Most people (and by people, I mean women!) who want lasting romantic love will (at some point!) delve into the Couple’s Self-Help industry, whether it be to further intimacy, increase the quality of communication, or just breathe new life into a relationship gasping for air.
But can you have TOO much of a good thing?
The answer to that question is in a flashback from many months ago…
Me: Oh…Flowers!? And you thought flowers would validate my self-worth because??
Him: Shouldn’t you ask that question using “i messages” so I don’t feel so blamed?
Me: Yes, of course. How thoughtless of me. Let me rephrase. When did I ever say getting flowers was how I felt love?
Him: Well you clearly scored high in the “Receiving Gifts” category in the test Gary Chapman, author of 5 Love Languages, has on his website.
Me: Actually Handsome One, I scored the highest in a category called, “Words of Affirmation,” hence I’m a writer.
Him: Well you overlooked the card, Dear Heart. There are lots of words of affirmation written on that card under the purple tulip next to the baby’s breath.
Me: Also if you recall, “Quality Time” was my second highest ranked Love Language.
Him: Right. And do you realize it took an hour to order this bouquet online and then another 45 minutes for me to drive to pick it up just for you?
Me: i messages please !!!
Him: Sorry, let me rephrase that. I spent a lot of time doing something I felt would be loving and now I just feel criticized. Mirror that back for me, would you SweetCakes?
Me: Sure thing Honeybear! What I hear you saying is … you feel very put down after spending a lot of time on something you thought would make me happy. Even though I’m allergic and flowers also just wilt and drop dead, which is ironic and symbolic. Is that an accurate reflection?
Him: All except the drop dead part. Well maybe that’s spot-on too right now.
Me: I want to acknowledge your frustration and say this is a problem we can definitely work on as a team and find a good solution.
Him: Can you also acknowledge a good solution would be giving me a blow-job?
And now a flashback from several weeks ago, with different self-help techniques, but still a similar ending.
Him: Gosh, I’m starving. Let’s reminisce about old times. Our Relationship Therapist says walking down memory lane is productive in that it bonds us together. So remember when we first started going out and you used to cook all my favorite homemade meals?
Me: But our other Couple’s Counselor also tells us not to dwell on the past and to stay grounded in the present moment. And at precisely this moment, there’s a chicken pot pie in the freezer with your name on it.
Him: But my mother always served those cheap Swanson’s TV dinners to my dad and you know how our Love Advisor doesn’t want our family-of-origin old wounds to get reopened. So how’s about some of your BBQ meatloaf?
Me: Ironically, my own Inner Child’s traumatic hurt has now just been triggered as well by the mention of meatloaf.
Him: Meatloaf triggers you?? What are you, a closet vegetarian?
Me: Once while my dad was spanking me for lying, the famous band Meat Loaf’s most popular song, “I’d do anything for love, but I won’t do that!” played on the radio.
Him: Really? And this memory scarred you so much — you would do anything for our love except cook me your homemade meatloaf??
Me: That is correct. You microwaving chicken pot pie is much more cathartic for us as a couple.
Him: Well you know how our psychologist tells us to role-play painful situations in order to move past them?
Him: (Bending me over his knee, hand raised threateningly over my behind as he shouts, “Who’s Your Daddy?” while Bat Out of Hell plays on his iPhone.)
And finally here’s a flashback from just yesterday:
Me: Let’s spend more quality time appreciating one another. Remember the Intimacy Bootcamp we attended where they said the idea is not to have sex, but to just be more mindful of each other’s bodies and souls?
Him: The one that made us take salsa dance lessons together, do partner yoga, share our fantasies all night instead of sleeping, pen erotica until I got writer’s cramp, and then forced us to do couple’s massage with that coconut oil that made you break out in a rash?
Me: Yes, that’s the one.
Him: The one that said “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey?” And “It’s not the finished product, it’s the process.” And “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean.”
Me: (looking skeptical) They never said that last one.
Him: Well let’s go in the bedroom and check out my yacht anyhow.
Me: Wait! I’m going to reference what you just said in the index of our book, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting to Have a Healthy Relationship with Someone Who Makes Everything About Sex and Food.”
Him: Great! And meanwhile I’ll just look up what you’re doing in our other book, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting to Have a Healthy Relationship With Someone Who Looks in the Index of Books Titled, What To Expect When You’re Expecting to Have a Healthy Relationship With Someone Who Makes Everything About Sex and Food.”
Me: (Sigh) Okay you win….Meatloaf or Intercourse?
Him: Yes, please.
Me: You honestly want both sex and food right now at the same time?
Him: I’m feeling judged. Say that again using i messages, please.
Me: I honestly want both sex and food right now at the same time!
Him: Perfect. I knew we were soul mates.