Real Solutions? First We Need the Real Problems!


This weekend I was putting about 8 lbs of unnecessary junk mail I regularly receive (not online, but in my real life mailbox) into the trash (I know I should recycle that stuff but I keep thinking, “what can they possibly remake out of 83 notices from my homeowner’s association saying that I do not recycle properly?”) when I noticed an interesting catalogue. I won’t say what it’s called so I can’t get sued, but it has the word “Solutions” in the name and then no other words. Their tag line is “Products that make life easier.”

The first thing I noticed about this catalogue is that my backyard/garden (basically the area where I kill baby cherry tomatoes) must be having a very difficult time of it. For instance, the suffering would be greatly reduced if I were to order, “A Glass Bird that Waters my Plants for Me.” What a thoughtful little critter! (as pictured below)

photo-204And speaking of birds, the hummingbirds in my neighborhood are being overflown and therefore utterly exhausted, so I really ought to be offering them a “Hummingbird Perch/Swing” (pictured below) to rest their weary wings.  Yes!  That’s why I need this perch, or (come to think of it) it could be because they need to be enticed back into the vicinity after taking one look at the “Glass Bird” (above) and squawking out a warning to one another, “Stay the f**k away from that woman’s yard.  Do you see what she does to us?  It’s like the Tin-Man of Hummingbirds.”

photo-205Once all the hummingbirds reflock to my grounds because of the ample seating (since I will now provide Flapaloungers – – hey, it’s only right,  Barcaloungers are for dogs, right?)  I must now purchase an “Ant Moat,” (pictured below) but one shaped like an umbrella. (Description:  As ants head for the hummingbirds’ food, they become trapped in the moat and never make it to the nectar in the hummingbird feeder!)  Wait, what is this?? The perches weren’t enough – I have to feed hummingbirds as well?photo-206
Meanwhile Fruit Flies (in YOUR garden, not mine as I have zero fruit) have gradually increased their intelligence so much so, that now we need to trick their pesky little brains into thinking a trap disguised as a mushroom won’t hurt them. When my daughter takes her SAT’s this spring, I am going to ask what some of her Fruit Fly friend’s scores were as a means of comparison.photo-207

There’s also a “Mosquito Manager” which is a blanket treated with a proprietary formula that repels those itchy blood suckers PLUS fleas and ticks as well. Oh!  And a “Runaway Rodent!” (not a sadistic sequel to the children’s book, “Runaway Bunny” I promise!) which plugs into any outdoor outlet and emits a soundwave that gives Rats the idea your yard would be undesirable. Fortunately it speaks nicely to hamsters and gerbils so they won’t be offended. Beware!  Batch 2027cx  is being recalled.  It seems some practical joker engineer (some DO have a sense of humor) wired the contraption so that after shooing the rodents from the yard, it invites them into the kitchen for a spot of tea.

But as you may have noticed,  I’m not going to show you those silly products in photos because I am far too eager to show you the one product that will render all these other gizmos and gadgets completely useless, allowing you to gather them all up for your next garage sale.  Ready?photo-208I’ve made it a thumb-sized photo so I don’t disturb my Dear Readers with it’s girth, but as you can plainly see, it’s none other than “A Sasquach” lovingly crafted as a life-size garden sculpture!!  Guaranteed to scare any and all the wildlife (mentioned above) away forever.

Will even control the wild neighborhood children population; plus their parents will thank you for brand new, creative nightmares.  “Monsters under your bed was getting really trite, Susie.  But Big Foot in Stephanie’s (our menopausal neighbor’s) garden?  Now that’s something for me to blog about!”

I can’t end here on a scary, negative note, so let me introduce two adorable things that will also solve some yard issues for you.

“A Frilly Green Sleeve” for days when your hose feels like a Plane Jane photo-209(Far Right)

photo-210And “A Garden Notepad” (pictured at left) because this is the first place my children look when they come home from school for instructions from me.  Sometimes I tell them to grab a quick n’ easy snack of roses or dandelions; other times I ask them to please do their homework on the fallen plank of our fence.

Once in a blue moon, I will scribble a note for my lover to head around back to see how provocatively my hosed is dressed today.

But ultimately, you’re gonna have to swallow your pride and order this last item in the catalogue, because it only makes sense.  Wait for it – – photo-211“A Fake Ivy Fence!” With all the comings and goings, repellings and lurings, love notes and seductive hoses – –  any conscientious, good neighbor will want to conceal their Nature Scenic Soap Opera from other homeowners.  After all, getting a warning in the mail about improper recycling is nothing compared to being reported for “Lunatic Landscaping.”

So fess up (please?) in the comments section and tell me what the most inane gimmick was that you succumbed to.  Did you immediately regret it?

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47 thoughts on “Real Solutions? First We Need the Real Problems!

  1. Very useful gardening advice, right on time for Spring. I think I’ll get the Big Foot to scare away bunnies, birds and gophers from my strawberry beds. But, knowing how comfy and fearless these pesky cuties can become, it wouldn’t surprise me if a nest was built on its head. The gophers would probably think BF was a high end “greenie” for cleaning their teeth, too. LOL

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    • Whoops! I reblogged the wrong post. Not that this isn’t funny, it’s just that I haven’t finished reading it yet. And it’s not a mash-up.

      In my defense, my infant was demanding that I come over and feed it. Funny how insistent those things are about regular nourishment . . .

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      • Of all the nerve! Your infant, not you! 😉 I cannot believe with very young children like you have, that you would take the time to read so many of the blogs my notifications is specifying you have. I am beyond honored and flattered. I hope you got the few comments I put on your masterpieces, but truthfully my menagerie is (or would that be “are” since there are multiple members in said menagerie?) bouncing off the walls with the rain that we are finally getting here in San Diego, CA! They want me to keep them entertained. (Mine are almost as nervy as yours, but thankfully mine understand that we fast (for creative, not religious reasons) every weekend, so there’s no sign of food in this house.) 😉 Looking forward to some free time at your blog once again.
        Stephanie

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        • Well, several things have contributed to my ability to peruse your very entertaining and highly enjoyable blog: it’s the weekend, so husband’s doing the lion’s share of childrening, 2/3 had a dental appointment this morning, and 2/3 (not the same 2/3, mind you) still take a 2-hour nap most days. Thus I have been whiling, puttering, investigating, and poking about. And of course laughing!

          I did get your very kind comments, so thank you! My lil’ ones are also a bit cabin-feverish as it is still Wintery here in usually temperate VA. I’m starting to eye Dora with homicidal tendencies.

          🙂

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  2. I’m so glad to be reading your blog on my little laptop screen. A tablet screen would have been ever better. I didn’t see each photo until after I read each description, so I got to laugh at my visualization, and again at the actual photo. I like your Hum-dingers.

    The little glass bird delivers how many gallons of water per hour for my garden? At least it’s clean bird splat.

    Block an ugly view with…an ugly view?

    Can I send you a crate of the junk mail I collected since the Christmas (excuse me, holiday) catalogs started coming? I am saving them for when I have a spare hour or two or ten to call the companies to tell them to STOP SENDING them. I can look at their websites when I want to, and see a lot more than what they print.

    Alas, my mail is probably no Solution, so I might have to submit to my daughter’s insistence that I need a smart phone. I told her I don’t need intelligence tests any more (a mother’s wisdom isn’t measurable), but I do want that paperkarma app.

    My latest inane gimmick succumbance was opening a checking account at Key Bank a week ago. I’m supposed to get $250 for giving them the privilege of hosting my money, but they are making me work hard for it. After 3 calls, I am charged per phone call with a real live person. I had to call more than a half dozen times to unlock my account, and interpret the strange emails they send to me. I only get the money if my auto-deposit hits the account within 60 days, but it will take 65 days. That was another phone call with a live person. The $250 is taxable income! This checking account offer came with a credit card offer that promised thousands of bonus points for this, that and the other thing, but each point is worth a fraction of a penny. The 500 point birthday bonus is worth a buck. Wow. Aren’t they generous. Hmmmm Let’s see. Is that more than my kids spent on my last birthday? I’ll have to get a calculator to add it up.

    I’m glad you specified that the wildlife that the Sasquatch would ban was above the photo, not us below it.

    I highly recommend the frilly greensleeves for your garden hose. I’m sure yours will look as good in 10 years as it does today.

    Love ya!

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  3. Signing up for gardening made easy – you get the folder FREE and new cards with BEAUTIFUL color pics and simple easy to read instructions for everything from flowers, herbs and shrubbery to lawn care.

    It’s a beautiful collection that takes a year to fully receive (those cards come each month – for a fee) and it has sat neatly on the coffee table looking lovely and useful completely untouched for over a year.

    I think I did look at it once as I wanted to see if there was a suggestion to get rid of some bugs that had decided they liked my Hibiscus but I can’t be sure – chance are I looked it up on the net instead. But it’s REALLY pretty with lots of lovely glossy pics and it makes me look so much handier than I really am. I very nearly fell for the same thing but with DIY and Craft – fortunately my husband headed me off at the pass with the simple question of did I like doing craft.

    The answer of course is NO but it was such a lovely collection and people would have thought that maybe those embroidered cushions that I got on sale at the reject shop were an example of my work and craftiness if the book was left casually lying about on coffee tables etc.

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  4. Not gonna lie but on first look at the Sasquatch, I thought it was a Wookiee. Imagine a Wookiee with a light saber and guns protecting his Han Solo (You) from intruders, birds, rodents and pest! Truly “Guaranteed to scare any and all the wildlife away forever”…
    I can already imagine you going “Guys and their Star Wars… Ugh! Enough already!” LOL 😛

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  5. Just shows that some stuff you just can’t make up. If bigfoot were small enough, I might order him for my parents. He could stand next to the ceramic frug and turtle that decorate their backyard. Thanks for the fun read!

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  6. What great fun, now I have hummingbird acrobatics in the back yard and thinking of selling tickets. I went out and bought all those things and I am puzzled to know where I can get a few hobbits to manage all this stuff. Now I was not sure where to put the Big Foot so it’s next to the garage for now. Great pun on the hose. I’m sure it’s nice and wet. Thanks again for lots of laughs.

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  7. I wonder if your ex-husband will agree to purchase you some of these excellent looking products in lieu of child support payments. You should ask him.

    That way, the tomatoes you promised me will turn out extra tasty.

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  8. Uproariously funny!! Especially the engineer programming the Runaway Rodent to invite them in for tea instead. I like your tone. Very reader friendly.

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  9. Why didn’t you tell me that you have a daughter who’s above the age of consent? 😉

    (Seriously, though, I have another follower who recently wrote a post on why older women are better to date. I wouldn’t touch an 18 year old.)

    Nevertheless, can I have some tomatoes once these useful-looking products improve your crop?

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    • Hi you! So you look “the same” to me today? Same Message in a Fold name and everything. (love that name!) But it would be fun to try to see if I could pick out your “commenting voice” under an anonymous “alter ego!” Thank you for the compliment and for taking the time to comment….a rare thing these days.
      Stephanie

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      • I thought since I was in my other blog that would be the one to show up – Foolishness and Mayhem at message8 – on WordPress. Like in real life….I can’t hide 😀

        Anyway, I do wish to thank you for your quirky blog that leaves me in stitches….and putting on some Depends before I have a look at the new posting 😀

        Leslie

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