Are You Out There? I Imagine You Are . . .


When I log in to write a new post here, it’s like putting a message in a bottle and tossing it out to sea. Maybe nobody will ever read one single word, and therefore it’s as if I haven’t written anything at all.  Or maybe a certain someone (that the bottle was secretly meant for!) will be be surfing (the ocean or the internet?) and analyze it closely, looking for hidden codes or puzzling underlying messages to decipher and then act on what they’ve read between the lines and track me down in the real world. Maybe they’ll find my phone number and call me with important similarities that can’t be just coincidences. Maybe . . .

So these words are for YOU . . . I imagine you’re out there somewhere and things will go down just like this:

  1. You’re a woman around my age who always longed for a sister. My weird words make you laugh and you strongly identify with things like chronically being out of style, becoming a librarian who shouts instead of whispers, and recreating slumber parties you didn’t get invited to as a teen where you stay up all night and eat Twinkies while doing impersonations of Rizzo in Grease singing, “Look at Me, I’m Sandra Dee. You’ll leave me a comment and we’ll plan to meet on a cruise ship to Alaska because….well because we’ve both always wanted to dance on a glacier.

  2. You’re a single guy who finds my wordplay to be foreplay. My puns, double entendres, and euphemisms drive you to distraction. When you read my work, you fantasize about having unprotected syntax, premature articulation, and propositioning me with prepositions. If you peruse my blog at your office, you’ll urgently need to take a break in the lunchroom where you’ll eat other employee’s food because you’re hungry for that which you know not how to pack yourself. You’ll contact me and we’ll instantly fall in love and go on a talk-show discussing couples who were destined to be together because of Linguistic Lust.

  3. You’re a literary agent who receives ho hum query letters by the hundreds from would-be authors, but you’ve always preferred to extract the diamond-in-the-rough from the blogosphere quite by accident, just like Lana Turner was discovered drinking a soda in Schwabs drugstore, even though that’s just an urban legend. So 26 blogs ago, you’ve been following me and saying to yourself, “Her Words! I must have Her Words. On coffee mugs or on tee-shirts — they’ll make an absolute fortune. And I’ll take 25 percent.” Then you’ll contact me, exploit me, and find a publisher for my humorous recipe book. Because food should always be funny.

  4. You’re a college student who doesn’t exactly know what you want to do with your life but somehow my blog about turning rock songs into news articles greatly inspired you. To cheat. That’s right, you thought to yourself, “If she’s out there literally transcribing the lyrics from Stairway To Heaven into a breaking news story (and not getting into copyright trouble) then I’m lifting the words to “C’mon Baby, Light My Fire” and typing them up for my next English essay.

You know that it would be untrue

You know that I would be a liar

If I was to say to you

Girl, we couldn’t get much higher . . .

5.  You’re a grandmother type who doesn’t have anybody to spoil but you’ve discerned from reading my blogs that I have six kids and thus you think you’ve hit the jackpot with knitting sweaters, baking banana bread, dispensing advice, treating them to frozen yogurt and in general starting every sentence with “When I was your age…” Next you fly to San Diego and stay in our guest room, insisting everyone call you “Grammy Goldie” but once you get slightly senile, we put you in a maximum security home for the aged and visit you only once a year because we’re not really related. Sorry in advance,

6.  You’re another author and you’ve been looking for that perfect writing style, (that would complement your own brand of genius) and also a team player who bestows actual unique titles on book chapters, rather than just assigning them a boring number. You contact me and we collaborate on a new novel about librarians who shout — which will become a NY Times bestseller, or should that be a “BestYeller?”

7. You’re a fellow insomniac who notices the timestamp on my blog posts and either wants to share with me some personal tips about falling asleep at a reasonable time, or else you want to play me in Words With Friends into the wee hours of the night. My username is OneQuoteGal. I sometimes try putting any letters together to see if they’ll go through. Is that cheating? Find me anyhow.

8. You’re a retro television show watcher and have seen how many posts I’ve written on The Brady Bunch and I Love Lucy. You’re compelled to feel sorry for me that my hairstyle is still from Charlie’s Angels and my idea of a good time is straight out of Bewitched even though I cannot twitch my nose. You contact me strictly to discuss who shot j.r.? And also the twist ending of Newhart. You’ll leave a comment right now telling me your favorite Twilight Zone episode and we’ll bond immeasurably.

9. You’re looking for a place to live in sunny San Diego and you think I’d make the ideal housemate. Okay, “ideal” might be exaggerating just a tad. You think I’d be the type of roommate that mystery thriller movies are made about — the kind who has a secret locked door in her house that leads to? And plugs flashing night lights in the baseboards of her living room so the mice can have their own discotheque, and designates two whole shelves in the pantry and refrigerator in which to store your private food but then insidiously eats it all because it looks better than my own. That kind of housemate. C’mon….write to me, I’ve got a spare room and you just know we should be cohabiting.

10. You’ve got sadness and fear deep down in you that you also try to disguise (or avoid completely!) with humor. You found this post of mine right HERE buried within all my quirkiness and wondered, “Is this fiction?” It’s not. You contact me and we talk depression and anxiety and instill hope within one another.

11. You’ve battled an eating disorder once upon a time (or now) and you understand that it’s not really about food, weight, or body size. You find me on Facebook and we support each other during the times life closes in and threatens to shut us down.

12. You’re a mid-life individual wondering, “Is THIS really all there is? This hamster wheel world that continually goes round and round with the same old thing? And why oh why can I not learn to be more grateful?  Or just meditate and stay in the present moment? How on earth is everyone else DOING this? Hint: They’re not. We need to talk.

13. You kinda already know me in real life and come here specifically because you think I’m a wild card or a loose cannon who might impulsively write something about you. And it might be far more interesting than the real you. And maybe, just maybe you’ll let me know you’re more than just an acquaintance, that you feel a real connection with me, and we can go the distance in friendship.

14. You’re someone else entirely, (not previously mentioned above) because I am afraid if this goes on for too long, nobody will ever read it. Even if they’re the one the message in the bottle is specifically meant for. But rest assured, I also write this blog especially for YOU. And you know who you are. So tell me!

 

Dear Reader . . . Won’t you finally reveal to me who you are? 

Stephanie Debra Lewis, AKA Little Miss Menopause

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17 thoughts on “Are You Out There? I Imagine You Are . . .

    • Wow, if you’re really a psychiatrist, I would question if that’s the right field given the public way you’re attempting to “diagnose” someone online. Your intention may be good but the way you presented it is not at all appropriate or kind and is coming off as shaming.
      IF someone has a psychiatric disorder that needs diagnosis then kindness and acceptance is a better way to approach their needs.
      Just my opinion. I hope you have an enjoyable day.

      Like

  1. I am an ungrandmotherly grandma who loves writing especially online so no one can tell her to shut up. I like reading your blogs and hope you visit mine too. My dream is to become bigger than The Huffington Post but since I haven’t even got a1000 subscribers it continues to remain just a dream .
    Do you have time to read more ? I bet you don’t !

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 7, 8, 10,(I am glad you weren’t there long.) and 12.
    I have thoughts sometimes that are so out there, I laugh to myself about sharing the ridiculousness of them with someone else.
    You may be the person- I’ll let you know! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Shannon! Thanks so much for reading and commenting and when you do let me know, I’m VERY good at honoring people’s privacy and anonymity. What I really REALLY liked about your comment was that you just gave adouble meaning to my title, “Are you “out there?” Only you and I will get it now but maybe I’ll put “out there” in quotes! Thanks again.
      Stephanie

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow, Stephie, a woman after my own heart… If only. I write poetry about women I fantasize about while standing in a supermarket line-up, looking oh, so lonely, and thinking “I’m right here, where are You?”
    I can collaborate on writing projects, watching as we take each other to worlds we collectively never imagined…
    I even love San Diego, where once while walking through Old Town, lost in space as well as in my own mind, and suddenly feeling a VERY SHARP KNIFE BLADE against my carotid, and hearing the words “What are you doing in my town, Whitey?” whispered threateningly into my ear, and then making that man my friend because I’m Canadian and Metis, and we laugh for days over how we met.
    But I am trying to stop being an imsomniac. I really should get some sleep, I mean, Gaia knows I haven’t had much sleep time in my almost 70 years of life…
    Oh, shit, now you know how old I am, and you’re not looking for a senior citizen to live the rest of your life with, cuz he won’t be around long, and no matter how good he is to you, you don’t want to have to do this all over again 5 years from now and
    Besides that I have a partner, so I’m not really single, and she and our 6 cats, oops, only 5 now, follow wherever I go, and the two horses, and the 38 tigers and…
    Damn it Stephie, why don’t you just move up here with us. You can be our maid and I can watch you in your sexy French Maid outfit and seduce you and it’s so exciting because we know we will be found out, but how long can we keep our great love a secret…
    Will it matter that I’m an atheist? Well, a spiritual atheist, but me and the Big Man Upstairs don’t see eye to eye and we agreed long ago to not bother each other because neither of us really exist anyway and…
    I am here, Stephie, if you want me.

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    • Okay so wow– never woulda guessed your age by your very intricate and contemporary thought process here in my comments section! And Old Town is alive and well and about twenty minutes away from me. But now I must ask a favor? Can we stick with “Stephanie” in its full version? All nicknames hold negative connotations for me due to some childhood incidents. Thank you!

      Like

      • No problem, I do apologize, and I wish you had told me earlier. And the story about Old Town was true, back in 1972. I was a hippie (still am, in my mind, which may explain the way you read me) back then, and I was just hitching through the States getting to know the lay of the land. looking for what was left of Haight-Ashbury and others Flower Children meccas. I somehow ended up in San Diego, and then in MacArthur Park. I was just wandering around the park, trying to take it all in, and had transitioned into an area of old houses with what was to me a very different architecture. That’s when the guy with the knife appeared, and I really thought I was about to die…I will never forget San Diego, needless to say. And now, I will never forget you either….

        Like

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