I Hate Hugging!


photo 1-20I’m staying indoors today. It’s National Hugging Day!  Are we serious here?  I used to despise St. Patrick’s Day because it was the one holiday that encouraged public touching. From the moment I stepped out of bed, I dressed in the “color du jour” from head to toe so there could be no mistake. Live Female Leprechaun standing before you, folks.  I was never one of those sly minimalists who tried to trick people into pinching me so I could say, “Aha! Betcha didn’t know I have green-trimmed socks!”

This is okay in my book.

This is okay in my book.

photo 5-1

This is still okay.

But National Hug Day has taken things too far. Ask people who know me. I have been against the concept of embracing for a long time. It’s not just in public that I abhor it, and not just with complete strangers.  Although you should see my reaction as I walk down the street in a college town and some sucker student stands on the sidewalk with his sign, “Free Hugs.”  (I used to think this was a fraternity dare, but now I think it’s how they penalize pupils with low GPA’s)

What kind of business model is this? An Accounting Major, obviously.

What kind of business model is this? An Accounting Major, obviously.

But intimate relationship hugging is not for me either. First of all, that “Circle of Personal Space” (that none of us want to have invaded) stays up 24/7 for me.  It doesn’t take little breaks.  There’s never a sign around my torso stating, “Circle out to lunch, back in an hour.” C’mon friends, if you approach me with open arms and observe a sideways ducking maneuver, I haven’t just walked into a spider web, I do NOT want your limbs thrown around me.  A hug is just a strangle that hasn’t completed itself yet. To that end, maybe I’ll wear yellow police tape to match my outfits.

This is okay too. Crazy, but okay.

This is okay too. Crazy, but okay.

The thing I fear most is that some politician will decide if “National Hugging Day” is good, having a “National Cuddle Day” will be even better. Hugging, you can at least hold your breath and count to three and it’s usually over.  Cuddling is absolutely just the PITTS  (Prolonged Intimate Touching Torture System) in my opinion. Really?  Tell me you enjoy falling asleep with your mate’s hot breath on your neck? And those little involuntary twitchings and jerkings, just as you’ve crossed “leg waxing” off from your mental to-do list for tomorrow and are finally slipping into those theta brain waves? And their inhales/exhales. You always gotta try and synchronize yours to theirs and when you finally match up perfectly, they’ll hold their breath and sputter.  No thanks.

On one of the many websites you can google today, to find out more info about this holiday, (though why would you want to?) I found 10 reasons why today is supposedly good for us.  I’ve allowed myself commentary in red font.

Little Miss Menopause’s Input on “Their” Justification on Why National Hugging Day Came Into Existence

1)    Hugs make us feel “happy”! When we hug another person, our bodies release oxytocin, a hormone associated with “happiness,” according to scientific studies.  This is also released during breastfeeding and orgasm, but do we have National Days for that?

2)    Hugs alleviate stress! Just as a good hug increases our oxytocin levels, it decreases our cortisol or “stress” levels. How is stress alleviated when all you can think about is “Can they feel my stomach protruding?  Will their perfume/cologne set off my allergies?  And WHAT is that in his pocket??”

3)    Babies need hugs as much as water and food! According to researchers at Harvard University, hugs help promote normal levels of cortisol necessary for child development.  Agreed.  I vote to change it to “National Hug an Infant Day.”

4)    Hugs make us better students! Students who receive a supportive touch from a teacher are twice as likely to volunteer in class.  And are ten times as likely to have a father who will see the school district in court.  And what exactly will the students volunteer to do?  Go first in dissecting a frog so that they can put their recent hugging trauma in perspective?

5)    Hugs improve our game! Scientists at University of California, Berkley discovered that the more affectionate members of a team are with each other, the more likely they are to win. Please stick to ass slapping.

6)    A hug a day keeps the doctor away! A hug stimulates the thymus gland, which in turn regulates the production of white blood cells that keep us healthy and disease-free.  And apples were removed from the prescribed “One-a-day” list because?  Don’t tell me hugs have fiber now.

7)    A hug stops the bug! Researchers at Carnegie Mellon proved that individuals who were sick and received hugs had less severe symptoms and were able to get better quicker. C’mon. That’s just absurd.  They simply couldn’t find anything else to rhyme with hug. (But I can – – “Give me a smug shrug instead of a hug, ya big lug!”)  Everyone knows there’s no better way to spread germs than bodily contact.

8)    A hugging heart is a healthy heart! Research from University of North Carolina showed that a good hug helps ease blood flow and lower cortisol levels, which in turn help lower our heart rates.  See? Still needing to resort to making up medical facts to defend this day.  If this is indeed true, why don’t surgeons have a couple of hearts snuggle up together in an incubator prior to transplanting one into their patient during “Open Hug Surgery?”

photo 1-19

This is NOT okay.

9)    A hugging couple is a happy couple! Couples that experience their partners’ love through physical affection share higher oxytocin levels.  Again with the oxytocin. Does this Stepford Wife to the left look happy?  Look closely.

10)    Hugs let someone know you care without having to say a word! So does a well-written Hallmark card. According to Dacher Keltner, professor of psychology at University of California, Berkeley, we can identify love from simple human touch – imagine how much love a big (virtual) hug can communicate!

Am I alone in feeling that hugs should be reserved for your enemies so you can know how big to dig the holes in your  backyard?  Who will you let hug you today??

58 thoughts on “I Hate Hugging!”

  1. “A hug is just a stranger that hasn’t completed itself.” Haha. Perfect. I’m in total agreement. And please explain cuddle parties. Just, no.

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  2. Pingback: Are You Hung Up On Phone Sex? | Once Upon Your Prime

  4. I will never look at hugs the same way again, Stephanie. An unrealized/incomplete strangle….classic! And I don’t enjoy prolonged cuddling either because like you, I hate the hot breath and movements while I try to relax. It’s bad enough that I’m a poor sleeper…puuuhhhllllleeeezzz. And yes when I hug, I do wonder about the protruding tummy and get self-conscious sometimes. As for the argument citing ‘the bug’…well, I’m pretty sure we get sick in the first place from hugging! Take that! Hahahaha! To be honest though, I don’t mind it that much. Actually, there’s a side of me that’s a hugger. So, when we finally meet, I hope I remember not to hug you. 😉

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  8. I didn’t know there was such a day- and as much as I don’t like just anyone hugging me I do feel left out. 🙂 I’m surprised there isn’t a national eye gazing day. Have you ever sat in a spiritual circle where someone makes eye contact and then to show how present you are, you maintain that eye contact and before you know it its been minutes of eye staring and no one seems to want to be the first to break gaze? I find it annoying and hilarious. Although if I met you in person, I would probably-with permissions- ask if I could hug you, Stephanie!

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  9. Here I thought I was all alone. When coming from a dysfunctional family one tends to shy away from hugging (there’s got to be an ulterior motive). Although my ex loved to cuddle and all I could do was think of Pepe LePew and his little crush and how she kept trying to get away from him (and no, hubby didn’t smell, I just felt trapped when all I wanted to do was sleep). Hmmm maybe this is why it didn’t work out. Oh well not losing any sleep over it. The post was most enjoyable 😉

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  10. I’m not much of a hugger either. I can’t think of anything worse than some short round woman (me) going towards some poor, unsuspecting soul, clumsily trading on their toe, and then nearly knocking their eye out as I go to fling my arms around them!

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  12. Everyone has a right to their opinion about hugging, and even though I don’t agree with yours ( I admit, I’m a hugaholic) – except for number 4 which is just icky – I enjoyed your opinions immensely. Laughter is almost as good as a hug, so if you don’t like hugging it seems very obvious that you DO like dishing out the laughing.
    🙂

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    • Hi! You’re like my favorite late night drop-in! Thank you for being a good sport about it all – – I stretched my truth (far more than your outstretched arms for an embrace, I bet!) because I think humor thrives on exaggeration and embellishment. So, though I don’t actually HATE hugging, it made for a grabby title (no pun intended) and then I just kinda held tight to my (would-be) convictions from there. Like when they made us write persuasive essays in 7th grade about wearing school uniforms.

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  13. It sounds like someone licked all the red off your candy. However, I think on number one in your list you may be onto something. I’ts pretty safe to say we won’t have a holiday for these things. Could you imagine what the sidewalks and parks would look like? I am certainly taking your advice on number five.

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  15. I love hugs and touching and rubbing and sleeping close and snuggling and entangling.
    Good for you in standing up for no huga hugga rubbin your way! Haha – what a fun read.

    Did you know that Donald a Trump, Mr. Business, refuses to shake hands? Germophobic!
    Everyone’s got their way of doing things.

    Cheers.

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  16. I also do not like hugs. At church, during the passing of the peace, there is always a few huggers. I do allow them to hug me, but it is an allow. I do not tend to partake/hug back. But I do prefer they warn me. Please, please, do not hug me without warning. I wish I could say I was my husband who has a fast elbow for contact he does not want. (Luckily I have not seen it in action.) But alas, I am not my husband. I don’t even like unexpected contact from my son. IE for some reason, I need to know it is coming. But then his hands are always sweaty. Even holding his hand is a bit distasteful. (He is 17, but his hands have been always sweaty for a number of years now.) Why do some men think they have to touch a female though? I have had one boss who had to occasionally touch my shoulder and car salesman never ever touch my husband, but almost all of them touch my shoulder. I am not an overly nice looking woman, it seems like they think we women need a tiny bit of human physical contact to connect with, or we won’t trust them or something. I don’t trust those who feel the need to touch me, when I don’t know them. Keep your hands to yourself!

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  18. When I come to see you (and by god, I will one day, rest assured) we can just maybe do that awkward kind of missed kiss thing…although something tells me you wouldn’t like that either. Maybe we can both kind of just stand at the door with our arms folded stiffly around us and just kind of bend our arms at the elbows to life our hands in the air, and say, ‘well, bye…’

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      • Well I certainly would have had you if my NY accent was as strong as it used to be but I’ll give it my best. You know, we do make it out to Legoland every year for my daughter’s birthday. How’s May for you?

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  19. I can’t believe no one commented on National Orgasm Day. Oh. Right. You don’t have one because you live in the USA. Another reason to love your northern neighbours in Canada. NOD, if you’d like to know, is on January 31st. It’s a huge tourism draw – sponsored by Bayer and Trojan.

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  20. Boy, you are really on a roll lately….changing it up and posting daily! I could learn to live with this. May even have to (not) hug you!

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  23. I’d like to know where to find the “Unlike” button. Hmmm I’ll have to see if I can unlike another one of your posts. Well, if I can’t unLike this, then maybe I can block everyone I know from reading it. Better yet, just send your extra huggers my way 😉 Postage prepaid, please.

    By the way, the “color du jour” for St. Patrick’s Day is orange. That’s what my mother taught me. Every St. Patrick’s Day, she sent me out in orange. I was in college before anyone told me that EVERYONE is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day.

    “A hug is just a strangle that hasn’t completed itself yet.” Now THAT got me thinking, and the I reconsidered. Hugs are great for identifying who is likely to strangle me. Stranglers have distinct ways of hugging that are a dead giveaway.

    Hugs…I mean slugs to you, my dear Steph. Two of my kids drove hours to have dinner with me tonight, and I’m taking all the hugs I can get 😉

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    • Hi Grace — I’m sooo sorry if this post rubbed you the wrong way– I can rub you, but not hug you!? Ha. Don’t even get me started on back massages! I know I am very atypical, especially for a female. But I’m taking more risks now with my humor and I know no matter what parts you don’t exactly like, we’ll always have snowballs between us!

      Bipolar Snowballs

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    • Hi Grace and the Hug-phobic Wonder, I believe Green is the colour for St. Pats day. The Irish flag Is divided into 3 colours: the green (closest to the pole) represents the Irish Protestants, the orange represents the Irish Catholics and the white that is between the colours, the oft-prayed for peace between the two religious factions.
      Loved this post Sweet Steph – gave me such a good laugh, although I have to confess I’ m unashamedly a hugger. Is that why I rarely visit my doc – perhaps I need to hug her to make up for my rare visits.
      Hey Grace – we can hug eachother and leave the ahem – leprechaun? to glower at us boost our oxytocin levels. 😋

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  24. I have had four awesome hugs from different people today, but they are all people I have allowed into the inner sanctum. I used to be the anti-hugger with a 24/7 no-touch zone, too. I still don’t care to be touched by strangers, let alone hugged. But if you are one of my people, hug away (just don’t use it as an excuse to “fat-check” my waistline)! 🙂

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    • “Fat-check” my waistline – – ha….I knew there was a name for what I think these underhanded folks are up to. Loved your cyber hugs on Twitter!! Thank you for always taking the time to comment here. It’s much appreciated!
      Steph

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  27. I’m sorry but I LOVE hugs! They make me feel great, but it can be weird coming from a stranger. It depends on what kind of vibe I get from them. I’m also a Southern Girl and a hug is like a handshake where I’m from.

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