Loudspeaker: Welcome to Lingerie Anonymous where we raise our Underawareness. Females use, misuse, and abuse us. We get hung, flung, wrung, sprung, and molested by his tongue. Whether we’re sexually exploited or put through the spin cycle, it’s our duty to speak out. Now please join me in reciting “The Sanitary Prayer.”
Help us accept the things we cannot change . . . like thrift store underwear, pantie-liners, and the way she’d rather toss us than wash us.
Loudspeaker: At this time, I’d like to turn the meeting over to Victoria’s Secret Pink Boy Shorts for a few announcements.
VS Pink Boy Shorts: The votes are in for our new name. From here on, we’ll be known as “The Delicates.” I’m sorry but “The Intimate Apparels” didn’t win. Too old fashioned.
Strapless Bra: Who counted our ballots?
VS Pink Boy Shorts: Woolite did. And I think we can all trust Woolite with “The Delicates.” VS Pink Boy Shorts: Also our guest speaker was involved in a tragic accident and won’t make it today. It’s a shame because she found her true purpose and was quite inspirational. May she breast in peace.
Minimizer: Meh. What’s all the flap about? Just another Nursing Bra. You’re always making something out of nothing. An infant spit up on her while playing Peek-a-boob, so they hung her out to dry. Big whoop.
Strapless Bra: If you’re done minimizing maternity, I have an important confession. After months of wriggling my way down to her waist just five minutes after she puts me on, I’ve come to the conclusion that I actually identify as a garter belt.
Negligee: The Trans-Undergarment meeting is down the hall. It’s a rough road, but if you know deep down you’re really a retro sex object for men, you can slowly transition. Who wants to talk next?
Padded Pushup Wonderbra: I’ll go. I need to get this off my chest. I’m feeling deflated and on the brink of collapse. All the deception gets me down. I support her knockout knockers in low cut tops on date nights, and I’m all about amazing cleavage pics on Facebook. But at some point, both my “Girls” gotta be more authentic.
Sports Bra: I can relate to the fantasy not matching the reality. Every morning, she plucks me determinedly from the drawer and I think,“Hooyah, a real workout! Jogging by the lake, some treadmill action, or calisthenics.” But within ten minutes I’m cooling my seamless cups at the smoothie bar while she runs her mouth, not her legs. The woman has zero discipline. Athlete Shmathlete.
Training Bra: Cheer up, maybe they’ll ban bras or burn them again?
Demi-Cup: Nah, going braless was a big flop. But what do you know? Are you even mature enough to be here?
Underwire Bra: I’d like a turn please before it gets down to the wire. I’m so angry, I could poke someone’s eye out. I hate that ‘Wicked” Show. She’s always singing, “Defying Gravity” whenever she puts me on. It’s enough to make a bra go haywire.
Animal Print Undies: And how many times must she “meooow” or belt out Katy Perry’s “Roar” song? She thinks she’s so wild.
Red lacy bikinis: Ooh la la. We’re gonna get some!
Walmart 5 Pack Special: Sluts.
Convertible Bra: Listen, if it makes you feel any better. . . I’ve got nine different positions and I can only remember four. She keeps wearing this complex backless sundress — the classic booby trap for bras!
Black Cotton Underwear: Look, you brassieres have it easy. In fact it’s the breast job ever. When I come out of the closet, you can bet it means one thing. Stains are in my future. And we all know what kind, too. Let’s face it — I’m just sacrificial panties.
Granny Panties: At least you all see the light of day. Draped seductively over her dressing room chair or posing for a selfie. I’m a shut-in. Bottom of the pile. Every once in a while, I’m allowed out under sweatpants. It’s elder abuse, I tell you!
Bathing Suit Bottom: I don’t know what you’re all complaining about. I wouldn’t even have to come to these groups if she’d just do her damn laundry once in a while.
Men’s Boxer Shorts: I know this isn’t a co-ed meeting, but man I hope he’ll reclaim me one day. There’s only so many Lifetime movies and Ben & Jerry’s binges a fellow can take. I’ll be quiet now and I promise not to flirt with Super Frilly Shit today.
Super Frilly Shit: Well, I haven’t made much progress with my issues. Just to catch up the newcomers . . . she bought me for an illicit, steamy affair but there was no way I could lay flat under those skinny jeans. Man, what was that chick thinking? You can’t muffle a ruffle. Nowadays I pride myself on being passive aggressive – – I can make that bitch itch like nobody’s business!
Slip: I think we should lighten things up a bit with a joke. I was a great last minute Halloween costume this past year. She pinned words on me like “Psychology” and “Ego” and “Id.”
Men’s Boxer Shorts: What the hell for?
Slip: I was a “Freudian Slip.”
Walmart Special: Ha Ha. But it ain’t no laughing matter. My self-esteem is completely shot. Along with my elastic. I’m the underwear your mother warns you not to wear in case of a traffic accident. Tattered and torn — I’m just hoping she’ll march for “Fray Pride Week.”
Thong: Well I have a classic identity crisis. I swear I used to be a generic name for beach flip-flops. Tell me I’m not the only one who remembers that? Anyhow I’m cool with all the dental floss jokes, even a little cheek suffocation, but I draw the line at being edible. WTF?!
Nude & Seamless: You should try being invisible. I can’t believe . . . Shhh, someone’s coming. Oh I just knew this would happen. I’m afraid we’ve said too much already.
SPANX: Quiet down everyone! Get your big girl panties on and deal with it. I’ve had just about enough of your bellyaching, thigh slapping, body snarking, woe-is-me crap. If I come into your homes, you’ll all be out of work so fast it’ll make your thread spin. Every last one of you. Where’s the gratitude?
Men’s Boxer Shorts: Leave it to Spanx to pull ranks. Everybody give thanks to Spanx. Ya buncha Skanks!
All Lingerie: All hail to the Queen of Shapewear. Spanx rules!
Loudspeaker: Talk about Control Issues.
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Oh, this is hilarious! Love it!
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Hey thanks so much for reading and commenting!
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So funny! I love it!
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Thank you so very much!
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hahahaha – Spanx rule!
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Thanks so much – – they do rule! Even though when I remove them, I’m reminded of Pillsbury Pop n Fresh dough!
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OMG – that describes my reality so well. I wish it didn’t
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just hilarious Steph….you have got it going on…
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Thank you – – trying to guess who this might be?
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Oh dear! XD
So this conversation is going on in my chest of drawers?
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You know it! They are talking about YOUR chest in your chest of drawers. lol.
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I laughed so hard all the way through this! Hilarious.
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Thanks so much for taking the time and stepping out to comment!
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Initially I thought this post was pants, but then I realised it was just small(s) talk. Don’t get ’em in a twist over Easter my friend as I hope you have a good holiday. 😀 ❤
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No twists! Well except maybe good plot twists, eh, Ralph? Have a great holiday yourself.
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Heehee !
Thank you my friend. Happy Eater ….typo….. Easter 😀 ❤
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This was an eye-opener 😀 I am learning
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Uh oh! What did you get taught??
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A couple of forms of lingerie that I am yet to exploit. That includes the Queen
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Back away from the Spanx and nobody gets hurt. 😉
http://m.spanx.com/categories/tn_spx_bdyst/products
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I feel so welcome 😀
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You forgot one. That male superhero, Jock Strap. And his theme song: ” Pair of jock straps, pair of jock straps, Door may move, door may move. Sunny late to moo, Sunny late to moo, Ding, dang, dong.” I especially like that final phrase. Seems very appropriate here.
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Well, this was just ladies underwear, Sir. You’re in the wrong department with your little song!
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You have certainly done it again. Great dialogue for the Kitty cover and of course the thong comment. Those accident lines could go off in many directions. What a fling, I have some other thoughts butt, lets keep the panties clean and not slip any off color comments inside.
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Thank you Dr. Wordplay!
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How do you ever come up with these ideas?! I wish I could really see how you put on your thinking caps! Hilarious post! 🙂
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Thanks! I guess weirdness breeds strangeness. So good to see you!
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If that’s what weirdness does, it is time I bred some. 😉
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A Freudian slip, is that anything like a Macy’s girdle? And, by the way, what about the girdle having it out with the Spanx for usurping her?
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I thought about bringing old school girdles into this and garters and stockings too. But then I decided could footwear be far behind? I really didn’t want to sock it to my readers.
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Yes, where does it end?
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Freudian slip! HY-STER-IC-AL! After 4 kids and years of nursing I had to stop wearing blue shoes just so people would stop saying, “Here come the blue-footed Boobies!” Whudda ya got for me?
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Now THAT”S funny! Hey bunkie, my mother had to have some hip surgery and I got all off kilter with things – – can you please resend me your address? Thank you!
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Wishing her a speedy recovery!
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Wow, I love it! I’m surprised no one complained about being a sling-shot when they’ve been taken off! LOL
Great fun…thanks
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oh the old sling shot factor!! Yes, this darn thing was getting too long but I wanted to get into garter belts and stockings too. Hmph. Nobody will read it over 1,000 words though. But thank YOU for reading AND commenting!
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LOL Funny. I liked “Freudian Slip.”.
The only thing mine ever say is “I hope were not seen in an accident”. 🙂
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HAHA. I have had this idea for a long time to do a Paramedic Panty line for women whose mothers warn them about putting on nice underwear in case of accidents. Thanks, Tom.
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That. Was. Awesome.
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Hey! So happy to see you hear. Thank you kindly. I’ve been wanting to play with this one for a while now. Have a great weekend, you!
Stephanie
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