Blunt? Bland? Blatant? Blissful? What Blogger Style do you fall in?

Pen and Ink or Calligraphy Blogs like this are coming back in vogue, so you should strengthen your fingers!

In exactly one week I will fly out for the big BlogHer conference.  Always nervous in new situations, I call a phone number for general questions and (supposedly) if I tell them my interests, they’ll make sure I’m seated with like-minded people.  Like-minded people?  I don’t mind people, but I don’t exactly like them either.

Hello!  This is BlogHer and you’re on speakerphone with Blanche and Blaire.  We’re The Bloggsey Twins!

Me:  Hi!  My name is Stephanie.

Blanche:  Oh.

She sounds disappointed.

Blaire:  Never mind her.  Stephanie with an S?   We were expecting another group of bloggers calling from Biloxi.  Blanca, Blythe, Blossom and Blinda.

Me:  You mean Belinda?

Blanche:  No, she dropped the ‘e’ to make it work.

Me:  I see.  Well, it’s really Blephanie.

Blaire:  Bl-awesome!  What can we do for you?

Me:  I was hoping to find out exactly what will happen this weekend and maybe sit with women I share common interests with.

Blanche:  You’re interested in blogging, right?  You’ll be just fine.

Blaire:  C’mon Blanche.  Seat her with the “Need to Knows.”

Me:  The Who?

Blanche:  We try to group by personality types.  The “Need to Knows” are control freaks and like to have an advanced detailed agenda.  And obsessively clean.  They could literally eat off their toilets.

Me:  Oh definitely don’t sit me with them, please.

Blaire:  Well, describe your blog.

Me:  I write humor.

Blanche:  Oh, A Niche Bitch.  Put her with the Niche Bitches.

Me:  Well I don’t confine myself to only humor.

Blaire:  Well, lemme ask you this….Do your readers ever find themselves NOT laughing?

Me:  Mostly all the time.

Blanche: (whispering)  Shove her in the back row.  I just saw her Gravatar photo.  Nobody will ever be able to see anything over that big hair!

Just then I hear another voice, whom they introduce as Blabette.  She offers to send me their “Blow by Blow, Blogger Blorganizer” which outlines their odd assessment of the different Blogging personality classifications.  This is what I see:


The Blogcrastinator —  They will find every reason in the book to justify not having anything to do with Blogging.  From housework to headaches.  They’ll even post about why they cannot post.  The really desperate ones resort to citing “Sexual Conflict” as their excuse.  (Note: Because they talk a good Blogging game, they make good Phone Call Receptionists for BlogHer)

The “Don’t Applaud Cuz I’m a Fraud” Blogger – – Don’t believe in themselves and are petrified that others will find out they’re masquerading as Bloggers.  They generally blog about vacuums because they think they suck.  If they get a nice comment, they go all Sally Field.  “You don’t hate me.  You really don’t hate me?”

The Blah Blogger – – Wishy-washy, afraid to make a statement, and begins every sentence with “Perhaps.”

The Bloggert Braggert – – Lists all their many Chain Awards prominently in their Menu and conducts surveys or takes requests on what you would like to see next on their blog.  Their ABOUT page reads like an acceptance speech at The Oscars.  (Note: Don’t seat near the Fraud Bloggers)

The Frogger Blogger – – In an effort to not be boxed in, they jump all over the place with subject matter.  They also leap to conclusions, choose green as their background color, and beg to be kissed.

The Blues Blogger – –  Their keyboard needs Prozac.  Their followers are suicide hotlines.  They categorize and tag their posts, “Armageddon, Cancer, Save Your Soul.” And that’s on an upbeat day.

The Bloated Bladder Blogger – –  Hypochondriac writers.  A scintillating post for them would be “Candid Conversation for Convincing, Cajoling, Coercing, Coaxing a Companion into Colonoscopy!”

The Badger Blogger – – They miss that Persuasive Essay assignment from high school.  From fashion to politics, they are correct and you WILL see it their way.

The Voluminous Vaguely Visual Blogger – –  “A picture births a thousand words.”  They insert media graphics and pray the photos will tell their story for them.

Note:  All other Blogger Types not mentioned above, we’ll just stick on the outdoor lawn with speakers.

Not seeing myself described here, (although Colonoscopy is a frequent request I’m asked to write about!) I call back in a panicky sweat.

After I hear my “Bosom Blogger Buddies” identify themselves once again on speakerphone, I practically hyperventilate . . .

Me:  Hi again, it’s Stephanie with a Bl.  I was just thinking – –  Couldn’t I just sit with you nice ladies?  What category type do you both fall under?

Blanche:  Oh, we’re in a league all our own.  But, unfortunately we’re not able to attend the BlogHer conference.

Me:  Why not?

Blaire:  Blanche here has too much housework and I’ll be having a migraine and a sexual conflict.

Disclaimer:  The above represents absolutely nothing accurate from the real life BlogHer committee, staff, judges, attendees or keynote speakers.  I’m sure they’re a lovely group!






What Do Bloggers Eat at a Meet & Greet ??

Maybe they eat "Meet(and greet!)Balls?

Maybe they eat “Meet(and greet!)Balls?

Seriously?  What was I thinking?  Registering for a huge Blogging Conference like BlogHer 2014?   I can’t converse with anyone verbally.  That’s why I became a writer in the first place.  And I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I don’t talk, I don’t drink and I don’t dance. All I do is sit in front of a keyboard and type.

And the only reason I’m capable of that is because I’m protected by the online anonymity.  But that will be stripped away, too.  I’ll have to wear one of those “Hello!  I’m Little Miss Menopause!” name tags.  And then people will approach me.  And say, “Really?  You’re not so little.”  Or, “How can you be a Miss if you’re divorced?  Wouldn’t that make you a Ms?”  Or, “So are you having a hot flash right this minute or are you just nervous to meet me?”

And then I am going to have a roommate.  What if she is a serious and substantial T-Bone Steak type blogger and thinks all us humor bloggers are just a jar of Marshmallow Fluff?  And if she’s one of those types who partakes in a specific, odd nightly routine.  Let’s say she takes a bubble bath, popping all but 11 bubbles, says prayers backwards, does 100 crunches to disguise the fact that she’s carried twins, sticks her head in the hotel mini-bar fridge for an hour, slathers on some awful smelling night creme and then humors   fluffs her pillow exactly 7 times on each side?  Oh wait, that’s my nightly routine.

Oh dear. What number Fluff was I on?  Guess I'll have to start all over.

Oh dear. What number Fluff was I on? Guess I’ll have to start all over.

And then I’ll go to the fancy hotel ballroom for my meals.  And people are going to sit at tables without any laptops to keep their hands busy. What will we all do with our fingers besides tapping on the tablecloth like it’s an imaginary keyboard?  Maybe the centerpieces will be glitzy computer screens with the words, “Once Upon a Time….” typed in Helvetica font.

Of course the elegant board with our various dining choices will fall from the table and crash on to my lap, because that’s what “Drop-Down Menus” do.  And no doubt, I’ll be very confused as to what to order at this BlogFeast.  If I wanted my soggy, bloggy cereal, I shoulda just stayed at home.  There’s a whole lot more creative food choices to nourish a Blogger than just Alphabet Soup, you know.    Let’s have a look . . .


Whether You’re Famous, Famished or Already Full (of yourself!)

It will be Love At First Bite!   Write!


Posted Eggs, Edited Over Easy.  Served with Permalink sausage with choice of (depending how your writing is going) Belgium Awfuls or Fancakes, drizzled with Blog Cabin Syrup.


Quotation Quinoa Quiche with Jumbled, Crumbled, Stumbled-Upon Mumbo Jumbo.


Jotted, Blotted Frittata served with a Scone Poem

Bold, Seasoned Condiment Comments by Request



All entrees (entries) accompanied with a Flaky BlogRoll & Butter and your choice of Mixed Metaphor Mesclun salad, Cliched Clam Chowder or Stat Pea Soup.

“All You Can View” Stew served in a Writer’s Block Crock pot.


Dangling Participle Pasta – – Garnished w/ Grated Gravitar Graphics


Steamy, Creamy, Dreamy Porkography – – Archived Anchovies


Widget Wasabi Won-Tons  & Parsnip Snippets, Turnip Tags


Bloghetti & Tweetballs served over Doughy Poetry


Allegory Albacorey Tuna on Spellcheck Spelt



Sauteed Jumbo Shrimp Daily Prawmpts with Freshly Pressed Garlic and Cleverly Clarified Butter


Tempura Templates  w/ chopped, cropped Images of Inspiration


So You Think You’ve Posted the Holy Grail Lobster Tail?  And Corny Kale


Hacked Halibut w/ Plagiarized Potatoes &  Tender AsPUNagus Tips


FRENCH CUISINE:  – – Blog Hop Frog Legs & Escargot Escape Buttons


STARVING WRITER’S SPECIAL: Blank Screens Frank & Beans w/  Wordless Watermelon



Keyword Keylime Pie

Simile Spumoni

Deleted Donuts

Ping-Back Pumpkin Pie

Published Plum Pudding

Dashboard Cheeseboard

Expressive Espresso

Italian Italicized Ice

 I better stop here because I’m afraid one of my clever readers is going to make me eat my own words! 

Disclaimer:  If someone asks me what the hell I’m doing there, I will actually be able to justify my presence.  It seems that I was selected for 1 of 25 “Voices of the Year” in the Humor category.  Now that’s a real laugh.

But if you don’t have indigestion by now and would like to read the post that got me that honor.  Click Here. 

Yes, I could very well have made this badge up on Photoshop . . . if I wasn't so computer challenged.

Yes, I could very well have made this badge up on Photoshop . . . if I wasn’t so computer challenged.