From now until January 2nd marks the period with the greatest amount of air travel. I absolutely detest flying but instead of grumbling, I’ve used my time in the sky to categorize the following types of airline passengers. Do you know any of them?
The Air Preparer: He’s the MacGyver at 40,000 miles. Need a bandage, cough syrup, earplugs or screwdriver? He’s your man.
The Air Armchairer: She makes a beeline to her seat so she can beat you out. Giving you an evil glare as you stagger innocently down the aisle, you notice her elbows hogging both armrests. Do you dare claim what’s rightfully yours?
The Air Barer: Is this a 747 or a hot yoga class? She’s so scantily dressed, her mother would make her put on a trench coat. Oh wait, that might be even more provocative!
The Air Scarer: This person makes your peanuts and pretzel packages stand on end with their tales of terror. On another flight they were recently on, the pilot had to release all the luggage to lighten the load. Still a different flight they had to drop all their fuel and ultimately all the passengers as well. Gasp. But the most horrific flight of all was when they ran out of diet coke.
The Air Prayer: This individual should never sit next to an Air Scarer. You can recognize one of these quite easily because their lips move silently in a constant state of prayer as they clutch their rosary beads until the plane touches back on ground.
The Air Affairer: The longing, seductive looks they give one another from business class to coach is their mark of distinction. They don’t dare sit in the same section lest someone knows them. Watch for synchronized bathroom trips. (Being crowned King/Queen of the Mile High Club would be their ultimate frequent flier reward)
The Air Solitairer: Yes, this guy flies all by his lonesome self. But that deck of cards is in continuous motion. Look! That red Jack can go on the black Queen!
The Air Marryer: No sooner does the pilot point out Mt. St. Helens when he directs your attention to a passenger seated over the wing who is now going down on bended knee. Will she say yes? Maybe he couldn’t do this on the ground because he’s counting on the diamond looking bigger under the little cabin book light?
The Air DayCarer: She has not just one, not just two, but three kids and she’s brought enough provisions to put a preschool to shame. Hey! Will she share a handful of cheerios and that etch-a-sketch with your own cranky child? No she will not, stupid – – next time, fly more prepared.
The Air Pairer: These two are lifelong friends going on a gal-pal weekend and they love to chit-chat with you seated in between them. Why didn’t they book seats right next to one another?? Because one needs a window and one needs an aisle and talking over you is a stimulating challenge. Just read your book and shut up, mkay?
The Air Error: This guy flies planes for a hobby and he’s gonna run down the list of all the mistakes they’re making. Think you can do it better? Get in that cockpit and take contol!
The Air Swearer: Salty vocabulary is an understatement and if he’s seated next to The Air DayCarer, he better watch his language — she’s gonna have her kids paste his mouth shut with their gluesticks during arts n’ crafts hour.
The Air Comparer: “Jet Blue has far more leg room than this cracker jack plane. Did you know United baked oatmeal cookies on a flight once? Wonder if Virgin Airlines would hire flight attendants as ugly as these?” Thank you for sharing!
The Air Despairer: This individual is absolutely petrified to fly and you’ve got the nail marks in your arm to prove it. What was that noise? Did you see that little red light blinking on the wing? What if the pilot just found out his wife is leaving him and chooses today to fall off the wagon?
The Air DentalCarer: Flossing teeth in public is yucky. But traces of blue toothpaste left in that itty bitty sink can only mean one thing. . . Someone’s mouth is minty fresh during this flight for a good reason.
The Air Sharer: By the time you land, you’ve seen all their grandkids, know their favorite scene from Wizard of Oz and split a hoagie with them. But you booked a red eye to sleep.
The Air Starer and Awarer: Very nosy woman, scrutinizing every passenger on the flight, the wheels always turning. Hyper aware of subtle mannerisms and nuances, taking notes so they can write a blog about it. Nah, these people don’t really exist!
If you enjoyed my classifications here, you might like last year’s Thanksgiving post where I put people who attend holiday buffets into categories. Read about THESE FOLKS RIGHT HERE?
Hi!
I did not realize Stephanie Lewis was Little Miss Menopause. I know people here–Ralph, In My Cluttered Attic.
Interesting blog.
Janice
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Hi!! Do we run in a similar circle? Lol
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We were both writing each other at the same time, LOL
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Well my dear, YOU have seemed to overlook the Air Darer. This is the one who dares you to claim your section of the rest from the Armchairer. This passenger will also dare you to duct tape the air screamer right after you congratulate the air marryer and high five the new MHC members.
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And I’m the Air Preparer!
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Ha ha ha, I’m in stitches XD
On a long flight, I would confront the Armchairer, Pairer, Error, Swearer, Comparer, Despairer and Sharer. Enough already!
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Lol…. If you’re brave, assertive and can confront people with their ill-behavior, then I think you might be The Air Terror. And we need you, we really need you!
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Lol!
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Lol I love these!!!! I totally fall into the “Air Despairer” and “Air Starer and Awarer” categories!
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Thank you! I am honored you are a first time commenter.
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Another good one, Steph! Looks like I need to pay better attention to my fellow passengers from now on…but would that make me the Air-Starer? or the Air-Stalker?
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It makes you The Air Flairer, DGLW! Because you do everything with great flair and style.
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I’d say you’re a hoot, but that would make you a hooter and that has all kinds of other implications so I’ll just say, HAPPY THANKSGIVING for now.
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That’s awesome. I haven’t met any of these people but I have met “Non-Air Freshener.” This is the passenger that hasn’t figured out how to bathe or wash clothes AND he/she fills up on anything and everything that causes gas before takeoff.
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Oy!! “Non-Air Freshener” is hilarious name for this negative TMI Air Sharer. YUCK.
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Another funny one Steph! I laughed out loud at the ‘rosary beads’ one and the Air Marryer with the minute diamond. 👍🏻🌹
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Wendy, right?!! Why does the Public Proposer always thing making a spectacle is more romantic? And if she says “No!” ?? Happy holidays my friend!
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The arm chairier is the worstiest.
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Ugh….don’t know how I missed this clever comment. Ha! And Happy New Year! Love the new gravitar!
Stephanie
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My clever comments are pretty easy to miss. And the gravitar is not really what I wanted to do, but I’m writing posts for my company blog, so I had to get a little classier. Kind of makes me bitter that I had to fake smile for it.
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Wow Stephanie, I have to say I’m impressed by how many rhymes you got in here. So here’s mine:
The Air Darer: He runs to the bathroom, even when the fasten seatbelts signs are on
The Air Nonfootwearer: The one who insists on taking off his shoes even though his feet stink
The Air Easy Chairer: the one who sits in front of you and reclines his seat into your lap
I think we have to come up with one who sleeps and drools all over you too but I can’t get the rhyme.
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Damn…I might be the Air Nonfootwearer. Any time I can, the shoes jump from the feet. Eau de-goat-cheesy-tootsies depends on how hot the car got on the way to the airport, however…and is not guaranteed.
That is – all that would happen, if I ever got the opportunity to board an aircraft.
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Well, I may or may not regret sitting near you. Guess it all depends on the temperature factor!
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Looks like you travel quite a bit Marissa – you’ve nailed all three extra characteristics! 🆒
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Actually, I don’t but I guess my limited experience is enough.
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Oh yes! Fortunately, I did not get any difficult or unsavoury characters sitting next to me when I travelled to Europe on my own last year – my only problem is that I can never sleep deeply or comfortably on the long flights. 🚅🛫🛬😊
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My neither! Once stayed awake for an entire flight home from Germany. I was talking gibberish that night! Glad you didn’t get any unsavory characters though!
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