Since I began this humor blog back in January of this year (as a New Year’s resolution) I have sometimes been mistaken for an advice columnist. Don’t ask me how that could happen because I might just tell you. Anyhow, I have decided that every so often I will run a post containing “The Best Of” questions submitted to me. Are you ready? Of course you are!
DEAR LITTLE MISS MENOPAUSE…
I have this nosy neighbor (think Mrs. Kravitz on Bewitched) who is the only one who offers to help feed our cats and water the plants for free when my boyfriend and I travel. The problem is sometimes when we return from a trip, I can tell she has gone through my things. The last time we went out of town on a cruise I decided to teach this little Snoop a lesson. I planted a photo of me with her husband (in bed together) prominently inside my medicine cabinet. The next thing I knew, her spouse had moved out and she won’t speak to me anymore. I feel horribly guilty. And our cats get awfully hungry. How can I let her know it was just an innocent practical joke of sorts, without her blaming me for the demise of her marriage? I’ve since hidden the offending photo inside my copy of Gone With the Wind.
A Gentle Reader
Dear Gentle Reader (as opposed to a Rough Reader?)
Schedule an immediate trip to Hawaii. Write an entry in your secret diary confessing that you knew it was the wrong thing to do but you couldn’t resist teaching your helpful neighbor a lesson about privacy and boundaries. Then describe how you rigged your medicine cabinet, signing off with, “Gosh, I sure hope she’ll forgive me one day.” Good luck!
Little Miss Menopause
ps. How did you happen to have a photo of you and her husband in bed together?
You’re the same age as my wife so maybe you can help. She says I don’t express my love for her. I am a busy man with a full time law career and many hobbies like volunteering with troubled youth, yoga and wild game hunting. I’ve stopped for roses on my way home but she claims flowers just wither and die. I’ve resorted to other nice gestures too, like complimenting her dress. But she says, “If you like my clothes so much, maybe you should marry Yves St. Laurent! She has a lot of time on her hands to worry that we’ve fallen out of love. Help!
Venus or Mars (I forget which one men are?)
Dear Venus or Mars (throw that Planet book away already!)
You’re in luck! Little Miss Menopause just started supplementing her writing income with what she calls, “The High Tech, Save Your Neck by writing one Small Check” Romance Package. For one low monthly fee of $59.95 your wife will receive 50 texts a day saying things like, “I like that dress you had on this morning, but I’d rather see it on the floor!” or “Roses are red, violets are blue, flowers may wither and die, but not my affection for you!” But wait, that’s not all. She will get 10 emails a day containing mushy gushy poetry, old fashioned love letters, sexual innuendo crossword puzzles, custom word searches with all her favorite things, plus intriguing “treasure hunts” that send her all over the internet looking for her complicated clues. Eight times a day, a new post will show up on her Facebook with photos of exotic locations with “I’d like to whisk you off to this place” messages. She will be so busy keeping up with all “your” attention that she won’t have any time to nag you ever again. How does that sound? You just need to provide me with her email, Facebook name, cell phone, favorite color, her interests/hobbies and her astrological sign.
Little Miss Menopause
You’re the same age as me so maybe you can help. My husband is falling out of love with me. I have noticed all the signs. Once in a while he brings home a few wilted daisies or says he likes my dress. You seem so alive and vivacious. How do you keep the passion in your long term relationships? Sorry I write to you so often about this topic but it’s very important to me.
Withering in Wisteria Lane
Dear Withering in the Fictional Street from that Television Show,
You’re in luck! Little Miss Menopause has just started to supplement her writing income with what she calls the “Having a Fake Affair will give your Marriage a Prayer, I Swear!” Romance Package. For one low monthly fee of $59.95, a “pretend handsome suitor” will send you interesting text messages, elaborate emails your husband could never think of, (no matter what his Yoga position!) plus little Facebook messages (that will have all your girlfriends green with envy) depicting the places he’ll take you to. All you have to do is act a bit secretive and give vague answers as to where you’ve been all day. Your husband will become insanely jealous and suddenly lavish you with so much attention you won’t have time to write to me anymore. How does that sound? You just need to provide me with your email, Facebook name, cell phone, your favorite color, your interests/hobbies and the location that your husband keeps his gun.
Little Miss Menopause
I live next door to this incredibly kind woman. She’s always giving good advice, she even offers to care for our pets when we travel out of the goodness of her heart. I used to have this little crush on Mrs. Kravitz from Bewitched and she actually reminds me of her. She’s a married woman but I noticed her husband suddenly left. I’ve been thinking of getting out of a relationship with the woman I’m living with before we tie the knot because (and I know this may sound trivial) she won’t stop playing practical jokes around the house. I never know what I might come across. But I could never hurt such a faithful woman after ten years. What would you suggest?
Fixated With Pet-Sitter and Tired of Sitting on Whoopee Cushions
Bewitched reruns play often and that seems like a great compromise. But you might want to read “Gone With the Wind” for an exciting change of pace.
Little Miss Menopause
I have a hard time believing that the letters you get asking for advice are legit? C’mon, aren’t you making all these questions up when you run out of topics to post about? Including this question? It would be kind of weird if you were really just talking to yourself here.
Every good writer knows that staying within a reasonable word count is important and readers tend to get bored and lose interest after 1,000 words. I am sorry that your important question came right at this juncture. Goodbye. Note to self: Buy shredded lettuce and cheese for tacos tonight.