We’ve all seen those lists, “10 Things Women Wish Men Knew.” Number one is always, “We don’t want guys to problem solve or find solutions – – we just want them to listen to us.” Yeah, right.
“Hey Handsome! The washing machine overflowed today. But Please don’t fix it, just let me ramble on while you show your compassion to the soon-to-be moldy carpet,” said No Woman Ever!
Actually I think my brother-in-law Norman, is the one responsible for thinking up that little gem; it got him out of doing my sister-in-law’s “Honey Do” list.
Someone has been giving men rotten advice lately, particularly about “Older” women. Now stay with me here – – it may be far-fetched, but I’m certain it’s actually a MALE writing all these articles about what women “our age” really want, what we wish for, and how to “help us” through these difficult years. This same man now writes for the show, “Cougar Town.” Let’s break down his latest list, shall we?
What Women Really Want!
(Oh! See how clever he is? Randy can be a girl OR a guy’s name!)
My occasional comments on this list are bold. Like me.
1. When intercourse is painful, don’t give up on us….just be creative and add variety! Yup. Because we soooo want to try a new position called, “Football Hiker’s Dream” while fixing you a BLT sandwich and arm-wrestling.
2. When we get cranky, just keep your own spirits high. Your happiness is our happiness. Nothing’s worse than TWO irritable partners, so please continue to go on vacations and to parties alone. We need our rest after all.
3. Help us make that major mid-life decision by charting and graphing the pros/cons of keeping our ovaries. Make a spreadsheet. Transfer it to Quicken. Convert it to a PDF and then to a binary file. Bake at 350 until golden brown!
4. Menopause is like a rebirth, so help us reinvent ourselves. Take us hunting, fishing and golfing. Why not teach us to homebrew beer, throw darts and sign us up for pole dancing lessons while you’re at it?
5. We’re terribly lonely now that the kids have left. Help us fill our time and feel needed again. Yes, it would be oh so helpful if you brought the gang over for weekly poker nights to let us practice our new pole-dancing moves. (see #4)
6. Empathize with our symptoms. Say, “I know exactly how you feel.” Please do just that when we’re kicking off the blankets, drowning in our own sweat, and feeling like someone struck a match on our neck. Remind us about the time you had a fever of 99.4 and couldn’t leave bed for a week.
7. Bring us gifts that emphasize our sexuality and our talents, it will raise our self-esteem. Yes, that skimpy, flimsy red Frederick’s of Hollywood nightie with the push-up bra is just what the doctor ordered to help with the above mentioned night sweats and to camouflage weight gain. Oh, and buy us an iron. Yes, it’s true! Menopausal women find the act of smoothing out wrinkled suit shirts quite soothing.
8. Keep us positive. Remind us of the silver linings and to always be grateful. That’s right! We’re not going to get periods anymore so now we can swim with the sharks without being fish bait. Yay! Getting only three hours of sleep a night gives us more waking hours to accomplish laundry and housecleaning. When having a hot flash, we can simultaneously thaw the lamb chops for dinner. Goodie! (Bonus points if you tell us which body part to use.)
9. Give us subtle Memory Cues to help with our forgetfulness, but allows us to save face. If we forget our Social Security # or your cell phone number, just tell us us it’s the same digits as our measurements pre-childbirth. If we forget our own name, remind us we’re now called, “VSD46B2” – – we’ll be thrilled to discover we also have a matching personalized license plate! (To see if your own recall is really as bad as all that, take my easy Memory Quiz right here
10. Be a Fitness Buddy. It’s very helpful when you help us track our weight, calories and exercise. Especially in public — a little term of endearment like, “You don’t really need that carrot cake tonight, do you, Piglet?” will go a long way.
And finally, To Randy: here’s a little tip from a genuine REAL “older woman.” What do we actually want? To watch men experience all that we go through for just one day!
* Big Thanks to “Sir Sid” for helping me link another post far more smoothly.