Have you detected the newest fad in eating? The trendiest ingredient of the millennium is now getting its own dedicated restaurant. A few of them, in fact! In Brooklyn, New York, “Avocadoria” just opened on April 10th. And in Amsterdam, “The Avocado Show” has already been serving nothing but these green gems for a while now. And don’t forget Avocado Athens, in Greece.
Little Miss Menopause (of course!) felt compelled to go undercover for a review, an interview, and to get all the facts on why these Avocado Advocates were so passionate about something that when mushed up, looks like it belongs in The Exorcist. As I deplaned in NYC, I changed into my only green shirt with this graphic I made for the front.
Me: Thank you for granting me an interview in between mashing, dicing, slicing, spreading, scooping, chopping, pureeing, mincing, and blending.
Owner: Don’t forget whipping.
Me: I never read Fifty Shades. So tell me WHY the avocado?
Owner: Why NOT the avocado? Avocado lives matter. And avocados have been greatly misunderstood. Not knowing if it was a vegetable or a fruit. And having it be just a $2.50 item listed on the menu under “Sides.” An avocado ain’t no side to nobody.
Me: Of course it’s not.
Owner: It’s the main course here. In fact, there’s nothing in my restaurant that isn’t made out of avocado.
Me: Is that so? Nothing? I heard you even spread it on sandwiches in place of mayo or mustard, true?
Owner: Absolutely! There’s nothing in our sandwiches except avocado.
Me: But what about the bread?? Aha . . . caught you!!
Owner: Where you been girl? Avocado loaves!
Me: That’s not a thing.
Owner: Oh it’s soooooo a thing!
Me: Hmm, okay well how about this? If I were to order guacamole . . .
Owner: You’d be one boring, sheltered girl.
Me: Never mind that. If I were to order guacamole, what would you serve me to dip in it? Got ya there! You’d bring me tortilla chips, wouldn’t you?? You would!
Owner: Nope. We slice avocado into little half-dollar size circles and deep fry them in . . .
Me: OLIVE oil! Busted!
Owner: Extra Virgin Avocado oil. Didn’t see that coming, did you?
After I left the interview feeling totally beaten, I had to admit the place was packed, the ambience was
green and creamy, clean and dreamy, and the chef had it so easy. Just one ingredient for their entire menu! The wheels began to turn for me . . .
I know! I’ll open a restaurant that serves only Yams. I’m tired of people mixing up yams with sweet potatoes. I’ll call it, “I Yam Nuts!” Oh wait, then I’d have to serve cashews and almonds and pistachios as well. But not peanuts. They’re a legume.
As I walked, I brainstormed more mono-food eateries. “Cafe Capers” or “Okra-Homa” or my personal favorite, “Twinkie Twinkie Little Star,” but I’d have to talk to Hostess first.
Ironically on the street with the Avocadoria restaurant were a bunch of apparel stores, but selling one specific item. The signs proudly proclaimed, “Solo Socks” and “Only Underwear” and “Just Jammies” and “Merely Madras.” This was getting really weird.
I walked into “Scarcely Skirts” and tried to get to the bottom of this phenomenon.
Me: I’d like to buy a pair of pants?
Owner: Sorry, we only carry skirts.
Me: Oh, I’m sure you must have something else besides skirts here. I know! I’d like to buy some hangers.
Owner: We don’t have any hangers.
Me: Then what’s suspending all your skirts from the clothing racks??
Owner: Get out, Little Miss Menopause. You are obviously in need of some mushrooms. Go next door and order some shroom tacos at “Fungus ForAllOfUs.”
I have a new plan. There must be some way for me to capitalize on this new segregational commerce trend. And I’ll start with “Avocadoria.” In the vacant space next door, I am going to open a restaurant called, “The Anti-Avo.” We’ll cook everything under the sun. Except for Avocados. I’ll be an Avocado Avoidant.
Customers will become so enraged by what they see the culinary world becoming, that they’ll embrace grub integration once more. So won’t you join me in the
food good fight, hop onto this grassrutabaga grassroots cruciferous crusade where all nourishment and noshes will once again coexist in peace and harmony.