Phone Sex . . . Your True Calling? (Part 2)

betty boopI was going to end with Part 1 (avoiding future awkward moments for my readers) but many people phoned insisting I finish what I started. Of course most of those callers were my daughters referring to their baby scrapbooks.

 For better or worse, we now return to the climax of the “HOW TO HAVE BETTER PHONE SEX” article I modified from Wiki How, posted in its original state  HERE. My additions are in Red Font.

Begin the call!

Once you have your partner on the phone, take things at a speed you’re both comfortable with. There’s no “correct” way to have phone sex.  However there is an incorrect way! Don’t put your partner on hold each time your persistent Jewish mother calls worried about your “health.” Here’s the fix: Tell her beforehand you’re keeping your line clear for a prominent physician to call. She’ll be so busy humming, “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” she’ll forget about you for hours.

  • If it helps you relax, spend a few minutes chatting before you get started… just don’t let yourselves get distracted from your sexy goal.  I like to sing, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” to bolster my confidence and to see if blondes really do have more fun?
  • A low, soft tone of voice or heavy breathing can help set the mood, but don’t force it (if you have asthma, get your inhaler) Speaking comfortably in your normal tone of voice will be sexier than an awkwardly forced attempt at sounding sexy. In fact sometimes doing the opposite can break the ice for both of you.  Do you do a mean Rosanne Rosannadanna impersonation? Now’s the time.
 Introduce a casual topic that will segue nicely into sexy talk. Getting started is possibly the hardest part. Pick a topic that’s easy for you to bring up, but which has the potential to spiral into steamier territory. Examples:
  • How much you miss them, or wish they were with you (if  your partner leads with this, best to confirm it’s not a wrong number.)
  • What you would like to do if they were with you (Refrain from saying, “Call your mother up so you can explain why she’s not welcome at our house for dinner anymore.”)
  • What you’re wearing and how you look in it  It’s a huge turn-on to be assertive so instead of asking them the usual insecure question, turn it around into a confident “I” statement. i.e. Insist,”I know these jeans DO make my butt look fat.  Yes, they absolutely do!”  If that seems to get a rise out of them, you can berate and discipline them ala Fifty Shades of Grey. “It’s your job to tell me! Don’t you roll your eyes at me!! How could you let me go out like this?  OMG, I oughta strangle you. Would you like that??”  Mmmmmm, they would. . .
  • What you’re doing at the moment (Feel free to skip this part. They’ll never hear you filing your nails over your loud moans.)
  • How you’re feeling about starting phone sex (avoid any synonyms to “Silly”)
  • Recount how many items went missing in the last load of laundry, causing sorting and mating footwear to be difficult. Oh wait, that’s Phone Sox.
  • Escalate into sexy talk. (If you tend to loose your footing on moving staircases, Elevate into sexy talk instead.)  Once you’re feeling comfortable, try getting bolder with your descriptions. A good approach is to describe these 3 things:
  • What you’re doing: Describe how you look and the way you’re touching yourself. Be raunchy but coy! (Just don’t say, “Maybe we could do it in a Koi pond some day. Wouldn’t that be raunchy?”)
    • Ask for “advice” — for example, “should I start playing with my underwear?” (“White underwear that turned pink in the wash yet again, I kid you not! Any advice on that issue?”) Shhh, not the laundry again!  That’s only erotic the first time around.
    • Tell them what you’d like them to do, if they’re willing. (Would they be willing to buy you a Porsche? No? Bargain with them. How about just a down payment on a Honda Accord?)
    • Don’t feel bad if you’re not comfortable touching yourself — you can still let them know that you’re enjoying simply listening to them.  Or say enthusiastically, “I couldn’t wait to touch myself. And guess what I discovered? My purple nail polish is nearly dry!”
  • What you’re imagining: This could be, for example, what you’d like to be doing with your partner, or a moment from great sex the two of you experienced in the past, (make sure their recall skills are just as sharp as yours however, or you’ll be arguing whether you were the person on top during an Alaskan cruise or a Mexican holiday.
    • You might want to start out slow: begin with tame descriptions like “first, I’d stroke your hair. Btw, did you ever try that dandruff shampoo I bought you?” or “I really like the way your chest looks in a T-shirt”, (just not the one that says, “I’m with Stupid.”) before moving on to steamier things like “then I’d kiss your neck” or “remember when you did that thing in the shower?” And after that, we never had another clogged drain again!
    • As always, how explicit you get, and how quickly, is entirely up to you. Seize the control, baby! 
  • How you’re feeling: Describe the physical and emotional feelings you’re experiencing as a result of what you’re doing and/or what they’re saying.
    • Moaning is a great way to communicate. However, there’s no need to to do this if you’re uncomfortable. You can start with just letting your breath go at first, to help encourage little moans into louder moans. I think there’s a MPH (Moans per Hour) formula but I’m not sure. Moan Multiplication is complicated if your mouth math skills suck.  You could moan to the 10th power and then divide by the square root of 9 and call it a day. If you’re more right brained, Musical Moaning to Michael Jackson’s Thriller can be equally as effective.
    • Let them know when they’ve described something you particularly enjoyed. (Nordstroms, Tiffany’s, Neiman Marcus. This is called Foreplay storeplay)  Likewise, don’t be afraid to tell them when you don’t enjoy something — it’ll allow the two of you to move on to something else that you’ll both find enjoyable. Have a judging system like they do on ‘So You Think You Can Dance.’

 What Comes Next!  

  • Masturbation and orgasm . Mutual masturbation and orgasm are excellent additions to phone sex, but they’re not a requirement by any means. No worries. Just like a new driver who starts the ignition and idles in the driveway the whole entire day. It’s all good.
    • Don’t feel bad if your partner doesn’t join you in masturbating. If you don’t want to masturbate alone, ask them before you start if they’d be interested in joining you? Don’t make a sales pitch. You’re not telemarketing.  Besides, they may still harbor resentments from you demanding they leave the warm bed you share together and heading to the phone booth around the corner so you could try phone sex.  Likewise, they shouldn’t get anxious if they start masturbating and you don’t want to — you’re not obligated to join them. What do they think they’ve formed? A Mutual Masturbation Coalition?  Just enjoy listening to them pleasure themselves.
    • Don’t worry if one or both of you never reach orgasm. Think of it as the icing on the cake, rather than the goal of the exercise.  However, they may have achieved their goal so quietly, (or your ears may be failing at your age) that you didn’t hear them. In situations like this, it’s permissible to say, “Was that what I thought it was?” Warning!  Don’t say, “Come again?”  photo-75
    • If you reach orgasm before your partner has, never hush all the way up!  Brush up on the lyrics to “The Sound of Silence” by Simon & Garfunkel and serenade them. Or continue talking, describing what you’re feeling and imagining. You might want to say, “Well, I imagine you might want to come back home now?” if it’s still raining outside.
  • Finishing. The point at which you decide to stop is up to you. There’s no need to wait for orgasm or until you’ve built hotels on both Boardwalk and Park Place. However if you can’t discern if they’ve reached their climax (because it’s all sounding the same right about now) you may want to have an agreed upon signal that they are indeed “complete.” Walter Cronkite signed off with, “And that’s the way it is!” but I think you can do better.
    • There’s no rule as to how quickly you should end the call after finishing off. Some people prefer ending the call as soon as their breathing has gone back to normal, whereas others prefer to stay on the line and chat. Just don’t say, “Well, I hate to eat and run but….”
    • Let your partner know how much you enjoyed yourself before you end the call and that you’d like to do it again soon.  I once said, “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”  (That didn’t go over very well.) Good Luck readers!

If this doesn’t work out, and a divorce looms in your future, I’ve got you covered there too with my brand new article on Huffington Post today right HERE.  

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Are You Hung Up On Phone Sex?

couple phone sexAs a convenient service to my readers, I occasionally take online “How To” articles and expand on them so they’re more accurate.  This will enable you to better accomplish your goals, (which let’s just suppose for today is, “How To Have Better Phone Sex!”) in a more expedient manner.

See, I’ve got your number.  And you’re welcome!

This article was originally from Wiki How and can be found HERE with outrageous graphic illustrations that depict a woman getting ready to . . .  uh, shampoo her hair??

Let’s Begin! My additions will be in red font and will luckily include much more than scintillating dialogue like this: 

“What are you wearing?”

“I don’t know.  What are YOU wearing?”

PART 1 (The Introduction)

Phone sex is a great way to spice up your sex life, whether you’re doing it because your partner is far away, (does the kitchen count?) because you’re not ready to have other kinds of sex together, because you just want to try something new, or any other reason like needing to have unique blogging material. To have great phone sex, you need to let loose, stop being self-conscious, (yes, remind yourself the phone probably hasn’t shaved its legs in weeks, either) and be ready to get turned on, no matter how silly you may feel at first. (“Silly” probably wasn’t the adjective you were feeling, but now that “Silly” has been mentioned, you probably cannot help envisioning how “Silly” the phone below would look on your partner’s ear)

phone sex

If you want to know how to have phone sex, just follow these very easy steps.  Hmm, shouldn’t one of these steps be very Hard? At least for him?

  1. Set up a phone date. While it’s true that, as with any other kind of sex, phone sex can “just happen”, the session is more likely to go well if you’ve planned ahead, especially if it’s your first time doing it together. There is probably a ready-made invitation you can send from but make sure the RSVP info is clear. You do not want to be stood up for this particular activity. And will it be potluck or catered?  If you do not have a special someone already to have phone sex with then you could try a phone sex chat line number such as 1-888-392-5412.  Yes, although this phone number is just one digit off from the As Seen On TV “Hurricane Spinning Kitchen Linoleum Cleaner”  so be careful because instead of dropping your drawers, you’ll just be mopping your floors.
  2. Pick a time when you’re both alone and free to let your inhibitions loose. (Extremely wild inhibitions may do better abiding by local leash laws.) Your plan won’t work if you’re rolling around in bed, feeling hot and heavy, (hot, as in hot flashes? Heavy, as in that extra 25 lbs?) while your partner is shivering in the rain outside the library. (Your partner is intellectual enough to visit a library, but not intelligent enough to take shelter inside during a storm?)
  3. If your partner is new to phone sex or feeling unsure, consider sending them this article, or reading it together. If your partner is already a phone sex expert, then send ’em my blog on I Hate Hugging. They’ll feel blessed to have you as a partner instead of me!
  4. Don’t forget that you can always discuss what you’d like to do during phone sex before you start. Great point. How about designing a personalized menu for both of you to choose from? i.e. Let’s say his name is Gus. You can order up a side of Steamed AssSpareGus. You get the idea.

PART 2 (The Setting)

Let loose and get in the mood. It will be difficult for you to enjoy yourselves if you feel tense or Silly, (oops!  There’s the mention of Silly again.  Now you’re thinking about this . . .)finger

So before you call, do whatever you need to do to get yourself comfortable and feeling sexy.  If you’re the one in that pouring rain outside the library, get a seductive looking umbrella.

  • Let loose: Lie in bed for a while, (browse the internet, have a glass of wine, jog on the spot, do some singing and silly dancing in front of the mirror — anything that will allow you to release the tension from your body.) If you keep your drapes open for all the jogging, singing and dancing, you may not have time for any phone sex since the neighbors will have beaten you to the telephone. They’ll call the asylum.
  • Get in the mood: Setting up a sexy atmosphere can help put you in the right frame of mind, so consider doing whatever you’d do to prepare for any other kind of sex. Here are some ideas:
    • Tidy up your room and make the bed (this was written by Merry Maids, Inc.)
    • Turn off lights, perhaps set up some candles (nice touch if you forgot to pay the electric bill)
    • Play soft music (Actually your cell might already have just the perfect melody programmed into itunes or some other app, but you’ll never know unless you get your phone turned-on.)
    • Have a bath or shower (and a shave, if you like) Yes! Poor hygiene is a real hot button. Your mobile device is very dialed in to this issue and you don’t want to push its buttons.
    • Put on (or take off!) your favorite, sexiest clothes and underwear. I have nothing to add.
    • Set out a sex toy (Be careful that it’s not another battery operated gadget because your cell phone may feel jealous and possibly even replaced. You could convince your phone that this is actually for a ménage à trois. However it may not fall for this trick since it’s a Smartphone.)
    • Turn yourself on by gently caressing your body, or thinking about your lover, or imagining sexual encounters you’ve had or would like to have… but don’t let yourself get too turned on just yet — that’s what the phone call is for!  Definitely don’t get too worked up! It’s much better to stay in that Silly frame of mind (mentioned numerous times earlier) so your partner will sense your arousal when you finally quit singing, “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and stop dancing like Dick Van Dyke.

Part 3 (The Climax) Coming Soon!cell phone sex