Remember “Take Your Daughter to Work” Day? Well that’s over. We are now bringing our work home to our daughters. And our sons. And our spouses. And the family dog. And this is how it’s playing out. See if you can find your professional path below?
Real Estate Agent: It’s difficult to implement this particular skill-set in a home setting due to the fact you’re selling a house to people who already live there. Start slowly so your family will adjust. Hang flyers in the downstairs hallway as well as the children’s bedrooms advertising square footage and listing the age of the water heater. Take lots of pictures of the backyard on a sunny day when your dog is in a good mood and after the gardener has mowed the lawn. Offer chocolate chip cookies to any family member who ventures into the kitchen so they feel welcomed and be sure to open drawers and cabinets, showing off storage space. Point out the “Peekaboo” view of the ocean and then play peekaboo as you would with a toddler. (No! Don’t do that.) Instead, ask everyone around the dining table, “How soon can you close?” and “How much will you put down?” and then look directly at your own chest and say, “This duplex is a real fixer-upper, that’s true — but nothing a little TLC wouldn’t improve.” Balk when he claims to be an official inspector and tries to look down your top.
Lawyer: In order to get your potential client to hire you, you’ll need to stir up a little trouble, but relax it’s not unethical and it’s nothing you haven’t already done in your downtown office. Have plenty of ”Attorney At Law” business cards on hand. They should be yours, especially if you want them to call and request you take their case. Quickly mop the tile by the stairs. Yell to your wife on the second floor that The Bachelor has a special interactive live-version starting this minute. After you have the frozen peas icing down her neck, explain spinal damage often doesn’t manifest for years. If she gets angry, threatening divorce, calmly state you’re happy to represent her and offer a fair settlement with lots of visitation with the family dog, if he’s still in a good mood after the backyard photo session. Instead of saying, “You’ll have your day in court!” Exclaim, “You’ll have your day in the den.” Refer to the wedding portrait hanging over the piano as Exhibit A.
Hostess: Once everyone starts to complain about hunger, take their names and find out if they have a preference for indoor or outdoor dining. Apologize that this establishment only allows service dogs, no matter how good of a mood their pet Shih Tzu is in. Announce for a party this large, you need a few minutes to get things set up. Instead of an annoying pager, hand them that classic board game Perfection, and tell them when all the pieces pop up, their table will be ready.
Department of Motor Vehicles Teller: Hang banners around the living room that say “A-F, G-L, L-P and R-Z. Anyone whose last name starts with Q is sorely out of luck. Check your family’s vision with a blurry eye-chart. Snap their photo when their lids are mid-blink. Ask them, “If opposing cars arrive simultaneously at an intersection with a four-way stop sign, who has the right-of-way?” After the correct answer, “the car on the left is the one that yields” is given, have them explain exactly how the car “on the left” knows he’s actually the car on the left.
Court Reporter: Sit in the room of the house in which most of the action occurs. Speedily type on a laptop and keep insisting people identify themselves, spelling their official names. When appropriate, ask them to speak up and reprimand them for nodding. Keep calling the personal injury lawyer who hangs out by the wet staircase “Counselor” and ask if he needs a translator.
Therapist: Set up for a session in the room with the most uncomfortable place to sit. Tell whomever wanders into the bathroom looking for a lost toy or begging to borrow money that you are here to help them become trauma-free. With their fingers, have them tap their body along the 12 meridian points to restore balance to their disrupted energy field, all while repeating this phrase — “Even though I have this fear, I deeply and completely accept myself.” Yep, you’re THAT sort of therapist. Oh! And be mindful of brother/sister pairs who will turn the tapping technique into a game of “Gotcha Last.”
Funeral Director: Have a lot of carnations and gladiolas in vases strewn around the house. Enlighten anyone who is tearful about the differences between pine, mahogany, and maple. Say “I’m sorry for your loss” when your son has to mortgage Boardwalk and Park Place to his sister for her Get out of Jail card. End a hard day’s work by holding a free seance.
IT Guy: When family members whine about the internet or their cellphone driving them crazy because the connection is too slow, instruct them to turn off the power source. Problem solved.
Architect: Each day have all six of your kids file into a little room off the front entry and while sitting at a makeshift drafting table, dispense advise about sibling rivalry, tattling, and what makes a true friend. Once the pandemic is over, pack up the entire clan (including the moody family dog named Tiger) and head to an amusement park where your design elevation sketches are rolled up in a cylinder tube only to get mixed-up with a poster of Yogi Bear. That’s what an architect who works at home does, and if you know where this is from, leave it in the comments section.
Writer: Take lots of selfies for the perfect headshot. Pick a cutsie but genderless pen-name. Craft a byline and bio, crediting yourself with famous passages or quotes that are normally attributed to Anonymous. Instruct those living in your home to send you a form rejection letter 37 times and pin them all to a bulletin board, citing Margaret Mitchell received 38 of these before publishing Gone With the Wind.
Dear Readers— Stay safe and healthy! I think we’re getting close to the end?