I don’t own a regular camera so I was very interested in the unusual ways you can use your cell phone to capture “the moment.” I’ve now thought up ways that even Kodak would consider obsessive.
I know you’ve probably used yours to take inventory of what’s in your suitcase before traveling, or even photographed your car so you remember where to find it at the shopping mall. Fun times. The attendant loves driving me around in his little security cart playing “Auto Findo” based on the crooked, blurry shot of my license plate adjacent to a trash dumpster. And if I weren’t Jewish I would use it to record where the Easter eggs were hidden so I wouldn’t have stale jelly beans under my television stand when Christmas came around. Don’t think about that one too long. I also don’t fish so there’s no sense in using it to remember which part of a stream the abalone were biting last week. See why I don’t fish?
So now without further ado . . . (and really what IS “Ado?” Can we capture it on film?)
Little Miss Menopause’s Unique (but not necessarily useful) Cell Camera Idea List
1) While at the beach or pool, check out your backside to make sure you’re not getting sunburn. Then photograph other sun worshipper’s backs to prove to them they’ve had enough.
2) When you loan out a book or a power tool to someone, take their picture holding the item so you’ll remember who has it. Pretty soon word will get out and unattractive friends will stop asking to borrow from you.
3) Record for posterity the exact level of ice-cream in a partially eaten half gallon container before the babysitter comes over so you have evidence.
4) Capture the covers displayed on your bathroom magazine rack when you have a clogged toilet so you can make sure and put different issues out next time the plumber visits.
5) Snap your last haircut so you can bring it back to the stylist next time and insist she do it the exact same way. Alternatively, bring it to a new beautician and admonish her never to cut your hair like that. Ever.
6) Take a picture of the hot/cold lever in the shower so you remember how it’s swiveled for just the perfect temperature. Do the same thing with the little dial on your toaster after you’ve crisped the perfect bagel.
7) Take a selfie of yourself thru a peephole of a front door so you know how far back to stand, what angle you should tilt your head, and how widely you should smile to make the best (concavely distorted) first impression.
8) Click yourself each time you go to a funeral so you’re not wearing the same outfit. Do you want the dearly departed to think you only own one black dress?
9) Take a picture of your child’s pouting/frowning face so next time you threaten that it will freeze that way, you will be able to illustrate.
10) Keep all photos of you, your friends and relatives (at concerts, parties, vacations) caught blinking and post them all online in an album called, “My New Narcolepsy Support Group.”
11) When your kids ask you to buy certain cookies or a junky cereal that you don’t want them to have, move all of this product aside in the grocery store and take a picture of the empty shelf (with price tag) to show they sold out. “Sorry, there was a big run on Lucky Charms cereal this week, guys.”
12) Take a selfie both laughing and frowning – decide which expression causes the least amount of wrinkles. Assume that expression 100% of the time during any emotional outburst.
There you go! Now you can forget about using your cellphone as a mirror, that’s completely old school. You have a dozen new ways to make your life more interesting. And here’s a bonus. Always forgetting where you leave your cell phone? Take a picture of the location that you’re about to set it down in. Ta Da! Don’t think about that one too long either.
Which one is your favorite? How about you? Any unusual ways you’ve used your camera or video?
*See what I’m talking about on The Huffington Post just today (especially if you need a refresher course in driving!) Click HERE.
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Hilarious post. I really liked this one. I think your uses for camera phones are far better than what most people use them for!
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Who goes fishing for bologna anyway? And I never go to Walmart. I don’t want to end up on the People of Walmart site.
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Walmart? How did that enter into the conversation?
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Isn’t that where all the selfies are taken?
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Oh! Silly me– don’t shop there, I thought that was still where all the moms took their kids to get spanked! But yay… It just went up on The Huffington Post right now…. Will ya share? http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6560056
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🙂
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This was the best post ever!
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Aww, good to see you!! Thank you so much. Happy New Year, btw.
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Oh my God! I am implementing several of these forthwith (and not all because some I do already do!). Friends had better come well dressed when they borrow something!
DO the perfect settings on the toaster/shower exist though? Not sure I’ve found either yet!
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Well dressed….good one! And the perfect shower setting is precisely at the exact moment the kids burn the toast and yell for your help.
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Another brilliantly funny post my friend. I don’t have a smartphone. Idiotphone, yes ! ❤
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Doesn’t matter cuz you’re a brilliant user!
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Argh! I don’t even own one black dress. 😉
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The dearly departed will allow you a fashion faux pas.
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6 is my favorite.
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good to know and thank you so much for responding!
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I love the idea of taking photos of people who borrow things from you, they can’t deny the evidence! Also I like the beach one but here in UK our backside is our bum, so ii was amused at the idea of people twisting around trying to get a picture of their arse! Not easy when you have one the size of mine. Anyway, I am pretty adventurous and have taken a video on my phone! Miss Hap’s sports day. Sh won the skipping race, and the footage I got was of a lot of grass, other parents that got in the way, and me screaming to cheer her on I did not however, get her skipping over the finish line first! I was being far too ambitious!
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oh videos – – quite another story! I am working on my coordination for that! Skipping races – – sounds positively lady like! Congrats.
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Well I haven’t mastered the video any more than I did using the camera! Thanks, I was proud, (and thrilled that she didn’t trip over the skipping rope)!
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Love the idea of capturing who borrowed my books – I’ve lost a few favourite ones. Someone also borrowed my craft glue gun and I can’t recall who. I need a photographic memory! 😃
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Photographic memory!????!!!! Wendy, where oh where were you when I needed that writing # 2 for this post? Oy! Perfect. Thank you.
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OMG like, this is brilliant. I always have a farewell party for any books I lend out and say a tearful goodbye knowing they will never be returned. Now I will include a mugshot like tag with the photo of them and the book so I can prove them to be the thieves they are. You are seriously one of the most amazing people alive. xx
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Reading this makes my year! And 2015 just started, right? Seriously, thank you so much. I must show my sarcastic know-it-all nuclear engineer son that someone (and not just someone, a Temple yet!) described a post of mine with the “B” word.
many thanks!
Stephanie
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He he ha ha… Your son knows nothing…. All those engineering neutrons are blurring his appreciation for the genius you are..
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I’m right there with you, just how sneaky are those ado, I have never seen one, have YOU? I must say I do not want to nit pick but streams usually refer to fresh water. Abalone are salt water creatures, so just thinking if you were in a stream looking for abalone we now know why you did not find them. If you are attending so many funerals that you are worried about duplicating your attire you may want to start taking more pictures of those around you. Now you see then, now you don’t. Okay, that was tacky, but, I did see you smile.
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Uhh, I don’t mean to be picky in return, but I intentionally picked abalone to make it funny since they aren’t in streams and they most certainly won’t take any bait. In fact, they often ARE the bait, right? Now all I need to figure out is the plural of abalone? Is it just as is, smartie pants? 😉 But you’re comment about taking photos of all my living friends since I attend so many funerals was quite humorous. Thanks.
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This was lol funny! My fave is the plumber.
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Thank you Kind Sir
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I don’t know how you think of so many funny posts. I wish I could think of the quality of humorous articles like you do but I guess that will never be. You see I suffer from further ado. 🙂
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You suffer from nothing. You’re perfect.
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I’m loving no 9 – my 18 yr old daughter pulls some really weird faces 🙂
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hi there! 18 is never too old to teach a really good visual lesson too. 😉 Thank you so much for commenting!
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I’ll take the bait: what were the abalone biting?
I joined the ranks of smartphone owners just a couple months ago. I’ve zoomed forward in time! Thanks for the tips!
I liked the loaning photo op until I realized that it could bite me back. No one will lend me anything after my picture cracks their lens.
The selfie through the peephole is in line with my warped reasoning when I’ve locked myself out: that I’d like to be in my house so I can get my keys.
My favorite uses for my phone camera are paperkarma (for reducing the amount of junk mail that I receive), and scanning bar codes to find deals. Now, you say that I can use it as a mirror? Maybe katiemorningstar will use it to find the mirror in her purse.
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Apparently the abalone were not biting because she only had a picture of the bait. Which don’t look so tasty on a hook.
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I suppose the abalone are an open and shut case?
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ahhh, this is great! So you two finally meet! This is gonna be great! Abalone is or is NOT plural? One of you help me with that?
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Abalone is both singular and plural.
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I think it’s like bologna, you know?
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Hysterical! And of course I love you since you also lock yourself out of your home. Friday night I did both my rental car and the place I was staying all in one fell swoop! That’s much more difficult than catching abalone(s?) on a fishing hook!
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I think abalone is/are like bologna, you know?
I find locking myself out MUCH easier than catching shellfish on a hook
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How about taking pictures of your fully accessorized outfits so next time you want to wear that dress you know exactly what shoes and jewelry to accessorize with. That’s almost a great idea!
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Before I became “Little Miss Menopause” I was “Little Mismatched” I seriously couldn’t coordinate fashion if you came over and laid out the accessories for me. After you sang and did your Fran Drescher impression, of course.
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Oh, the fun we could have Stephanie! Makeovers, Fran Drescher impersonations, sing alongs…seems like a scene out of Grease!
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I only have pictures of my feet and the inside of my purse on my phone…
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Miss Morningstar – – you are incorrigibly adorable!
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