The Holidays: Let ’em Come to You!


holidaysHave you heard?  You can now talk to Santa Claus from your own living room.  He’ll visit live via the Internet and you’ll never have to leave the privacy of your home!  Listen to my family’s sneak preview of this new service.

SANTA:  Ho-Ho, Santa knows everything.  Have you been good boys and girls?

ME:  You tell me, Mr. Know-It-All Santa.  Have a look at my ten year old’s brand new jeans after he decided to go Knee Sledding.

SANTA:  Ho!  Those ARE some Holy pants!

ME:   And do you see my teenager, who merrily decided to dye her hair purple without my permission? And my eldest son who just crashed our Toyota sleigh? Can you hear my 14 year-old upstairs cranking up Rihanna? No Silent Night here.

KIDS:  Mom!  We thought we were Jewish?! 

SANTA:  Hmm, I’ll tell you what Santa’s little eye DOES spy, Mom.   Tsk, Tsk.   Someone could use a new vacuum, a dust mop, sponges, scrub brushes, Windex, and wow, are those a couple of dead rabbits Santa spots under your dining table?

ME:  Those are Bunny Slippers.  But tell you what Santa – – throw in a weekly maid service, and I’ll Jolly well convert the entire family by tomorrow.  Joy to the World.

BUT WHY STOP THERE?  OTHER HOLIDAY MAKE HOUSECALLS TOO!

VALENTINE’S DAY:  Romance & Intrigue!  To set the mood the day before, a mysterious invitation comes into your inbox from “Guess Who?” with a single rose image and a first clue that says, “To find the desire of your Heart – –  Check out the sale at Walmart!”  On Feb 14th, you follow all the rest of the hundred clues across the entire internet to websites for Hallmark, Lady Godiva Chocolate, Florists, Hair Salons, Spas, Jewelry, Shoe, and Dress shops, your excitement mounting.  By evening, when you are still being instructed (with clever little rhymes) to visit Verizon, the local realtor, supermarket, dry-cleaner, bank, pool and office supplies as well as numerous bowling alleys, you are starting to suspect that you’ve been part of an advertising scam.  But at least you’re too brain dead to care that your real-life sweetheart only sent you a stale Hershey bar leftover from Halloween (see below).  Happy Love Day!

HALLOWEEN:  Peace & Quiet!  A doorbell sounds melodically on your computer so you’re alerted to move closer to the keyboard.  Sweet little “Trick or Treat” exclamations come thru the speaker as two darling 5 year-old twins dressed as Ketchup & Mustard stand before you.  You click on the “Ooh and Ahh” icon and within 3-5 days, a Hershey’s gift card will be delivered from you to their home with a “How adorable you look!” sticker.  No more buying the bag of fun-size Snickers a week ahead of time and having to sheepishly replenish it the night before. . . because you ate them all.  Rest assured, if a large group of overgrown, sullen teenagers (not in costume) should appear, you can dim the monitor light and a 40 pt. font text will appear stating, “Sorry, out of candy.”  A newer addition of this Holiday will include mini-windshield wipers that will cleanse away the egg yolk mess without smearing your homepage.  Boo!

Yeah, it's cute but Whatever.  When you've seen one condiment, you've seen 'em all.

Yeah, it’s cute but Whatever. When you’ve seen one condiment, you’ve seen ’em all.

THANKSGIVING:  No Muss, No Fuss! Your Personal Chef from Butterball, Inc. streams live into your home around 8 a.m. to lecture on Hens vs. Toms, Brining vs. Basting and stuffing the bird vs. stuffing your mouth.  Pop-ups are a new, cool feature of this App – – From pop-up thermometers in the turkey to frequent pop-up windows onscreen, showcasing kids whining to make cornucopias and pilgrim crafts that you can proudly display as centerpieces. Around 2 pm, the screen clouds over and slowly, one-by-one, photos of your entire extended family crystallize – – yes even Great Uncle Milton who smokes cigars has come.  Your sister-in-law announces the entire family is now vegetarian and your cyber experience completes itself with Grandma quoting the exorbitant calories and fat grams in just a tiny sliver of Pecan or Pumpkin Pie.  Happy Gobble Day!

NEW YEAR’S EVE:  Forget Times Square and the ball Drop!   Instead Drop the charges on your Ex, and then Drop the bomb on your kids when you proclaim your New Year’s Resolution is to go to an expensive ski-lodge as an intact happy family.  Suddenly you smile and shout, “April Fools!” as elaborate fireworks explode in the background on the monitor.   That’s right! This Bonus 3 in 1 Holiday App saves you time by integrating New Years with April 1st & The 4th of July.  Happy Combination Day!

I welcome ANY of your comments – – Or if you like, default to voting, Do you look forward to the holidays?  Or dread them?

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46 thoughts on “The Holidays: Let ’em Come to You!

  1. Oh My! I have a lot of catching up to do here. You’ve been back at work, I see.

    I’m not one for holidays any more. My kids went to my X-inlaws for lavish events, and came here for peace and quiet.

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  2. Love the Halloween idea:) It is funny because my daughter is already stressing about Halloween plans (1 1/2 months away). I do love holidays, but they are also stressful as they can rarely live up to our collective expectations of AWESOMENESS.

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  3. Having grown up surrounded by the hyped excitement of the Holidays I still enjoy them…but on my own terms. I’ll buy a little of the seasonal holiday candy of the moment to feed my inner child but after that I now pretty much re-shape them to make my own happiness and that happiness is not based on money.

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  4. Love this. You have quiet an imagination going inside your head.
    Kinda hate the build up to the holidays and all the obligation that goes with it but once i’m holidaying, (usually chilling the famalam) I love it. Especially winter holidays.

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  5. When you get past menopause, like me, it’s easier to ignore the holidays that everybody else “celebrates” and create some of your own. When I was like everybody else I dreaded them. Too much peer, child and family pressure. Now that I don’t give a damn about what my peers think and my family is scattered across the country, I’m into creating and celebrating my own holidays. Those are the times, usually around the “regular” holidays, when I can get a few family members and/or friends (they’re scattered across the country, too) together for a few hours. These times are few and far between, but I’m looking forward to one next week when my eldest, all of 24 years old, will be passing through on her way to a conference. Gotta take em when and where I can get em, ya know?

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  6. I am a combination kinda person. I look forward to not working at my job, but don’t look forward to working at my apartment. Holidays are stressful all the way around. Being divorced adds to the stress since the jockying of who will be with my son begins months in advance. Do you have an app that decides that one, too? Cause the courts said one thing and in reality, it sure isn’t what is happening, lol.

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  7. My birthday is near Christmas – as is my anniversary. While I couldn’t help the first one, it occurs to me that I really should have chosen better for the second.

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  8. Combination holiday?! That’s brilliant, it’s almost like if your kids are born near Christmas day! Get it all done at the same time!! lol Ok honestly though, I always thought that would suck to have your birthday near Christmas. Unless, in the case that you don’t celebrate the holiday you wouldn’t have that problem, lol.

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  9. OK…so now you’ve opened a can of holidays. Apparently EVERYDAY is a holiday. Today, just to name 2, is National Iguana Awareness Day AND National Date-Nut-Bread Day. I’m looking forward to tomorrow – Wienerschnitzel Day! It’s unfortunate though that we no longer live in Germany. I always love your posts Bunkie. They’re so original. I’m always looking forward to the next one. Until then, I’ll wish you a Wonderful Weirdos Day. That’s tomorrow. You can check it all out at http://www.checkiday.com

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  10. I definitely dread most holidays, but you seem to have made holidays infinitely easier. Perhaps we can do a Mother’s Day where there virtual presents come that actually appear to be from your children.

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  11. This is one you can mark on your calendar. I like combining holidays. Such as groundhogs day and kids birthdays. If your child goes outside at 7 am and sees their shadow then you celebrate if not, then you just have a nice day at home. Keep up the great writing. I like your style and creative works. So enjoyable.

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