Who’s Writing This Quirkiness?

 

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MEET “LITTLE MISS MENOPAUSE” AKA STEPHANIE DEBRA LEWIS

I got married for the first time on my 25th birthday.

No one should get married on their birthday because your spouse will combine a birthday and anniversary gift.

My all time favorite movie is After Hours, directed by Martin Scorsese.

Absolutely nobody has heard of the movie, After Hours, let alone seen it…eight times!

My ex-husband’s favorite car was his Mercedes.

I met him when I backed my Toyota into it.

I hate Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve because the expectation is you’re supposed to have romance and excitement.

You can’t have both romance and excitement. Pick one.

I always pick excitement.

That’s why my favorite holiday is Groundhog Day.

We have family portraits that hang all the way up our stairwell and last night a framed picture of me came crashing down to the floor.

My son told me that’s because I’m an “off-the-wall” type of mother.

My hair always has that wild and messy, wind-blown look.

Except when I ride in a convertible, then it suddenly looks neatly coifed.

I must stop the microwave when the timer says exactly 1 second, or else “something really bad” will happen.

The “something bad” will be much worse than overcooked carrots.

I don’t recycle.

That’s because I don’t know where all my neighbors get those green recycling bins.

When I’m running late to a potluck party I embellish on frozen food and tell everyone it is homemade.

Then I give out elaborate recipes with phony ingredient measurements and the proportions are way off.

I keep a journal on my nightstand next to my bed to record my dreams in.

Sometimes I wake up at 3 am and scribble “Buy contact lens solution and dog food” in it.
We don’t own a dog.

My biggest pet peeve is people who are late.

And they always phone at the exact time they are supposed to meet you to say, “I’m going to be late.”

They are not going to be late. They already are late. And they knew they would be late in advance, so they could’ve called earlier. Therefore they are even late with their excuse for being late.

I have a temper and have been known to throw things. Think Scarlett O’Hara.

I threw my favorite perfume bottle and it shattered everywhere, staining our couch. Then the company discontinued that particular scent so when I go out fancy, I have to roll on the sofa to smell nice.

When I get pulled over for a traffic ticket, I pretend to speak like the Gabor sisters. You need to leave now if you’re too young to know who they are.

The hardest part about giving birth is getting an I.V.

I feel really guilty when I honk at inept, slow drivers and then when I speed up to pass them, I see they are old people.

I pay my sons to kill bugs and spiders for me.

Daddy Long Legs are worth $5.50 each. My youngest will do two for $10.

When my kids are not home, I throw books from a distance to smash them.

I have no idea what happened to the top layer of our wedding cake that we saved in our freezer.

I think he ate it. And I’m sure he thinks I’m the one who scarfed it down.

I read the last page of books first. My good friend Ria taught me to do that to make sure it all turns out alright.

Sometimes I phone married people and sit silently on the line to see if they’ll accuse one another of having an affair.

In high school I was voted most likely to have a really nutty bio on her blog.

When I’m sad, I dial up the prerecorded movie schedules and sob uncontrollably into the phone.

One time when I was particularly grief-stricken, I thought the recorded voice told me to try a cup of tea instead of a movie. But I might have been mistaken.

I saved all my fortune cookie slips until one read, “Your sentimentality will cause you grief.”

People think if you don’t have freckles, you’re not a true redhead.

Tee shirts at Target for little girls say, “Princess.” Tee shirts for little boys say, “Here Comes Trouble.”

You would never guess my middle name. And I won’t tell you.

It isn’t Delores.

When I walked around a Vegas hotel, two men asked me if I was a showgirl. Two women asked me if I was a prostitute.

I was on the Price is Right. I lost my showcase and I’m sure it’s because I wouldn’t let Bob Barker kiss me.

After magic shows, I’m often found backstage convincing, cajoling, coaxing and coercing the magician to tell me his secrets.

I clean my house before our maid comes over. And wash my hair before I go to the salon.

I cannot believe the way my mother dressed me as a child.

I’m planning her wardrobe for a time when she gets too elderly to shop.

My favorite Twilight Zone episode is the one where the little girl falls into her wall.

When I meet people, the first thing I notice is their teeth.

They notice me noticing and immediately stop smiling.

I think the little paper clip guy in my Word program is adorable!

My kids think my mood swings are the most exciting thing on a playground.”

I believe the entire population should be made to wear a mood ring. Yes. Even. You.

157 thoughts on “Who’s Writing This Quirkiness?”

  1. Sorry, my mind is tired after reading over a hundred comments. I THINK, (at least I think I’m thinking) everything that can be said has been said. Or was that said already? I lost track. Did you truly mean to say, “Hark! I’d LOVE to hear your remark . . . ?” Because when I keep reading it, it sounds kind of snarky! Maybe it’s because I’ve been thinking too much. Anyway, funny stuff, I know where I can go when I need a good guffaw now and again. By the way, I love to guffaw, so keep it up!

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  2. on a lazy Sunday morning its been a great read. I love your sense of humour ( NB – correct spelling always, please ) Its just wonderful and sadly, for me, I can relate to so many of your things. I wont be able to write as amusingly as you but you give me some great ideas. PS I rather like your tousled just got out of bed look)

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  3. What a fun read to come across. Took me a bit to catch the mood swing joke. Sometimes, I am sharp as a beach ball.

    Quirkyness is a great way to say “my uniqueness befuddles people”

    WTF is befuddles ? You’re the writer, right ? Is is a real word ?

    …. i’m Sitting in my car fresh out of the gym on a Saturday morning …. wondering … “will she think i’m “Late” to her blog. I’d obsess on that a bit if the urge to hide My teeth whilst I type wasn’t so distracting.

    I feel an urge to try to return your sense of humor but the dimmer switch is “on” my sense of wit atm.

    You seem like a hoot … but nothing “off the wall” is being thrown my way (that I know of) atm.

    Curious, what exactly does being a “hoot” mean to you ?

    I don’t need a mood ring. My face is a dead giveaway … I look Like i’m Dead and i’d Love to give my face away.

    I feel like I need to watch After Hours.

    What I am most interested in is the idea you might be game to let me pick out some clothes for your Mom.

    I’m going to visit my Pops this afternoon and now i’m Wondering what kind of hideous hat I can make with a glue gun and some yard sale treasures. He doesn’t see or hear well, so I like my chances of putting some sort of monstrosity on his warped noggin.

    Corrupted by one reading of your blog ? Nah. I was already mischievous.

    Thanks for a fun and refreshing read.

    Ben

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    • Hey Ben, Oh Mischievous and Befuddling One…. This made my week! And believe me, it needed to be made. All the ways you incorporated the bizarre stuff from my post into this comment was highly creative! Plus You DO need to watch After Hours, so please come back and tell me when you have. You cracked me up with creating a hideous hat for your dad — The two of us can enter our parents in a reverse fashion show. Have a great rest of your weekend and please say hi again.
      Stephanie

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  4. Pure chance brought me here Stephanie. Isn’t chance a great thing? Could you hear me chuckling away to myself in my garden in France? I’ll be following you from afar but nobody is far away in Blogland. Thanks for making my evening -10pm over here.
    Juliet

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  5. Hi Stephanie, picked up your blog from the Blogger Collaboration Grouo hosted by my good friend Janice Wald. So gist I did, humour is a great antidote to all levels of mood and this is just the place to find it 🙃

    Love the quirky blog and hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to be following 😇

    Have a great weekend!

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      • You are very welcome indeed 🙃 And if it provided you with a start of day smile then even better. Heads up most of my writing posts are bordering macabre….the three day quote challenge is probably where yiu will see what lurks beneath the words…love to see you there though…but my visit is not obligatory on you returning the favour 😊 Enjoy what’s left of the weekend….although that’s relative to global position….here it’s 8 pm Saturday 🤔

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  9. Oh my goodness. First, I had to scroll so far to get to this little box, I almost gave up. I don’t know what that says about me, but what it says about YOU is that your absolutely hilarious blog and this page about yourself was worth my my mouse finger doing all that scrolling. I’m tired now. I am copying and pasting the line about hating how your mother dressed you and you saving clothes for her and sending it via email to my mother immediately. I almost wet my pants. And that Twilight Zone episode where the girl fell through the wall? I had nightmares about that for the longest time. I will never, ever forget it. Or at least, I will never, ever forget that freaking dream. I have to look for “After Hours.” Maybe Netflix streams it although, as you may know, the movies you can get streaming Netflix can’t hold a candle to the ones they have tucked away especially to send in the mail in DVD format. Why is that? I could go on. You’re really, really, really funny. Love you – Kate

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    • What a doll! Comments like yours make my year. I will send you a finger brace to make up for exhausting your pointer. Or maybe it tired out your middle finger? 😉 I also feel very responsible about my movie recommendation. If you don’t like it, I’ll send you popcorn! Happy New Year and thank you again.

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  12. This is a great way to show off your uniqueness.
    🙂
    I will have to follow your example with my blog and try something new and corky.
    I am also not a fan of New Year’s and Valentine’s. My birthday is four days before the latter and I always get a combination present.
    🙂
    Great tips you offer and humour too.

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  13. Pingback: Offer Creamed Spinach In Addition to Prime-Rib (Improving Your Blog Menu!) | Once Upon Your Prime

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  23. I nominated you for the ‘One Lovely Bog Award’. If you’d like to accept and participate, check out the post on my blog. If not, you’re welcome anyway!

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  24. You’re exactly as funny I MUST be when am your age. Or I must cease to exist. Are you supremely awesome or what! Well now someone who’s been ‘Huff-ed’ already doesn’t need any flattery right?
    Ok! Never stop. And that mane is gorgeous.

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  26. Just FYI….I’ll FINALLY be posting your request in the morning (my time). I have linked back to you in the post. Am so glad to finally have had a few hours today to come up with something. Challenge accepted and done!

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  27. I know I haven’t even made good on my promised writing to you yet, but I love your posts and I am awarding you the Lovely Blogger award. It’s an easy one. I’d really be interested in learning 7 new facts about you (am good at reading posts right now, just not so much writing them in all this madness) and I think the rest of the blogosphere would too! Info is on my Awards Page along with the award for you to copy and put on your own site.

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  28. It might be fun to retrace Griffin Dunne’s route. It could be a pilgrimage. Then after that we could sit on the bench in the opening credits of Manhattan. God, I love Rhapsody in Blue.

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    • Tempest, with the gorgeous hair and the coolest name! Thank you so very much for this and I’m honored. I’ve had some things come up in the real world that are severely restricting my blog time but I want you to know how much it means to me.
      talk soon,
      Stephanie

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  30. First off, I know who Zsa Zsa and Eva are. I watched Merv Griffith and Green Acres and not as reruns. I have seen After Hours three times and thought that could be me. I do have one question. You said, “When my kids are not home, I throw books from a distance to smash them.” My question is how far do you have to throw to hit your kids with those books?

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