Going, going . . . GONE!
They say it’s inevitable and happens to all relationships. Who are “They??” I hate them! The initial magic starts to fade, the rush of learning new things as a “couple” subsides, the novel unpredictability and the exciting challenge starts to feel like a sure thing and a walk in the park with your eyes closed. And yes you can get mugged when you walk in the park with your eyes closed, but that’s not the novel unpredictability you want. Boredom sets in. Then the fact that you’re bored sends you into questioning the relationship and soon you’re googling, “How to Regain that Spark” and finding over 1.6 million of these kind of titles right HERE.
My First Husband told me we would never have to worry about this problem because he had the perfect solution — after the wedding, we would simply not embark on a traditional honeymoon trip. If it never began, it could never end. Logic like this is only one of the hundreds of reasons he will continue to be justifiably referred to as “My First Husband.”
My Second Husband and I had a whirlwind courtship and married rather quickly so our honeymoon phase was quickly interrupted by extreme morning sickness, baby preparations, and worries about Down Syndrome when test results came back highly elevated. Luckily our daughter was born perfectly healthy, but our romantic life was no longer “highly elevated.” Sadly, that elevator never went above the bargain basement floor after all the newfound responsibilities of parenting kicked our butts.
After my second divorce, my obsession with keeping the Honeymoon Stage alive kicked into high gear and truly began in earnest. We’re talking a full-time job, (I wasn’t just moonlighting in Honeymooning!) and I was determined to think outside the (Victoria’s Secret shipping) box.
Here are the tactics, tips, tricks, and techniques I tried, but to no avail:
FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT: Notice that is NOT a typo. The phrase doesn’t read, “Familiarity Breeds Content.” Therefore I decided if part of the problem was we eventually knew each other inside and out, I would be intentionally mysterious and hard to pin down. Here was how that looked . . .
HIM: So what’s your favorite color?
ME: Why do you ask?
HIM: I’d like to buy you something.
ME: I feel it’s too soon to release that information, so I’ll just say Rainbow. My favorite color is rainbow.
HIM: Yeah, my choices are yellow, red, or pink. Roses don’t come rainbow. Never mind that. What’s your favorite ice-cream flavor, I’ll pick some up.
ME: It’s not Rocky Road. It’s not Cookies N’ Cream. It’s not Salted Caramel, it’s not Mint Chip, it’s not ….
HIM: Oh my god, woman. What IS it then?
ME: If I tell you, I’ll have to kill you.
ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER: I really thought I had it right with this one! I intentionally put physical distance between us as often as I could, encouraging him to go on lengthy business trips, scheduling back to back writer’s conferences, and going out with girlfriends instead of more frequent dates with him. Surely I would miss him, crave him, pine for him, and then our eventual reunion would be off the charts Electric! Uh…apparently there’s this whole other conflicting adage that goes like this – “Out of sight, out of mind!” And sadly, that’s the one that ruled my heart. I soon forgot what exactly attracted me to him in the first place, and if I was doing so fine and dandy alone, what was even the point of reconvening??
THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US: This is the tact you take when you think that you and your new lover are different from the rest of the population and can beat the system if you approach it preventatively. Clear out your bookshelves, add more storage space on your cellphone, and make room on your calendar, because you will buy so many enrichment books, download so many relationship podcasts, and attend so many Couple’s Workshops that you could power the sunrise on a cloudy day with all your romantic insights. Except the sun WILL eventually set on the honeymoon stage for you two as well. And so you should now resort to . . .
DAZZLING, DARING, DOPAMINE: Supposedly this is the neurotransmitter that makes it all so incredible! If you can maintain high levels of this compound in your brain, you’ve got it made in the shade. But don’t stay in the shade! Get out into the sunshine and go parasailing, sky-diving, windsurfing, skiing, river-rafting, and rollercoaster riding! But as you’ll soon find out, you should break up with your mate and start dating the owner of Groupon. Do you know how expensive all of this adventurous stuff is to do? Not to mention the cost of landing in the ER with a broken rib or a sprained ankle. There has to be a better way?
THE BETTER WAY: Many of my Couple Friends state this, “Stephanie, you’ll actually be grateful when the Honeymoon Stage wears off. Because that’s when the real deep and truly satisfying intimacy begins and you go to a whole new level that there’s just no way to articulate. Believe us when we say there’s nothing like the intuitive knowledge of finishing your partner’s sentences for them and then falling asleep to the rhythmic sounds of their snores.” Essentially they are saying, “Forget dopamine. Serotonin is where it’s at!” These are the same people who become diabetic and can never eat sugar again but will try to convince you, “I never realized just how sweet broccoli tastes. It’s indescribable.” These are highly suspect individuals for sure!
Readers: If you’ve found a surefire way to keep the Honeymoon Stage everlasting, please put it in the comments section. Alternatively, if you know the reason why it’s totally unimportant to do so, please also chime in the comments section — I beg of you! For now, I’m sticking to the conclusion that when you’re with the absolute right person, it doesn’t take hard work, contrived behaviors, or gimmicks — it all just unfolds the way it’s supposed to. Stay tuned for an update on my fairytale hypothesis!
Science says THIS has an expiration date. Noooooooo!
Once Upon Your Prime 
not sure but i am definitely an “infatuation addict”. I kind of see relationships like sandcastles, which are always unique but in danger of falling apart at any given moment. I have not been able to maintain the exact feeling i seek for more than 3 months. Which is probably why i gravitated towards alcohol, nicotine, caffeine , and many other types of highs including extreme sports , dangerous experiments, and grueling discipline with things most give up on pretty quickly. Something of an “adrenaline junkie” i am. But , alas, menopause has shaken me like James Bond Martini.These days, i only do the solo highs:)p.s. please read with tongue -in-cheek.
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Again I totally relate! I once called myself an “adrenaline addict” and when the relationship hit the skids that’s when I became a real junkie trying to save it. Oh What a high it was when I did! Or no skids? I’ve even been known to create the problems and the fighting just to bring myself to the brink/edge of break-up and then see if I can fix it all again before it’s too late. 12 step programs really helped me lose my taste for this kind of “turbulence” (Big Book Awakening for Emotional Sobriety) And I am finally in a healthy relationship which I know will eventually have the honeymoon phase wearing off but finally I am now prepared to deal with how that evolves in real life. He and I listen to the podcast Relationship Alive together and discuss all this stuff. It’s awesome. Geeze, so far I’ve recommended a book, an anonymous program, and a podcast. I think these people should start giving me kickbacks for going around making comments like these. 😉
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bahahha…kickbacks…indeed. I agree, i am kind of over the drama..but still don;t trust myself not to be toxic . Thought about getting a pet, but not even sure i’m “fixed” enough for one yet..maybe in the spring? lol
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What a wonderful surprise to see you and this post Steph! I’ve been reading blog posts on and off recently but when I saw ‘Little Miss Menopause,’ just now, my adrenaline of delight skyrocketed to the moon (not honeymoon). Miss you dear friend and yes, you got me chuckling … of course! Xx
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Wendy!! I so miss you. I think of you and your family often and pray things have improved. Thank you for bringing delight to my day!
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We’re on 20 years together, 16 years married, been through Hell and back about 3 times, and we’re still best friends and lovers. If anything we’re more in love now than we were when we got married and that was hard to imagine possible back then. ❤️
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Good point… I think that’s so important to marry your best friend like you did because the natural chemistry going to be there between the two of you when that is the case and that is important for any long term relationship. Also, I think another key is that if you’re going to marry someone to love them for their good qualities and accept them for their imperfections. I hear some people complain always about something their wife/husband doesn’t do or do, but I’m sure their significant other was always showing a consistent behavior of whatever it is they don’t like before they said I do.
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Absolutely. Love the whole honest package. There was only one time I had to point out to my husband, “It’s not like I’ve been quiet all this time about who I am.” 😊
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Lol, I definitely don’t feel nobody should be quiet in a married to avoid conflict. Furthermore, just like at work, conflict not a bad thing if both sides are willing to listen and try to understand the other person concerns and willing to try and at least meet half way on things.
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Listening is the key 🔑
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A good way to start a long romance is finding a partner you respect and who respects you, is a friend before becoming a lover, and whom you have absolutely no sexual desire for, and who has little sexual desire for you. Might sound counterproductive, but there is no honeymoon stage to end, and sharing your bodies becomes something you learn to do together without having that crazy sexual desire quickly disappearing. Love can come later. Friendship and respect are longlasting attributes. Anything more is icing.
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Well now that’s a refreshing twist, especially from a male. Thank you for that insightful perspective!
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“a friend before becoming a lover” exactly! 🙌
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Thanks. I just wish I had discovered this BEFORE I turned 50. Life is so much more peaceful now.
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I wouldn’t call the broccoli from my vegetable garden sweet, but it does elicit sighs of bliss from all who taste it.
(Good laughs in this blog post!)
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Yes, there really is nothing like homegrown, Kind Sir! Do you grow large tomatoes? I can eat those plain like an apple!
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I used to grow scads of big beefsteak tomatoes, but I’ve had to phase them out due to relentless issues with blossom end rot. Nature will have her way.
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Simple: Don’t actually get married. I’ve been with my partner for seventeen years. (Anniversary of our meeting—in a bar—will be tomorrow). We are in the Florida Keys right now, celebrating! I feel like it’s a honeymoon. He did buy me some nice jewelry through the years, including a nice diamond set which I wear on my marriage ring finger. 😊💕
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Hmmm, you may be onto something. Either that or meeting in a bar is the answer! Thanks for visiting me here, DC.
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Nice to see you back in action (the blog post 🙂 ), Stephanie ❤
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Thank you Roomie….if only Writer’s Block ended as quickly as the Honeymoon. Sheesh!
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