Age is Just a Number – – Ha! Age is a Bunch of Numbers!


An actual card given to me this Saturday from some young Whippersnapper.

An actual card given to me this Saturday from some young Whippersnapper.

“AGE IS JUST A NUMBER!”  People like to quote that old bumper sticker adage when they’re in a relationship with one person who is significantly younger or older than they are.  (yet they want things to work)  Well, I cannot begin to tell you how much I wish that romantic topic is what I’ll be writing about today.

But alas, I turn 50 on Wednesday, so instead this is going to be about getting older, so I can submit it to the WordPress Prompt before I get too old to comprehend the entry rules.  Maybe it’s a contest or Publisher’s Clearinghouse sweepstakes I can win….Ed McMahon lurking?

Therefore the numbers I am going to focus on are all the numbers that younger people who like to say, “Age is Just a Number” don’t EVER have to worry about.   Are you ready to examine them?  Let’s go!

115/65 – – This is my blood-pressure.  That is, when I am not contemplating how much I’d like to teach a good, “strong” lesson to all the young troublemakers who chirp, “Age is just a number.”

210 – – This is my total cholesterol and I defy you to find two articles that agree this is a bad number without giving you some ratio formula that sends you back to 8th grade math class.  And then where would you be?  Passing, “Do you like me?” notes to cute Jeff W?  Or maybe to cute Susan M?  Because after all, “Gender is just a word.”

1,310 – – This is the number of Calories that “they” claim I can take in and still maintain my current weight, (a number by the way, that shall remain nameless numberless?)   Yeah, sure!  This is also the exact number of sit-ups & push-ups I’ll need to do, plus the # of times I must run around my block if I eat anywhere NEAR that number of calories!

148 – – The number of my friends over forty who can relate to what I’m talking about here.  At least I’m not alone. And yes, misery DOES love company.  Misery particularly loves when the company you keep makes you look far better in comparison. (Hey, everything is relative!)  You know, like surrounding yourself with older, uglier and duller – – so that suddenly you start to look pretty darn good?!  Keeping this theory in mind – – if you’re ever looking for me from this point on, you’ll find me happily posing on the sofa pictured below.

That's right!  I'll look like a ravishing bride if I get married sitting on this left cushion.

That’s right! I’ll look like a ravishing bride if I get married sitting on this left cushion.

5 – – Average number of times in a week I lose my keys. We’re coming off a high-achieving week right now because it’s actually been 8 times.  But I finally got smart and made copies so I have two more sets left until I’m really desperate.  They called me from Target on Friday and urgently declared, “Miss Menopause?? We just found your car keys in our shopping cart!”  I magnanimously said, “That’s okay.  Give them to someone more needy than I.”  Then I leisurely strolled to retrieve my 9th set from my jewelry box.

16 – – Number of times I look at my hair in a mirror per day and say, “Gray is the new Brunette.”

.2 – – This is the amount of Testosterone that courses thru my veins.  1. Google the amount in the average woman.   2. Google what kind of things Testosterone influences in your body.  3. Agree with me that I will never get remarried if I cannot raise this number.

4 – – Number of hours I sleep in a night.  This is on a good night.  This is because of a) 26 hot-flashes  b) 22 thoughts of,  “I better not forget to do such ‘n such tomorrow. c) 6 night sweats (don’t tell me this is the same thing as a hot-flash.  It’s not!)   d)  3  reoccurring, terrifying nightmares that I got remarried on that couch pictured above.  Or remarried at all.  d)  16 funny noises (not “ha-ha” like a whoopie cushion) that I think I hear at 1:45 am, which subsequently require my walking thru the entire house with a baseball bat.  e) 2 realizations that I should probably make my sports-enthusiast son a baseball themed birthday party.  f)  80 –  the number of google searches at 4 am it takes me to find a local bakery that will make the perfect baseball diamond-shaped cake.

14 and 1/2 – – The number of times someone tells me in a day that I am “a little bit” obsessive/compulsive.  The 1/2 is from someone else who also has OCD and keeps changing their mind.

2650 – – Number of piano lessons I was “encouraged” to have between the ages of 8-16 years old because my mother told me I would be popular at parties. “After all, everyone loves a good sing-along,” she cajoled.

0 (zero) – – Number of times I have been dragged to a piano and requested to play Moonlight Sonata or a Polka by ANYONE at all during some wild musical bash in someone’s home.

4 – – Number of times my mother reads my blog in a week so I can say, “See?  I told you so.”

22 – – The average number of pills YOU Dear Reader will need to take every single day  (to keep all the above numbers in control!) as you age.  Note:  I however, will NOT be ingesting any of this junk because I’ve officially changed my mind about this whole entire thing.  I don’t need to win any writing contest about aging.  I withdraw my entry! Forget it! (What writing contest?  See it’s already forgotten!) I’m doing just fine as a young spring chicken, thank you very much.

Age is a bunch of numbers (and a bunch of pills?)  No Thank You!

Age is a bunch of numbers (and a bunch of pills?) No Thank You!

What “number” bothers you the most about aging?  Can you make light of it?  Leave me a comment below!

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82 thoughts on “Age is Just a Number – – Ha! Age is a Bunch of Numbers!

  1. Pingback: Age is | It's Mayur Remember?

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  3. Original take on the prompt. Enjoyed it, but …only lose your keys five times a week? Gosh, you’re doing well. Or , maybe you lost memory of the count 😉

    Like

  4. Grey is the new brunette! I love it! I can relate to that in fact even if I have to use my beard rather than the hair that is deserting me. A while back my little sister, and I mean little, she’s nine, noticed a few grey hairs in my beard. “You’re going to have to pluck those out.”

    “The hell I am!,” I said. “Those are my grey hairs! I earned them!”

    Even at nine, she understood and just grinned her brilliant, toothy grin.

    Liked by 1 person

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  11. You want numbers? You got the funniest ones covered. Great idea for the keys…

    Your next adventure: a colonoscopy! Everyone is supposed to have one when they turn 50. I found out a few years too late. Everyone I talked to was AGHAST that I hadn’t had one. Afterward, I found out that in my county, less than 1% of the people over 50 ever have one. Hmmmmm. How necessary is that humiliation really?

    Enjoy the end of your last day of being in your 40s, less than a half of a century. Get ready to start looking for Senior Citizen discounts! Those are good numbers.

    Well, I guess this might be my last communication with Little Miss Menopause, since as of tomorrow, you will need to change your name to Little Old Menopause. I’ll see you on the other side of the half century 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Pingback: Weekly writing challenge, the Golden years : It’s all Gold, a 95 word story | Challenged for Words

  13. I’m glad you’re approaching 50 (really the new 30, remember?) with a sense of humor.

    “Gray is the new Brunette.”

    Laughed really hard and loud at that one. I wouldn’t know if I have any gray creeping in because I religiously dye my hair so that I’ll never have to know. And if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist!

    Number that bothers me about aging? Let’s see, the number of wrinkles around my eyes that have appeared since I had my toddler. The number of times I go up the stairs to “get something” then find myself wandering aimlessly in one of the bedrooms, touching things, poking things, then suddenly remembering I was ‘supposed to get something’ but for the life of me can’t remember what, so I go back downstairs only to think of what I needed as I hit the bottom stair. And as soon as I’m back up I wander into another, completely different bedroom, touching things, poking things . . .

    What was I saying . . .

    Fantastic post! Hilarious as always!!

    🙂

    Liked by 2 people

      • “I keep picturing the Pillsbury DoughBoy held hostage in your guest room.” Don’t I wish!! Do you know how much I love baked goods?

        And my comment was definitely NOT funnier than your post. But thank you for thinking so.

        🙂

        Like

  14. Happy Birthday and stop worrying about age. Enjoy the time you have now with friends and family.
    But since you brought up math- “50” is a milestone only because we evolved to have 10 fingers at the time someone started a number system. If we had 4 fingers on each hand, our significant “middle-age” milestones might have been 40 or maybe pushed up to 56 (and piano lessons would have been easier). With 6 fingers, the milestones might have been 30 or 60. So what am I saying? Not that you are possibly over the hill already in alternate number systems, but to stop the worry and enjoy.

    Liked by 1 person

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  16. I lost my funny comment when I saw how many calories Bumblepuppies gets to eat.

    How about:
    3 – number of times I asked myself, “Why am I in the kitchen again?” before I actually made the coffee this morning

    6 – the number of times I will pick up the same pairs of big and little shoes and put them away today

    almost 7 – the hours of sleep I need, but never get, to be a woman who won’t forget what she’s doing midtask or be pissed about shoes in the middle of the floor

    40 – the looming number by which I hope to have figured out what I’m going to be when I grow up

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    • Perfect!!! I forgot those numbers because I go off on birthday cake tangents when I hold a baseball bat. Thank you for completing me! And let’s commiserate over cookies and milk over Bumblepuppies’ caloric quota. That big Bum….blepuppy ! 😉

      Like

  17. Well and they say math has not point outside of school – weren’t they foolish. My blood pressure is so low that it tends toward the – ‘are you sure you’re not dead’ range which means I will live forever but continue to faint at the drop of a hat therefor increasing the risk of dying by accident so I guess it is some sort of balance.

    Considering the flexibility of your mind I figure if you added in the variety of different thoughts and questions that would cross it over a 24 hr period you may send even die hard mathematicians into the fetal position mumbling no more ‘what if questions’ as they are carried away to a secure facility.

    So wishing you the best for the b’day and advise to stay away from too many number related thoughts, I don’t think they’re good for you, I could be wrong – hmmm I will gather stats and make a chart.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. More numbers? Lemme see…

    2- The number of breasts Little Miss Menopause should have reverse surgery on to make her feel younger.

    3- The number of punches I’d receive to my face and/or crotch if I said that to her in person.

    2800- The number of calories a man of LMM’s age and weight can eat per day without gaining weight. (Mother Nature favored the gents.)

    50%: The portion of a century LMM has now lived.

    2%: A number that sounds more soothing to sensitive ears, it’s the percentage of a millennium that LMM has lived.

    0: My fear of aging. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  19. Hi Stephanie,

    Love the bit about losing your keys. We belong to the same club! My other half can’t understand it as his motto is ‘a place for everything and everything in its place,’ and darn it, he has never lost anything. If I should ever attempt one of those famous English mazes and actually get lost, I know who to call for. If on the other hand, I’m forever lost in one, meh… I’m insured, he quips. Yes, I’m worth more dead than alive!

    Re: age. I threw out counting long ago as I KNOW my sister keeps tab and every time I need to know, she can rattle it off down to the minutes, seconds and nano-seconds. Who needs a calculator around her!

    Can’t wait to read your post on the ‘romantic and controversial subject,’ of relationships. Enjoy your day tomorrow and the big celebration on Saturday.

    Perhaps you play the piano at the party. How many ways can you play ‘Happy Birthday?’ 🙂

    Like

    • Loved this comment Wendy!! I always wanted a sister and was upset at my lack of sibling bonding. Now I see I can just purchase a calculator and be happy. Oh, and the bowling/bawling/broiling (it was 85 degrees) birthday party already took place this past Saturday. It was a blast. Thank you!!

      Like

    • And that’s because – 16 – the number of glasses of water “they” also tell us we need to drink to maintain our weight and have clear skin, right? And if you’re anything like me, you forget to drink during the day and so you down 12 of em before bed. For “good measure.” Thanks for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Ha! Really funny stuff. Especially that you have 10 sets of keys. That couch is awful. Thinking of you posing on that couch is even worse.

    Like

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