Category Archives: Uncategorized

Little Miss Menopause IS Still Alive!

Where Has She been?

Well, hello again! I know it has been forever since I’ve posted here. But in my defense….I have had some serious health issues (I’m okay now) plus I’m getting married in less than three weeks (planning a wedding for winter time has been quite a production) and speaking of productions….I am getting produced! That’s right a live theater show is in the works for NYC (near Times Square!) in early Feb and we have a one night only performance in Reno, Nevada on Dec. 21 — just three days after my wedding. I know! I can hear a collective, “What are you thinking??” from every bride who’s ever tried to stay sane. “But it is what it is.” That and the serenity prayer are my new saving grace mantras. Anyhow, as the playwright, I am thrilled! But I’m also taking a huge part in the nitty gritty details so I attend all rehearsals and have great input into the final production. Here is the show’s website and I’d love it if you checked it out and if you’re in either area close to where it’s being performed, I’d be thrilled if you sat in the audience! Can I “twist” your arm? https://www.twistedtheplay.com/

I’ve missed being here and will resume just as soon as I figure out which way is up again. My life needs to have a “Contents Are Fragile!” warning on the package!

Forced to Work From Home? See How Your Career is Faring!

Remember “Take Your Daughter to Work” Day? Well that’s over. We are now bringing our work home to our daughters. And our sons. And our spouses. And the family dog. And this is how it’s playing out. See if you can find your professional path below?

Real Estate Agent: It’s difficult to implement this particular skill-set in a home setting due to the fact you’re selling a house to people who already live there. Start slowly so your family will adjust. Hang flyers in the downstairs hallway as well as the children’s bedrooms advertising square footage and listing the age of the water heater. Take lots of pictures of the backyard on a sunny day when your dog is in a good mood and after the gardener has mowed the lawn. Offer chocolate chip cookies to any family member who ventures into the kitchen so they feel welcomed and be sure to open drawers and cabinets, showing off storage space. Point out the “Peekaboo” view of the ocean and then play peekaboo as you would with a toddler. (No! Don’t do that.) Instead, ask everyone around the dining table, “How soon can you close?” and “How much will you put down?” and then look directly at your own chest and say, “This duplex is a real fixer-upper, that’s true — but nothing a little TLC wouldn’t improve.” Balk when he claims to be an official inspector and tries to look down your top.

Lawyer: In order to get your potential client to hire you, you’ll need to stir up a little trouble, but relax it’s not unethical and it’s nothing you haven’t already done in your downtown office. Have plenty of ”Attorney At Law” business cards on hand. They should be yours, especially if you want them to call and request you take their case.  Quickly mop the tile by the stairs. Yell to your wife on the second floor that The Bachelor has a special interactive live-version starting this minute. After you have the frozen peas icing down her neck, explain spinal damage often doesn’t manifest for years. If she gets angry, threatening divorce, calmly state you’re happy to represent her and offer a fair settlement with lots of visitation with the family dog, if he’s still in a good mood after the backyard photo session. Instead of saying, “You’ll have your day in court!” Exclaim, “You’ll have your day in the den.” Refer to the wedding portrait hanging over the piano as Exhibit A.

Hostess: Once everyone starts to complain about hunger, take their names and find out if they have a preference for indoor or outdoor dining. Apologize that this establishment only allows service dogs, no matter how good of a mood their pet Shih Tzu is in. Announce for a party this large, you need a few minutes to get things set up. Instead of an annoying pager, hand them that classic board game Perfection, and tell them when all the pieces pop up, their table will be ready.

Department of Motor Vehicles Teller: Hang banners around the living room that say “A-F, G-L, L-P and R-Z.  Anyone whose last name starts with Q is sorely out of luck. Check your family’s vision with a blurry eye-chart. Snap their photo when their lids are mid-blink. Ask them, “If opposing cars arrive simultaneously at an intersection with a four-way stop sign, who has the right-of-way?” After the correct answer, “the car on the left is the one that yields” is given, have them explain exactly how the car “on the left” knows he’s actually the car on the left.

Court Reporter: Sit in the room of the house in which most of the action occurs. Speedily type on a laptop and keep insisting people identify themselves, spelling their official names. When appropriate, ask them to speak up and reprimand them for nodding. Keep calling the personal injury lawyer who hangs out by the wet staircase “Counselor” and ask if he needs a translator.

Therapist: Set up for a session in the room with the most uncomfortable place to sit. Tell whomever wanders into the bathroom looking for a lost toy or begging to borrow money that you are here to help them become trauma-free. With their fingers, have them tap their body along the 12 meridian points to restore balance to their disrupted energy field, all while repeating this phrase — “Even though I have this fear, I deeply and completely accept myself.” Yep, you’re THAT sort of therapist. Oh! And be mindful of brother/sister pairs who will turn the tapping technique into a game of “Gotcha Last.”

Funeral Director: Have a lot of carnations and gladiolas in vases strewn around the house. Enlighten anyone who is tearful about the differences between pine, mahogany, and maple. Say “I’m sorry for your loss” when your son has to mortgage Boardwalk and Park Place to his sister for her Get out of Jail card. End a hard day’s work by holding a free seance.

IT Guy:  When family members whine about the internet or their cellphone driving them crazy because the connection is too slow, instruct them to turn off the power source. Problem solved.

Architect: Each day have all six of your kids file into a little room off the front entry and while sitting at a makeshift drafting table, dispense advise about sibling rivalry, tattling, and what makes a true friend. Once the pandemic is over, pack up the entire clan (including the moody family dog named Tiger) and head to an amusement park where your design elevation sketches are rolled up in a cylinder tube only to get mixed-up with a poster of Yogi Bear. That’s what an architect who works at home does, and if you know where this is from, leave it in the comments section.

Writer: Take lots of selfies for the perfect headshot. Pick a cutsie but genderless pen-name. Craft a byline and bio, crediting yourself with famous passages or quotes that are normally attributed to Anonymous. Instruct those living in your home to send you a form rejection letter 37 times and pin them all to a bulletin board, citing Margaret Mitchell received 38 of these before publishing Gone With the Wind.

Dear Readers— Stay safe and healthy! I think we’re getting close to the end?

 

I Wanna Score Big on Words With Friends! (And Apparently So Do the Men Who Challenge Me)

Well now, who even needs to make an online dating profile when there are Scrabble type games on the internet? Sheesh! At first I thought it was a big coincidence, the number of strange men requesting a round with me. Then I let it go to my head — Ohhh, they were all challenging me because my stats were glowing, and the impressive number of seven letter words I formed! Then it started dawning on me….it’s because my name is Stephanie and not Stephen. Hmmm.

So let’s just say that I’ve experienced “Words With Friends” morphing into “Words With Male Strangers Wanting To Become MORE Than Friends Using Words They Think Are Good Pick-Up Lines.” And they don’t hesitate to put their (lame!) words into the Chat-Box instead of on the playing board.

As an example, here’s what transpired before I could tell any of these men that the jig was up. Just because I’m such a nice person and I don’t like ignoring anyone…

Male WWF Player: Wow! Impressive Word!

Me: Open? What’s so good about “Open?”

Male WWF Player: I like it. It means you are Open to the possibilities. With us.

GAME FORFEITED.

I took the bait one more time before I got wise.

Male WWF Player: So how about that ‘R?” How do you think ‘R’ compares to “L?”

Me: Are you really trying to initiate a conversation about capital letters?

Male WWF Player: Oh! Did you want to bypass the alphabet foreplay and just get straight to sexting? I like it. 😉

Me: Ugh. Just mind your P’s & Q’s, creep!

GAME FORFEITED.

These idiots were lowering my overall scores because I had to keep quitting all the games in the middle with them. A sure fire way to tell that these “players” are not serious WWF players  is to look at how long they’ve been competing, which is noted in their profiles. Typically they’ve all recently joined the game like yesterday. And for some reason, they all think that I was born yesterday!

Other red flags: These scammers are FAR MORE talkative than someone who actually cares about winning the game. And they will always try to get your email address, claiming they have some tips on playing the game better that are too lengthy to share in the chat box. And their profile photo usually has a child in it that they’re piggybacking on their shoulders so you think, “Aw, what a devoted father he is. Probably just plays on here to take a short breather from that active little tyke. I’ll give it a go!”

Enough! I just want to play some Scrabble without having to dust off the real thing from my game shelf and take up room at my kitchen table.

I’m experiencing the same intrusions on Facebook a lot more lately as well. A rash of “Friend Requests” from odd men. They always have two first names. Antonio Marcus or Clyde Thomas or Justin Scott. And they are ALL (supposedly) in the military and they always have an American flag as background for their profile photos. And they are all listed as widowers. Why do they think being a widower would be such an attractive thing to advertise, I wonder? Perhaps they feel it will garner sympathy. “Ahh, the poor man lost his beloved spouse. I should bring him a brisket dinner.” Is that what they think goes through a potential victim’s head? When I’m actually thinking, “Ew! I wonder if he stabbed, poisoned, or strangled his wife!?”

Readers: Are you finding a lot more scam artists in online places where you’d least expect to encounter them? Also I am writing less here on WordPress and more on The Medium. (I cannot resist that readers can “clap” for you over there. What can I say? I like applause!) If you’d like to peruse my more serious writing about relationships on The Medium, I’ve been getting published on PS I LOVE YOU. Just click   HERE

Forget Weight Watchers …. Now There’s Height Watchers!

Have you failed at trying to control your weight? Are you sick of counting calories, carbohydrates, fat grams, or food group points to no avail? Today’s your lucky day!

There’s something new on the horizon for people who are unhappy with their bodies …. now you can change your height — as long as you follow these 15 easy steps, you can achieve the 5ft 6 or 6 ft 2 body you’ve always dreamed of having.

 

15 Simple Tips To Control Your Height!

 

  1. It’s true. We’ve been misusing those nifty height/weight charts all this time. They actually work in reverse. Find your current weight on the (minuscule) chart above and then look directly next to it to see how tall someone within that given weight range should be. There. Got it? That’s your goal height!
  2. Ready? Now throw away your bathroom scale. There’s something far less cumbersome (than an ugly hunk of steel you step on) for you to track your progress with. A graceful, slender measuring tape. Hang one up on any bare wall.
  3. Stand next to either the side with inches or centimeters and smoosh your hair flat against your head with a hardcover book, (preferably my novel “Lullabies & Alibis”  which is made expressly with this purpose in mind) and make a mark with your pencil so you can see your beginning height clear as day. No cheating by standing on tiptoes or slouching.
  4. Figure out if you should become shorter or taller. If you’re already satisfied with your height, you can advance to changing your shoe size using a convenient feet-binding method which will be the subject of a future blog.
  5. Doorways! Have you only been using them to transition from your kitchen to your den to your bathroom? Silly you!  Grab onto the framed molding above the door and let your entire body hang there for three minutes. Do this every single time you enter or exit any room.
  6. Mindful suspension is the key. Always focus on the sensations in your body as you just dangle, so you can stay in the present moment.
  7. If you pass through a door but don’t feel like using it as a body-stretcher, it probably means you are stressed or aren’t coping well with some important life issue and a good therapist should be able to help you so you won’t be someone who just views doorways as a method to advance through your entire house. We call that being an “Emotional Home Roamer.” People like that just use doorways as handy portals instead of the Height Shifters they were designed to be.
  8. Look at actors in the movies or models in magazines and see where the tops of their heads reach, relative to objects such as wall clocks, flatscreen televisions, or other people standing nearby. Tape a photo (of someone who is as tall or as short as you desire to be) on each and every door knob in your home. This visual reminder will cause you to admire and possibly envy them, but it will certainly motivate you to want to achieve your goal when you pass by and see a person of your ideal height.
  9. Note: If you want to become shorter instead of taller, simply reverse the process described in step #5.
  10. Be sure and only stand next to the measuring tape every morning when you first awaken, before the ceiling in your home can distort your height. This will give you a true and accurate number of your improved stature.
  11. For every millimeter your height changes, reward yourself for all your hard work and great effort, but make sure it’s not something that will add on inches. i.e. Avoid treats such as hats, high-heeled shoes, hair ornaments used to create updos, and especially pride, as that could make anyone walk around feeling 10 ft tall.
  12. Bingeing on things with measurements will also slow your progress and you’ll be back to square one. That includes inchworms, a “tall” glass of water, a foot-long sub sandwich, or even an old fashioned wooden ruler which should only be used for rapping the knuckles of unruly children. Don’t partake in these things!
  13. Galleries! It’s all about Galleries in and Galleries out. If you take in more (art) galleries than you exorcise (think spinning your head around 360 degrees like Linda Blair in that scary movie) you will not get any taller or shorter and you could be destined to remain at the same height your DNA blueprint dictates for your entire life.
  14. Avoid Curbs! Rice, pasta, bread, and potatoes are all fine. But if you indulge in curbs, your height is liable to change suddenly AND dramatically. If you don’t believe me, go on a date with someone and let them walk in the gutter or the street whilst you stroll along on the curb. You can no longer gaze into each other eyes. Forget having “Curb Appeal.” Curbs are the enemy!
  15. A high “Pro-Teen” regimen also has a lot to offer in this process, so don’t be against kids between the ages of 13-18. They will keep you full longer which brings more satisfaction, they are harder to digest, and thus will keep you busy with their loud music and disrespectful attitudes between your door-hanging sessions.

I hope you’re not laughing at any of this. It’s no joke — which is why I purposely didn’t post this on April Fool’s Day. Trying to manipulate your weight from your natural set-point is just as absurd a notion (and damaging!) as what I’ve outlined above with changing your height. And more importantly, it’s flirting with disaster and a full-fledged eating disorder, which is exactly how mine started and spanned decades. (Thank you, Dr. Atkins!)

Diets do NOT work. But our societal “Diet Culture” (lately disguised as “a Wellness Lifestyle Change” with “Clean Eating” and “Juice Fasts” etc.) is insidious and will keep you imprisoned in the vicious cycle of trying over and over again.

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This is a real advertisement from 100 years ago when “We” decided that being “plump” was better! Are we really going to let the whims of the media dictate what’s best for us?

I’m finally completely cured from my bulimic behaviors now and if you’re interested in a post detailing the way that miracle finally happened, leave me a comment. I promise it doesn’t involve buying a thing.  I just want everyone to obtain the freedom to feel good in their own skin. I have my life back now.

And I’ll leave you with my new song lyrics in case any mothers out there might be “role-modeling” for their young children food or exercise behaviors that can lead to dire consequences. Listen HERE

Body Acceptance!!  Embrace body positivity and diversity in ALL sizes. It’s the only way. Let’s dictate THAT for a change!

I Plead “No Contest!” (When Entering Writing Competitions)

I’ve never entered a writing contest before. Although every time I submit my work to an editor, technically I’m competing against other author “contestants” who want to have their creations appear in the exact same magazine, anthology, or website. And when the prize is an acceptance notice of publication, yes I feel like a winner. That’s a contest if you ask me and so I’ve entered many.

However this writing contest was different. . .

I’ve written novels and screenplays before, but this contest was for live theater and the winners get their words brought to life on a stage in front of an audience. Sign me up!

The other difference was that I only found out about this contest a mere 24 hours prior to the submission deadline, which threw me into some fast and furious typing. And the rules specified it could be a comedy OR a meaningful, serious drama. After some inner debate, I chose to do humor. Big surprise.

But in the end, my biggest dilemma was needing help choosing which play to submit (somehow two distinctly different scripts had been birthed from my infertile, barren brain….fraternal twins?) because I couldn’t decide on my own which was more brilliant. Or (every other hour) which script sucked less. The rules were clear — one entry per person.

Who in my life was competent to give this kind of input and more to the point, would help me make this decision extremely QUICKLY? (Yikes! Like within the next thirty minutes!) The first thing I did was turn to another writer friend (Samantha) who owed me a huge favor since I had recently critiqued her query letter and it helped her land an agent.

Samantha expediently sent me a ton of elaborate feedback on both my scripts. But what wasn’t clear, was her opinion of which one she recommended I should enter into the contest — essentially the only question I had originally asked!

I emailed back and said, “Thank you! But which one was better?” Samantha replied, “That’s personal preference. But I’m on pins and needles waiting to hear what you thought of my feedback?”

So here I am with hours to go until the deadline and I’ve got a narcissistic friend/egomaniac writer expecting me to critique her critique!?

Ugh. Frantically I sent both possibilities to my mother, along with the rules of the contest so she could see the criteria with which they’d be judged. “Ps. Please Hurry!” was how my email ended. After many long hours, she wrote back, “I contemplated this very carefully. I’d go with the one about your multiple personalities falling in love with each other at a cocktail party. But both of them were very meaningful and serious dramas.” I wrote back, “Thanks, mom! But they were both comedies. Which one made you laugh more?”  And then she called me and said, “If you like contests so much, the county fair has a watermelon-eating one you can enter this weekend.”

Okaaay! I’m done with asking females for help. Turning to men has sometimes worked for me in the past. Quickly I sent my scripts to a great guy who performs in local community theatre, pleading “Which one??”  He finally wrote back that both of them had dialogue sections that didn’t sound very good when belted out in his shower. I forgot he only does musical theatre.

Feeling truly desperate, I took my beginning narrator’s lines from each possible entry and sent them as my introductory messages to two different men with dating profiles on Match.com. Whoever wrote me back first and said “That’s really funny!” would be how I would make my decision.

The first bachelor wrote back,  “Hi! Sorry, I’m only 5 ft. 4 and I make it a rule not to do taller women because things won’t line up properly.” Very helpful input. And then the other wrote back, “Meet tonight at 7 pm for a drink? Ps. And are you a therapist? Damn! That was some crazy psycho-babble, babe.”

But now thinking about therapists and my own past sessions… I had the answer to my quandary of which script to submit to the contest. I would send both! One would be entered under my own real name. And then the second script (about my multiple personalities falling in love at a cocktail party) would be sent under the name Sybil. Problem solved!

Readers– Have you entered writing contests? Have you had as much trouble as this? Oh! Also I was recently interviewed. You can check it out just below. But why is it called “Woman on the Edge of Reality?” Lol. 

https://womanontheedgeofreality.com/2019/01/14/an-interview-with-stephanie-lewis-author-of-lullabies-alibis/

 

 

How to Have the Correct Proportion of “Quirky” In Your Personality!

 

Numerous readers write to me for lessons on how to become quirky. Okay, that’s simply untrue. But one thing that makes me just the right amount of quirky (and therefore certified to teach you!) is that I liberally make stuff up (like the opening sentence of this blog) but then I’ll freely confess that it’s a complete invention of my mind.

That’s not called lying — that’s called quirking. And it’s totally cool.

Let’s look at some other definitions of ‘Quirky” before you decide whether or not you want to become it.

Here’s what Vocabulary.com has to say.

quirky

Your friend with the pink hair, the excellent vocabulary, and the totally inappropriate wit? You could probably call her quirky, meaning she’s unconventional and has a unique mix of traits that somehow end up being interesting or charming.

Alright so “Quirky” need not be attached to a specific hair color. However hair does play an integral part in people’s assessment of your quirkiness. If I had normal hair, I think I might drop down into being wacky or zany.  But my out-of-sync tresses elevates me straight into the Q word.

Here’s what Urban Dictionary has to say.

quirky

Quirky people may also have an uncanny obsession with Recess peanut butter cups and peanut butter chocolate ice-cream. All in all, quirky people are amazing, and great friends with excellent personalities that can bring anyone’s mood up.

Now if it amuses you to no end that Urban Dictionary spelled “Reese’s” the way they did, you can stop reading this right now. Because you’re qualified to give your own lessons in being “Quacky!

HAHAHA! See what I just did there? I “accidentally” (but not really, cuz I could’ve easily fixed it in the editing process) misspelled “quirky” and it catapulted me into a fit of hysterics.

Quirky people really need to get a life, yet they’re convinced they already have a perfectly good one — so that never occurs.
@ 2018 Little Miss Menopause ~ All Rights Reserved 

But to continue on with your lesson . . .  the reason the exact proportion of “Quirky” is so crucial to achieve is because if you exhibit too much of it, you’ll firmly cross into “Odd, Bizarre, Weird, Peculiar and Strange” territory and trust me when I say nobody will find that endearing. (As an example, I couldn’t figure out how to make a copyright symbol in my above quote since it’s not shown on my keyboard, so just told myself nobody will notice what I did instead.)

So here we go with the Guidelines…

  • To really exude the right amount of Quirky you first must have an inner voice that narrates your day to you, even while brushing your teeth. It must be an ongoing monologue that you can NEVER EVER turn off, yet sometimes you sincerely try by exclaiming aloud, “Will you just shut-up already?!” Then turn to the person next to you and calmly murmur, “Sorry, not you.” This will be irresistibly engaging and if you’re single you’ll have an immediate date to go bowling.
  • Quirky people love to go bowling, but hate for anyone to know they have big feet, so bring masking tape to cover up the number on the back of your bowling shoes.
  • Quirky people are constantly killing their houseplants by overwatering them and then justifying their childless state by saying, “This is why I don’t have any pets.”
  • Quirky people think they can be chameleons, becoming what everyone else would like them to be because they fancy themselves adaptable like Play-Doh or Silly Putty. But really they are just Frisbees with a little bit of Slinky thrown in for good measure.
  • Quirky people will invite guests over for an entire night of boardgames and then make the food they serve so unrecognizable, that in itself becomes the evening’s entertainment — people making educated guesses as to what they’re swallowing. If you have just the right amount of “Quirky” in you, you’ll immediately get the idea this concept will make a terrific new reality TV show and contact a producer with the proposed title, “Guest Ingest Test!”
  • Quirky people care very deeply what others think of them, but also take great pride constantly proclaiming, “I march to the beat of my own drummer!” It’s the tug of war between these two opposing mindsets that makes them so neurotic. That and the fact that their drummer is Pete Best.
  • Quirky people wear breezy and quaint clothing. They never veer into sexy unless they’re trying to seduce you — in which case they’ll dress like Gilda Radner.
  • Quirky people are constantly writing to companies and asking why their products have been discontinued. Then they start petitions to bring back The Original Cinnamon Tic Tacs or The McDonald’s Arch Delux.
  • Quirky people will tell you their lives are full of passion and purpose. If you ask for an example they will bring out their petition for you to sign.
  • Quirky people will do things that are totally unpredictable, but then realize you’re catching onto them doing the unexpected and so they’ll trick you by doing exactly what you anticipate. Once you prepare yourself for that however, they’ll revert back to being random again. All without ever saying, “Aha….Gotcha!!”
  • Quirky people will refuse to leave your life even if you exile them. Restraining orders are completely wasted on quirky people because they have a way of stalking you in their mind.
  • Quirky people will ask you to hold on during a phone call so they can answer the door. There’s never anyone actually ringing their bell however — they’re really still on the phone listening intently to see if you’ll say anything interesting about them to someone else in the room.  So the two of you will both be on the line in silence, trying to breathe unobtrusively until the quirky person will finally declare, “Sorry, I’m back now.”
  • Once you have achieved the perfect formulation for Quirky, nobody will ever refer to you as Quirky again. You will have graduated to “Whimsical.” Once achieved, you’ll never be held accountable for your actions again because — hold on a sec, someone is ringing my doorbell. . .

Readers: Do you see a difference between Quirky, Unconventional, or just plain Neurotic? 

Famous Song Rewritten with New Cautionary Lyrics

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Today I’m departing from humor to share an issue I’m quite passionate about. Almost everyone has heard the poignant melody and lyrics of “The Cats in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin — wherein the takeaway lesson is “Be careful because our children are watching our behavior closely.”

I cry every time it plays, but have always felt there needed to be a version that spoke to females as well with regards to role-modeling. I am so honored to have an incredibly gifted teen singing my new lyrics and addressing food/weight/body image issues so prevalent in our society today. Here’s the amazing Shelby Sanborn, age 17, right HERE

Please share with anyone you know who might benefit from the reminder.

Back soon with giggles…

Little Miss Menopause

Wild Statistical Fantasies — Where Do Yours Fit In?

Yes, this title is an intentionally deceptive word ploy to get my blog ranked higher in the search engine optimization. This piece will not list the percentage of American women who fantasize about seducing an officer of the law. Nor will it mention dominating or submitting, unless it’s submitting writing. In fact it isn’t sexual in nature at all and the tame fantasies are actually just my own. They occur when I scrutinize my blogging statistics each day and detect a huge peak in a specific category or a tremendous amount of referred readers coming in from Facebook or LinkedIn or another source. My imagination runs amuck…

4 Common Fantasies Induced by My Stats:

Literary Representation! — I’ve been discovered! This fantasy gets spurred on when I get a lot of extra activity on my short story section or my stats with the keyword “hilarious” have uncharacteristically spiked. Particularly when I discern extra readers are all surfing in from a site called “Agent Search.” In reality, my brother is an insurance agent and has a link to my blog for his clients to get a laugh after they’ve crashed their car or had a roof leak. But since this is my personal fantasy, it goes like this: A bored fiction agent who reps well known horror authors (think Stephen King and R.L. Stine) needs a break from all the blood, guts, gore, and murders. He casually Googles, “Quirky Humor Bloggers Who Write About Gone With The Wind” and that’s it! One glance is all it takes. The rest is history. From the moment he lands on the front page of my blog he’s in stitches and it’s definitely not from a stabbing. He’s riveted by my hysterical tagline, the witty titles of my menu categories, and spends inordinate amounts of evening hours reading each blog entry to the point his wife suspects he’s having an affair. “Yes, yes, you have me hooked from your opening line!” and “Oh my god…that’s the perfect climax!” are shouted from inside his closed home office door.  The next sound you hear is my phone ringing as he rehearses what he’ll say to convince me to sign a three book contract as the next Erma Bombeck. I’ll hesitate for a moment, letting him think there’s a bidding war for my comedic talent, but eventually acquiesce when he offers royalties on lunchpails and a Barbie Doll likeness with the exact hairstyle as my Facebook Profile.

High School Quarterback Returns! — This fantasy is vividly inspired when certain categories like “Relationships” and “Love” and “The One That Got Away” zoom off the charts in my stats section.  I imagine my old high school crush has accidentally stumbled into my blog and reads my post about our yearbook. He reminisces about football games and how I endearingly clapped and screamed for him to throw a touchdown from the stands. Why didn’t he look beyond the gorgeous cheerleaders on the sidelines to see that I also had a nice pair of fluffy pom-poms? Regrets of asking the Marcia Brady lookalike to homecoming dance will plague him as he recalls 9th grade Intro to Creative Writing with Mrs. Lyndahl reading aloud my short story titled, “If Chocolate Chip Cookies Could Talk!” and how he scoffed about baked goods coming to life, causing me to sob in the girl’s locker room. He emails me (using information from my “Hire Me To Humor You” page) apologizing profusely, then asks me out as his prom date. After I vindictively tell him I have absolutely zero recollection of who he is, I am call-waited by Mattel to pose for my new barbie doll and then the envious wife of the literary agent calls, insisting on knowing how many times her husband has sent me roses?

Parent Trap!: This fantasy only occurs when certain posts I’ve written about my childhood are repeatedly perused in my stats. Even though I only have one brother, suddenly a familiar looking girl leaves a comment on my blog insinuating we are related and in fact she believes we share the exact same genetics! Apparently she was put up for adoption to a poor family because after I was born, our parents realized that daughters were just hormonal nightmares who cost lots of $$ with orthodontists, gynecologists, and dermatologists and so they could only afford to raise just one. We proceed to make plans to attend the same summer camp and then discreetly switch homes afterwards.

Law Suit!: (I never claimed my fantasies were always fun or exciting.) This terrifying scenario comes on after I notice that my stats are soaring for a certain popular picture I used long ago to illustrate a past blog post.  Why would so many people be looking at this particular picture all at the same time?? Suddenly fear strikes deep in my heart as I realize I inadvertently forgot (okay I was lazy!) to acknowledge copyright info or give credit to the photographer. And now somehow she’s entered her photo into Google Search Images and it came up that my blog is featuring HER masterpiece without any attribution. That grave injustice (combined with the fact that I am the one who grew up with parents who cared that I had an overbite, acne medication, and regular pap smears) fuels my long-lost sister to take me to court. An example is made out of me for all the bloggers who blatantly steal copyrighted images and I’m prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Even smiling coyly while trying to seduce the arresting police officer doesn’t prevent me from getting taken to jail. (In fact he tightens the handcuffs.) I only get one phone call and it’s to my literary agent to bail me out with a hefty book advance, but the call is intercepted by his insanely jealous wife who refuses to let me speak to him and instead forwards me to my old crush, the high school quarterback — and of course now he doesn’t remember me from Adam. Except since this is still MY fantasy, his youngest daughter begs for a popular lunch box and every day that his ugly, old, former cheerleader wife makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, he fantasizes about making love to the female author whose likeness is now prominently celebrated on his daughter’s brand new trademarked lunchpail.

Readers: What nutty fantasies has your Stats Section inspired?

 

Here’s Something You Should NEVER Try in Marriage!

I’m currently divorced, but this doesn’t mean I don’t have a tale to tell about marriage…

“The Perfect Pair For You!” my cellphone advertised.  I covered up this headline quickly when my husband (at the time) walked into the room, so he wouldn’t see the screen and make snide remarks about my buying more shoes. Too late!

“I’m not looking for footwear,” I quickly reassured him. “Oh,” he said suddenly very interested. “Heh heh. Perfect Pair. You thinking of doing some upstairs remodeling? D or DD?”

“Shut up!” I shouted, hurling my Smartphone at him, which is always a good idea to distract from the topic at hand with your spouse (insures you get a long lecture about how cell insurance doesn’t cover abuse) Didn’t work. Eyebrows raised suspiciously.

Me: Okay, alright. Not that kind of Pair. I’m searching for a couple.

My Husband: A couple of what?

Me: A Couple. Period. Another couple for us to hang out and do fun things with. They have websites for that kind of thing now — syncing us up with the perfect pair of husband and wife friends.

My Husband: (incredulous)  You’re finding us a “Frarried?”

Me: A what now?

My Husband:(Smirks) Aren’t you supposed to be the witty one with words?  I just combined Friends and Married and got “Frarried.” Bwahaha!  I should be the Creative Writer in this house.”

Me: Perfect. In our new profile under “Interesting Tidbits About Hubby,” I’m gonna add, “Feels threatened so competes with wife in really strange ways.”

My Husband: Be sure and also write, “Must like hotdogs. And the Yankees. And Heineken and …”

Me: Excuse me! But this isn’t “Buddies N’ Ball N’ Beer” Match-Ups. This is for both of us, Mister. Besides I think we’ll make a great Scrabble team against another couple. So just forget about baseball.

Fast forward to our first “Date” with Couple Number One.

Me: Nice house y’all have. So how long have you two been searching for um, for lack of a better term, “Friend Mates?”

My Husband: Or “Frates?” Or “Mends?” Haha!  Betcha you guys can’t think up a better word combo than those?

Other Husband: Wow. You really ARE insecure and competitive, aren’t you? You’re on, Pal. Break out our Scrabble board, Ruth!

Ruth: I’m on it right now, Babe!

My Husband: (Suddenly nervous, still hoping for a sports night) Uh, unless you have a couple of catcher’s mitts and bats?

Me: (glaring) Oh no you don’t. No baseball talk.  So….Babe and Ruth — how long are you married?

Husband: (Ears perk up.) Babe Ruth?

Fast Forward To Our Drive Home

Me: Clearly we have to work on your social skills. The “How about we get to 3rd base tonight!” line was what got us thrown out.

My Husband: Just a little baseball humor. And you shouldn’t talk.

Me: What?? It’s normal to ask how long a couple has been married.

My Husband: Not when they blatantly announce they enjoy an exciting affair.

Me: I thought they meant a Fair. As in suggesting we all go to a fun carnival.

My Husband: Yeah, I see your point.  I mean seriously, who starts an exciting affair but gets so sick and tired and bored with being alone together that they go online looking for other couple friends? That’s just plain weird. I mean for us, it makes total sense, but…

Me: What does THAT mean???

My Husband: Nothing. But for our next new married best friends, can you find a husband and wife who are faithful? To each other.

Fast Forward to Couple Number Two

Me: Happy 51st anniversary! That’s a nice, long marriage. But I coulda sworn your ad said you were married for 15 years?

Wife: Howard says that’s my dyslexia, but I really just need new glasses.

Me: So which one of you loves to surf?

Wife: That would be Howard again. But he surfs the web. I just wanted to make it sound like he was more active.

My Husband: So which one of you is Howard??

Me: (Elbowing husband roughly in the gut.) So which one of you bowls?

Howard: We both put ice-cream in bowls, right Chunky Monkey?

Wife: That’s right, Rocky Road!

Me: And right here, your profile says someone is really into DIY?

Howard: Dessert In Yogurt! That’s right. The little wifey here is a wild thing. Always dunking her “Donuts In Yogurt.”

Wife: Not just Donuts. I’m daring!  “DIY” can stand for “Danish In Yogurt” too. Or I can even dip Devil’s food cuz that starts with D also.

Me: DIY. And here I always thought that meant “Do It Yourself?”

Wife: Oh it does! This is strictly a solo project.  Howard never helps me dip.

My Husband: Yeah, that’d just make Howard the Big Dip! Bwahaha.

Fast Forward to Our Drive Home

Me: You’re so creative with words….you couldn’t have said, “the Big Dipper?” instead? That could’ve been passed off as sightly amusing and we might’ve gotten to stay and cream that old fogie couple in Scrabble!

My Husband: Hmph. Some long-term married people can be so touchy.

Me: Alright here’s the new approach. Since I’m obviously the better half of our equation, I’ll make friends first with a married woman and get her liking me a lot. Then I’ll lower the boom and mention I have a goofy husband who could use a new friend too. And I’ll suggest we double-date with her hubby. Got it?

My Husband: Perfect. Then you two wives go shopping and the husband and I will go to a baseball game.

           Fast Forward To Our Divorce!

Readers: Is it THIS difficult for you to find couples as friends? Tell me in the comments! And just go right HERE if you’re brave enough to shop for other Couple Friends online . . . “Frouples!”

 

Have You Self-Improved So Much that Now You Suck?

All the psychologists and marriage counselors know to flock to my garage sales because every few months my living-room shelves sag with the extreme weight of hundreds of self-help books (ranging from having better relationships to communicating more effectively to figuring out if you’re addicted to self-help books!) and so I put every single paperback and hardbound copy on the front lawn with a sign, “Take All My “Fix Yourself” Books For $500.”  Oh! I’m not selling them for that price, I’m actually willing to pay someone that amount to haul them the heck off my property.

In addition to reading scads of these books, I participate in dozens of self-improvement courses, programs, classes, groups, meetings, and listen to Ted-Talks and podcasts. And this is where all of this SELF studying has gotten me today.  Have a listen!

SUPPORT GROUP SOCIALIZATION

ME: Wow, that was a great discussion you facilitated today. I got a lot out of it.

LEADER: People-Pleasing!

ME: No, I just meant it was perfect for me.

LEADER: Perfectionism!

ME: Oh gosh, sorry.  I appreciate you pointing this stuff out. I don’t think I’ll ever stop saying those kind of things!

LEADER: Catastrophization!

ME: Oops, you’re right. I just really want you to like me.

LEADER: Not everybody is always going to like you, you just have to accept that.

ME: Yes, how does that go again? Let’s see…”What other people think of me is none of my business?” Is that right?

LEADER: Approval-Seeking!

ME: Oh now this is getting kinda silly, don’t you think? Just tell me if I said it correctly.

LEADER: Controlling!

ME: Oops, I guess that kinda was. So how are you? You mentioned last week you were getting over a cold.

LEADERS: Boundaries!

ME: Oh gosh, sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep, I was truly concerned. I’ll just keep my big, fat mouth shut from here on in and then maybe you’ll be happy.

LEADER: Self-Deprecating AND Passive Aggressive!

ME: I am soooooo sorry.

Leader: Overly apologetic!

As I leaned in to give her an “I’m not upset” hug goodbye, she whispered “Co-Dependent!” into my ear.

While I went about the rest of my day, I decided that two can play at the psychobabble game! And this time it would be to my advantage.

PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE AT SON’S MIDDLE SCHOOL

PRINCIPAL: We’d like to discuss with you what we foresee after graduation when your son starts high school.

ME: Oh!  I’m sorry but I only live in the present moment.

PRINCIPAL: Really?!  Well, don’t you think you should think about the fact that he’s not passing several classes at this point and he should have a tutor.

ME: Watch those “should” statements. Always substitute “Could” for “Should.”

PRINCIPAL: Alright. Could you conceive of your son failing biology, history, and math? Because every single one of his teachers Could.

ME: Magnification!

PRINCIPAL: Well, what’s your plan as a mother to cope with your son not graduating?

ME: I’ll just “ACT AS IF” he’s graduating. Haven’t you read The Secret? You really should.

PRINCIPAL: I suppose I Could.

I flounced out of his office and went straight to the bank to secure a loan. When the teller went to shake my hand, I pointed out that he might want to deal with his attachment issues.

FIRST AMERICAN NATIONAL UNIVERSAL WORLDLY BANK

ME: Let me start out by clearly setting my intentions. I am here to borrow money. Dollar signs have also been placed on my vision board.

TELLER: Your what board? Never mind. So you say you’d like some extra cash for Home Improvement? Can you be more specific?

ME: Boundaries, please!  Let’s just say I’ve given up on Self-Improvement.

TELLER: (odd look) I see. Gosh, Miss Menopause, I’m afraid there’s not much I can do for you today.

ME: You’re in denial!

TELLER: That’s a river in Egypt.

ME: Humor Defense Mechanism! Let’s unpack what’s making you so uncomfortable about this issue, shall we?

TELLER:  I am required to ask you certain questions and I’m also accountable for deciding if you’re a good risk. It’s a lot of responsibility for me.

ME: Narcissism! It’s not always about you.

TELLER: You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been at such a total loss before, like I am right this very moment.

ME: Reclaim your power!

TELLER: Ok. You’ll either need to respond directly to my questions or immediately leave the premises.

ME: Black & White Thinking!

And with that I raced home to practice my relaxation and meditation. My kids were in for a treat because I challenged myself to see how many times I could (NOT should!) use the word “Mindful,” which was how my yoga instructor told us we should approach life.

FAMILY TIME

SON: What’s for dinner?

ME: Do you think you can go one morning without asking that idiotic question? It’s enough to make me lose my ever-loving Mind-ful!

DAUGHTER: What do you think of my new dance routine? Do you like the music?

ME: please! Do you Mind-ful?? I’m trying to relax right now and that godawful song is blasting!

DAUGHTER: Can you at least tell me what you think of my new outfit?

ME: It’s wintertime. I have a good Mind-ful to let you freeze to death in those skimpy shorts.

SON: Gosh, whadya think is up with Mom today??

ME: Will you both just Mind-ful your own darn business?!!

At that point I gave up completely and wisely switched from meditation to medication. Forget Self-Help. What a difference in my life just a single letter can make!

READERS:  Are you, or do you know someone else who is overdosing on Self-Help Stuff? Leave me a comment if this strikes a chord and then God help us all!