Blunt? Bland? Blatant? Blissful? What Blogger Style do you fall in?


Pen and Ink or Calligraphy Blogs like this are coming back in vogue, so you should strengthen your fingers!

In exactly one week I will fly out for the big BlogHer conference.  Always nervous in new situations, I call a phone number for general questions and (supposedly) if I tell them my interests, they’ll make sure I’m seated with like-minded people.  Like-minded people?  I don’t mind people, but I don’t exactly like them either.

Hello!  This is BlogHer and you’re on speakerphone with Blanche and Blaire.  We’re The Bloggsey Twins!

Me:  Hi!  My name is Stephanie.

Blanche:  Oh.

She sounds disappointed.

Blaire:  Never mind her.  Stephanie with an S?   We were expecting another group of bloggers calling from Biloxi.  Blanca, Blythe, Blossom and Blinda.

Me:  You mean Belinda?

Blanche:  No, she dropped the ‘e’ to make it work.

Me:  I see.  Well, it’s really Blephanie.

Blaire:  Bl-awesome!  What can we do for you?

Me:  I was hoping to find out exactly what will happen this weekend and maybe sit with women I share common interests with.

Blanche:  You’re interested in blogging, right?  You’ll be just fine.

Blaire:  C’mon Blanche.  Seat her with the “Need to Knows.”

Me:  The Who?

Blanche:  We try to group by personality types.  The “Need to Knows” are control freaks and like to have an advanced detailed agenda.  And obsessively clean.  They could literally eat off their toilets.

Me:  Oh definitely don’t sit me with them, please.

Blaire:  Well, describe your blog.

Me:  I write humor.

Blanche:  Oh, A Niche Bitch.  Put her with the Niche Bitches.

Me:  Well I don’t confine myself to only humor.

Blaire:  Well, lemme ask you this….Do your readers ever find themselves NOT laughing?

Me:  Mostly all the time.

Blanche: (whispering)  Shove her in the back row.  I just saw her Gravatar photo.  Nobody will ever be able to see anything over that big hair!

Just then I hear another voice, whom they introduce as Blabette.  She offers to send me their “Blow by Blow, Blogger Blorganizer” which outlines their odd assessment of the different Blogging personality classifications.  This is what I see:

CATEGORIES OF BLOGGERS

The Blogcrastinator —  They will find every reason in the book to justify not having anything to do with Blogging.  From housework to headaches.  They’ll even post about why they cannot post.  The really desperate ones resort to citing “Sexual Conflict” as their excuse.  (Note: Because they talk a good Blogging game, they make good Phone Call Receptionists for BlogHer)

The “Don’t Applaud Cuz I’m a Fraud” Blogger – – Don’t believe in themselves and are petrified that others will find out they’re masquerading as Bloggers.  They generally blog about vacuums because they think they suck.  If they get a nice comment, they go all Sally Field.  “You don’t hate me.  You really don’t hate me?”

The Blah Blogger – – Wishy-washy, afraid to make a statement, and begins every sentence with “Perhaps.”

The Bloggert Braggert – – Lists all their many Chain Awards prominently in their Menu and conducts surveys or takes requests on what you would like to see next on their blog.  Their ABOUT page reads like an acceptance speech at The Oscars.  (Note: Don’t seat near the Fraud Bloggers)

The Frogger Blogger – – In an effort to not be boxed in, they jump all over the place with subject matter.  They also leap to conclusions, choose green as their background color, and beg to be kissed.

The Blues Blogger – –  Their keyboard needs Prozac.  Their followers are suicide hotlines.  They categorize and tag their posts, “Armageddon, Cancer, Save Your Soul.” And that’s on an upbeat day.

The Bloated Bladder Blogger – –  Hypochondriac writers.  A scintillating post for them would be “Candid Conversation for Convincing, Cajoling, Coercing, Coaxing a Companion into Colonoscopy!”

The Badger Blogger – – They miss that Persuasive Essay assignment from high school.  From fashion to politics, they are correct and you WILL see it their way.

The Voluminous Vaguely Visual Blogger – –  “A picture births a thousand words.”  They insert media graphics and pray the photos will tell their story for them.

Note:  All other Blogger Types not mentioned above, we’ll just stick on the outdoor lawn with speakers.

Not seeing myself described here, (although Colonoscopy is a frequent request I’m asked to write about!) I call back in a panicky sweat.

After I hear my “Bosom Blogger Buddies” identify themselves once again on speakerphone, I practically hyperventilate . . .

Me:  Hi again, it’s Stephanie with a Bl.  I was just thinking – –  Couldn’t I just sit with you nice ladies?  What category type do you both fall under?

Blanche:  Oh, we’re in a league all our own.  But, unfortunately we’re not able to attend the BlogHer conference.

Me:  Why not?

Blaire:  Blanche here has too much housework and I’ll be having a migraine and a sexual conflict.

Disclaimer:  The above represents absolutely nothing accurate from the real life BlogHer committee, staff, judges, attendees or keynote speakers.  I’m sure they’re a lovely group!

 

 

 

 

 

90 thoughts on “Blunt? Bland? Blatant? Blissful? What Blogger Style do you fall in?”

  6. “Need to Knows” are obsessively clean? Since cleanliness is next to Godliness, Blasphemous Blabette obviously hasn’t been to my house. But seriously, when someone suggested that I get “all my ducks lined up”, that became a terminal disease for me. Before I go anywhere, I scour the internet for hours. I call every customer service number I can find to scrounge up all that I might need to know. Who has time to clean?

    I see that I’m going to have to change my blog color to green. Then I’ll be better equipped to cajole you into that long-overdue colonoscopy. You’ve been over 50 for, like, forever! I’m taking a leap of faith when I conclude that you’re referring to me as one of your froggy friends.

    Applause to you, dear Blogher blogger, and no, your vacuum cleanHer/Him/Them post didn’t suck. In fact, I’m enjoying it more, now that I’ve seen Her. So, I hope you’re enjoying your seat at the Cool Kids Table 🙂

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    • Couldn’t wait to get home from the conference and respond to this! How do you quip so effortlessly? Blasphemous Blabette…lol And such intuitiveness – – always knowing when there’s a subtle reference to you. So did you like the movie, Her? And no, I wasn’t at the Cool Kid’s Table. I was seated in the restroom, hiding out most of the time. When I was rushed in the mornings, I used those automatic hand dryer to style my hair. Miss you, Grace!! Why aren’t you posting?
      hugs,
      Steph

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      • “Effortlessly?” Like an Olympic athlete? [stance like a gymnast after a quadruple flip twist with a 7/8 camel spin]

        Yes, I did enjoy Her.

        Steph, I suppose the sitting was a stall tactic? And the hair drying was an attempt to blow them all away?

        Thanks for missing me at my blog. I’ve been at Google+ lately, overwhelmed by the blog post I am working on. I keep trimming it, and it is still a monster. You have a link to your Google+ on your posts, but I haven’t seen you being active there.

        Hugs

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  7. Have fun. Another blogger I follow, Aussa will be there. Can you say to her for me??? I kid. I have the awards on the side of my page because what else are you meant to do with them? Also, how do you say, “No thank you to people who took the time to nominate you even though I take sooo long to respond? It’s Ok, don’t answer that. Get that hair as high as you can for the conference.

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  10. Blephanie that was most creative. It sounds like such a great conference. May BlogHer never be the same. I suspect the conference may spawn even more blogger categories. I did not see the Holy Blogger category for those religious fanatics weaving a divine message into their blog. Or the Wondering Blogger. When you are done reading you are not quite sure if there was a point to all those words you just read. Oh and Cheers.

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  13. Am I glad that I don’t fall under any of the categories you mentioned! I’ll be accompanying you in the back benches! 😉 If I was ever in the US of A, that is :p

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  19. There seems to be a typo in your post. Your readers ALWAYS find themselves laughing!!! Often out loud and to weird looks from others. The above post is a case in point.
    If Niche Bitches is where the funny girls sit, then I’d DEFINITELY want to sit with them.
    Unfortunately I’d most likely be sat at the back with the Tamiflu group – those bloggers whose posts are anti-viral. (Although I prefer to consider myself to have a ‘selective’ audience – yeah, right. I’d kill for a FP!)
    Can’t wait to hear all about it. Xx

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  23. I don’t know what I am! Maybe a frogger badger blogger? That seems like a lot of animals, though…maybe I should start blogging about zoos? (Unfair treatment in zoos?) 🙂

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  24. Oh my word. Stephanie, this is just what the doctor ordered. You know, Laughter is the Best Medicine MD. I *was* in a funk, but not any longer!

    Big hair started it. I roared at “they make good Phone Call Receptionists for BlogHer”

    Applause applause!

    In case we don’t connect between now and then, you have a wonderful time at the event – on the lawn or wherever you and your hair might find yourself!

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  25. Can’t wait to hear about the conference, but oh, am certainly wondering now which of those categories you mention I fit in….OMG. I think you left me out….the Paranoid Blogger! 🙂

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    • Paranoid Bloggers never identify themselves as such. Instead they call themselves,”Conspiracy Theory Bloggers.” I will report back on BlogHer….any chance you could be lured into going last minute? The Spontaneous A.PROMPTreply strikes again? Would be so fun!

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      • Hah…..”spontaneous?” Surely you jest….I’m still trying to find a moment to get going on that prompt you gave me last week! (In middle of a major relocation here, plus a few other things going on)…but fear not, while you are away, I will desperately try and find a moment to come up with a worthy response to that. You hold down the fort at the BlogHer and I’ll stay here and create conspiracy theories to entertain you with upon your return!

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  26. Oh boy. I’m not sure I fall into any of those categories either. If I were going, I guess I’d have to change my name to Blancy though! Have a great trip and keep on making us laugh – I’m sure the conference will be great blog-fodder.

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      • Ooooo! I like Nanette much better than Nancy. Maybe I’ll change my name. I can become all exotic and sexy, like a fan dancer. Think that pic will look good on my next book jacket? 🙂

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