C’mon, admit it — You watched the Oscars ceremony last night while obsessing aloud, “Why can’t Little Miss Menopause do her Bloscar awards just one more time so I can win something??” This will be the 3rd year in a row I’ve featured a giveaway and you can ask the past winners if it’s worth their time to enter. But when you ask them, remind them that their Amazon gift card prize can also be used to order my book, Lullabies & Alibis just as easily as some ugly household decor item.
Now let’s walk the Red-Carpet and enter the actual Post to see the grandeur that awaits, shall we? Beware of the Blogarazzi with their blinding camera flashes, whoops and hollers. Smile nicely, with that odd, “looking over your shoulder at who-the-hell-knows what” type of pose. Maybe all bloggers should keep looking over their shoulder for the next odd thing to happen to them?
THE CEREMONY FLUFF, TIME WASTERS & A PRIZE!
Welcome! First of all – – instead of Chris Rock selling Thin Mints and other assorted Girl Scout Cookies, you’re stuck with me selling my home baked Bloatmeal, Blog Newtons, SnickerBloggle, and Tollhouse Blocolate Blip Blookies. Sorry.
Inject your Favorite Opening Dance Sequence right here to the left. Bloggers usually have two left feet so we’ll just insert a 405 Error message over this part.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, we need to talk about how it was mainly white people who got nominated for awards for the last two years and why people of color were snubbed from The Oscars. This will conveniently lead to our next contest — The People Of Collar Contest! That’s right! Collared people will never be excluded from The Bloscars! As proof of that, we’re having a separate honorary category. So to win this one you need to feature your favorite button-down shirt (sorry no tees, tanks or camisoles) and show off that gorgeous, freshly ironed, starched collar. Winner chosen for creative display of a collared shirt and will receive an Amazon gift card to buy a non-geeky shirt! Deadline and instructions are the same as the below Selfie Photo Contest.
And yes, just like when Ellen hosted the Oscars, there will be a Selfie Photo Contest, so let’s take down
Twitter…Wordpress! Not to place any WordPressure on you, but please take a photo of the front page of your Blog the way that it looks on your laptop/computer with you (the proud Blog Author!) in the photo as well. Shy, retiring, inhibited, insecure, and/or paranoid Bloggers (that would be me) feel free to just portray your blog alone, without any human in the pic. Put a link to your photo (Shutterfly, Facebook, any other forum where you can post a picture) in the comments section below and the winner (based on the most eye-catching, creative photo) will receive two movie passes. (or the equivalent of such, on a $25 Amazon Gift Card) Deadline will be March 7th to post your Selfie photos and a winner will be picked and their prize awarded on my birthday, March 12th. Since I will have nothing better to do on that day, other than to sob about not being in my 40’s any longer.
And Now . . . The Blotion Picture Blogcademy Proudly Presents . . . THE BLOSCARS! (Imagine an orchestra of keyboard typing in unison rising in crescendo here)
During the silence that follows each category, please imagine who would deserve this particular award in your own real life world or Online World that you call your Blogosphere. I would never be so presumptuous as to start naming Names here! The idea is to get YOU thinking about the kinds of people (bloggers and non-bloggers alike) that you consciously surround yourself with each and every day. It CAN make a difference.
And the Featured Categories Are ????
Best Supportive Commenter: Who regularly leaves you lots of love?
Best Editor: Which individual do you count on to give your posts a onceover, so you don’t have blatant errors like the spelling of “onceover” when published?
Score UnderScore: (Note: Strikeovers would also fall in this category)
Best Blog Header: Your eye was drawn immediately!
Best Blog Background: It compliments, rather than detracts.
Best Song: (Oh! I feel another contest coming on!) In the comments section below, please leave the one best song (with either a Title or the well known chorus lyrics) that would best suit your blog. In other words, you would most want to have this song blasting when someone clicks open your blog. Give a brief explanation as to why you chose this song. One winner will be announced (same dates given for the Selfie Photo contest and People of Collar contest above) and awarded a $20 itune Gift Card. We’re looking again for Creativity here and some Wordplay. Here’s a not so good Example: The song “Roar” by Katy Perry should accompany my blog because people always roar with laughter when they read it!
Best Tagger: Who gets the best traffic from tags?
Best Muse: Who inspires your ideas? Which individual do you most find yourself telling to “hold that thought” for a second while you jot something down in your “Blog Notebook” You do have one of those, right?!?
Best Brusher-Off-er: Who (in real life) changes the subject the fastest when you bring up your Blog?
Best and Worse Dressed List
Clothing is a huge deal. I know. Just not here. And breasts are not going to be mentioned here at all. If you want to know why, go here. So alternatively, there will be no hiring Mr.
Blackwell Blogwell to ogle (blogle) and rave or conversely rant/diss any certain Blogger’s Pajamas Attire – – but the following categories will rhyme with the word “Dressed” instead. You should nod your head right about now and see this as a perfectly “suit”able solution.
Best Jest: Favorite Non-Serious Blog
Best Guest: Who regularly has the most interesting Blogger Guests writing for them?
Best Blessed: Whose Blog seems to have the most Gratitude or Grace?
Best Addressed: Who takes a Controversial Subject and Nails it?
Best Confessed: Who takes the opportunity of blogging to bare their soul, show their authentic truth?
Best Assessed: Who is the Best Reviewer you know. Books, Movies, Food, etc. Their opinion matters to you!
Best Compressed: Who can blog in the fewest words you know and still make it work? Really distill down their ideas so you just get the concentrated bottom line from them?
Best Distressed & Stressed: Who is always having an issue? Yes, this could be a Drama Blog, but maybe not?
Best Obsessed: Who focuses on just one topic every single solitary time, but you love them anyway?
Best Cardiac Arrest: Who shocks you the most with their outrageousness?
Best Nest: Which Parent Blogger gets the most “oohs and ahs” because their love of family shines through?
Best Quest: Who seems to have the loftiest goal or purpose in Blogging?
Best Teenage Blogger who is wise beyond their years: Hey that doesn’t rhyme? That’s right, just seeing if you are paying attention.
Best Contest: Who regularly has Blog Giveaways that excite you?
Best Pest: Who is that Blogger you wish you could secretly Unfollow?
Best Rest: Their Blog is where you hang out when you want to unwind and relax.
Best Freshly Pressed: And if they never got Freshly Pressed, then they should;ve been. But did you know it’s too late now? They’ve changed that here on WordPress. You can nominate yourself now. Check it out!
Best Detest: Okay, you hate their blog. You don’t follow it at all, but you’re aware of its presence and you want them to clean up their act.
Best Intelligence Test: Wow, are they just off the chart smart or what?? Do you even belong there as a reader? Yep, you do!
Best Request: They’re the Blog-Pleasers. They will do what you ask because they want crowd approval. But do you really know what they’re about?
Best Impressed: They are the equivalent of the
Name Blog-Dropper who wants you to admire their Blog for the Flash, not the substance.
Best Protest: They are never going to be happy unless they can keep blogging about how unhappy the world makes them.
Best Mae West: “Why don’t you come up and see me sometime?” That’s right, I finally ran out of rhymes that had any connection to blogging! And besides we needed a real movie star right about now.
Along with leaving a comment, Please don’t forget to enter one of the contests above (Selfie, Song or People Of Collar!) and we’ll see you next year at the BLOSCARS! Also if you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Barbie Became Jewish (besides having her Barb-Mitzvah) or you just enjoy my bizarre humor, please go RIGHT HERE and leave me a comment. But if you do leave a remark, pretend you don’t know me and that I’m not offering prizes on my blog so the editors will think I have lots of legit fans. ;-)