“AGE IS JUST A NUMBER!” People like to quote that old bumper sticker adage when they’re in a relationship with one person who is significantly younger or older than they are. (yet they want things to work) Well, I cannot begin to tell you how much I wish that romantic topic is what I’ll be writing about today.
But alas, I turn 50 on Wednesday, so instead this is going to be about getting older, so I can submit it to the WordPress Prompt before I get too old to comprehend the entry rules. Maybe it’s a contest or Publisher’s Clearinghouse sweepstakes I can win….Ed McMahon lurking?
Therefore the numbers I am going to focus on are all the numbers that younger people who like to say, “Age is Just a Number” don’t EVER have to worry about. Are you ready to examine them? Let’s go!
115/65 – – This is my blood-pressure. That is, when I am not contemplating how much I’d like to teach a good, “strong” lesson to all the young troublemakers who chirp, “Age is just a number.”
210 – – This is my total cholesterol and I defy you to find two articles that agree this is a bad number without giving you some ratio formula that sends you back to 8th grade math class. And then where would you be? Passing, “Do you like me?” notes to cute Jeff W? Or maybe to cute Susan M? Because after all, “Gender is just a word.”
1,310 – – This is the number of Calories that “they” claim I can take in and still maintain my current weight, (a number by the way, that shall remain nameless numberless?) Yeah, sure! This is also the exact number of sit-ups & push-ups I’ll need to do, plus the # of times I must run around my block if I eat anywhere NEAR that number of calories!
148 – – The number of my friends over forty who can relate to what I’m talking about here. At least I’m not alone. And yes, misery DOES love company. Misery particularly loves when the company you keep makes you look far better in comparison. (Hey, everything is relative!) You know, like surrounding yourself with older, uglier and duller – – so that suddenly you start to look pretty darn good?! Keeping this theory in mind – – if you’re ever looking for me from this point on, you’ll find me happily posing on the sofa pictured below.
5 – – Average number of times in a week I lose my keys. We’re coming off a high-achieving week right now because it’s actually been 8 times. But I finally got smart and made copies so I have two more sets left until I’m really desperate. They called me from Target on Friday and urgently declared, “Miss Menopause?? We just found your car keys in our shopping cart!” I magnanimously said, “That’s okay. Give them to someone more needy than I.” Then I leisurely strolled to retrieve my 9th set from my jewelry box.
16 – – Number of times I look at my hair in a mirror per day and say, “Gray is the new Brunette.”
.2 – – This is the amount of Testosterone that courses thru my veins. 1. Google the amount in the average woman. 2. Google what kind of things Testosterone influences in your body. 3. Agree with me that I will never get remarried if I cannot raise this number.
4 – – Number of hours I sleep in a night. This is on a good night. This is because of a) 26 hot-flashes b) 22 thoughts of, “I better not forget to do such ‘n such tomorrow. c) 6 night sweats (don’t tell me this is the same thing as a hot-flash. It’s not!) d) 3 reoccurring, terrifying nightmares that I got remarried on that couch pictured above. Or remarried at all. d) 16 funny noises (not “ha-ha” like a whoopie cushion) that I think I hear at 1:45 am, which subsequently require my walking thru the entire house with a baseball bat. e) 2 realizations that I should probably make my sports-enthusiast son a baseball themed birthday party. f) 80 – the number of google searches at 4 am it takes me to find a local bakery that will make the perfect baseball diamond-shaped cake.
14 and 1/2 – – The number of times someone tells me in a day that I am “a little bit” obsessive/compulsive. The 1/2 is from someone else who also has OCD and keeps changing their mind.
2650 – – Number of piano lessons I was “encouraged” to have between the ages of 8-16 years old because my mother told me I would be popular at parties. “After all, everyone loves a good sing-along,” she cajoled.
0 (zero) – – Number of times I have been dragged to a piano and requested to play Moonlight Sonata or a Polka by ANYONE at all during some wild musical bash in someone’s home.
4 – – Number of times my mother reads my blog in a week so I can say, “See? I told you so.”
22 – – The average number of pills YOU Dear Reader will need to take every single day (to keep all the above numbers in control!) as you age. Note: I however, will NOT be ingesting any of this junk because I’ve officially changed my mind about this whole entire thing. I don’t need to win any writing contest about aging. I withdraw my entry! Forget it! (What writing contest? See it’s already forgotten!) I’m doing just fine as a young spring chicken, thank you very much.
What “number” bothers you the most about aging? Can you make light of it? Leave me a comment below!
Pingback: Age is | It's Mayur Remember?
Pingback: It's Mayur Remember?
Original take on the prompt. Enjoyed it, but …only lose your keys five times a week? Gosh, you’re doing well. Or , maybe you lost memory of the count 😉
LikeLike
Yes, Wendy….it’s definitely the latter. Thank you so much for dropping in and giving me some feedback!
take care,
Stephanie
LikeLike
Grey is the new brunette! I love it! I can relate to that in fact even if I have to use my beard rather than the hair that is deserting me. A while back my little sister, and I mean little, she’s nine, noticed a few grey hairs in my beard. “You’re going to have to pluck those out.”
“The hell I am!,” I said. “Those are my grey hairs! I earned them!”
Even at nine, she understood and just grinned her brilliant, toothy grin.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nine-years old and already understanding the ways of the world. Thanks so much for dropping by!
LikeLike
L ~ O ~ L ! A belated happy birthday. Can’t wait to review your numbers when you turn 60.
LikeLike
Pingback: The Elders of Us | Wired With Words
Happy birthday! I’m still too young to think about numbers *wink wink* Age is just a number!
3 – the number of times you just rolled your eyes! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
That was the cutest response! You gorgeous young thing, you! Thank you for the birthday wishes. As I’ve been telling others, 50 ain’t so bad and therefore, I will probably continue. 😉
Stephanie
LikeLike
Pingback: Weekly Writing Challenge – Golden Years | Joe's Musings
Pingback: Centenary Sparkle | litadoolan
Pingback: Positive(ly) thought(less) | soulfoood
Happy birthday! 3…number of times a day I look for my reading glasses while they are perched on my nose- looking for the glasses so I can find my keys;)
LikeLike
Ha! No truer words! Perfect. And you’re sure? Only 3?? 😉
LikeLike
Pingback: The 18th of August 1941 – Germantown, Maryland | Forgotten Correspondence
Reblogged this on DrShapero's Blog and commented:
Have you ever heard the saying “It’s a numbers game?” Take a moment and add some humor to your day. Enjoy this humorous article I sure did.
LikeLike
Pingback: DP Challenge – The Path | siobhanmcnamara
Okay…
Now that the date is finally here, let me be the first to wish you a HAPPY 60TH BIRTHDAY!!!!! You don’t look a day over 45.
Have a relaxing day. Stress will only give you gray hair.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Finally, someone in the same timezone as me! Thank you, Bumblepuppies for warping me ahead a decade. That’s the right way to approach it. Then 50 sounds damn good! Besides – – 30… 45….50…60, I think I heard once that age is just a number. Or just a word. But that’s stupid. Age is a behavior. And I don’t plan to behave.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Actually, I’m not anywhere near the same timezone. I was just having trouble sleeping.
And if you don’t plan to behave, why should we believe you’re telling the truth about your age? 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exactly!
LikeLike
The number that bothers me the most about aging is 67!
LikeLike
A friend of mine always says, “Just think, if this was the time of the plague, we’d probably be dead.” So, with that in mind, I just want to wish you a happy, Happy, HAPPY Birthday and many, MANY more, all brimming with health, love, and prosperity!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh and I forgot- it’s another wonderful post – definitely prize worthy- fingers crossed.
LikeLike
lol….thanks. WordPress prizes – – a glass of freshly pressed orange juice!
LikeLike
Truly lovely sentiments, roomie!
LikeLike
Happy birthday!! I hear it only gets better… thanks for making me smile with all your numbers and what they mean.
LikeLike
Thanks for popping in with your brand of cheer, Diahann. I hope your personal grapevine is accurate!
LikeLike
You want numbers? You got the funniest ones covered. Great idea for the keys…
Your next adventure: a colonoscopy! Everyone is supposed to have one when they turn 50. I found out a few years too late. Everyone I talked to was AGHAST that I hadn’t had one. Afterward, I found out that in my county, less than 1% of the people over 50 ever have one. Hmmmmm. How necessary is that humiliation really?
Enjoy the end of your last day of being in your 40s, less than a half of a century. Get ready to start looking for Senior Citizen discounts! Those are good numbers.
Well, I guess this might be my last communication with Little Miss Menopause, since as of tomorrow, you will need to change your name to Little Old Menopause. I’ll see you on the other side of the half century 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Now wait just a second!! lol. Tomorrow I gotta graduate from Little Miss to Little Old? I can’t even stop over for a bit at “Little Ms. Menopause?” Sheesh…..Old Age SlaveDriver!! And then with the colonoscopy, yet. You really know how to scare a girl (where’s the strikeover in comment mode??) err, I mean crone. 😉
LikeLike
Happy Birthday! Welcome to the Young Crone Club 🙂
LikeLike
Pingback: Weekly writing challenge, the Golden years : It’s all Gold, a 95 word story | Challenged for Words
I’m glad you’re approaching 50 (really the new 30, remember?) with a sense of humor.
“Gray is the new Brunette.”
Laughed really hard and loud at that one. I wouldn’t know if I have any gray creeping in because I religiously dye my hair so that I’ll never have to know. And if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist!
Number that bothers me about aging? Let’s see, the number of wrinkles around my eyes that have appeared since I had my toddler. The number of times I go up the stairs to “get something” then find myself wandering aimlessly in one of the bedrooms, touching things, poking things, then suddenly remembering I was ‘supposed to get something’ but for the life of me can’t remember what, so I go back downstairs only to think of what I needed as I hit the bottom stair. And as soon as I’m back up I wander into another, completely different bedroom, touching things, poking things . . .
What was I saying . . .
Fantastic post! Hilarious as always!!
🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Another case where someone’s comment is funnier than my original post. What are you poking upstairs, Jessica?? I keep picturing the Pillsbury DoughBoy held hostage in your guest room.
LikeLiked by 1 person
“I keep picturing the Pillsbury DoughBoy held hostage in your guest room.” Don’t I wish!! Do you know how much I love baked goods?
And my comment was definitely NOT funnier than your post. But thank you for thinking so.
🙂
LikeLike
50….You think that’s something? That’s nothing! 65 is looming….that’s something! However, we are both, and always will be, YTST! Great blog!
LikeLike
Thank you! In this age of texting acronyms, let’s never tell anyone what YTST stands for. I wanna see who can guess.
LikeLike
It’s our secret for now!
LikeLike
Happy Birthday and stop worrying about age. Enjoy the time you have now with friends and family.
But since you brought up math- “50” is a milestone only because we evolved to have 10 fingers at the time someone started a number system. If we had 4 fingers on each hand, our significant “middle-age” milestones might have been 40 or maybe pushed up to 56 (and piano lessons would have been easier). With 6 fingers, the milestones might have been 30 or 60. So what am I saying? Not that you are possibly over the hill already in alternate number systems, but to stop the worry and enjoy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Am I dead in an alternate number system? I won’t worry. Most of this was in jest. 94.3% of it.
LikeLike
Pingback: Maiden, Mother, Crone: all in one | ALIEN AURA'S BlOG: IT'LL BLOW YOUR MIND!
I lost my funny comment when I saw how many calories Bumblepuppies gets to eat.
How about:
3 – number of times I asked myself, “Why am I in the kitchen again?” before I actually made the coffee this morning
6 – the number of times I will pick up the same pairs of big and little shoes and put them away today
almost 7 – the hours of sleep I need, but never get, to be a woman who won’t forget what she’s doing midtask or be pissed about shoes in the middle of the floor
40 – the looming number by which I hope to have figured out what I’m going to be when I grow up
LikeLike
Perfect!!! I forgot those numbers because I go off on birthday cake tangents when I hold a baseball bat. Thank you for completing me! And let’s commiserate over cookies and milk over Bumblepuppies’ caloric quota. That big Bum….blepuppy ! 😉
LikeLike
“After all, everyone loves a good sing-along.”
Absolutely brilliant.
Thank you for this post!
LikeLike
Thank you UW! You always single out lines that I’ve added in an edit, thus reassuring me that they do belong.
LikeLike
Oh! And I loved your use of the word “cajoled”! 🙂
LikeLike
thank you again.
LikeLike
Well and they say math has not point outside of school – weren’t they foolish. My blood pressure is so low that it tends toward the – ‘are you sure you’re not dead’ range which means I will live forever but continue to faint at the drop of a hat therefor increasing the risk of dying by accident so I guess it is some sort of balance.
Considering the flexibility of your mind I figure if you added in the variety of different thoughts and questions that would cross it over a 24 hr period you may send even die hard mathematicians into the fetal position mumbling no more ‘what if questions’ as they are carried away to a secure facility.
So wishing you the best for the b’day and advise to stay away from too many number related thoughts, I don’t think they’re good for you, I could be wrong – hmmm I will gather stats and make a chart.
LikeLiked by 1 person
What can I say about this comment? To quote a number, it’s a total 10!
LikeLike
Are we grading on the bell curve?
LikeLike
I was grading on the Writer (not Winter!) Olympics. It was your graceful turn of the phrase that got you the perfect score.
LikeLike
Tee Hee, you’ve a rather dab hand at that yourself if I may say so.
LikeLike
You mean there’s MATH??? Oy. Happy birthday, my dear. GREAT post. Funny, endearing, and thanks for sharing your stuff.
LikeLike
Thanks Maggie! I mighta stretched or shrunk “my stuff” just a tad. Or would that be a smidgin? I often confuse tads and smidgins. But For effect, of course.
LikeLike
🙂 of course! Literary license to the rescue! By the way, have you heard of smoots as a unit of measure?
LikeLike
No! Really? That sounds like a term of endearment used on the Seinfeld show! “I love you Shmoopy” and then, “Oh but I love you more, Smoots!”
LikeLike
feel free to delete this comment after you check out the link – it’s a post I wrote waaaaaaaaay back in January
http://mcwilson1956.wordpress.com/2014/01/19/smoots/
LikeLike
Seriously? Wow. And why would I ever delete that? Educate, I always say — even if it does sound like nauseating adult baby talk.
LikeLike
More numbers? Lemme see…
2- The number of breasts Little Miss Menopause should have reverse surgery on to make her feel younger.
3- The number of punches I’d receive to my face and/or crotch if I said that to her in person.
2800- The number of calories a man of LMM’s age and weight can eat per day without gaining weight. (Mother Nature favored the gents.)
50%: The portion of a century LMM has now lived.
2%: A number that sounds more soothing to sensitive ears, it’s the percentage of a millennium that LMM has lived.
0: My fear of aging. 🙂
LikeLiked by 3 people
Check that… it’s 5%, not 2 %.
LikeLike
I live for these comments. But as I write this, several sensitive-eared women are organizing a rally in your honor.
LikeLike
Will they be serving alcohol?
LikeLike
Yes. Rum -blepuppies
LikeLike
I’ve seen recipes for Sex on the Beach that include a shot of that.
LikeLike
Hi Stephanie,
Love the bit about losing your keys. We belong to the same club! My other half can’t understand it as his motto is ‘a place for everything and everything in its place,’ and darn it, he has never lost anything. If I should ever attempt one of those famous English mazes and actually get lost, I know who to call for. If on the other hand, I’m forever lost in one, meh… I’m insured, he quips. Yes, I’m worth more dead than alive!
Re: age. I threw out counting long ago as I KNOW my sister keeps tab and every time I need to know, she can rattle it off down to the minutes, seconds and nano-seconds. Who needs a calculator around her!
Can’t wait to read your post on the ‘romantic and controversial subject,’ of relationships. Enjoy your day tomorrow and the big celebration on Saturday.
Perhaps you play the piano at the party. How many ways can you play ‘Happy Birthday?’ 🙂
LikeLike
Loved this comment Wendy!! I always wanted a sister and was upset at my lack of sibling bonding. Now I see I can just purchase a calculator and be happy. Oh, and the bowling/bawling/broiling (it was 85 degrees) birthday party already took place this past Saturday. It was a blast. Thank you!!
LikeLike
You forgot “3” – the number of times I have to get up to pee, because my middle aged bladder is the size of a pea…
LikeLiked by 1 person
And that’s because – 16 – the number of glasses of water “they” also tell us we need to drink to maintain our weight and have clear skin, right? And if you’re anything like me, you forget to drink during the day and so you down 12 of em before bed. For “good measure.” Thanks for reading!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sounds like the new 50 is 49 and three-fourths? 😉
LikeLike
You need to learn to be a bit more precise. All this rounding up to the nearest decade–very disconcerting.
LikeLike
Ha! Really funny stuff. Especially that you have 10 sets of keys. That couch is awful. Thinking of you posing on that couch is even worse.
LikeLike
Thank you. Every woman needs an awful couch to pose on.
LikeLike
how about this one…”You’re only as old as you feel.”
LikeLike
Yep, that’s a good one. Don’t encourage me though, I might spawn a whole new post on that adage!
ps. Hope your father is better?
LikeLike
Ha! Beat you by 2.5 weeks. Dare you to catch up! Nice one!
LikeLike
Hello! Well Happy Birthday to you then!! Are you also a creative Pisces? Or like me, just a fish outa water?! Thanks for reading/commenting, as always.
Stephanie
LikeLike
Pingback: GOLDEN WHAT? | SERENDIPITY
So people over 65 need not respond, right? What was the question again?
LikeLike
You’re not going to admit to being my mother on this one????
LikeLike
Hahahahahaha!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
hopefully that’s a joyous laugh? Thanks for popping in tonight!
LikeLike