Life Is One Big Query Letter!


query-letter

Or at least it should be . . .  if we were always allowed to ask for what we needed and wanted. For instance I wrote a book, I yearned to get it published, so I sent out Query Letters to agents describing what it was about and why I thought it would be of interest to certain readers. I waited for a ‘Yes’ or a ‘No’ regarding whether or not I could go to the next step and submit the first twenty pages. Simple.

Now let’s do this with EVERYTHING! Shall we?

Dear Neighbor,

I just moved into the home that was for sale across the street from you and I have a couple of kids whose hobbies include football, shopping, and…and that’s it! I think they’d make the ideal new friends for your son and daughter that I see walking harmoniously together out your front door every morning to catch the school bus. I’d be more than happy to send my daughter’s diary as well as video clips of my son’s game when he was quarterback. Thank you for your consideration!

Little Miss Menopause

 

Dear Gynecologist,

Your receptionist told me you’re not accepting any new patients, however I am of the opinion that you’ve never palpated breasts like mine before and it’s a unique experience no medical doctor should miss. Additionally I’m more agile at slipping my feet into those stirrups than any female this side of the Mississippi — and nobody can undress and get into a paper gown faster than I do. Think you’ll knock three abrupt times, then swiftly open the door to surprise me standing naked? Think again! You ain’t never had a patient like me. In conclusion, may I have my previous OB/GYN forward my medical charts for your perusal? Thank you for your time.

Little Miss Menopause

 

Dear Daughter,

I certainly hope this query letter finds you doing well in college. I’ve been following you on social media recently and I have some thoughts on how you’re leading your life, which I’m certain you’ll find fascinating. Just to give you a little teaser: You’re not dressing appropriately for your internship, the guy you’re dating isn’t from a very good family, and the Bloomin’ Onion you ordered last night from Outback Steakhouse is a heart attack waiting to happen. Please be aware that my advice is destined to become a bestseller, but I wanted you to be the first child to have the opportunity to utilize it. May I send you the complete outline so you can browse through it at your leisure?

Your Mother

 

Dear Parker Brothers,

Through the years I’ve enjoyed your Scrabble, Boggle, Clue, and Risk boardgames. I recently invented a new game I like to call, “Natural Consequences” in which milk spoils when not put back in the refrigerator, husbands don’t get sex when they forget to pitch in around the house, and children’s grades suffer when they don’t study. With your permission, may I send over a few people willing to act out all the fun in a live format for you?

Little Miss Menopause

 

Dear Firstborn Son Who Moved Far Away,

It has come to my attention that we don’t communicate anymore. I cannot remember the last time I heard your deep voice explaining the difference between fission and fusion.  I know a brilliant nuclear engineer and a scatterbrained creative writer don’t have a lot of commonality, but I’ve made a list of stuff we’ve shared (which you may not now recall) during your formative years. Just to give you a sneak preview, one of the things was spontaneous Bear Hugs. May I submit the rest of the list in the hopes that we can find our way back to yesteryear? I miss you son, I really miss you.

Much love always,

Mom

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Readers: Who Would You Send a Query Letter To?

24 thoughts on “Life Is One Big Query Letter!”

  1. Pingback: My Picks Of The Week 2017 – #36 | A Momma's View

  3. To Hurricane Irma:
    Dear Irma:

    I know you wanted to be the star of your own show. America’s Got Talent wasn’t enough for you. You wanted Game of Thrones fame. Well, now you’ve made your point. We all know what an awesome personality you are. You have really put on a show. And you’re going to get a renewal for new episodes next week after you finish out this week. Here’s my humble request, and I know in the scheme of things I’m not one you would want to pay attention to, that you maybe divert yourself further eastward. I hear Great Britain really needs the rain.

    Your humble requestee.

    How’s that for a query letter?

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  4. The Parker Brothers query letter was hysterical – the one to your son made me cry for two reasons. First, my son is also 27. We had some rough years but he’s come out of them – well, we both came out of them. I have a brother in law, nearly 60, who is autistic. I feel for you. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better. I hope you can get some good advice from someone more qualified than I am how to heal this rift. I can hope it is healable based on what you described. He may want to reach out to you but doesn’t know how. I wish you the best. I hope you will let us all know what happens.

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    • Thank you so much! I know, the last one was very cathartic for me to write but too scary to send. He’s 27 and we had such a close relationship and then something happened during his adolescence where he made a complete separation. Everyone told me “that’s what boys do to establish their own identity” and that he would be coming back around to his usual friendly self. There was no falling out, no negative incident to explain our distance and I have no clue why he didn’t do what the textbook psychologists say young adult males should do and reestablish ties. 😥

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  8. Love this one Steph! Especially that one to Mitchell! Have you thought about actually sending it to him? Can you imagine what he would say? Maybe that’s an idea for part two??

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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  9. My brain is dulled. Right now waiting in a very long line in a thrift store behind a girl with a huge amount of items in her bag who won’t stop shopping while on line. The only query I’d like to send is to tell her to stop!

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      • Dear Ex-Husband,

        I know you said you “needed your space” to figure things out, but it has been thirteen years, since I granted you the divorce you so desperately needed in this life. A gentle reminder that kids aren’t cheap, nor are they free. Child support payments aren’t due at your convenience. They are due at the convenience of the children you decided to have with me, before you were so kind, and gave yourself to every other female out there. The children we made in love, should always be your #1 responsibility. For your consideration, I’ve compiled LISTS of things that kids need, want, and require through each stage of life, (ummm that you missed, and continue to miss), and approximately how much they’ve cost, or will cost. I need to forewarn you though, the lists … they are ENDLESS, as there is ALWAYS something popping up that requires me to dig deeply into my pockets, and get it for them, no matter what situation my own personal life is in. So, since this list is forever growing, changing or repeating, you will always have great reading material to keep you busy, ya know, while you’re sill “figuring things out” … 13 years later … Oh, and .. HA! Never mind the last minute projects for school, (that they JUST remembered!) Ohhhh … Good times!! Would you please consider reading these lists? I would greatly appreciate a yes from you asap, so I can start mailing you those lists … monthly. Nope, make that WEEKLY!

        Thank you in advance,
        Your Awesome (Overly-Patient) Ex-Wife

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