Forget Weight Watchers …. Now There’s Height Watchers!

Have you failed at trying to control your weight? Are you sick of counting calories, carbohydrates, fat grams, or food group points to no avail? Today’s your lucky day!

There’s something new on the horizon for people who are unhappy with their bodies …. now you can change your height — as long as you follow these 15 easy steps, you can achieve the 5ft 6 or 6 ft 2 body you’ve always dreamed of having.

 

15 Simple Tips To Control Your Height!

 

  1. It’s true. We’ve been misusing those nifty height/weight charts all this time. They actually work in reverse. Find your current weight on the (minuscule) chart above and then look directly next to it to see how tall someone within that given weight range should be. There. Got it? That’s your goal height!
  2. Ready? Now throw away your bathroom scale. There’s something far less cumbersome (than an ugly hunk of steel you step on) for you to track your progress with. A graceful, slender measuring tape. Hang one up on any bare wall.
  3. Stand next to either the side with inches or centimeters and smoosh your hair flat against your head with a hardcover book, (preferably my novel “Lullabies & Alibis”  which is made expressly with this purpose in mind) and make a mark with your pencil so you can see your beginning height clear as day. No cheating by standing on tiptoes or slouching.
  4. Figure out if you should become shorter or taller. If you’re already satisfied with your height, you can advance to changing your shoe size using a convenient feet-binding method which will be the subject of a future blog.
  5. Doorways! Have you only been using them to transition from your kitchen to your den to your bathroom? Silly you!  Grab onto the framed molding above the door and let your entire body hang there for three minutes. Do this every single time you enter or exit any room.
  6. Mindful suspension is the key. Always focus on the sensations in your body as you just dangle, so you can stay in the present moment.
  7. If you pass through a door but don’t feel like using it as a body-stretcher, it probably means you are stressed or aren’t coping well with some important life issue and a good therapist should be able to help you so you won’t be someone who just views doorways as a method to advance through your entire house. We call that being an “Emotional Home Roamer.” People like that just use doorways as handy portals instead of the Height Shifters they were designed to be.
  8. Look at actors in the movies or models in magazines and see where the tops of their heads reach, relative to objects such as wall clocks, flatscreen televisions, or other people standing nearby. Tape a photo (of someone who is as tall or as short as you desire to be) on each and every door knob in your home. This visual reminder will cause you to admire and possibly envy them, but it will certainly motivate you to want to achieve your goal when you pass by and see a person of your ideal height.
  9. Note: If you want to become shorter instead of taller, simply reverse the process described in step #5.
  10. Be sure and only stand next to the measuring tape every morning when you first awaken, before the ceiling in your home can distort your height. This will give you a true and accurate number of your improved stature.
  11. For every millimeter your height changes, reward yourself for all your hard work and great effort, but make sure it’s not something that will add on inches. i.e. Avoid treats such as hats, high-heeled shoes, hair ornaments used to create updos, and especially pride, as that could make anyone walk around feeling 10 ft tall.
  12. Bingeing on things with measurements will also slow your progress and you’ll be back to square one. That includes inchworms, a “tall” glass of water, a foot-long sub sandwich, or even an old fashioned wooden ruler which should only be used for rapping the knuckles of unruly children. Don’t partake in these things!
  13. Galleries! It’s all about Galleries in and Galleries out. If you take in more (art) galleries than you exorcise (think spinning your head around 360 degrees like Linda Blair in that scary movie) you will not get any taller or shorter and you could be destined to remain at the same height your DNA blueprint dictates for your entire life.
  14. Avoid Curbs! Rice, pasta, bread, and potatoes are all fine. But if you indulge in curbs, your height is liable to change suddenly AND dramatically. If you don’t believe me, go on a date with someone and let them walk in the gutter or the street whilst you stroll along on the curb. You can no longer gaze into each other eyes. Forget having “Curb Appeal.” Curbs are the enemy!
  15. A high “Pro-Teen” regimen also has a lot to offer in this process, so don’t be against kids between the ages of 13-18. They will keep you full longer which brings more satisfaction, they are harder to digest, and thus will keep you busy with their loud music and disrespectful attitudes between your door-hanging sessions.

I hope you’re not laughing at any of this. It’s no joke — which is why I purposely didn’t post this on April Fool’s Day. Trying to manipulate your weight from your natural set-point is just as absurd a notion (and damaging!) as what I’ve outlined above with changing your height. And more importantly, it’s flirting with disaster and a full-fledged eating disorder, which is exactly how mine started and spanned decades. (Thank you, Dr. Atkins!)

Diets do NOT work. But our societal “Diet Culture” (lately disguised as “a Wellness Lifestyle Change” with “Clean Eating” and “Juice Fasts” etc.) is insidious and will keep you imprisoned in the vicious cycle of trying over and over again.

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This is a real advertisement from 100 years ago when “We” decided that being “plump” was better! Are we really going to let the whims of the media dictate what’s best for us?

I’m finally completely cured from my bulimic behaviors now and if you’re interested in a post detailing the way that miracle finally happened, leave me a comment. I promise it doesn’t involve buying a thing.  I just want everyone to obtain the freedom to feel good in their own skin. I have my life back now.

And I’ll leave you with my new song lyrics in case any mothers out there might be “role-modeling” for their young children food or exercise behaviors that can lead to dire consequences. Listen HERE

Body Acceptance!!  Embrace body positivity and diversity in ALL sizes. It’s the only way. Let’s dictate THAT for a change!

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You Rock!

photo-426Myself: 17%
Together: 25%
I gave guidelines:  11%
I gave direct hints: 13%
He surprised me: 34%

What are these statistics for? These are the results of a survey given by The BAA (Bridal Association of America) to recently married females.  The question:  “Who picked out your engagement ring?”

I am focusing on the bottom 34%.  This is NOT directed at couples who decide together to get engaged and then opt to go together to get the woman a ring.  Nope.  I am thinking about that hopeful guy who has gathered up all his courage after a thoughtful shopping trip and then goes the extra mile to propose marriage inside a fortune cookie or on a Jumbotron at a basketball game.

This is also the result of a conversation I overheard today (Warning:  Yes, I AM on the loose in public places, eavesdropping for ideas to write about!) in a Starbucks.  Shall we listen in?

Bride-To-Be:  Just look at this pathetic ring.

Friend:  I can’t. I left my magnifying glass at home.

Bride-To-Be:  OMG — How can I ever put this on Facebook?  Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to spend at least three months of his salary?

Friend:  Maybe he thought that was after taxes?

Bride-To-Be:  Can I say “yes” to his proposal of marriage, but ‘no’ to this ring?

I cannot ignore this poor Bride-To-Be  (and others like her) in her time of need.  But first a guide to preventing this in the first place.

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Who remembers this episode? “Only a real diamond will cut a glass window!”

HOW TO GET THE RING YOU DESERVE AND STILL BE SURPRISED

Drop hints with food:  1.  When you order fish in a restaurant, bypass the shrimp on the menu by looking coy (not Koi!)  and exclaiming, “I think size really does matter, don’t you?” (Expect this to carry over into the bedroom that night)  2.  Consistently munch on two or three whole carrots whenever you’re in his presence. 3.  Keep digging through boxes of Crackerjacks, remarking that you can’t wait for the ‘prize.’

The Letter C:  Tell him how important you think the 4 C’s are  (and not Caviar, Cars, Children, and Chutney!)

Marilyn:  Dye your hair platinum and sing verses like, “A kiss on the hand may be quite continental!  A kiss may be grand but it won’t pay the rental.”

Names:  Tell him your parents almost named you Tiffany. And that he looks like a Harry Winston.

Movies, Television & Music:  1.  Keep renting the James Bond film,  “Diamonds Are Forever.”  2.  Rewind the Cave of Wonders scene in Aladdin where Jafar calls him a “Diamond in the rough.” 3.  Cheer and applaud every time Charlie Brown mutters, “I got a rock.” 4.  Sing anything by Neil Diamond (except “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore” which will cause him to pull roses from a neighbor’s garden.

Symbolic:  Explain that you believe the size and quality of a diamond represents the depth and strength of your committment, not to mention that it will be interpreted as a measure of his success in other people’s eyes. Does he really think it’s a coincidence that “ring” rhymes with “bling?”

Fidelity:  The larger the diamond, the more visual a “Stay away” sign sent to other men.  And the larger a reminder for you not to flirt — Otherwise you might forget and he wouldn’t want that.

Aging:  Don’t hesitate to add that if it’s too small, you will be forever squinting to see it — and that will cause wrinkles.

Telephone:  Instead of telling him to call you later, ask him to “give you a ring.”

Cubic Zirconia:  Tell him how romantic it would be for him to propose with a “placeholder” ring. And then once you say “yes” you can go shop together for the real diamond ring.  Awwww.

Sports:  Take a sudden interest in baseball Diamonds and boxing Rings.

If None of This Works and He Proposes With a Ring You Don’t Like:

Get a pink satin jacket, bob your hair, and wear the ring on a chain around your neck, claiming you’re a product of the 1950’s.

Tell him you’re highly allergic and break out in a rash with any diamond under a full two carats.

Explain that the ring didn’t fit but when you took it in to be resized, the jeweler dropped it down into a floor heater grate.

First make sure he’s not an I Love Lucy fan.  Next, tell him the ring slipped off and fell into a bucket of mortar.  Now it’s somewhere inside a brick BBQ that you were building with your friend Ethel.

Tell him you are superstitious and if a woman permits another woman to try on her engagement ring, the other woman will steal the heart of her betrothed.  Whom did you let try on your ring?  Your mother.

You take your Beatles very seriously and while listening to “Lucy in the Sky w/ Diamonds, your ring flew away, attached to a kite.

Or just do him a huge favor and try the honest approach. Say this:  “I want a large diamond to compensate for the fact that I have a very small heart. If you can’t understand why this issue would be so important, maybe you should find a girl that doesn’t care about such things.”

He will get down on one bended knee to thank you.

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Lucy didn’t care about her the size of her ring – – she just wanted the original one back for sentimental reasons.