Hanukkabulary (New words to use this Hanukkah)


photo-54 *Spellukah — n. A democratic way to settle any dispute over how you should write the word Chanukah. “You spell Hanukah, I spell Chanuka, let’s call the whole thing off!”

GeltnGuiltnGlutton – n. One who buys a big supply of those little mesh bags of chocolate gold coins weeks ahead of time in preparation for Chanukah parties and adorning presents, only to stealthily gobble them all up – – which results in more shopping trips to replenish original stash. (Similar phenomenon as occurs with Halloween candy.)

PresentStation – n. Designated area of the house (cleared away of all furniture by grunting, complaining males) for displaying ever-accumulating wrapped gifts for all eight nights. Most effective space includes motion detectors and iPhone surveillance system. Oy!

DecembeRemember — v. A way to remind children who envy their non-Jewish friend’s Christmas celebrations to appreciate their own. i.e. “Every year I need to DecembeRemember my twin sons that we get eight nights (all in a row!) of fun, while little Johnny down the block only has one measly morning. Sure!!

Nebbishwebish – adj. A description of an online invitation to a Chanukah party used primarily to save postage. Who cares? It’s not like Barbra Streisand or Adam Sandler emailed it to you. If they had, we’d call that, “NebbishCelebish.”

ShooJewzoo – v. The act of insisting that guests (upon their initial arrival) stop loitering in the kitchen, schmoozing, and attacking food like a bunch of untamed animals with ferocious appetites. (The formal living room (which is never allowed to be used) has been beautifully prearranged for this purpose, for heaven’s sake!)

L.A.S.E.R. – Acronym. Stands for: “Latke Applesauce Sourcream Eating Recruiter” One who makes it their business to convert a purist (single topping) latke consumer over to the other side — combining both fruit and dairy into one neat bite.

Ignoramenorah – adj. A way to describe children who rush through the beautiful tradition of candlelighting so they can rip into their presents (and the adults who allow this). The flame of materialism!

Brisketfixedit – v. The cocky action of giving unsolicited advice to the young hostess of a Chanukah party (usually by a wise grandmother type) that results in a moister main course. Often involves adding warm water (a “secret” ingredient?) to the pan drippings for extra gravy.

MessiahJeremiah – prop n. Someone (usually named Jeremiah, but can be a Joseph or even a Zack) who has religious sightings in the fun waxy build-up on the menorah base. There’s one in every bunch. Note: shapes resembling Jesus will be met with raised brows.

Fryerliargoodbyers – pl. n. Those who fabricate reasons why they cannot help cook the latkes in a deep pan of oil, (spattering hot grease all over their blouse) then abruptly depart the kitchen.

Fryercomplier – n. That lone individual who remains near the stovetop after all other fryerliargoodbyers have exited because he/she couldn’t think fast enough.

Jiltguilt – n. Feeling of obligation to come back inside kitchen to help the overwhelmed ‘Fryercomplier,’ who was previously abandoned. This results in a “Mitzvah-Shvitza-Splitza.” (see below)

Mitzvah-Shvitza-Splitza – n. The unspoken agreement between the two people who end up frying all the latkes together. Their reward for perspiring over the burning stove? Getting to share as much potato pancakes as they want, (fresh from the pan while they’re still hot!) before carrying out the cold platter for the other lazy bums. Also known as “WarmaKarma.”

WinchellsmellJell – adj. Description of that telltale scent which is evidence that the hostess purchased her Sufganiyot (traditional jelly donuts) at an outside chain establishment, rather than deep-frying them up homemade. Can you really blame her? Enough of the oil already! We get the miracle…. it burned for 8 long days.

*(Spellukah!) Just for fun – Here’s how many online searches there were in 2014 for the different variations of the word.  Oy!  Jews can never agree.  Happy Holidays!

Hanukkah : 8,470,000 
Chanukah : 3,390,000 
Hanukah : 862,000 .
Hannukah : 677,000 
Chanuka : 335,000 
Chanukkah : 274,000 
Hanuka : 192,000 
Channukah : 128,000 
Chanukka : 116,000 
Hanukka : 86,300 
Hannuka : 51,400 
Hannukkah : 37,300 
Channuka : 33,600 
Xanuka : 992 
Hannukka : 686   
Channukkah : 508 Channukka : 489 
Chanuqa : 25

 

Please visit me at In The Powder Room, a funny brilliant website where I have had a 3-part humor series going on.

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34 thoughts on “Hanukkabulary (New words to use this Hanukkah)

  1. Now that Hanukkah has past I have had the opportunity to see these words of your come to life in those around us. Of course pointing fingers would be rude so we just made a game of it. We wrote these new words down and taped it to peoples backs and by asking questions they had to guess who they were. Of course some family members guessed right away, but since there short term memory was quite bad their game lasted all of Hanukkah. Oh, and you reminded me, I think my short ribs are done.

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  2. Happy Hanukkah to you, Steph. 8 days of fried food? Where can i sign up? (You can bet i’d be by the fryer ‘testing’ – ok, troughing – all the food whilst it’s hot.)
    I hope the ribs feel better soon. You always have my sides hurting with laughing, so i can empathise. Xx

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      • Only you could injure yourself BEFORE such a trip!
        Have a marvellous time though. I assume there will be log-burning fires and warming beverages to indulge in as you gaze out upon the snow? Let the others hurl themselves down the mountain/across ice whilst you sit there like the ice queen, surveyor of all.

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  3. WarmaKarma – bwahahahaha! And I didn’t know Coleridge was Jewish – “In Xanuka did Kubla Khan/A stately pleasure-dome decree”.

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  4. I had some dishwashing liquid that I was sure would be used up at the beginning of the week but it lasted right to the end relieving me of an extra trip to the grocery store. Do you consider this a Hanukkah miracle? Also, is there a term for a Jew who celebrates Christmas or a Jew who’s half Jewish kids keep begging her for a tree? (Not that I know anyone like that.)

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  5. I had been wondering when you were going to come by and do a post on exactly this topic. However, I’ve never quite understood why Jews are so fond of a cut of meat that sounds like “Bris kit.” I mean, other than the fact that brisket is tasty…

    Have a happy Xanukkah. (I was glad to see an X spelling offered. Seriously.)

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  6. I love those gold coins! My mom always used to put them in our stockings for good luck. Is that allowable as a Christmas treat, or should I be suffering from my own form of GeltStealingGilt? However you may spell it, Happy Chanukah/ Hannukah to you & yours Stephanie!

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