I am every husband’s dream. I don’t go to salons. I don’t get pedicures, facials, hand massages, or highlights. The latter term, at least I know has to do with hair. But I thought Lowlights were desk lamps with dim bulbs.
However, for my upcoming 50th birthday, I recently ventured out to get my hair cut. It wasn’t just “Snip, Snip, Snap, that’ll be $19 please.” It was An Event. That’s because I went to a salon (called “Pellegrino’s” with the little fancy French upside-down accent mark shaped like a hat over the “o”) which I could never afford to patronize, if I hadn’t won a gift-card in a raffle drawing.
Even though I had already Killed My Mean Girl (read here if you don’t know!) and gained new confidence, I was still feeling terribly nervous on the day of my appointment, so I dressed in my most trendy attire. I even washed/styled my hair and painted my nails with my 11 year old’s polish. A frumpy, over-the-hill housewife would be laughed out the door, so that meant I couldn’t show up as myself. Believe me when I tell you I went to the salon looking as if I just came from the salon!
(But I also always clean my house before the house-cleaner comes!)
A well-coiffed man with a nametag that read, “Culligan Perrier” opened the door for me. “Right this way, Miss.” Holy cow, was this a Maitre de or the Water Boy?? “I’d like you to make the acquaintance of Mr. Pellegrino,” he announced.
There was an awkward pause and I felt the need to say it, so I did. “You mean Thee Pellegrino?” I drawled, “As in Pellegrino’s hair salon with that cute little accent mark over the ‘o’ ?!!” I pointed excitedly to their sign.
A hushed silence followed, as heads nodded solemnly. He must’ve stopped by the salon on the way to his own wedding, so grooms-like was his tuxedo. I resisted the urge to ask where he was headed on his honeymoon and let him take me by my arm instead.
“Let me start by showing you our Manicurial Engineering Department in the front. And here we have the Colorist Technicians (oh pleeeease, they just dye hair!) and on your right, you’ll notice our own Custom line of quality hair products. Make-up artists have their own studio back here. Artists, Engineers and Technicians stay separate. They never fraternize. On your left are the skin care analytic machines. Ladies and Gentlemen facilities in the rear and our linens get laundered over there.”
What the hell? Was I receiving a haircut or a new employee guided tour?
“Any questions?” Mr. Pellegrino asked.
“Just one. Should I begin with sweeping the floors or answering the phones?” I watched his lips purse into a straight “you are so very humorless” line. Some people are just so touchy.
“Let me take you over to Brita who will be handling all your hair needs today.” Hmmm, Brita was my water filter system back home. My hair didn’t need handling, it needed cutting.
Brita: (hair stare) Hello. I didn’t realize it was so terribly windy out there today. How dreadful.
Me: Huh? Outside? Oh, it’s as calm as my ten year old when I double dose him with Benadryl.
Brita: (harder hair stare) Like I said. . . How dreadful.
Brita then placed me in a waiting chair while she finished blowing her client, (I swear she said this exact wording to me) but first she brought me some water. Someone must have chopped salad fixings near the water pitcher, because my glass had several cucumbers in it. She handed me a People Magazine.
This is what I saw. I swear. Again.
Then a girl who looked like she jumped off a modeling runway came around and offered me a facial while I waited. Certainly a salon of this caliber didn’t use kitty litter. I looked around but didn’t see any eager Siamese cats (or Bengal Tigers!) waiting to pounce on my face to scratch wrinkles off. Still, I wisely declined. She talked me into a massage instead. As she kneaded, pushed and pulled my skin into a different shape, I realized it’d been forever since I baked bread.
Back in the waiting chair, People Magazine was shoved in my hands again. I saw this subject title. 
It dawned on me that all this time I thought celebrity women wanted for nothing. Certainly not for lavish meals at big events. Imagine my surprise when I read these quotes and realized the abuse going on here.
These poor dear women are being deprived of food. And in this next case, deprived of oxygen too.
Or perhaps Busy Phillips was too darn Busy to breathe. In any case, I made a mental note to start a charity and call it, “Let’s get our celebrity female role models FED!”
Since it was such a long wait, I figured I would quickly pop into the ladies room and make sure my hair didn’t look like it was in too much need of “handling.” Wow, what a shiny bathroom! However I didn’t realize the sinks were motion activated, but I was able to rescue my purse when it was only half-way submerged. I glanced at the soggy tampons and drenched makeup brush – – Oh well, this was a “water” themed salon so my purse would fit right in. Besides, what else would a “fish out of water” carry on her arm?
At long last, the young, flawless Brita came over and purred, “I’m ready for you now.” Then she stared at my purse so I said, “Oh! Am I the first one you’ve seen with the new wet patent leather look?”
I walked over to her station with a graceful flourish, noting with satisfaction that I was garnering a lot of attention. No doubt some real “Lock Envy” going on as the other women got a gander at my “strategically windblown, Rat’s Nest, 80’s hairstyle, which looked not quite as classy as the photo below. Almost, but not quite.
All the women in the salon are thinking, “Who does HER hair? And Wow, why is she even here?!”
Brita draped a long, black cloth over my clothes and I could sense she was very sorry to have to obscure my Flashdance glittered, one-shouldered sweatshirt. We exchanged tips on haircare and Brita seemed fascinated that I used a proprietary product from the Dollar Store simply named, “Hair Shampoo.” I think the elegance of its minimalism impressed her. That kinda thing is really so very in these days, you know. I was excited to see her reaction when I told her I was also chic enough to use a little special something called, “Hair Conditioner” before leaving the laundry room sink.
They played lots of modern music while Brita “handled” my hair. I didn’t recognize any of the songs, but as soon as “Staying Alive” from Saturday Night Fever came on, the receptionist went to change the station. Probably because she didn’t know how to do the finger pointing hand movement to the disco dance that traditionally accompanied it. So I showed her.
Next, I happened to overhear the woman sitting in the chair next to me, (whispering to her own stylist named Evian?) if this was still an exclusive salon?
I must say that the entire employee staff was extraordinarily considerate about my busy schedule. (See “Busy Stephanie” is just as frazzled as Busy Phillips above!) When I first made my appointment, I mentioned to the receptionist that I needed to pick up my son from school directly afterwards. During my haircut, no less than six people approached me with a reminder, “Shouldn’t you be going now?” So thoughtful.
On my way out, they handed me a referral card for my next haircut. But it was all written in French. I waved, smiling shyly to my new dance partner friend and her assistant (maybe named Sparkletts and Aquafina?) behind the counter, who suddenly both also only spoke French. Strange. “Au revoir! Au revoir!” they happily repeated.
I drove home singing “Frère Jacques,” but quickly realized I had left my Swatch Watch and Leg-Warmers back in the salon when I had my massage. I called them up from my cell phone, but upon hearing my name, the gentleman told me in perfect English that Pellegrino’s had moved and left no forwarding address. Well, that’s okay. Brita would be thrilled to keep those items since I had forgotten to tip her.
Oh yeah – – so here’s the new hairstyle with some heart-shaped Designer sunglasses the Dollar Store just got in! But do you think I’ll be able to incorporate a Jane Fonda type headband into this new look next time I wanna impress a group of women?
NOTE: Only two more days left to win one of two prizes by entering the VERY easy contest inside this post! Click here. Deadline Friday!
Once Upon Your Prime 
Swatch Watch and leg-warmers!!! Hahahaha! I so wish we could spend the day together! My stomach would hurt from you making me laugh all day!
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I am still holding my special spare bedroom for my favorite Freshly Pressed Houseguest?? And thank you!
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“Special” spare bedroom – I can tell you have 6 kids! 😉
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laughing…laughing…
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My oldest daughter is an engineer. My youngest is a fashion store manager. They drive each other crazy with their opposite taste in clothing, accessories, cosmetics, and what-have-you. I’ll have to suggest that my oldest consider Manicurial Engineering. That might help them bond.
I got my hair cut (which one?) yesterday, and found absolutely nothing funny about it, except remembering this post (your water theme is outrageously funny!). Afterward, as I was telling my husband about the hair stylist, he wondered what one was. Must be I had never mentioned one in our 15 years of marriage.
I was especially humorless when the hair stylist turned me around to see the back of my head when she was done. The lighting was really weird. My hair looked striped and faded. I kept asking her to turn me and adjust the lighting so I could see my brown hair, and then I really was humorless when she referred to my hair as “salt and pepper”.
“Only her hairdresser knows for sure” I guess my hair is salad now, with salt and pepper dressing. Just add the cukes from your water glass and we’ll feed those celebrities.
(Thank you for bringing out the humor in me)
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Everybody click Like on this comment right away! I want to see how many likes we can get for Grace on just one of her comments (of course, this isn’t fair now — all my followers have already read this posting days ago. You are so funny, Grace. Why keep all of this confined to your comments? I want to see a post on your blog. Do one on what kind of genes must’ve been passed down to produce both an engineer AND a fashion store manager. Can’t imagine how well-rounded and completely balanced you are as a couple!
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Weeeelllll, the source of my kids’ genes split at the seam a while back. Husband #1 and husband #2 are quite stable men and VERY different from each other. I bounced around between being an income tax preparer for non-resident (legal) alien students, costume designer, and manager for various kinds of businesses.
Maybe my experience as a career counselor helped me bring out the soul in each of my kids…or maybe my valuing their souls helped me to be successful as a career counselor.
Stephanie, thank you for making me laugh so much, and making me feel so welcome here. I have great fun playing off of you. I wouldn’t know how to start being funny on my own blog; it is so different than yours.
An engineer and a fashion store manager. Yeah. They are a pretty funny pair, now that you mention it.
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Hahahaha I try to go to places with $$ in their Yelp review because I’m scared the ones with $ will layer my curly hair wrong, and the $$$+ ones… Well, you pretty much captured it. I don’t think I could handle a salon with a guided tour of its greatness before a condescending “handling” of my hair and habits. Your hair does look fabulous, though!
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Thank you – – for reading/commenting and that sweet compliment of my,,, ahem, hair, although give me a week and I’ll be back to my old styling tricks that date it circle 1989 once again. I know what you mean about these yelp ratings. Middle of the road always seems best to me too!
take care,
Stephanie
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Superbly hilarious.
I wish you would have stood up and performed some John Travolta moves! HAaa.
—-utterly NOT FRENCH!
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Thanks…. Yeah. I kinda, sorta did. But it was probably unrecogizable as such! Thanks so much for reading/commenting!
Stephanie
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Laughed so hard I snorted. Just love your writing! Since I’m a Supercuts (or Wondercuts) kind of girl, I’ve never wandered into a high-end posh salon, but am thinking that’s where the mean girls (and boys) go for employment when they are reincarnated. Thanks for the laughs- Ashleigh
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You said it! And believe me when I say the next time I’m going back is when I win another raffle. Maybe not even then! Thanks so much for dropping in.
Stephanie
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I totally believe you. I always wear a trendy hat when I get my hair cut, and then apologize profusely for the mess under it. I make up some excuse about a busy day, but the truth is, it almost always looks like that. I wonder if they know I’m lying, or if they care. 🙂
The important question though: did you enjoy it? Was the shampoo chair comfortable or did it hurt your neck?
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Oh, phht. The whole post didn’t show in my reader. The experience was even better than I expected, but I still want to know about the shampoo chair.
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How do Readers work? Can’t you click to see the original post on my actual blog site? Thanks for trying!
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Yes, I can, but the scrolling wasn’t working (my iPad, I’m sure) so I didn’t see the whole thing at first. When I commented I saw that some people had mentioned photos, so then I clicked all the way through.
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I never answered your funny questions here! I think the trendy hat thing is VERY original and I bet they don’t know you’re white-lying. Shampoo chair was very uncomfortable! I feel very vulnerable being tipped backwards – – I think I was a Roly-Poly bug in another life? Plus with my hair plastered wet to the back of my head, I always feel like now they’re better able to scrutinize my complexion too. And what must they think??
Always enjoy your comments!
Stephanie
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Hysterical! Loved it! Did you really cut or just blow straight?
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She took about six inches off. That’s what she said and that’s what it looked like. Unless they keep a bag of “other hair” to scatter on the floor when they’re done?? Thanks for commenting.
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My face is dripping with laughter! You are so clever! I loved this. Thanks for making my day. I hate these places because they are constantly trying to sell you their products!
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What a wonderful comment to see just now. I don’t now how I missed it! Than you so very much. They started to try and sell me products but I reminded them that the ONLY reason I was here was I had won a gift card as a prize. And I spent all my money on the raffle itself, (a good cause) so nothing left to buy designer junk! That seemed to silence them. 😉
Thank you so much for reading/and taking the time to remark.
take care,
Stephanie
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Hilarious! I LOVE the before and after pics! You basically reaffirmed why I never, ever go to a salon or beauty spa or some such where they will try to wrap me like sushi and give me a bird poo facial. Did I mention I love the after pic? ‘Cause you are rockin’ that look. Super cute!
Thanks for the belly laughs. 🙂
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Also, trying to post next to a wriggling toddler is like trying to stand atop a balance beam perched precariously on the edge of a Jello cliff. I just give up.
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Jello cliff! Can you draw? That’s a cartoon if I ever heard one. Brilliant!
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Oh my I would have paid to be there. Now a regular hairdresser is just fine but when they start calling themselves ‘hair stylists’ then it’s a whole different ball game. Horrible people whose role in life is to reduce us mere mortals into quivering piles of abject insecurity and then rebuild us as they deem fit. Since my hair is so very thick and curly I have given up on the whole hairdresser thing.
They never listen always wanting to layer or thin out and I tell them NO it’s the weight that keeps it from springing up around my head like a brightly coloured demented sheep. Too many times they’ve ignored me and just done it thinking with all that hair who’d notice – hmpf… looking like an aging Shirley Temple does not do wonders for the self esteem.
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Kudos to you for having the courage to visit one of THOSE salons. I’d be too intimidated, but you survived and with your sense of humor intact! ((clap clap)) The new ‘do looks lovely. And the new shades are nifty. But I have to ask… (because you seem to wear sunglasses in all of your photos)… do you actually have eyes? 😮
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Ha!! I cracked up at your sunglasses question here. I even incorporated it in my next posting about planning my own “bawling” (bowling) birthday party. It’s now a reference in the snooty girlfriend’s text. You’re great! Thank you.
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So glad you found my comment funny (and not offensive)! And while I’m honored to be referenced in your birthday party post, I hope I’m not like Snooty Girlfriend!!! :O Wishing you a very Happy Birthday, funny lady. I’m glad our paths have crossed. 🙂
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Funny, and I always clean my house before the house-cleaner comes too! Her name is Crystal Geyser! 😉
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Good one! Thanks for commenting.
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I’m sure that Rizzo would have appreciated some credit for stealing her line!
Also luckily you noticed your purse had activated the sink sensor before your mascara was floating away like last time.
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Only my son would make sure everyone knows the purse filling with water incident is based on reality.
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Nice do, with or without a headband 🙂
I’m about seven months into growing out a pixie, so my hair looks like it was attacked by a pack of rabid wolves. Nnngh… I’m sure even a sheep shearing station wouldn’t admit me, let alone a fancy frou-frou hair salon with a water fetish.
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Thank you for the sweet compliment. Hysterical over the rabid wolves thing and sheep shearing station!! LOL – – “salon with a water fetish.” Love that. Actually it was only my hairstylist who was named Brita that was factual. I changed the rest of the names, including Salon name. I figured I should for legal reasons and as long as I was switching, I went with the water thing to match “Brita.” lol. Probably most people don’t even know what Brita is? Here, it’s a pitcher that filters.
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Hahahahaha My Dear M, thank you for reminding me that I need to change my water filters :)!!!!
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Hilarious!
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you are 😉
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^I have no clue how I managed to post that sad little “ha” comment above but it shall just awkwardly hang there until the end of time.
Meanwhile: I’m glad I’m not the only one who pays $19 for a haircut! Gah, I don’t even know if I pay THAT much. It’s been like 9 months.
And! I’m getting a massage at a fancy spa on Saturday and you basically just described how I feel about going. I feel like I need to go to A DIFFERENT spa beforehand and get waxed and coated with essential oils just so I can be worthy of going to the fancy one.
Good lord.
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Ha
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Touche 😉
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You just reminded me that I wanted to tell you I am going to be at the conference too for Blogher. I have relatives in San Jose so it made sense….plus San Diego is not that far.
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Nice! That is so exciting, huzzah!
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ps. I have zero idea why “Touche” would remind me of that.
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Just had to tease you with that little word. Oh Aussa, I just knew there must be some commonality we shared – – since I adore your blog far too intensely. Now I know….it’s the “Pre-Spa/Salon Readiness Routine Before the Real Thing” syndrome.
Always happy to see your gorgeous face show up here.
Stephanie
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Ha
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I love the do. Me, I always take care to dress chic when I go to the salon because if I showed up normal they’d give me a frumpy cut when I don’t want a frumpy cut.
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ha! Having a difficult time imagining you looking frumpy. But that’s funny – – I never really thought of it that way. They do look at us, make a snap judgment and then snip away, don’t they!!!??? Glad to see your cute gravitar around here today!
take care,
Stephanie
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I so relate to your sense of humor. I was on the floor with the Saturday Night Fever disco lesson you gave. Ha ha! And I got a kick out of the women named after Water bottles. Can’t wait for more!
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Thank you! But next time you have to log in on your own computer. I just responded to other comments under your name. lol. People will think I am a multiple personality. Which isn’t too off? Thanks again!
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I would pay money to see that :)!
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Another funny one. Love your new look.
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Thanks Miss Morningstar. I have a sneaking feeling that if I blowdry it “my own way” it’s gonna go back to big and crazy again…..we’ll see if I can tolerate neat and current for very long.
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Reblogged this on DrShapero's Blog.
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Thank you so very much. Always appreciated.
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Ha, haaaa! I had a gift card once too. It included a make-up do over…ugh,looked like I was wearing a peel-off mask. I also love your idea for a charity…you could call it FOCaM…Feed Our Celebrities and Models. As usual…a wonderful post! LOL
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yes, Blogmate roomie – – we must think of a good acronym that spells something funny for that “charity”, mustn’t we? Thank you for stopping in today during your busy time, I’m sure.
Stephanie
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you have awesome cheekbones! I tried to photoshop a headband in for you, but don’t have the skills to do so. Very funny post. From one non-salon type to another, Boogie on, baby!
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okay, let’s try this again not under my neighbor’s log in!! Maggie, you’re comments and posts bring me pure joy. Now I really must see what a headband would look like!
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Love this!
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okay, I’m thanking you again for stopping by! First thank you post was under wrong name since my neighbor was here and used my computer to log into her own WordPress account. Please visit again.
take care,
Stephanie
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I was hoping for something more inspired by Sinead O’Connor, but that looks good too.
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ha, you are soooooo bad Bumblepuppies! I guess I somehow skipped the Sinead O’Connor shaved look in the 80’s because I was still far too busy replicating the Farrah Fawcett 70’s look. Perhaps I will catch up to the Jennifer Aniston style next decade.
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