound, a dementia of mind, as Ms. Lewis has the sudden realization that no zzzzzz’s await her. In an ironic and eerie twist, Just as Mr. Bemis drops and breaks his precious reading glasses, the camera zooms in on Ms. Lewis catching up on some light chick-lit reading until she gets drowsy. Because anything is possible in The Twilight Zone.
“Here’s the story of a lively lady who is joining three lovely girls all hair of gold. She’s not their sister, not their mother, because she’s obviously too old! Till the one day this woman invites herself over for lunch, because she knew it was much more than a hunch. And that’s the way Stephanie Lewis moves in with the The Brady Bunch!” Just in time for their 3-part Hawaiian vacation trip (Why not? It’s the most glamorous of their filming locations) Stephanie experiences some strange mishaps due to a Brady Island Curse: A tarantula climbs into her beach-bag. She disappears under the water while surfing.A football gets thrown at her nose. Her hair turns orange. She goes to the prom with Davy Jones. She gets the chicken pox. She contracts laryngitis. She can’t stop exclaiming, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” even with the laryngitis.
Gilligan’s Island
“The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle. With Gilligan, the Skipper too, the Millionaire and his Wife. The Movie Star, Professor and Stephanie…..here on Gilligan’s Isle!” Stephanie knocked off dear, sweet, little Mary Ann. Was it for her coconut cream pies or because she coveted her flirty shorty shorts?It can’t be both because cream pies = stretchy yoga pants.
Seinfeld
Stephanie celebrates Festivus, calls George Costanza “Art Vandelay” then tells Kramer, “These pretzels are making me thirsty.” She confesses to Elaine, “The Dingo ate my baby.” The show reaches an exciting climax with Stephanie telling Jerry her name is Mulva. Yes, it is an episode about nothing.
Happy Days
The Fonz admits he has a secret wife named Stephanie whom he hides in a closet behind his leather jackets because she’s uncool. Surprising the live audience, Stephanie leaps out with both thumbs up, gives a throaty, “aaaaayyyyy!’ then rides off on Henry Winkler’s motorcycle.
Charlie’s Angels
Stephanie spends the entire episode on speakerphone with Charlie frantically pleading with him to let her work in his detective agency but wearing concealer and corrective foundation instead of a bikini. Meanwhile, Farrah Fawcett and Jaclyn Smith beg Bosley to hire Kate Jackson back because she wasn’t such a pain-in-the-ass co-star.
The Flintstones
Wilma, Betty, and newcomer to Bedrock, Stephanie go around shouting “Charge!” (Just because I always wanted to do that.)
The Partridge Family
Stephanie can’t sing and it comes out she’s only on this episode to kiss teen heartthrob David Cassidy and tell him, “I think I love you.”
Bewitched
Stephanie magically turns into Samantha for a day and points out that two different actors (both named Dick) played the role of her husband Darin, but nobody (except her) seems to notice, care about, or remember the major switcheroo.
Friends
Stephanie and the gang sit around drinking coffee from oversized mugs and reminisce about past Thanksgivings. When an old boyfriend accuses her of cheating on him, Stephanie cleverly shouts, “We were on a break!!”
Stephanie, (along with gal pal Ethel Mertz) loses her passport, gets locked in a freezer, sets her watch backwards instead of forward and misses a dinner party, gets a lobster red sunburn, diets down to a size 2 to be in a show, schemes to get her son a raise but instead gets him fired, accidentally overdoses herself on cold medication, thinks her ex-husband is trying to kill her, and pretends she’s fluent in a foreign language so her future mother-in-law will like her. Oh wait, these aren’t Lucy Ricardo stunts, this is Stephanie’s actual life.
So what’s your favorite “older” television series and have you ever imagined being in the cast?
P.S. I am super excited to announce that my very first collaborative humor writing with my real (not fictional) son just got published this very weekend right HERE.
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Love that Stephanie in Twilight Zone! Me? I would have loved to control the warp speed lever in Star Trek 🙂 And what a fun piece with your son! Can’t wait to see what’s next!
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I could’ve been on Welcome Back Kotter or What’s Happenin’. Or maybe I could’ve even been Lucy’s only African American female friend. I would’ve done way better than Ethel.
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Ha! I bet you would have totally made Ethel seem dullsville.
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In this episode of “Leave it to Beaver”, Beav’s Uncle Bardie comes for a visit so that June and Ward can go off on that cruise they’ve been planning for years. First thing that happens is that Wally shows up with Eddie Haskell in a stolen car. Wally just went along for the ride not knowing Eddie had stolen the car. Next thing you know Beav tells me he’s gotten his 13 year old girlfriend pregnant. Darn, that Ward. He should instructed the Beav in safe sex.
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Welcome back Kotter wherein Marissa makes an appearance just to say ‘up your nose with a rubber hose’.
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Forget Lucy – I Love Stephanie would be an instant classic. Rather like this post.
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Sweetest comment ever, GSM. Thank you!
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Loved this! Think I’d join Laverne and Shirley. They could use an older, yet still peppy, member to make it a trio and sing “Sclmiel, Schlamazel” as a Round.
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I think you would have been great as Mrs. Columbo
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