We’ve all seen those lists, “10 Things Women Wish Men Knew.” Number one is always, “We don’t want guys to problem solve or find solutions – – we just want them to listen to us.” Yeah, right.
“Hey Handsome! The washing machine overflowed today. But Please don’t fix it, just let me ramble on while you show your compassion to the soon-to-be moldy carpet,” said No Woman Ever!
Actually I think my brother-in-law Norman, is the one responsible for thinking up that little gem; it got him out of doing my sister-in-law’s “Honey Do” list.
Someone has been giving men rotten advice lately, particularly about “Older” women. Now stay with me here – – it may be far-fetched, but I’m certain it’s actually a MALE writing all these articles about what women “our age” really want, what we wish for, and how to “help us” through these difficult years. This same man now writes for the show, “Cougar Town.” Let’s break down his latest list, shall we?
What Women Really Want!
(Oh! See how clever he is? Randy can be a girl OR a guy’s name!)
My occasional comments on this list are bold. Like me.
1. When intercourse is painful, don’t give up on us….just be creative and add variety! Yup. Because we soooo want to try a new position called, “Football Hiker’s Dream” while fixing you a BLT sandwich and arm-wrestling.
2. When we get cranky, just keep your own spirits high. Your happiness is our happiness. Nothing’s worse than TWO irritable partners, so please continue to go on vacations and to parties alone. We need our rest after all.
3. Help us make that major mid-life decision by charting and graphing the pros/cons of keeping our ovaries. Make a spreadsheet. Transfer it to Quicken. Convert it to a PDF and then to a binary file. Bake at 350 until golden brown!
4. Menopause is like a rebirth, so help us reinvent ourselves. Take us hunting, fishing and golfing. Why not teach us to homebrew beer, throw darts and sign us up for pole dancing lessons while you’re at it?
5. We’re terribly lonely now that the kids have left. Help us fill our time and feel needed again. Yes, it would be oh so helpful if you brought the gang over for weekly poker nights to let us practice our new pole-dancing moves. (see #4)
6. Empathize with our symptoms. Say, “I know exactly how you feel.” Please do just that when we’re kicking off the blankets, drowning in our own sweat, and feeling like someone struck a match on our neck. Remind us about the time you had a fever of 99.4 and couldn’t leave bed for a week.
7. Bring us gifts that emphasize our sexuality and our talents, it will raise our self-esteem. Yes, that skimpy, flimsy red Frederick’s of Hollywood nightie with the push-up bra is just what the doctor ordered to help with the above mentioned night sweats and to camouflage weight gain. Oh, and buy us an iron. Yes, it’s true! Menopausal women find the act of smoothing out wrinkled suit shirts quite soothing.
8. Keep us positive. Remind us of the silver linings and to always be grateful. That’s right! We’re not going to get periods anymore so now we can swim with the sharks without being fish bait. Yay! Getting only three hours of sleep a night gives us more waking hours to accomplish laundry and housecleaning. When having a hot flash, we can simultaneously thaw the lamb chops for dinner. Goodie! (Bonus points if you tell us which body part to use.)
9. Give us subtle Memory Cues to help with our forgetfulness, but allows us to save face. If we forget our Social Security # or your cell phone number, just tell us us it’s the same digits as our measurements pre-childbirth. If we forget our own name, remind us we’re now called, “VSD46B2” – – we’ll be thrilled to discover we also have a matching personalized license plate! (To see if your own recall is really as bad as all that, take my easy Memory Quiz right here
10. Be a Fitness Buddy. It’s very helpful when you help us track our weight, calories and exercise. Especially in public — a little term of endearment like, “You don’t really need that carrot cake tonight, do you, Piglet?” will go a long way.
And finally, To Randy: here’s a little tip from a genuine REAL “older woman.” What do we actually want? To watch men experience all that we go through for just one day!
* Big Thanks to “Sir Sid” for helping me link another post far more smoothly.
Oh hell to the yeah – it’s the same man who decides what fashion style is the next big thing. Women want men to:
1. Realize that glancing at a room isn’t looking for their keys.
2. To understand that asking for directions doesn’t lead to emasculation.
3. Be able to multi-task or at least remember 2 of the 4 things you asked them to pick up on the way home.
4. Understand the fact that if it isn’t shiny or it doesn’t sparkle – it ain’t a birthday present.
5. When you ask for quiet time that doesn’t mean them leaving the room to watch sports at volume in the next.
6. Comprehend that increased hormone fluctuations does not mean decreased IQ.
7. To pick up on the fact when we say something is ‘just fine’ they should freeze and automatically start ticking off possible offenses in their head – but for gods sake don’t ask us to tell them – I mean REALLY.
8. To know that women make the rules.
9. To understand that men will not be told the rules.
10. To comprehend that if a man does discover said rules then the rules will change.
I think the above quite fair and reasonable given all the facts – Don’t you.
OMG – – Your P.S. is way funnier than my “letter!” And yes, I do think it’s MORE than fair. Love them all, but especially cracked up at 4, 7 & 10!!
You are just too funny. I may have to un-blog you. Oh, and since you are Randy, you must have chosen the name for its meaning too. Right? Clever!
Ok, I know I am not the best judge of the issue but I needed a good laugh this morning and I got it. Thank you and while it may be painfully to read it’s true, so true.
I agree. This was written by a guy. # 4, 7, and 10 are the clinchers. Especially 10–No woman would want her man to track her calories, etc. Glad you found this list and debunked it. Fun stuff.
Oh dear Deborah, I need to confess I wrote both parts of the list. All in the name of a humor piece. I thought it was a funny notion if some guy was behind the “What Your Woman Really Wants” lists. So I am “Randy.”
I’m going to stay out of this one, my mind is already befuddled on this subject. Instead, I will concern myself with what a fellow human would like me to know (I assume that that should cover it) 😛
In either case, this has brought multiple grins to my day 😀 .
Also, I’ve noticed your name-change Miss Pause 🙂 , it’s an excellent choice, if I say so myself!
Yes, we Women are human, last I looked – – so yes…good policy.
“Miss Pause” was on a brief visual trial so I could see how it looked in one comment. lol. I DO REALLY like it since I can get impulsive and I do need to learn to Pause and think things thru. Also I hope to write something that at some point gives “someone pause,” as the saying goes.
But then again, I don’t know if i should drop my current name for branding reasons. And no I didn’t say Brandy reason! However, I still maintain I am too young to fully identify with being that “age.”
We shall see and time will tell. Both phrases that I detest!
Brandy reasons sound great! (I’ve never had Brandy, but booze is booze!)… Anyways, having multiple pseudo-names cannot hurt 🙂
I hope you didn’t misunderstand me for accidentally causing you to think that I don’t consider women to be human… you know what I meant! Alright then, I’ll be drowning in my guilt and shame. Cya.
No Sir, I did not misunderstand you. My response was a (very) weak attempt at humor. And yes, I am pretty sure I “get you” now that we have conversed via blog comments at more length than I ever thought possible…lol. So all kidding aside – – let me specify that all kidding here is fair game, yes??
I finally get a sigh of relief. When it comes to offending people, I would rather assume that I offended you, than assume that your just jesting with me. The other option is risky, as, if I did offend you and I assume you are jesting with me, I will come off as the biggest jerk anyone has ever met.
But now that you have reassured me, I can match your sentiment of letting all kidding here to be deemed fair game 😛
Let the Offender be reassured!!
(do you hear me giggling?)
LOL 😀 Yes I can!
Stephanie, you make me laugh. You make such good points and with such wit.. I sometimes feel like I’m getting to experience standup in a blog post. “pole dancing move reference was my favorite.
Thank you from the heart, Diahann. I am very honored that you are following my blog and I’ve realized something after exploring your site. I share so many of your emotions, but somehow it’s much “safer” for me to express them via humor. One day I hope to rise up and do a serious post where I cannot hide behind the “I was only joking” stance. One day….
You are a funny and brilliant writer. However, I must disagree with a few points. Point #1, not everyone eats bacon you know. Point #4, do you think it wise to give someone sharp objects to throw along with mood swings? Point #6, okay agreed. Okay, #7, now I get it, it was suppose to be a hot rock treatment, but what I got was a hot iron on my back. The tip for Randy came through very sincere, ouch!!!!
“To watch men go experience all that we go through for just one day.” I actually had an opportunity to do that. I had surgery and was camped out in the lounge chair. My husband was trying to keep up with the laundry, dishes, cooking, etc. Our 8 and 10 yr old grandchildren were spending the night. He had the washing machine going, was trying to get supper, the grandson was finally in the shower, the granddaughter had just gotten out and was standing naked and wet in front of a pile of clean laundry piled on the couch. She was going through it, flinging clothes everywhere, and yelling “I can’t find any underwear.” Our 130 pound German Shepherd dog then went upstairs and threw up 1/2 a huge bag of M&M’s (think Costco) all over the kid’s bedroom. I just lay in the lounge chair and laughed. It hurt to laugh, but it was too funny not to.
Stitches or not, that’s worth the laugh.
I no longer try to figure out what women want, I just wait, eventually I’ll be told. Life then becomes so much easier for everyone then.
I always thought older women just wanted to be given containers of wrinkle cream… to spare them the embarrassment of having to buy it in person. 😉
Seriously, though, nice job.
Thank you and don’t buy us wrinkle cream, just go around to all the dozens of little counters in Macy’s and gather us up all the free samples. We’d be indebted.
I already know what to get women. That post has already been written and it will be appearing sooner or later.
Of course I was only teasing. But here’s what I really want – – to read this post of yours, so I am hoping it will be appearing sooner rather than later.
You’ll just have to wait and see…