Parker Brothers used to hold the monopoly on making a big media production over retiring an iconic object. In February they took a vote and announced which piece would leave their famous board game. It turns out that seams aren’t the only thing ripped from archaic sewing rooms because THE THIMBLE was voted to be torn from Monopoly’s token collection when it was deemed esoteric (Personally I think the word “esoteric” should have been retired from our vocabulary long ago!) and given a big “thumbs” down. The thimble, really?? Well, I’ll be “darned.”
Oy. Do we really care about any of this??
Of course we don’t. At least not anymore. Because this earth-shattering news just paled in comparison to the latest vivid revelation . . .
Today (on National Crayon Day, doncha know?) Crayola finally disclosed (while holding us in suspense for as long as it takes to scrub Burnt Sienna off our bathroom wall after our child throws a tantrum) which classic color will be swiftly retired from their 24-pack.
Turns out DANDELION has been weeded out and put to pasture!
Well color me surprised! Can you really garner this much attention over retiring something? And now people are really getting worked up because it’s been proclaimed that the replacement crayon will be “blueish.” But that’s as descriptive as Crayola cares to get (for now!) because . . . (drum roll!) it seems that WE all get to submit an explicit suggestion for the blue crayon’s new unique name!
Frankly, I’d just be tickled pink if simple tricks like these worked in my life to garner me some respect and fanfare.
It’s worth a go . . .
ME: Hey kids, guess what? I’m retiring an object from our silverware drawer. You’ll never guess what it is, but care to try??
YOUNGEST SON: Wait, we have a silverware drawer? Where is it?? I just grab forks for my scrambled eggs straight out of the dishwasher.
OLDER SON: What?? You get served scrambled eggs! I just get a bowl of Cheerios slapped down in front of me.
DAUGHTER: And ewww, you take stuff from the dishwasher?? Those crusted, baked-on dishes have been sitting in that Maytag appliance since mom was pregnant and we threw a shower for you. And you’re 13-years-old now. Not a baby anymore.
ME: That’s it, I knew you guys would guess it! That’s exactly what I’m retiring from the silverware drawer — his tiny baby spoon! Shall we call Gerber? Channel 7 news? Parker Brothers? And now let’s think of a fun name to call the new utensil that will take its place! For a prize of course . . .
I watched as one-by-one they grabbed Oreos, shoved them in their mouths, and filed out of the kitchen, eying me in that way they did when I remarked that Adele’s song “Hello From The Other Side” was about a ghost in the afterlife.
However (to be fair) later on I received a cryptic text from my 15-year-old that said simply, “Spork!!! Now what do I win?”
Ugh. Next try will be with my boyfriend…
ME: Honey, there’s something very important that I’ve used a lot, but now that I’m menopausal, I think it’s the right time to say goodbye to it.
HIM: Well it can’t be your gym shoes.
ME: I’m retiring my diaphragm.
HIM: Interesting. Won’t you need that to breathe??
Everyone’s a comic. After I retired aspartame from my diet (and replaced it with Sucralose) and nobody seemed to notice, (or care) I took one last shot at an official announcement.
Because three times is a charm.
ME: Hey everyone, I’ve finally made a decision. I’m gonna retire something that’s long overdue to be gone. Can you guess what it is?
EVERYONE: Your so called humor blog??? “Once Upon Your Prime!” OMG! That’s fantastic news. And don’t worry, we’ll all visit it every year in the old folk’s home out in the blogosphere. Yay! So let’s have a big party! We’ll even eat your cake with Sporks! Anything you want. But we just can’t wait to celebrate bidding good riddance to that bland, bloated, blabbermouth blog of yours!!!
Great, that’s just great. But at least now I have a suggestion for the name of the new crayon that’s replacing Dandelion. “Bland, Bloated, Blabbermouth Bloggy Blue!” What do ya say, Crayola??
My latest retirals are a few TV shows I enjoyed. Nashville and Castle. I enjoyed visiting those characters weekly. Oh well. Nothing is indispensable any more. There will always be replacements. I know what I’d love to see retire. About half the people in Washington DC.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was so so disappointed by the retirement of Pluto as a planet. When they were thinking about it, why didn’t they consult we Plutonians? I’m still thinking about forming a band called Pluto and the Plutonians with a song called “We want our planet back”.
LikeLike
Always the sexiest color in the box was Raw Umber. (You can see her standing by the lamp post, near the curb….). The holy of holies? Sister Burnt Sienna, OSF (Third Order of Saint Francis, of course: sienna brown habits). I loved those colors in school.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Really funny and clever comment! Thank you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love it dishes in the dishwasher for 13 yrs. Apparently kids need to learn the kitchen more. Let me guess the last one was wooden spoon?
LikeLike
Lol! Wooden spoof shoulda been next but It was gonna be crock pot! I have every intention of using something that creates a home cooked meal while I’m gone but I never EVER have the right ingredients for it. So…. retired!
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL! Wooden spoon for attitudes. Kids have the craziest answers
LikeLike
Ha Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Primo!
LikeLiked by 1 person
And what significant object will you retire Miss Donna?
LikeLike
I’m too bummed about the thimble to think about it 😦
LikeLiked by 2 people
Omg. This is just so hilarious. I’m going to try this out on my family and see how it goes.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much. I love when someone brand new comments! But I’d never retire my “old” commenters. 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m devastated by both ‘retirals’!
LikeLike
Tragic. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person