I think I missed my calling to be in the Marketing field because I’m always thinking up slogans and jingles. I also feel sorry for Generic store brands because they don’t have any colorful packaging or catchy tag lines. They’re like the Ugly Ducklings of the supermarket shelves. But I can help these underdog products shine by giving them an edge with a few well placed words. For instance, Let’s take a plain “No Name” brownie mix. Just slap a label on the package that says . . .
“Now with extra Batter!” Your batch will bake up thicker . . . even though you’re a licker!”
Okay so maybe not so much that particular example, (you knew I meant the spoon, right?) but give me a break – – I’ve not had any formal training in this field.
Lemme try another. How about for a Cab Company.
“Our Drivers Are Always Nearby. We Don’t Condone Taxi Evasion!”
Yep, pure gold. I think I’m ready to branch out into the actual world now with a little job portfolio:
Little Miss Menopause’s Advertising Promos For Real Life Situations
“If you’re reading this, it means I’m lost.
Maybe there’s a street I shouldn’t have crossed.
But the worst is over ‘cuz now I’ve been found. . .
And you’ve saved me from ending up in the Pound.
So pick up the phone and give my owner a holler
And tell them you read about it here on my collar!”
What is this, some G Rated job? I think I can have some sexier promotional campaigns than that!
MALE’S TEE-SHIRT IN BAR
Hey ladies, look my way so I’ll flash you a wink,
I can do so much more than buy you a drink.
I can talk to you and complement and flatter,
But lemme take you home and prove size really does matter!
I ‘m cold & metal but actually quite gentle,
Any pain you feel is purely accidental.
If I touch you “down there,” don’t give me a slap,
Just checking that you haven’t been given the Clap.
You might say I’m important and quite ‘instrumental,’
Your doctor owns me outright, I’m not just a rental.
I’ll never be replaced with a cellphone or an App…
Rest assured, I’m the only way to get your Yearly Pap!
So much for sexy. I think I better go tame again.
OUR COUNTRY’S NEW LEADER
I’ll take an oath the day that I become President,
Swear to protect and serve and never be negligent.
You won’t find me surrounded by trauma or drama
Like the guy in the White House now, Barack Obama.
So pick me when you vote in our upcoming election.
P.S. I could also promise to outlaw Ebola infection!
And finally a little advertising buzz to honor the reason we’re all here.
A WORDPRESS BLOG
Do you have some feelings you wanna express?
Or a bunch of friends you wanna impress?
Pick a theme and make your personal gravatar
Reach for the brass ring, or just grab a star.
You pick your domain name – – we’ll be your Free Host
Say what you wanna say and that’ll be your first post.
But if you ever run dry, don’t write these kinds of silly advertising campaigns
Do that to your followers and watch how quickly he or she complains!
And instead of ever becoming Freshly Pressed . . .
We’ll make sure you get Especially Suppressed!
That’s right, don’t worry . . I’m not giving up my day job any time soon.
Little Miss Menopause:
Don’t leave home without her.Please Leave Her At Home!
Would love for you to visit my latest humor on the Huffington Post Comedy Section today.