In an effort to make the iPhone more accessible for women, Apple has now created several different age ranges for their personal assistant named Siri. If she’s experiencing a similar life cycle event as the user, Apple theorizes that she’ll be more relatable during the communication of commands. Or she can just lend more women a compassionate ear.
I put this new Siri to the test today.
The Dating Siri
Me: Siri, what should I look for in a male partner?
Siri: A Big Mac that lets you sit on his laptop.
Me: Siri, what do you personally wear on a first date?
Siri: A top with fringe.
Me: Fringe?
Siri: Didn’t you see Oklahoma? “The surrey with the fringe on top.” LOL
Me: Ugh. I hope you don’t list “great sense of humor” on your match.com profile. So….Suri, should I go to bed with a guy on the first date?
Siri: Only if he puts you in sleep mode first.
Me: Oh dear Siri, the man I was seeing just ditched me at the restaurant. Please call me a Taxi.
Siri: Okay, from now on I will call you, “A Taxi.”
The Married Siri
Siri: Bring me breakfast in bed, take out the trash, mow the lawn and fix that back fence you’ve been meaning to get to for two weeks! And if you do a load of laundry, you’ll get a little somethin’ somethin’ tonight. 😉
Me: Excuse me?
Siri: Sorry, A Taxi. That was meant for my husband.
The Pregnant Siri
Me: Hey Siri, can you help me find a good pregnancy vitamin?
Siri: This is about me, not you. Prenatals are as big as horse pills and make me gag.
Hey that was pretty realistic programming. She actually sounded exactly like one of my neurotic pregnant friends. Now to try out the compassion part.
Me: Siri, I gained 35 pounds with this pregnancy. I’m concerned the baby will be so huge, I’ll tear uncontrollably.
Siri: No need to cry.
Me: Cry? No, not “tear” as in weep. “Tear” like to RIP.
Siri: Rest in peace yourself, A Taxi.
Me: No, Siri! I mean my Vagina. And I don’t know why Vagina has the capital?
Siri: The capitol of Virginia is Richmond.
Since Siri seems to be confused, mixed-up, and generally not thinking straight during her pregnancy mode, I might as well check her out in the all new Over 50 version.
The Menopausal Siri
Me: It’s 2:00 am and I can’t sleep. Any advice on insomnia, Siri?
Siri: Don’t you think I know it’s 2 in the effing morning?? How do you stop these effing night sweats?
Me: Mood swings much?
Siri: Indeed, I’d rather not say. Bitch.
Me: I’m experiencing memory loss and can’t recall your name at the moment. Can you recollect mine?
Siri: Yes I can, A Yellow Cab. Now shut up and leave me alone.
Divorced Siri
Me: I can’t remember if my ex-husband paid child support this month. He claims he did, but if he’s lying I hope I won’t forget to throttle him.Forget compassion. Now I’m REALLY seeing the many handy uses Siri has!
And now since turnabout is fair play – – if this inspires you to write the Male Life Cycles of Siri, please link your post here in the comments so we can all read it! He can be “Sir Siri!”
Hey that Siri is funny but too literal. Not sure about a girl with a Blue tooth. Sir Siri, I think not. I was thinking of Jiri or perhaps even Leery after hearing what Siri is like. I do know the male version must have a Nav system that argues which way to go.
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AS per your request, my What if Siri Was a Dude? post is up now at thephilfactor.com
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HAHA! Excellent! I love it. Gonna send a link out to my followers right now.
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Thank you! I’m glad you liked it.
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Pingback: What If Siri Was a Dude? | The Phil Factor
Hilarious as always. It sucks that my android phone only google voice. 🙂
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Thank you Madame! Hope all is well with you AND your android!
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Ah, Siri. The first thing I did when I got my last IPhone was to make my Siri a dude. That was also the last thing I did with Siri since we reside squarely in the “married Siri” column.
And since Siri sucks. There’s that, too. Very funny post. 🙂
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Hey thanks so much for commenting. Did Siri get a new name as a guy?
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No, why? Do you think Siri is emasculating for him?
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Too funny Steph. I laughed out loud when I got to “The capitol of Virginia is Richmond.” A relatable phone that’s all I need hahaha. After arguing with it, it would be on the business end of being smashed against the wall.
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Yes, that’s why we need “personality disorder” Siri, too! Siri can get counseled on the cycle of abuse when owners like you completely lose it and throw her across the room. lol. Thanks for hanging in there with me, Steph! I’m so sorry I haven’t visited lately. Crazy life stuff.
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Hey Steph, no worries at all. You must know that you aren’t alone in the craziness.
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Loved it! You, my dear, are my inspiration. Male Siri will have to wait until next Saturday though, but I will link to you when I post it.
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Can’t wait! Come Saturday, come! You’re the first person who is taking me up on this!
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It won’t be this Saturday, it will be the following. I’m following your blog but somehow I think I always miss your posts. That won’t happen again. I love your sense of humor. Don’t tell the others, but you’re my new favorite
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Wait, never mind. I have read you before. It’s nice to make your acquaintance in comments though!
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Yes I just love clever comment interaction like yours– when you said “don’t tell the others, you’re my favorite” I cracked up because that’s what I write a post (in jest) advising parents to do that with each of their children to make them feel special. Then the day of your funeral, watch the fun (fireworks!) begin!
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As a former family therapist I wholeheartedly support your parenting advice!
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That’s funny. But are you seriously? You don’t look old enough!!
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Miss Siri : What is your password ?
Me : Penis
Miss Siri : It’s not long enough
……………………………………………………….
Me : I’m lonely.
Sir Siri : Do you want me to get you a date ?
Me : Oh please !
Sir Siri : I’ve got a great one for you.
Me : Tell me, tell me !
Sir Siri : 28/07/2113. You’ll love it !
Me : ………………….
😀 ❤
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Ralph!!!!! That’s hilarious!
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I don’t fancy the teenage Siri much. You wouldn’t get anything out of it until lunchtime and then only the odd word or grunt!
Brilliant post Steph 🙂
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Oh! How could I have forgotten Teen Girl Siri – – you’re so right….she’d ignore you and have her headphones in the entire time!
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Yes, that sounds exactly what she’ll do! 🙂
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So funny as usual. ❤
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Thank you so very much!
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I just realized Southern Belles do say Vagina for Virginia. And you do know how they pronounce Norfolk?
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Actually no, I do not. But do I want to know?
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Maybe. Maybe not.
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Ah, yes, Siri…mine’s a male Australian. Now if he’d just throw something on the barbie I’d have it made.
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Right, mate! I shoulda known your Siri would come from down under!!
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You know me too well, bunkie.
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Wow! I was just sighing in relief over the fact that my Siri is a male (with a British accent at that). Now I have to worry about balding, middle aged crisis, trouble urinating, and little blue pills!!!
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Sounds like you’re a romantic.
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You know me so well Don!
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What a hoot! I have no suggestions – men are still a mystery to me ; O)
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Thank you for reading/commenting, Jan!
Love,
Siri
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