Are You Hung Up On Phone Sex?


couple phone sexAs a convenient service to my readers, I occasionally take online “How To” articles and expand on them so they’re more accurate.  This will enable you to better accomplish your goals, (which let’s just suppose for today is, “How To Have Better Phone Sex!”) in a more expedient manner.

See, I’ve got your number.  And you’re welcome!

This article was originally from Wiki How and can be found HERE with outrageous graphic illustrations that depict a woman getting ready to . . .  uh, shampoo her hair??

Let’s Begin! My additions will be in red font and will luckily include much more than scintillating dialogue like this: 

“What are you wearing?”

“I don’t know.  What are YOU wearing?”

PART 1 (The Introduction)

Phone sex is a great way to spice up your sex life, whether you’re doing it because your partner is far away, (does the kitchen count?) because you’re not ready to have other kinds of sex together, because you just want to try something new, or any other reason like needing to have unique blogging material. To have great phone sex, you need to let loose, stop being self-conscious, (yes, remind yourself the phone probably hasn’t shaved its legs in weeks, either) and be ready to get turned on, no matter how silly you may feel at first. (“Silly” probably wasn’t the adjective you were feeling, but now that “Silly” has been mentioned, you probably cannot help envisioning how “Silly” the phone below would look on your partner’s ear)

phone sex

If you want to know how to have phone sex, just follow these very easy steps.  Hmm, shouldn’t one of these steps be very Hard? At least for him?

  1. Set up a phone date. While it’s true that, as with any other kind of sex, phone sex can “just happen”, the session is more likely to go well if you’ve planned ahead, especially if it’s your first time doing it together. There is probably a ready-made invitation you can send from evite.com but make sure the RSVP info is clear. You do not want to be stood up for this particular activity. And will it be potluck or catered?  If you do not have a special someone already to have phone sex with then you could try a phone sex chat line number such as 1-888-392-5412.  Yes, although this phone number is just one digit off from the As Seen On TV “Hurricane Spinning Kitchen Linoleum Cleaner”  so be careful because instead of dropping your drawers, you’ll just be mopping your floors.
  2. Pick a time when you’re both alone and free to let your inhibitions loose. (Extremely wild inhibitions may do better abiding by local leash laws.) Your plan won’t work if you’re rolling around in bed, feeling hot and heavy, (hot, as in hot flashes? Heavy, as in that extra 25 lbs?) while your partner is shivering in the rain outside the library. (Your partner is intellectual enough to visit a library, but not intelligent enough to take shelter inside during a storm?)
  3. If your partner is new to phone sex or feeling unsure, consider sending them this article, or reading it together. If your partner is already a phone sex expert, then send ’em my blog on I Hate Hugging. They’ll feel blessed to have you as a partner instead of me!
  4. Don’t forget that you can always discuss what you’d like to do during phone sex before you start. Great point. How about designing a personalized menu for both of you to choose from? i.e. Let’s say his name is Gus. You can order up a side of Steamed AssSpareGus. You get the idea.

PART 2 (The Setting)

Let loose and get in the mood. It will be difficult for you to enjoy yourselves if you feel tense or Silly, (oops!  There’s the mention of Silly again.  Now you’re thinking about this . . .)finger

So before you call, do whatever you need to do to get yourself comfortable and feeling sexy.  If you’re the one in that pouring rain outside the library, get a seductive looking umbrella.

  • Let loose: Lie in bed for a while, (browse the internet, have a glass of wine, jog on the spot, do some singing and silly dancing in front of the mirror — anything that will allow you to release the tension from your body.) If you keep your drapes open for all the jogging, singing and dancing, you may not have time for any phone sex since the neighbors will have beaten you to the telephone. They’ll call the asylum.
  • Get in the mood: Setting up a sexy atmosphere can help put you in the right frame of mind, so consider doing whatever you’d do to prepare for any other kind of sex. Here are some ideas:
    • Tidy up your room and make the bed (this was written by Merry Maids, Inc.)
    • Turn off lights, perhaps set up some candles (nice touch if you forgot to pay the electric bill)
    • Play soft music (Actually your cell might already have just the perfect melody programmed into itunes or some other app, but you’ll never know unless you get your phone turned-on.)
    • Have a bath or shower (and a shave, if you like) Yes! Poor hygiene is a real hot button. Your mobile device is very dialed in to this issue and you don’t want to push its buttons.
    • Put on (or take off!) your favorite, sexiest clothes and underwear. I have nothing to add.
    • Set out a sex toy (Be careful that it’s not another battery operated gadget because your cell phone may feel jealous and possibly even replaced. You could convince your phone that this is actually for a ménage à trois. However it may not fall for this trick since it’s a Smartphone.)
    • Turn yourself on by gently caressing your body, or thinking about your lover, or imagining sexual encounters you’ve had or would like to have… but don’t let yourself get too turned on just yet — that’s what the phone call is for!  Definitely don’t get too worked up! It’s much better to stay in that Silly frame of mind (mentioned numerous times earlier) so your partner will sense your arousal when you finally quit singing, “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and stop dancing like Dick Van Dyke.

Part 3 (The Climax) Coming Soon!cell phone sex

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56 thoughts on “Are You Hung Up On Phone Sex?

  1. Pingback: “Wow! You Should Be a Guided Meditation Leader!” | Once Upon Your Prime

  2. As ABBA said, “Ring, ring, Why don’t you give me a call”.

    That top photo gives new meaning to “putting your ear to the ground”. Might as well put the ground to your ear, if you don’t want to get dirty.

    How convenient that phones are now hands-free.

    I like your menu idea. I wonder what else you might put on it.

    My favorite part of the WikiHow How To Have Phone Sex article was the end: “We could really use your help!” specifically, “Can you tell us about Harvard Business School?” I’ll bet that their students could tell us a lot about phone sex 🙂

    I’m going to turn on my phone now 😉 I do like to push its buttons 😉

    Like

  3. Hmmm, you seem to certainly have this dialed in. With all the new apps out there it would be easy to step it up a notch with video. Certainly if you had a smart phone wouldn’t it know to switch the ring setting to strong vibrate or perhaps pulsed setting. I believe if you are on a party line that would constitute and orgy. Of course some of your readers may still be dating so wrapping your phone in saran wrap, could that be considered safe sex? Terrific piece you have here.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh, I became quite good at this when my boyfriend and I were going through our long distance period of our relationship. Guess I’ll just have to settle for the real deal now 😉
    Loved the bit about the smart phone too! ❤
    Michelle

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  5. Pingback: Phone Sex . . . Your True Calling? (Part 2) | Once Upon Your Prime

  6. Love your advice although I would be no good at phone sex. Probably set fire to the bedroom by knocking over the candles I’ve lit to set the mood, Having the Fire Brigade barging into your burning bedroom rather kills the mood somewhat. Then again,everyone loves a man in uniform….you never know your luck!

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  7. By the way, I tried to reach you last night. But your 1-900 number had been disconnected due to non-payment. I was so desperate that finally I called 1-900-PSY-CHIC. The woman I talked to was very helpful. Said that the cards said I was getting addicted. I needed a different routine to release the tension. Perhaps reading a crystal ball might do or channel some Neanderthal named Wilbur. And when I say Neanderthal, I am not speaking metaphorically. I did email the psychic your pic. She said you had a nice aura for someone your age. So thanks. I do have to tell you that she sounded a little like you when I talked to her on the phone.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. A good start Stephanie. I think we need to also think about what happens when you’re mother calls on the either line and you choose not to answer so then she starts texting, wondering what you’re doing, if you hurt yourself or died or something and then when you still don’t answer she had your brother call…

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  9. This doesn’t work if you have an old crank phone like I do. It’s embarrassing to be kicked off the party line. Before they booted me they said I was creating a “dull” tone. Lol funny post! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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