As a freelance writer, I sometimes get approached by companies to write unique brochures or think up clever advertising copy. But I’ve never had a client’s conference call scare the hell outa me like this one did. That’s because these fellows were hell bent on . . . (wait for it) giving Hell a makeover.
The Phone Call From Hell
I answered the way I normally do when my Cell rings.
Me: Hell–
Dante (Cutting me off) Listen to that boys, she was expecting us!
Me: Uh, no. HELL-O? I was just saying Hello.
Mel: Whatever. This is Mel from Hell. You know . . . Hell Enterprises. We heard your writing is on fire. Hot as hell.
Me: (blushing) Why you little devil, you. Flattery will get you everywhere.
Harry: Yeah, we need a new image. We’re not profiting in the whole “AfterLife” trend. We don’t know how to compete with Heaven.
Dante: That’s right, we can’t hold a candle to Heaven’s slogans. They’ve got “Heaven Sent.” And “Thank Heaven.” Oh, don’t forget “In Seventh Heaven” and “A Match made in Heaven.”
Me: Kind of ironic you can have a “Helluva” good time in heaven, huh? But haven’t you ever heard the saying, “Something stinks to high heaven?” Their reputation’s not exactly 100% blemish free.
Mel: See boys? I knew Miss Menopause would go to Hell and back for us. Got any other brilliant ideas?
Me: Lemme see if I can work up a nice, new Public Relations campaign and I’ll get back to you.
Harry: This better not cost too much, ya hear?
Dante: That’s right! Give ’em Hell, Harry!
Me: (unable to resist) As far as my rates go, if I do my best work, there could be Hell to Pay.
But Then . . . All Hell Broke Loose!
After the phone call, I froze with fear. Indeed, if hell froze over, there wouldn’t be a snowball’s chance in hell that I could come up with something to give Hell a positive spin. What was I thinking? Maybe the Devil made me do it.
The first thing I noticed when I typed the word on my Smartphone, it would autocorrect “Hell” to “He’ll.” That got me thinking that tweaking Hell’s name ever so slightly could be just the thing it needed. Hmmm, “Who the Hill do you think you are?” might just catch on. What a difference a vowel can make!
But then again, substituting “Hill” might remind people of a “Hill of beans” and “Finding their thrill on Blueberry Hill.” From that kind of Hill, it would only be a Slippery Slope to marching, “Over Hill, Over Dale…”
Nah, back to the drawing board.
Hell’s Kitchen
I always feel more creative when I take my mind off the subject. Hungry, I went into the kitchen and ate some deviled eggs. Then I frosted a devil’s food cake for dinner. Food wasn’t the answer. Maybe housecleaning would help. I ran my Dirt Devil vacuum over the carpet. I know! I needed entertainment. First I danced to “Devil With the Blue Dress on,” then watched the movie, “The Devil Wears Prada. Sheesh, could “The Devil in Miss Jones” be far behind?
But I knew I needed to keep busy – – after all, “idle hands are the devil’s workshop.” And what in the Hell was I gonna tell Harry, Dante, & Mel?
SPEAKING OF THE DEVIL . . .
When the phone rang again, I thought I would answer it differently this time.
Me: Hi Guys, I was just thinking of you. Were your ears Burning?
Dante: Not funny.
Harry: So what’s your new plan?
Me: (nervously) Alright, open minds, right? You wanna change public perception, yes? So we need a new Mascot. The Devil is too Red and Pointy. You want something Rounder, more circular, something kids like.
Mel: Mickey Mouse ain’t exactly available.
Me: I was thinking more like a jar of mayonnaise. And it’s already got your name on it, too! “Hellmann’s Mayo.” Whadya think?
Dante: Where did ya find this crazy broad, Mel?
Mel: I don’t eat mayonnaise. And what’s wrong with pointy? We like those ears and that tail.
The Devil is in the details.
Me: Okay, but you gotta abandon the Fiery and Forever association. “Burning in Eternal Hell” doesn’t exactly sell like hotcakes. Maybe it can be just a temporary thing. Like it Fades after 10 Washes?”
Harry: Nobody has to go straight to hell. They can always take the Scenic Route.
Me: (encouraging) That’s sweet. I like it. But let’s get back to the Sales. What can be sold?
Dante: You can always sell your soul.
Me: Watch that Creep Factor, Dante. How about a fun board game with a pitchfork on the lid? People love to play Devil’s Advocate.
Harry: Not interested.
Me: Postcards from hell? Vacation from hell? Ooh! Husbands from hell! Women seem very attracted to that. Or a new car called, “Hell On Wheels?” A brand of bottled H2O called, “Come Hell or High Water?”
Mel: That all ya got, Kiddo?
Me: (brightening) Okay, brace yourself. The other side uses, “A Stairway to Heaven.” Right? So we’ll make you guys “An Escalator to Hell.”
After they slammed the phone down on me, I realized I couldn’t do this kind of thing without help. That was it! H-E-L-P!
HELP Is On The Way!
It wasn’t a vowel that needed replacing, it was a consonant.
I wrote an entire marketing plan, highlighting the virtues of changing “Hell” to “Help.” Everybody needs a little Help now and then. It’s more comfortable giving someone Help than it is to give someone Hell. Nobody minds asking for Help. There was a good movie out recently called, “The Help.” The Beatles even had a hit song, “Help!” It was a brilliant plan, but would they buy it?
I could get lucky. This might just work. I emailed the whole thing off to them.
Days went by and I didn’t hear anything back. I was getting a bit angry at being ignored.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
I really tried my best and had given it my all.
The Road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
I didn’t want to Battle these guys anymore.
War is Hell.
Hell’sHelp’s Angels
When I answered the phone, Dante was singing another Beatles song, “I get by with a little HELL from my friends.” No, no, no! Please don’t let this thing backfire. But his sidekicks sounded enthusiastic. . .
Mel: You’re a Genius! Changing “Hell” to “Help” was exactly the push into the public eye we needed!
Harry: That’s right. We’ve never felt more loved and wanted.
Me: Wow, so you like it?
Dante: Like it?? The entire country is talking about us. But how did you get so many businesses to put our new slogan on a sign in their window so quickly?
Me: What new slogan?
Mel: “Help Wanted!”
And now we seem to have hell covered to! LOL. You were Hell bent for leather, which really doesn’t sound right. I wonder what we’ll be up to next? ;O)
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We should probably join forces and conquer the world. 😉
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No one can stop us now, were invisible! Whoops … got carried away.
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Wondering why you’re so good at this. On Hell and the Devil.
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This is some seriously smart and funny writing. Loved it!
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A hell-arious piece! … sorry, that’s all I could think of 😉
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That’s all!!??? You poor pathetic, witty thing! Once again out-humoring the original post. LOVE IT!!!
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😀
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This makes me think of the one time a former work mate of mine at a software company called “Brainware solutions” picked up the phone saying “Painware Solutions, helldesk, how may I help you?” He, as you, positively cracked me up!!
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That is really quite funny! It’s all in the way you present something. Thank you so very much for reading/commenting!
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Oh, the thanks are all to you!! I enjoy your writing so much, it’s beyond (my) words. To me it feels like getting my regular dose of Bill Bryson and David Sedaris, I find both of them hilarious!!
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I am beyond flattered. They are comedy gold. You are too kind. Thank you again.
Stephanie
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Just one question, is the shuttle from the airport a hand basket?
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Hell if I know?! Ha…seriously, that was the perfect genius comment!!!!
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A match made in…well, somewhere, we are 😉
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Well that was a hell of an article. Was the Devil down in Georgia during this whole meeting?
Clever rebranding concept. Repackaging happens all the time, interesting twist being the Devil’s advocate.
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One of your best comments…. Thank you!
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You crack me up, Stephanie! If only clients could be as interesting as those purveyors from down under. I hope yours are, truly 😉
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Thanks Diahann! I have had a few clients, (while not claiming to be from Hell,) insisting they be at the Helm!
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You’re on a roll! Starvation, and now two servings of you in one week!” Heaven. I’m in heaven…”
This post is BRILLIANT! Each word, statement, item — cleverly crafted in your unique style. I’m glad when you pour your heart out like this. My eyes were rolling around so much, I got dizzy, and then I hit “the devil is in details” and my eyes rolled right out of my head.
This was a great ride. Thanks for giving us all a little “help”.
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Grace I just love your comments…. but I am sure glad it was only your eyes rolling around and not your head spinning around. 😉
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Ha ha ha, just what the doctor ordered. Now I don’t need hell to get out of bed! 😀
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Well I wrote the whole thing while still in bed…. So can you give ME a hand then? Thanks, Timi.
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You had me at “The devil is in the details.” Great wit!
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You’re awfully sweet to say. I can never tell if I’ve stooped to low with my humor…. And fallen into silliness. Not hell! Thanks.
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I know you had fun writing this one. Thanks for opening the gates to your eternal wit.
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What a way with words!
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Great ending, but maybe the mascot for Hell, Michigan should have been a car.
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Thanks for remarking about ending. You’re the only one who did and I wasn’t sure if it fell flat. Yeah, I need geography lessons. Would have made a great addition to the post!
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Stephanie. I like the campaign you came up with for Help. I’ve been talking to my minions, you know the ones you worked with. They said you might jazz up my image. Ever since that incident with Job, I have had a real image issue. You know, the Devil made me do it kind of thing. And I can’t tell you how much I loathe that Church Lady on Saturday Night Live. It’s almost got me wanting to change my name. But I really like Satan. It has a real zing to it, don’t you think? If you want to take on the job, just dial 800-LUC-IFER. I’ll be waiting for your call. And, oh, thanks in advance.
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Dear Luci (you don’t mind my shortening that name?) I’m now thinking of going a new direction for you. We gotta lose the Satan gig. How about a red heart with “I Love Luci!” scrawled inside? What do you think? It got a lot of publicity for another redhead I know.
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I like it. 🙂
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Naw, I want a Luci in the Sky with Diamonds campaign.
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Ha! Even grander!
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Like me.
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By the way, you forgot my favorite backup group, Hell’s Belles.
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I tried to work AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” AND “Hell’s Bells” in there but thought it was overkill.
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I say kill that sucker before it bites.
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Well what the hell?! 😆 Oh some funny responses to be had, take the high road… or is it low? :p In either case I’m sure I’ll be looking for another job at some point. Pick me! Pick me! Haha, love your posts Stephanie!
Michelle
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Low road… Haha…..Another job? If you’re serious then DEFINITELY Modeling calls your name. And what’s up with your boyfriend these days? And Thank you–I am always grateful for your loyal support.
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Oh I actually did some modeling over the summer! Nothing big and I did it for free. My sister’s friend needed people to model for her college photo assignment and that’s how I landed that! So hey I can put “armature model” to my repertoire? A lot is going on with him actually. His trainings are about over which has allowed us more and more communication, which I am not complaining about, lol. I talk to him almost everyday now. I’ll see him at the end of next month so I’m so so so excited! You are so welcome! I always get excited to get you post notification in my email. ❤
Michelle
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I TOLD you that modeling would find you soon! Ha! Now if I were smart, I’d be your agent. Glad to hear more communication is abound and some one on one time is forecasted with your guy!
Hugs,
Steph
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Haha you so did!! Steph, I am so so excited, I haven’t seen him since April! I have a count down on my phone, lol. 38 days and 8 minutes to go!
*Hugs*
Michelle
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😀 I always thought the Devil already owned all the advertising companies he’d ever need ! 😀
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Ha, good one! I can think of many companies he must preside over.
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Not a snowball’s chance I can come up with a clever comment…which brings me back to Pavlov’s Blog, doesn’t it? You are a rip woman. No doubt about it.
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Thanks so much, my best Matey! Is that a RIP (Rest In Piece) woman you’re calling me? I’m afraid I’m not up on the latest.
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Oh, now you’re showing your youth. Rip. As in tear me up funny. Or were you just kidding? Although, I looked it up to be sure and the dictionary describes it as ‘a mischievous person’. Hmmm, ring a bell?
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Mischief? Hell, yeah! 😉 honestly, I had never heard the expression before. But that’s okay–I just found out that we are supposed to only hit one space after a period, not two?? I am really not up on things!!
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I actually found that out about 2 years ago…cra-z, right?
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Brilliant as usual! I have to wonder if this was born of truth. I feel there is a possibility that a travel agency called asking you to tryi to make a violent 3rd world country sound attractive. Am I onto something?
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Haha Marissa. That’s really funny, but Nope – – I’ve just been having a hellish time of things lately and I decided that I should make a conscious effort to try and reverse that.
But guess what? I know you and you’re ALWAYS onto something! That’s right, friends – – Anyone reading this should check out Marissa’s fantastic thoughts that she somehow manages to put into rhyme with these amazing Zinger endings!
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Thanks Stephanie. You are too kind!
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Hey, love this one….it’s a helluva good piece!
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Thank you so much!
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Oh how I needed tears of laughter for a change. Thanks, Steph! “Speaking of the devil” I LOVED the new brand of bottled H20.
You are a riot, my dear.
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Thanks so much, Maggie – – some silliness has definitely been in order for my life right now. I’m so glad you “get” my offbeat brand of humor.
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LOL Brilliant concept! I laughed out loud at the jar of mayonnaise!
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ha, thanks Tom. I really did take a break for lunch, opened my fridge and thought, “yep, I’m working that into this post.”
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You strung me right along for a very enjoyable, but fast-paced road to – ya know – Heck! This tickled my funny bone. 😉
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Well aren’t you kind, my dear. I felt like Hell kinda gets a bad rap. But then again, maybe it gets what it deserves. Thanks for playing along with me on this Monday!
take care,
Stephanie
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