It all began innocently enough. I invited happily married friends over for a home-cooked dinner and to play my own personalized version of “The Newlywed Game.” Now I’m no gameshow host, but it was always one of my favorite television shows growing up and especially cherished were the occasions the wife would bonk the doufus husband on the head with her answer card. Would my dining room table tolerate all this excitement? My mind began racing, thinking up fun questions.
Every couple I invited rsvp’d fast and furiously “Uh….No thanks!” Had my culinary skills reputation really spread so far and wide?
But with the first telltale phone call, it began to dawn on me that it wasn’t just bad food.
Wife #1: Hi, we’re flattered to be included on your guest list, but Manny made me call to make sure you’re NOT gonna have a question about which of my girlfriends he fantasizes about?
Me: Manny. Really? I don’t know about that question but now I’m certainly going to include one about how a guy makes it through life named “Manny?” He should have married someone named “Wifey.” Then the Justice of Peace could have said, “I now pronounce you Manny and Wifey.”
Wife #1: Yeah, we’re gonna have to decline. Click.
Hmmph. As I hung up I told myself, absolutely no questions about other partner fantasies.
That night I served soup, salad, and chicken with choice of baked or mashed potatoes and already there was an issue. I asked Husband #2 (when his wife was in the bathroom) if he thought she preferred her potato whole or whipped. He glared at me and said, “I know what potato is a euphemism for! We’re not staying for your raunchy little game.” He snatched his wife’s purse (and I presume he snatched his wife’s potato as well!) and the front door slammed.
“Well,” I said resisting the urge to do an evil laugh. “I guess we’re down to you three lucky couples.” Everyone squirmed uncomfortably in their seats. But that might be because my dining room chairs are at the bottom of this post.
When dessert was served I invited the couples to take their seats in the pairs of chairs set aside with their backs to one another. I sliced up the pie, took my seat with my new fiancé and hoped for the best.
Me: Okay first question. We’ll start out easy. Wives — What’s your favorite thing right now on your mate?”
Answers were “his wedding band” and “this shirt I bought for him” and “Old Spice cologne.” But Wife #4 said simply, “Nuts.” When questioned, she sheepishly admitted she thought I asked, “favorite thing right now on your plate?” And she loved the pecan pie.
Me: Moving right along. Husbands, when you first met your future mother-in-law you thought to yourself, ‘Genetics aren’t everything. I can live with my wife if her ______ grows.’
Answers ranged from “hair” to “nose” to “ass” with one husband wanting to ensure he got a little something/something later on, because he wrote down, “heart.”
So far, so good.
Me: Husbands again – – if your wife could be compared to a cereal, which one would she be?
Again, the men came through as romantics with “Lucky Charms” and “Special K” (the wife was named Kay!) and “Sugar Smacks” (his wife was rumored to be into BDSM) My fiancé dared to say, “Cracklin’ Nutty Flakey Oat Bran” but I chose to let it go.
Me: If your first kiss with your spouse could be described as a candy, what would it be?
Clever, clever guys. Answers were “Starburst” and “Hot Tamales” and “Bar None.” One husband said “Pay Day” then changed it to a “100 Grand bar” and the wife thought he was inferring she was a hooker and stomped out of our house, followed by her man wailing plaintively, “But I thought that would be better than saying, Snickers or Butterfingers!”
At this point my fiancé said he was getting tired and had early morning appointments with patients and could I wrap things up fairly soon? So I decided to throw in a question about that. “If your husband was a doctor, what would he specialize in?” Fiancé immediately sauntered out of the room yawning and to get his toothbrush. Oh well.
But then I lost another couple when I asked, “Who would you say wears the pants in the family?” I didn’t think being a cross-dresser would come up.
The last remaining husband and wife stared at me and I braced myself for the worst.
Husband #1: We’ve waited all night to hear you ask which of her girlfriends I fantasize about being with.
Wife #1: Yeah, C’mon! It’s the whole reason we came. We thought it would be a great way to start up a threesome!
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/jeopardize/
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Great post. Reminds me of my first book – just published – about a group of us who played such a game. Unfortunately we were too drunk – or too foolish – to stop playing when we should have.
new follower – thank you for sharing.
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Hi! Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment. Please come back and share the link to your book so my readers (and of course myself !) can check it out. Congrats!
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Thank you for your great blog.
link to book: http://amzn.to/2k6G2SE
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This was absolutely hilarious. I loved that show growing up and I commend you for trying it out with your friends. I never dared to venture doing so since I could just imagine what the results would be…hurt feelings, arguments, dirty looks, awkward silences. I did play once with a few people “Never Have I Ever”. That was an eye opener as well. Oh, and I love your blog. You’re a genius!
— The Pretty Platform (a.k.a. Elke)
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Can I just say you made my day?!! Heck my entire summer! Thanks so much for visiting and commenting. How did you find me? Never Have I Ever would get dangerous! I will visit your blog now!
Take care, Stephanie
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You see….we already started our symbiotic relationship. You made me laugh and I made your day. The plan is to keep this up. And it seems that WordPress’s algorithms are on point since they recommended your site, and BOY! were they right. So, thank you for your humor and we can both thank WordPress for bringing us together.
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OMG! Do you still have these “friends”??? LOL this was great!
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Ha…. Let’s just say this was fictional BUT I do force people to play this game on Valentine’s Day. Thanks so much for reading and taking time to comment.
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LOL!
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Also thanks for following–how did you find me?
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You are welcome! I found you on The Women of Midlife
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Love it when a story comes full circle. Good one Steph!
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Damn. My invitation got lost in the (cyber) mail?
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Heehee. I just love your posts, Stephanie this one especially 😀
My imagination has gone haywire after seeing chairs. There is no way you can sit on them in just bra and pants. Your day wear outfit must be akin to a Barbarella theme. Oh boy ! 😀 ❤
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love it!
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Thanks so much for taking the time to read and tell me so! Stephanie
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it was well worth the read!
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ha ha ha what a great finish. loved it
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Ahhh thank you — I was worried that might fall flat and readers wouldn’t make the connection to the earlier phone call. I appreciate YOU!
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Yikes! You’re lucky no one stole the silverware
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Oh! The silverware is so bizarre it makes the chairs look tame! 😉
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I love the chairs! I’d love to see the silverware! You know, I was very tempted to come to your 4th of July party. I think the 2 hour trip may have been worth it!
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Oh man, I really wish you had come. Especially since I missed our annual May meet-up (ok so we only did that once!) but also I’d have spent the entire party pressuring your talented family to perform for my crowd.
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If we had the chance to perform, we would have been there for sure! Yeah, I kept telling them we should go and they were looking at me like I was crazy but you’re pretty worth it. Anyway, the kids didn’t like Great Wolf’s Lodge so much so pretty sure it will be Legoland again next year.
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Very funny blog! Playing could be a risky business !
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Anything that goes on at my house is a bit unsafe!
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Hahahaha! You are such a funny girl!! xoxoxoxo
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Thanks Miss Sassy Lassie– think we share same bizarre humor!
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